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Mama in desperate need of advice. Don't want to be a mom anymore.-UPDATE page 5 - Page 3

post #41 of 90
I think one of the most important jobs of a mother is to make sure mom is in a good enough frame of mind to be a loving parent. The rest falls into place, since loving parents provide food and shelter and hugs and what have you. They come in all shapes and sizes from working moms, to survival SAHMs to moms who thrive being SAHMs. We're not cut from the same cloth and there is no shame in saying "I think I'd be a happier mom if I worked."

As a SAHM, I went through a difficult period sending my youngest off to pre-casa Montessori. He has a mild speech delay and across the board everyone agreed that he'd advance much more quickly if he were in school. But I'm a SAHM, shouldn't *I* be able to do that? Well no. I can't replicate how many other kids, I can't replicate an experience where he HAS to use his words and that there is a set structure every day. I am not great at teaching things like that. I went through massive amounts of guilt because I felt like I failed him, especially since my oldest can hold a conversation with the best of them. Anyhow, a month later, his vocabulary has exploded, he has way more confidence and my failure became my success in recognizing my limitation and doing something about it.

Being with two preschoolers day in and day out, with little you time is HARD, you sound overwhelmed by it and their usual crazy behaviour. That's okay. Have you considered even part time work, or volunteer work on weekends? Maybe something like that can help put you in a better frame of mind and build up some skills for re-entry in your field. I felt insane sending my oldest off to his preschool. But he loves it, he has his life, his friends, he is loved and cherished and taught way better than I could manage. He feels blessed that he has his family, his friends, his teachers. Whether it's daycare, school, Montessori, if you find the right environment for your child, it's probably a decision you won't regret. Have you considered sending off your older guy? Or both? Maybe even part time? Help you ease into it? It's kind of a chicken and egg situation with job/funds for care, so hopefully you guys can find something to help remedy that. Consider a new therapist. I don't know about your area, but we have a centre for women with mentoring for work, maybe see if there are some free programs you can get signed up for.

In the meantime, start thinking of things that will help you get through the time more easily. One mom mentioned simplifying and I think that's a super idea. Put away all but a handful of toys. Sort out the kids clothes, get out only as much as you think you might need during the week (including accident clothes) and put the rest away for now. Do you have a yard, somewhere fenced? Get some chalk, some bubbles, a bin with some water and toys, and let the kids burn off some steam while you sit outside and supervise, don't worry if they get wet or dirty. I have a plastic tablecloth, I set my kids up with some markers, paint, paper, stickers, glitter glue and let them go to town. We clean up together, everything goes into it's bin, the scraps get rounded up in the tablecloth and thrown in the garbage. Get DH to chop up a tonne of snacks for your LOs for the week, likewise with dinner, chop up some chicken, brown some meat and throw in some tomato sauce. Personally when my life gets hectic, I find a lot of peace and control in organizing and simplifying, this may or may not work for you, but it's worth a shot. I pick something each day that is going to make me happy, no matter how small. If it's finally installing a 4 slice toaster my FIL won at a bonspiel, then I do it. I did it in fact, just now. I'll work up to something larger after a few more coffees. I think we need a thread in SAHMs on ways to simplify and stay sane!

Don't worry about living up to a standard of organic, homeschooling crunchiness. There are people here WAY more crunchy than I and I don't let it bother me, because what we have works, we're happy and that is all that matters! The only standard you need to live up to is yours and making your lives as happy as possible.
post #42 of 90
I think you've already gotten so much good advice. I just want to say I've been there and am a few bad days from being there again.
Staying away from the Internet helps a lot for me, heh.
post #43 of 90
You've gotten lots of good advice. The only thing I'll add is that when I feel overwhelmed and paralyzed and like I can't get anything done, it helps me a ton if I just pick one small thing to focus on and just do that one thing. Like, if the whole house is a disaster area and I feel totally unable to cope with it, I will decide that I'm going to forget about the whole house and just get the dishes washed, or even just get *some* of the dishes washed. Then I stop once I'm done and admire my work and tell myself what a good job I did. Rather than expecting that I'll get everything done, I just celebrate if I manage to get *anything* done. That way I can get some positive feelings running through the system and things start to feel a little easier, if you know what I mean. And choosing one thing and doing it breaks me out of the paralysis of, "Wow, my house is filthy. I'm horrible. Everyone else manages to keep their houses clean, so why can't I?" etc.

And yes, you are not alone. It's just that most people are afraid to be honest about the times when parenthood is really, really hard.
post #44 of 90
OP, huge hugs and a couple thoughts.

I'm not in exactly the same place right now, but yes I do understand. I have a non-listening future sociopath on my hands (aka a 3yo) and sometimes I really wonder why I had kids and if I should even BE a mom. (Luckily...most of the time I don't feel that way. But I can see how it would happen.)

There are 3 things I wanted to say here....

1. Your job description is "Mom" not "Saint." You do not need to be full-on engaged in playing with your kids while managing a perfect home and feeling joyful and fulfilled. I don't like playing. I don't play. I do set up activities sometimes and I do take the kids out, but for the most part DD is expected to use her imagination and amuse herself when I am busy. Playgroup and playdates help too. There is nothing wrong with sending your children to preschool either. It's all a matter of what works for your family, not living up to some wildly exaggerated ideal. If doing the minimum buys you the time you need to get on top of things, by all means do it!!

2. Working....if you want to get away from the kids, get away from the kids. But don't get a job unless you want a job. I personally found the working-mom lifestyle very, very busy. Adding professional/deadline stress on top of home life did not solve any parenting issues for me. It seems extreme to me to go to the length of getting a job when a vacation might do it. I do agree with PP that daycare often gets a worse rap than it deserves (after all, you get to pick your daycare) but the time spent transporting kids and speed-housekeeping when you get home can eat up the fun of family life while leaving you with the hard work.

3. The two pieces of advice that I most hate seeing on this site are "this too shall pass" and "lower your standards." These get offered up all the time but they do not work for everyone. No matter how true it is, I resent the implication...my 3yo just peed on the floor and poked the baby in the eye and I have to change???? NOPE. Many behaviors that are developmentally normal are still not acceptable and still need to be addressed, and I'm very type A so I don't WANT low standards.

Anyway, lots more to say but DD is up from her nap and I did promise computer time so gotta go!
post #45 of 90
I just wanted to add that there was a time a few weeks ago where by the end of the week I was about to go insane--really, I thought I was. I was scaring myself how harshly I was reacting to the kids. My MIL took the boys for an overnight, it was about 36 hours of kid free time, and I SLEPT. I allowed myself to sleep as much as I wanted/needed. They came home Sunday night, I visited with them and put them to bed, got one more good night's sleep and on the Monday morning, I felt like a new person. I couldn't believe the difference. So, if you have sleep deprivation going on and there is anyway you can get your 4yo over to gramma's and your dh to do the overnight plus an entire day (maybe mother's day!) for you so you can sleep, I would highly recommend it!
post #46 of 90
((((hugs))))

about the posts here. I don't post my failures here much. No one really cares about what didn't work. They want to hear about what did. Also i have read posts from people I know in real life and they sounded like super mom. liar liar pants on fire. thats all I gotta say. Also one mans"well behaved, super intellegent kid" may be another mans whining screaming not so bright kid. i take everything I read here with a grain of salt.

getting a part time job saved my life. then I woke up one morning and had no husband (he ran off with another woman) and was all of a sudden no longer a stay at home homeschooling mom. well crap. time to ship off the kids to daycare and school. and yep. it sucks letting go of those ideals but it hasn't hurt the kids either. they are fine. and so am I. and I like my job. and they like school. they like going to grandmas. we are ok. and I am a better mom than I have ever been before. I mean losing my xh helps but also knowing how precious our time together is helps. and adult interaction during the day.

also shutting off the computer helps me be a better mom. Lets face, the more I am on line talking about being super mom the less time I am actually spending with my kids and I get irritated when they won't shut up and let me read. I'll admit it. I have been this mom (they are with their dad right now). Even when I was a stay at home mom the best thing I ever did for parenting or my social life though was to turn off the computer.

You do not have to be the perfect AP poster mom. the perfect mothering mom. it is ok to serve your family food from the grocery store, it is ok to send them to public school this year, it is ok to have a half clean house most of the time. they can watch Tv and wear mismatched socks (I have just embraced this last one...). heck my kid went to school wearing all pink (several different shades) her hair wasn't brushed and her socks did not match and her lunch box contained speghetti os, apple sauce (like the one she had for breakfast) and a pudding cup but ya know what, no one yelled or cried no one rushed. it was a great morning. and she got picked up from school by the soon to be step mommy that my ex ran off with. yeah, shes gonna judge me. don't care. my baby went to school happy today. and rockin' a style thats all hers. embrace mediocore. let the crap slide.

Your son sounds like a bundle of eneergy, Is there anyone who would be willing to help you get a break every now and then? Just until you can get yourself rested enough to deal with his behavior?

Barring any extrordinary behavior issues, it is ok to to use discipline. I know saying no and expecting obedience is not popular here on mothering but it really is ok to have a plan for teaching your child discipline. If you would like to talk more about that send me a PM.
post #47 of 90
I posted earlier, but today something occurred to me that has been completely necessary for my sanity, and a major driving force behind the complete 180* in my life and lifestyle.

I need to work with my hands at something that has permanence. Food prep, laundry, diaper changes, sweeping, dishes, etc... are just no substitute for me and I feel like Rosy Robot when that's all that I am doing day in and day out. I feel like if I were supposed to be a domestic housekeeper, I would likely enjoy those things, but I only do them because they are necessary and after a short while, I get very cranky and eventually depressed if I don't start doing something that matters and that is permanent.

I thought of this because dp and I were loading renovation scraps and appliances onto the truck to take to the dump today, and it struck me how free I feel, even though I'm picking up garbage. It struck me how much more enjoyable that was than making dinner and I reflected on why. It's because once that huge pile of scrap is loaded and gone, it's a permanent change and we've taken another step forward. Dinner is a meal that has to made and makes more work afterward which is also impermanent. Yes, the food we eat does take up some permanence in our bodies, which is why we eat as we do (it's important to me that we are as healthy as we can be), but it feels like I'm on a hamster wheel if that's the quality of work that I do without end.

Later today (once my food has settled and I can lean and bend again- sooooo pg), dp and I will be siding another wall with board and batten, and though this is not my ideal form of creative expression, it is so satisfying because when I've finished for the day, the wall is sided and our studio is one day closer to being finished, which is a permanent thing, not a chore to me, or menial-feeling at all.

Before we moved to the remote north, I struggled immensely because nothing I did had any verifiable permanence and I felt like I put effort into meaningless things and that I didn't matter in my own life. I figured that anyone could mind my dc, anyone could feed them and change their diapers- anyone! And on top of that, not only was I the only one doing that day in and day out, I could not see a single sign of me anywhere in my life. There were signs of dp all over, signs of my dc, but I lived with nothing of my own to remind me that I was still me. I completely lost track of who I was, or who I was to become. Those were very dark days.

This radical lifestyle change for us was really driven by me and my need to live with purpose, doing things that are authentic to who I thought I might be, and that matter to me. It has taken dp longer to embrace these things for/in himself, but that is part of his personality; he has really begun to come into his own too, and now he cannot even imagine trying to live again the way we used to live. It's so foreign to us now. It's ony been four years since we left the city, but it has been an amazingly life-giving journey.

You may have a completely different perspective and different strategies for meeting your needs, but it is okay to make radical changes, even if they are only temporary. We've gone from city life to back-to-the-land and are steadily stripping away our dependence on industry and social constructs that don't make sense to us. We realise that we may later want to return to some things we'll be leaving behind, but for us, we really have to strip our life bare so that we can build from a foundation of seeing and knowing ourselves so that we can choose how we will live and it is an authentic, truly informed choice.

Perhaps rebuilding from whatever point you lost your way would help you. Perhaps you are not doing anything that matters in a grander sense than the rewards inherent to the tasks, and you need something more than that at least to undergird the more menial aspects of your life. I don't know. I do see that many, many people rage and are depressed simply because they cannot see their mark in their own lives. They need something more authentic to who they are than their lives afford them. There are a lot of people in this region of Canada who come here precisely to discover who they are and what life is from it's barest, most primal foundation. Perhaps you are searching for meaning in your life and will have to make radical changes to strip away everything that clouds your vision of what that is for you.

I hope you are having a better day today. I also hope that knowing that you are not supposed to just accept this and allow it to pass is helpful to you. Those ideas are utterly absurd to me; if something is wrong, and it clearly is, then waiting for it to pass as though 'it' were a mindful decision-maker that has chosen to inflict you for now, or that there are times in life that are supposed to drag you through the mire helpless, is just ridiculous to me. I have yet to see things happen that way in my life and I have suffered a LOT; there has always been a reason and a way to fix it or learn a better way.

Yes much of my suffering was inflicted upon me, but as an adult, I have freedom to choose a different way of living and being. I can repair the damage done to me. I can remove the damagers. I have myriad options from which to choose. I do not hold this view for children because their choices are limited by others, typically.

Yes things just happen, but we have the ability to act as well, to respond and to choose. When I have felt paralysed, I was- because I was not acting. Then I changed that and found myself to be rather effective at engaging my problems and finding solutions- even though it has sometimes taken several failures before I could refine my approach to solve the problem. Those failures were precious and enormously helpful for my education, which led to better approaches, and so on and so on.

It was also very difficult to act when my body was not functioning well; this can be and for me WAS a major obstacle, which is why I focused my effort there initially. Now, many years later, I just take care of myself; it does not require the focus it used to anymore, but it still needs doing.

Anyway, I think there are a lot of options for you. You can do what you need to do! You are equipped, and even if you have to do a huge amount of set-up before you can move on, you can do that too.

post #48 of 90
s mama I have boys same ages as yours and there is not a day that does not go by that I either want to run out of the house screaming (done that 1x already), never come home from work (tried that) or just wish myself away from being a mother.

ugh- it is about survival like StormBride said, and I completely know what you mean about the yelling. Its like you have 2 volumes - yelling or yelling louder! I hate that about me and how I have to talk to my kids.

Bless your heart for even considering homeschooling - I know that I could not handle it (sides from working f/t). Lots of other wise mommas have posted and I just want to offer my hugs and support to you.

s
post #49 of 90
I can relate to what you've written, guestmama, especially the perfectionist stuff and the depression.



This book is life-changing, so I've heard. So many people have told me that it has helped them. I'm working on adding the supplements recommended in it, and I'm hoping it will help. The Mood Cure: The 4-Step Program to Take Charge of Your Emotions--Today.
post #50 of 90
Oh how I wish you were in Arizona. I would do so many things with you and for you. If you ever make it this way, please let me know and let me treat you to lunch. You deserve it!
post #51 of 90
If you find that you spend a lot of time mentally bullying yourself to do housework or play with the kids, that might be something to try and change. It's amazing how much energy gets burned up doing that. When you think about a task you want to get done or something you 'should' be doing, rather than put yourself into a state of mental anguish, give yourself a YES or NO answer.

Think "Am I going to do this now?" Yes or no. If it's something that actually is essential, ask yourself "Am I going to feel more like doing this later?" or "Is there going to be a more convenient time to get this done?" Yes or no. If the answer is no, the answer is NO. Decision made, put it out of your head and move on. If the answer is yes, then go do it right then.

It's a lot easier to deal with not having gotten something done if you've made a conscious decision to not do it. It sort of declutters your brain... I don't know how else to explain it.

Other than that, I'd just be repeating what everyone else has said... just try and hang on.
post #52 of 90
Stumbled onto this thread and everyone has said great things but i just wanted to give you a hug! Keep holding on!
post #53 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post
When you think about a task you want to get done or something you 'should' be doing, rather than put yourself into a state of mental anguish, give yourself a YES or NO answer.
YES! This is hugely important! I only just learned this through exploring my work ethic relating to my creativity but it has been a whole-life-lesson for me. I am reading Fearless Creating and this has been the most helpful and pivotal point for me thus far, and for me it has been huge. Make the decision and move on- to doing it or to something else or to another decision. This is a complete reversal of paralysis, even if at the end of the day, you have chosen NO the whole way through. You have been consciously choosing. Strange, but true.
post #54 of 90
Thread Starter 

Thank you.

I just wanted to sincerely thank each and every one of you that has posted to help me. This is the most support I've had on this board ever, but that is because I don't usually post very personal things here. I am very embarrassed by my inability to function right now and I it's scary to me to let everyone else know about it.

I don't really have the energy to respond to individuals, but I did read every word of your posts. Some things I have done are stopped being on the internet so much. Which is truly scary because it means I have to face life in my own house with my own family and my own issues. The thought of that just bores me to tears. Secondly, I have made several appointments, one for the counselor, one for the psych-nurse about meds and one for a complete physical. I can't really doctor or counselor shop right now because I am on the state insurance and it is very limited. Plus we do not have the funds for me to be spending a bunch of money out of pocket. I do feel that exercising would help me out, but taking that first motivated step is going to be so hard. I keep saying I want to, but I never get around to it. I just don't know what to do! And then I feel like I should be taking my kids with me.

I think part of the problem is my relationship. I am just at the point where I'm not sure if this person is the one for me. I keep going back and forth about it in my head. We fight a lot, he is not the person I pictured myself being with, but then he is the kids' dad and he is a good guy. And maybe we could be happy together? I feel like I need to get well before I can make that decision, but then also I feel like I can't get well until I've made that decision.

With my boys, I know I just need to set firmer boundaries and pay more attention to them. My son does have a mini-trampoline but I don't make him use it per say. I suppose I could come up with some, jump there so many times thing.

Mostly I feel that I just need some change. When I was younger I could change easily, up and move or get a new job. But now it is not that easy. I have never felt content in my life. It feels like I am always searching. Does one ever come to contentment?

I have read The Mood Cure and I did feel that supplements were helping, but I could not keep on top of taking them. I need to start back up again, but I hated taking all those pills.

I am going to enroll my son in kindergarten for next year, I even went and got the paperwork. Thank you for helping me make that decision!

Preggie: I really appreciate your responses, you put a lot of time into them! I do agree on doing something with permanence. That was why I hated waiting tables, the job was never done! And same with housework. It's just over and over, mind-numbing, repetitive work. Somebody shoot me now. I definitely want to simplify, it's just finding the time to do it. My dp is on board with that.

As for a job, part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't right now because if dp is laid off all summer, we want to take advantage and do lots of camping. So we'll see. I did turn in an application to volunteer at the library, but I never followed up on that. I have always suffered from low self-esteem and putting myself out there scares me to death. There are lots of things I'd like to try in theory, but actually doing them gives me total anxiety. And I know it's just silly, but I wonder what people will think of me, etc. I just don't know how to get over that.

When I got pg with my first son, I was still figuring myself out. I was at a point in my life where I didn't know which way to go and becoming pregnant was almost a relief because then it was decided for me. I would be a mother and I was happy about it. And then I went back to school so that was another goal. Now I have no goal. Other than raising kids, but that is not tangible and not immediate. I have no idea what kind of goal to have.

I know giving my kids more attention and love will be good in the long run and I want to do it.

That's all I have time for now, but I really do appreciate all the thought you guys put in to your posts. Truly.
post #55 of 90
Amen to the pps who said "we are not meant to do this alone!" So, so true. I had mild depression last winter and part of my recovery was prioritizing finding other moms I could connect with and find support from (and offer support to).

Also, ditto what pps said that none of us have it together. I'm also a perfectionist and I have everything together on different days. Today I cleaned my house but DH did the parenting this morning and tomorrow I may be a great mom (and a great daughter) but will be a lousy housekeeper, leave the cooking to my DH and etc. Being a mom is truly a juggling act and it takes all of your energy and concentration to keep the balls in the air. That's impossible to do when you're feeling overwhelmed and depressed.

you are not alone and you don't have to feel this way. Definitely look into seeing a counselor.
post #56 of 90
Oh, mama.

You've gotten tons of good advice, but I just want to reiterate: when you see people on the internet talking about their lives, you are, often, seeing a spin job.

You don't know that woman. You don't know her life. You don't know how often you are seeing someone talk about the kind of person they WISH they were, they kind of life they WISH they were living.

And there's a ton of weird competitiveness on the mom internet - or maybe it's not really competition, maybe it's people reaching for answers, reaching for perfection, reaching for the perfect solution that will make their life perfect, bearable.

"We're MORE organic/Britax-using/rear-facing/co-sleeping than you. Our baby didn't eat solids until she was three years old! Our teenager is still rear-facing! Our Waldorf child has never even SEEN a TV. Oh, your baby won't stop crying? Probably because you vaccinate/had a traumatic birth/are somehow imperfect."

That's such hogwash. HOGWASH. Yeah, I said it.

I've said it before here, but if only to remind myself: life is hard and rich and there's an element of chance. That can seem terribly scary to people, so instead of admitting that there but for the grace of God go I, with my screaming baby, or marriage that's falling apart, or PPD, or C-section, or not being able to breastfeed, or child with special needs, I'm going to insist that if you had just had a doula, or a better lactation consultant, or the right organic crib mattress, your life would be perfect, just like I'm pretending mine is.

HOGWASH.

Life is hard and interesting and complicated and ever-evolving. When I'm in a good place, I can look at my life and think: "What an adventure this is!" - when I'm not, I think: "Holy shit! Why did I do any of this?!? I'm running away."

And I think that's so common as to be universal.

You are totally normal. Get help if you feel that help would make you feel better, absolutely. But know that you are totally normal. That mama who's bragging about feeding her perfectly-behaved unschooled, non-vaxed, uncirced baby a from-scratch organic lunch before they head off in their Prius to pick up their CSA, she just had a fight with her husband. And she hates her hair and wonders if she should have stayed in school and become a novelist.

You are normal. Everybody, in the immortal words of REM, hurts. People shout about having all the answers because nobody has any of the answers, and it's scary to feel alone in that.
post #57 of 90
Lalemma, brava! Loved your post. Hugs to you, Guestmama, it is definitely a journey.
-e
post #58 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalemma View Post
Oh, mama.

You've gotten tons of good advice, but I just want to reiterate: when you see people on the internet talking about their lives, you are, often, seeing a spin job.

You don't know that woman. You don't know her life. You don't know how often you are seeing someone talk about the kind of person they WISH they were, they kind of life they WISH they were living.

And there's a ton of weird competitiveness on the mom internet - or maybe it's not really competition, maybe it's people reaching for answers, reaching for perfection, reaching for the perfect solution that will make their life perfect, bearable.

"We're MORE organic/Britax-using/rear-facing/co-sleeping than you. Our baby didn't eat solids until she was three years old! Our teenager is still rear-facing! Our Waldorf child has never even SEEN a TV. Oh, your baby won't stop crying? Probably because you vaccinate/had a traumatic birth/are somehow imperfect."

That's such hogwash. HOGWASH. Yeah, I said it.

I've said it before here, but if only to remind myself: life is hard and rich and there's an element of chance. That can seem terribly scary to people, so instead of admitting that there but for the grace of God go I, with my screaming baby, or marriage that's falling apart, or PPD, or C-section, or not being able to breastfeed, or child with special needs, I'm going to insist that if you had just had a doula, or a better lactation consultant, or the right organic crib mattress, your life would be perfect, just like I'm pretending mine is.

HOGWASH.

Life is hard and interesting and complicated and ever-evolving. When I'm in a good place, I can look at my life and think: "What an adventure this is!" - when I'm not, I think: "Holy shit! Why did I do any of this?!? I'm running away."

And I think that's so common as to be universal.

You are totally normal. Get help if you feel that help would make you feel better, absolutely. But know that you are totally normal. That mama who's bragging about feeding her perfectly-behaved unschooled, non-vaxed, uncirced baby a from-scratch organic lunch before they head off in their Prius to pick up their CSA, she just had a fight with her husband. And she hates her hair and wonders if she should have stayed in school and become a novelist.

You are normal. Everybody, in the immortal words of REM, hurts. People shout about having all the answers because nobody has any of the answers, and it's scary to feel alone in that.
post #59 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalemma View Post
Oh, mama.

You've gotten tons of good advice, but I just want to reiterate: when you see people on the internet talking about their lives, you are, often, seeing a spin job.

You don't know that woman. You don't know her life. You don't know how often you are seeing someone talk about the kind of person they WISH they were, they kind of life they WISH they were living.

And there's a ton of weird competitiveness on the mom internet - or maybe it's not really competition, maybe it's people reaching for answers, reaching for perfection, reaching for the perfect solution that will make their life perfect, bearable.

"We're MORE organic/Britax-using/rear-facing/co-sleeping than you. Our baby didn't eat solids until she was three years old! Our teenager is still rear-facing! Our Waldorf child has never even SEEN a TV. Oh, your baby won't stop crying? Probably because you vaccinate/had a traumatic birth/are somehow imperfect."

That's such hogwash. HOGWASH. Yeah, I said it.

I've said it before here, but if only to remind myself: life is hard and rich and there's an element of chance. That can seem terribly scary to people, so instead of admitting that there but for the grace of God go I, with my screaming baby, or marriage that's falling apart, or PPD, or C-section, or not being able to breastfeed, or child with special needs, I'm going to insist that if you had just had a doula, or a better lactation consultant, or the right organic crib mattress, your life would be perfect, just like I'm pretending mine is.

HOGWASH.

Life is hard and interesting and complicated and ever-evolving. When I'm in a good place, I can look at my life and think: "What an adventure this is!" - when I'm not, I think: "Holy shit! Why did I do any of this?!? I'm running away."

And I think that's so common as to be universal.

You are totally normal. Get help if you feel that help would make you feel better, absolutely. But know that you are totally normal. That mama who's bragging about feeding her perfectly-behaved unschooled, non-vaxed, uncirced baby a from-scratch organic lunch before they head off in their Prius to pick up their CSA, she just had a fight with her husband. And she hates her hair and wonders if she should have stayed in school and become a novelist.

You are normal. Everybody, in the immortal words of REM, hurts. People shout about having all the answers because nobody has any of the answers, and it's scary to feel alone in that.
s again to you guestmama!
post #60 of 90

re

I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this guest, even though you were scared and embarressed.
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