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Mama in desperate need of advice. Don't want to be a mom anymore.-UPDATE page 5 - Page 4

post #61 of 90
I don't have a lot of time, but I had to post. First of all (((hugs))) to you mama! I understand (to a degree) the depression part. I was on antidepresents for many years (for anxiety and depression, both extremely prevelent in my family). When u got married I actually got off them (we decided to have kids right away and u didn't want to be on any 'drugs' while pregnant). I'm actually doing ok (it's been since august 08). I think the prego hormones and hormones from nursing have helped a lot! I also came to realize, shortly after ds' birth, that I just can not do everything! I too am a perfectionist and I just learned to let things go (to a degree ). It's been very hard, but I realized I would go crazy if I didn't!!! I wanted to post some things that help me and a apologize if I am repeating advice from another post, I haven't read them all yet...so, two things that really help me when I'm at my 'wits end' are hot baths and going for a jog. The jogging really helps! I think for three main reasons: 1. You release a lot of endorhpins when you run (there really is a 'runners high'. Once you get over the starting phase jogging really can make you feel euphoric 2. It gives you time to yourself. You can think, listen to music, take in the world around, it's great. And 3. It can help you feel a sense of accomplishment. If you set (realistic) goals you can easily meet them and it makes you feel as if you 'did something' that day. For the baths, I ask dh for 20 minutes of 'me' time a few times a week so I can soak in the tub. I bring a book or a magazine (and sometimes a glass of wine ) and just RELAX. It's different then trying to bathe while the kids are there but you're still 'responsible' you really need your dp/dh to be there to take care of the kids so u can relax!
Anyway... I hope your feeling a little better! Big hugs! And as for a 'perfect' mom... There isn't one!!!!
post #62 of 90
In addition to my sympathies (I do understand, especially about falling into moods like you're in) I have two suggestions and I hope they don't sound fickle:

Kundalini Yoga and Meditation I've been doing it daily (even if just for 3 minutes!!)for over 5 years and absolutley nothing comes close to helping me achieve mental and emotional balance and experience energy the way it does. Its also led me to some very deep spiritual experiences and makes me feel "connected".

If not this, perhaps try a spiritual practice that works for you.

Also, Reconnect with DH Kids are really sensitive to our friction and I know when we're having major issues, DS is out-of-control as a response. Not only that, when we're doing well, I tend to be more relaxed (duh-who feels good fighting?), so I'm more in-tune and am more patient with DS.

Anyways, I hope these suggestions don't sound silly to you, but that's what helps us through difficulties.

Oh, and as far as no libido-are you still nursing?? I had no sexdrive while nursing..at all! At the end of a year DS started to refuse to nurse and I let it go..I was honestly happy to be able to have sex again...this might sound selfish to some who ExtendBF, but for me, its what helped us all to relate much better as a family.

And I also understand about MDC..I'm anti-AP label I do whatever suits us for the moment and am far from perfect. I WOH 3-4 nights a week and its my social scene and helps me feel better than being a SAHM. I thought I could do SAHM'ing, but I'm not cut-out for it..I started to get depressed and felt so blah all the time! Just try not to do too much if you do work- for me, 4 nights is pushing it since it messes with my sleep and then I can get cranky and moody from lack of sleep...so moderation is good!

Also, HS, no way-yet another thing I thought we'd do, but DS has a super social personality and we both enjoy breaks from each other.

Keep your eyes out for other daycare situations: neighbors that watch kids and need a job, etc.. that's what worked out for us and its like second family day or night!!!
post #63 of 90
Originally Posted by mermaidmama View Post
I just wanted to say thank you so much for posting this guest, even though you were scared and embarressed.
I too struggle much like you. Sometimes life just feels so difficult. I appreciate your courage for posting. Your thread here has given me many ideas and comfort as well. So by sharing, you have also helped.
post #64 of 90
s from me, too, Mama. We're in the process of looking for a daycare and trying to get DH a job, for many similar issues. In DH's case, I think even a part-time job would benefit him. It would give him social connections, people to relate to away from home, and a chance to be away from DS.

As much as I believe in doing what you love for a career, some people never get there. I don't expect what most people call a career for DH. A job will take care of what we need.

We're still on the fence over part-time or full-time work. I was originally thinking two days a week for DH, but if the Montessori school we're looking at is as wonderful as it sounds I might be willing for him to go full-time.

For you, guestmama, a two-day-a-week job would allow your family to take four-day weekend camping trips, while providing some income and time away from the children. Many part-time jobs don't offer benefits, which might let you stay with your current plan. I don't know what the income would do to your current benefit/situation, though.
post #65 of 90
Originally Posted by choli View Post
For what it's worth, I strongly suspect that many of those posts you're talking about are more in the realms of fantasy than in reality. Anyone can be perfect online.
If I were in your position, I would get a job. It sounds like you really need a break from your situation.
I really think you are suffering from post partum depression.
I have not gone farther than this post, as I thought this summed it up perfectly "Anyone can be perfect online" This is SO true.
I have dayd where I'm shouting alot, too. Most of my parenting days, I'm admitting are great; I love it, but some days I reach for that wine glass and think "gosh glad they're in bed"

I think you need some counselling, help to get a life outside the house; not everyone is cut out for this full time mother thing (just like not everyone is cut out to do every job, I couldn't do my Husbands, just like he couldn't do mine. I'm an ex Nanny and Teacher. This is what i DO.

Really, I think you can look at other people differently, too, as lots of people are going through this, but YOU came out and said it! That's REALLY brave. (I don't think anyone would have thought worse of you had you done it under your years old name, but I get the reason.

Today is for you. It's Mother's day. Take some time to be thankful you're there for your children.

I'm going to go and read the others.
post #66 of 90

I've suffered from depression too, and I know how hard it can be. A couple of thoughts that may be repeating things other people have said, because I scanned many of the replies.

First, it sounds like your meds are either not the right ones or not the right dose. Most people need a much higher dose than the initial one. When I was at my worst, I needed 4x the starter dose. It didn't make me a different person, it didn't harm me (or my nursing child), but it did make it possible for me to start getting well.

Second, it sounds to me like you are taking good, positive steps to get better -- you're seeing a counselor, you're going back to your prescriber about the meds. Celebrate the little accomplishments. One of the things about depression is that it sucks the energy and creativity out of your brain. It's hard to think, let alone do anything. The fact that you've made these steps is huge. Celebrate those.

Third, how do you do this? You let others help. You have a right to be helped. The odd thing I found when I needed help was that it strengthened my relationships with a few people. It's really really really hard to show vulnerability. Doing so took a lot of trust. But I now have 3 people I can trust implicitly to come help when needed. I didn't learn that the first time I needed help. I learned it the second. So if it doesn't happen soon for you, that's OK.

Along a similar vein, it's also OK to let your partner take on some of the burden for a while. One of the things I've learned in nearly 20 years of marriage is that at any one time, no marriage is 50-50. Over time, yes. But dh and I have had a few years where it's been wildly out of balance, one way or the other. The years our children were born and I had severe PPD, dh took up the slack. The year dh was hospitalized 3x, I took up a lot of the slack. Even now with both of us healthy, dh's currently doing more because of my job and the kids' activities.

Finally, don't let the internet fool you into thinking people's lives are in control. As I type this, there is a sinkful of dishes waiting to be washed. I have only a vague idea of where our children are (they're down the street with friends). I can't remember the last time I vacuumed our bedroom. Right now, there's so much stuff on the floor in there that the vacuum won't fit. Some days, our kids spend far too much time on the TV or the computer. Yesterday, I spent an hour playing stupid computer games rather than doing dishes. Why? Because I'd spent 6 hours ferrying dd to 3 different activities and grocery shopping and I was spent. It was a conscious choice. The dishes are still there, and I'm feeling better. It was the right choice. (And I never do crafts. I hate crafts. All they do is make a mess. And then you've got more junk to deal with. I hate crafts. At least when I bake I get to eat the cookie dough.)

Hang in there please. Ask for help. Take the help that's offered. Go back to your health care providers. It will get better.
post #67 of 90
I haven't read any of the replies, but, FWIW I found 4 to be the hardest age.
post #68 of 90
I can't make it better and offer you some hugs. Your kids are predisposed to love you so although you yell to much and hit them sometimes (try to stop the smacking though) they love you anyway. You are clearly depressed. Depression meds take a minimum of six weeks to become effective IF you have chose the right one the first time. Don't stop taking them. Sometimes when they go effective it is literally like a lightswitch effect, sometimes it comes on slowly. I would have your son tested for ADHD. And investigate Calm Child tincture. Get you son more active. Wear him out if you can. Gotta run. more later.
post #69 of 90
Thank you for this thread. You are describing my husband to a t. Reading this thread is helping me understand him. I don't understand depression, I'm guilty of saying "suck it up" or "try harder" or "just get organized and it'll be easier" or any number of other placating phrases.

Then, because he's struggling, I come home from work (I WOH, he primarily is SAHD) and I pick up all the slack, taking care of most of the cooking, cleaning, organizing, planning, etc. I thought I was being helpful by doing that, but I wonder now if I am worsening his depression/low self-esteem by coming home after a full day of work and doing what he couldn't do all day. Does he resent me for that?? You've given me a lot to think about.

Like I said, I don't understand depression, but I have felt that drowning feeling before, where it feels like life is spiralling out of control and I am about to lose it. For me, what has worked is to make a list of everything, then prioritize it, and just start doing it. The priorities will vary by person, I need to have a semi-clean house before I can focus on anything else in my life, clutter/mess on the floors and counters will consume me and I can't focus on anything else. So the first thing I do when I'm feeling overwhelmed is clean. I say I'm an angry cleaner

Once I feel like I have a handle on my house, I can focus on the next thing, maybe setting some more rules or guidelines for the boys, maybe catching up on appts/bills/paperwork. Some people are opposite, some need to focus on behavior before they even begin to worry about the state of their house. It's just a preference. But the point is, pick one thing, and go.

I have also found that schedule/routine/structure is important for me. When I'm about to lose control of life, I force myself to go to bed at a certain time, and get up at a certain time. I force myself to workout every day. I force myself to shower every day. Same time every day. For me that means getting up before dawn, and at first it sucks, but after a few weeks, I feel better, I look better, my mood is better. And then, somehow, the other stuff just seems either not so inconquerable, or it somehow takes care of itself. I don't know how me going to the gym or for a walk at dawn makes the laundry get done, but it does!

This is all what works for me. My husband has not found what works for him. He is still in your shoes, saying things like "maybe we should burn the house down and start over". I keep trying to push my solutions onto him, but my solutions only work for me, he has to find what works for him. I don't know how to help him. I can just give him patience, love, and space.

I hope that you also are getting patience, love, and space. Please talk to your husband. Tell him that you are lost right now and trying to find your way, and that you just need the time and support. He sounds like a great guy, but he is probably hurting seeing you hurt. Assure him that he has not caused this, and that you do love him, and that you are trying.

I'd also suggest that you consider telling your older son that too. Sit down, read a book together, cuddle some, then apologize to him for yelling/spanking/whatever. Tell him that mommies aren't perfect. Tell him that you are going to try harder tomorrow. Then tomorrow, do the same thing. When you are both feeling calm, have some snuggles and talk about what you did wrong AND right that day, then promise to try again tomorrow. You'd be surprised how far that might go towards helping him. AND you.
post #70 of 90
Originally Posted by nina_yyc View Post
...if you want to get away from the kids, get away from the kids. But don't get a job unless you want a job.

...I'm very type A so I don't WANT low standards.
I agree with what you're trying to say! Telling me to lower my standards isn't helpful nor would 'get a job' be helpful...

Actually when I feel really low...getting off the computer and really just being present with my kids (and myself) makes such a difference. Reading about SO many people's problems and/or "ideal" lives can become overwhelming sometimes.

Originally Posted by lalemma View Post
Oh, mama.

You've gotten tons of good advice, but I just want to reiterate: when you see people on the internet talking about their lives, you are, often, seeing a spin job.

You don't know that woman. You don't know her life. You don't know how often you are seeing someone talk about the kind of person they WISH they were, they kind of life they WISH they were living.

And there's a ton of weird competitiveness on the mom internet - or maybe it's not really competition, maybe it's people reaching for answers, reaching for perfection, reaching for the perfect solution that will make their life perfect, bearable.

"We're MORE organic/Britax-using/rear-facing/co-sleeping than you. Our baby didn't eat solids until she was three years old! Our teenager is still rear-facing! Our Waldorf child has never even SEEN a TV. Oh, your baby won't stop crying? Probably because you vaccinate/had a traumatic birth/are somehow imperfect."

That's such hogwash. HOGWASH. Yeah, I said it.

I've said it before here, but if only to remind myself: life is hard and rich and there's an element of chance. That can seem terribly scary to people, so instead of admitting that there but for the grace of God go I, with my screaming baby, or marriage that's falling apart, or PPD, or C-section, or not being able to breastfeed, or child with special needs, I'm going to insist that if you had just had a doula, or a better lactation consultant, or the right organic crib mattress, your life would be perfect, just like I'm pretending mine is.


Life is hard and interesting and complicated and ever-evolving. When I'm in a good place, I can look at my life and think: "What an adventure this is!" - when I'm not, I think: "Holy shit! Why did I do any of this?!? I'm running away."

And I think that's so common as to be universal.

You are totally normal. Get help if you feel that help would make you feel better, absolutely. But know that you are totally normal. That mama who's bragging about feeding her perfectly-behaved unschooled, non-vaxed, uncirced baby a from-scratch organic lunch before they head off in their Prius to pick up their CSA, she just had a fight with her husband. And she hates her hair and wonders if she should have stayed in school and become a novelist.

You are normal. Everybody, in the immortal words of REM, hurts. People shout about having all the answers because nobody has any of the answers, and it's scary to feel alone in that.
post #71 of 90
post #72 of 90
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post

about the posts here. I don't post my failures here much. No one really cares about what didn't work. They want to hear about what did. Also i have read posts from people I know in real life and they sounded like super mom. liar liar pants on fire. thats all I gotta say. Also one mans"well behaved, super intellegent kid" may be another mans whining screaming not so bright kid. i take everything I read here with a grain of salt.

getting a part time job saved my life. then I woke up one morning and had no husband (he ran off with another woman) and was all of a sudden no longer a stay at home homeschooling mom. well crap. time to ship off the kids to daycare and school. and yep. it sucks letting go of those ideals but it hasn't hurt the kids either. they are fine. and so am I. and I like my job. and they like school. they like going to grandmas. we are ok. and I am a better mom than I have ever been before. I mean losing my xh helps but also knowing how precious our time together is helps. and adult interaction during the day.

also shutting off the computer helps me be a better mom. Lets face, the more I am on line talking about being super mom the less time I am actually spending with my kids and I get irritated when they won't shut up and let me read. I'll admit it. I have been this mom (they are with their dad right now). Even when I was a stay at home mom the best thing I ever did for parenting or my social life though was to turn off the computer.

You do not have to be the perfect AP poster mom. the perfect mothering mom. it is ok to serve your family food from the grocery store, it is ok to send them to public school this year, it is ok to have a half clean house most of the time. they can watch Tv and wear mismatched socks (I have just embraced this last one...). heck my kid went to school wearing all pink (several different shades) her hair wasn't brushed and her socks did not match and her lunch box contained speghetti os, apple sauce (like the one she had for breakfast) and a pudding cup but ya know what, no one yelled or cried no one rushed. it was a great morning. and she got picked up from school by the soon to be step mommy that my ex ran off with. yeah, shes gonna judge me. don't care. my baby went to school happy today. and rockin' a style thats all hers. embrace mediocore. let the crap slide.

Your son sounds like a bundle of eneergy, Is there anyone who would be willing to help you get a break every now and then? Just until you can get yourself rested enough to deal with his behavior?

Barring any extrordinary behavior issues, it is ok to to use discipline. I know saying no and expecting obedience is not popular here on mothering but it really is ok to have a plan for teaching your child discipline. If you would like to talk more about that send me a PM.
Wonderful post!I could not agree more! You're an inspiration!
post #73 of 90
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to thank you all again for taking the time to post. I read each and every word that you all wrote and I truly appreciate your words. I've been doing better the last few days. Stayed off of mdc (except this thread) and haven't been to facebook since Friday. I was on there multiple times a day trying to escape my own life. Yesterday I could feel myself slipping back down into those feelings of despair and I was trying to pinpoint why I was starting to feel that way. I came to the conclusion that I was just really bored with life. So I do realize that I need to come up with something that is going to be exciting and challenging and if that means a job, then so be it. At least looking for a job will be a challenge.

I also watched this series on netflix called "This emotional life", a frontline series. If you ever get the chance to watch this, I highly recommend it. It was so interesting to know the biology behind emotions and that when someone is depressed it is not their fault and that there are truly chnages happening in the brain. The episode I'm on now is about happiness. So interesting.

I also realize that I should exercise and that it will make me feel better, but I just need to figure out how to motivate myself to do it. Also, I was thinking about what you all said about how no one is a perfect mom and how here at mdc everyone is portraying the best of themselves. Which is so funny because here I am, using a different username so as to not reveal that I am not perfect. So I guess I understand why people do that now! I am one of them.

I have an appt witht the med doc tomorrow and I think she said to up my dose but I can't remember so maybe I will start doing that tomorrow.

Thanks again ladies, you truly are the best!
post #74 of 90
: Glad to see the signs of hope in your post, OP.

Lemme tell ya, there sure is a reason I WOH. Because I suck at the day to day of being a mom. On occasion when DH has to go somewhere for a weekend day, forgetaboutit. If I don't take the kids to my mom's house or someone else's then by the time he gets home, all he gets are grumps and yells and disgruntled kids. Good gaia, I can't tell you when the last day went by that I didn't yell at someone in the house.

But yeah, I put pressure on myself sometimes because of what I read here. The GD forum makes me feel horrible most of the time. Heh. So, I have to take breaks (just like I do from the news or anything that overwhelms me), because I cannot take it all in.

But in broad strokes, our kids' lives are better than DH and mine growing up and we still have things we look fondly back on. With any luck, our grandkids will have better lives yet.
post #75 of 90
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post
If you find that you spend a lot of time mentally bullying yourself to do housework or play with the kids, that might be something to try and change. It's amazing how much energy gets burned up doing that. When you think about a task you want to get done or something you 'should' be doing, rather than put yourself into a state of mental anguish, give yourself a YES or NO answer.

Think "Am I going to do this now?" Yes or no. If it's something that actually is essential, ask yourself "Am I going to feel more like doing this later?" or "Is there going to be a more convenient time to get this done?" Yes or no. If the answer is no, the answer is NO. Decision made, put it out of your head and move on. If the answer is yes, then go do it right then.

It's a lot easier to deal with not having gotten something done if you've made a conscious decision to not do it. It sort of declutters your brain... I don't know how else to explain it.

Other than that, I'd just be repeating what everyone else has said... just try and hang on.
Wow. Thank you. This is an amazing bit of wisdom.
post #76 of 90
Exercise: Do you have the money to join a nice gym? the kind with childcare and a family pool? Back in the day, when I was married and had money I had one of these and it was glorious. I would go work and leave my kids in the childcare. Each punch covered two hours and i would use every freaking minute of it. It was not the most life enriching two hours of their day but no one died and that was good enough (they played a lot and watched a little TV....) and then we would swim for a couple of hours. not only did I get a lot of exercise, which I needed, so did they and we blew four to five hours of an otherwise mind numbingly borning day. We even had baths covered for the day in a bathroom that I didn't have to clean up! It would have been even better if I could have roped a friend into working out with me. Sometimes we would stop and grab lunch afterwards (lunch from a kitchen I did not have to clean up!). It was a nice break a few times a week and served to get some exercise which I needed.
post #77 of 90
I don't have any better advice than others here. I just wanted to say that I understand. When my daughter was 1 and my son was 4, I wanted to give my daughter away. Truly-for adoption or to a family member. When I was completely open to my husband about it he was shocked. I didn't like her at all. I am not sure if I loved her or not. My son, he is so easy going that he just took care of himself. However, I ended up basically ignoring him because I was so unhappy and burnt out. I fantasized about not having kids...One thing that I had that you don't is a job. I could get away and that was very helpful to me. A few things helped me get better:

I avoided parenting and let my husband be a single parent. I literally stayed away from home as much as I could. I tried to never have 2 kids to take care of at a time. I also was treated for hypothyroid. That helped more than I expected. As my daughter got older, I fell in love with her. I wonder if we had been stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle of negativity. I would be rude and grumpy and frankly verbally abusive and how would she respond to that? By being just as unpleasant.

One thing I did is I made a conscious effort to be more respectful of my children. The first step was giving up. If I didn't discipline them at all, I wouldn't end up yelling at them. I "let her win". I picked my battles and the only ones I picked were safety issues. I let her be rude to me, jump on the couch, make messes. I ignored her if she pushed me or yelled at me. I know that is not ideal but somehow, it didn't backfire on me and it has turned out well. I feel like now we have to catch up with teaching her life skills and politeness, etc. but it's happening. She is surprisingly not a tyrant. (She had her father and daycare to model good behaviors and discipline...) I am amazed that we got through that. It was a dark hell. And the turn around has been very slow, in baby steps.

Good Luck
post #78 of 90
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
Exercise: Do you have the money to join a nice gym? the kind with childcare and a family pool? Back in the day, when I was married and had money I had one of these and it was glorious. I would go work and leave my kids in the childcare. Each punch covered two hours and i would use every freaking minute of it. It was not the most life enriching two hours of their day but no one died and that was good enough (they played a lot and watched a little TV....) and then we would swim for a couple of hours. not only did I get a lot of exercise, which I needed, so did they and we blew four to five hours of an otherwise mind numbingly borning day. We even had baths covered for the day in a bathroom that I didn't have to clean up! It would have been even better if I could have roped a friend into working out with me. Sometimes we would stop and grab lunch afterwards (lunch from a kitchen I did not have to clean up!). It was a nice break a few times a week and served to get some exercise which I needed.
This is genius! What did you do if you were sick or injured though?
post #79 of 90
they also had a cafe The gymn I went to had a nice track and I coulod walk as slow as I wanted. They also did rehab there so they had resistance machines and stuff where you could work around any injuries or gently work on things that were bothering you. During the times I was there there were people working out who had to drag oxygen tanks around with them. seriously. It was a pretty slow pace . So I could do something. it probably wasn't the best work out but it was something to get the blood flowing. leisurely pedaling while reading a magazine.....walking slowly and burning more calories singing along to my ipod....there were six different TVs all on a differnt show....and of course there is always swimming. or floating. There were trainers and what not included in our membership who could set up a work out routien that would work for me. As for sick, well if I were too sick to work out and I really needed the break from my kids I would not be opposed to dropping them of fin daycare and laying low around the gym....like I said, they had a nice cafe. and I could have brought a sack lunch and eaten in there. I even did that for the kids on occaision. peanutbutter and jelly is always better somewhere besides your own table and if you know swimming is coming next. I paid seperately for childcare ($1.50 per child for 2 hours. ) so didn't mind using it for whatever. the only rule is you have to be in the building. And there was a lot to do in that building. I could have sat in the meditation room, gotten a massage, took a long hot shower with someone else water bill with no kids interupting me (there were private dressing/shower rooms)......I think the membership was about $80 a month plus childcare. I didn't actually pay for it (We had a business arrangement where we donated some stuff every year and they gave us a free family membership). It also included as many free classes as i or the kids wanted to take. they even had things like tae kwon do, ballet, racquet ball and cheerleading once a month for the kids, seasonal parties, weekly exercise classes for them, free swimming lessons, mom and tot classes. It was an expense but if you used it a lot, totally worth it.
post #80 of 90
Good to know.
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