Mama in desperate need of advice. Don't want to be a mom anymore.-UPDATE page 5 - Page 5

[Subhuti]

Hey Guestmama - just echoing everyone else with all the love and encouragement. You're going make it...

Liz

[guestmama-001]

update

Just wanted to give a quick update and then I think I'll be able to be done with this guest username. It's been a month and I am feeling better. I quit taking the meds because I didn't feel they were doing anything. I started taking my supplements again and I am feeling so much better. My dp and I had some serious talks and I left and went to my mom's for a few nights which I think was a real wake up call. He came to a counseling appt with me and that was great. I feel like we are on more the same page now and know that we need to seek counseling together regardless of the cost. I feel like perhaps that was the root of my unhappiness and I didn't know it. I was so unhappy in my relationship but I was trying to ignore it. Because I thought I could never leave, I would never be able to leave. But I finally realized that I would be ok if I had to leave and it would not be the end of the world. So I feel like that gave me the confidence to be totally honest with my partner and it was a good thing.

I also wanted to say that my son's behavior has gotten better and I do believe that's because I am paying more attention to him and trying to be more present with him. I found the love again and our relationship is improving and I feel like I have more patience. I'm now thinking that maybe those meds weren't really helping and perhaps they were making things worse.
Anyhoo, thanks for the help and advice and support.

[slylives]

[QUOTE=lalemma;15385127]

You've gotten tons of good advice, but I just want to reiterate: when you see people on the internet talking about their lives, you are, often, seeing a spin job.

"We're MORE organic/Britax-using/rear-facing/co-sleeping than you. Our baby didn't eat solids until she was three years old! Our teenager is still rear-facing! Our Waldorf child has never even SEEN a TV. Oh, your baby won't stop crying? Probably because you vaccinate/had a traumatic birth/are somehow imperfect."

That's such hogwash. HOGWASH. Yeah, I said it.

I've said it before here, but if only to remind myself: life is hard and rich and there's an element of chance. That can seem terribly scary to people, so instead of admitting that there but for the grace of God go I, with my screaming baby, or marriage that's falling apart, or PPD, or C-section, or not being able to breastfeed, or child with special needs, I'm going to insist that if you had just had a doula, or a better lactation consultant, or the right organic crib mattress, your life would be perfect, just like I'm pretending mine is.

HOGWASH.


QUOTE]


Possibly the best response to any post I've ever read.

[Bena]

Originally Posted by PPK

I'm anti-AP label !!

Yup....I truly think labels can sometimes be hurtful in that they put unnecessary pressure to conform in a certain way
I realised that these "my life is perfect look at me" blogs are just like the models you see in fashion magazine; it's an image of perfection that has been digitally enhanced and manipulated to the point that it is no longer reality, and it's not fair to measure ourselves by them.

It's hard to remember, but it's important!

I'm glad things are better for you! Hang in there!!!

[dawncayden]

I'm so happy things are working out

[mt_gooseberry]

First of all, I haven't read through all the responses, and I apologize if that is bad etiquette (sp?) or if I have missed something, but I just wanted to answer quick. When you describe how you feel, I remember how, when I was little, my mother was always mad and yelling. One day (as she tells it) I told her she looked like a monster and she realized she needed help. She began taking anti-depressants, and was on them for many years. They were not a miracle cure, but they gave her the edge she needed to cope and begin to enjoy life again. What you describe sounds exactly like she says she felt. It also is almost a textbook description of depression. I think you should continue taking your anti-depressants, because it takes awhile for you to feel the changes they make on your brain chemistry. I should also advise you to continue with therapy, but I felt like I never made progress with a therapist (yes, mental illness runs in my family). Eventually, once you are stable, I encourage you to look into alternative treatments (supplements, etc.)--for some people they can be VERY helpful (more so than with traditional anti-depressants.

As for your son, I am not a doctor or any kind of "expert" to give you "professional" advice. I am, however, a teacher, so I do have experience and training in recognizing potential problems, and I think your son may have some issues to work on as well, some relating to your own problems (not feeling at the top of your game can affect parental guidance) and very possibly physiological issues (ADD?).

Please remember, though, that you have not done anything to feel guilty about. If you haven't been the best parent, well, you have been struggling with a bona fide illness (depression is not psychiatric mumbo jumbo, it is a treatable physiological disorder!) and once you are back on your feet, things will begin to get better for all concerned. Take it from a child who was once in your son's position: things CAN get better!

[Surfacing]

I haven't read everyone's responses yet, just a few of them. Just wanted to give s

[frugalmum]

You need to stop hitting right away-- that could get your kids taken away from you and even have legal consequences for you. If he ends up bruised you could be arrested (and obviously it's not a good thing to do regardless!). So stop hitting, even if it means you stick the kids in front of the TV and lock yourself in the bathroom while you cool off.

Your story sounds a lot like mine (although I did not hit-- I was abused as a child so I have a hands off policy when I'm angry-- I don't have any physical contact with anyone). I wanted to be a perfect mum, a perfect AP parent, nice house filled with homemade stuff, homeschool, no TV, no videogames, super connected and fun parents.... etc. ...

I found I had to let go of the AP dream. I don't really consider myself AP anymore-- I had to do this to keep my sanity. In practice am I AP? More or less-- but I can't identify with the "brand" anymore because it was just too much of a burden. I was constantly judging myself-- not AP enough-- not AP enough-- not AP enough-- I didn't babywear enough today-- my kids didn't eat enough organic produce today-- I used commercial shampoo on my kids-- I am a boring homeschool mom who makes her kids do workbooks--- and so on into infinity. I just couldn't do it anymore!!

I guess you have to take the part of AP that you CAN do and let go of the rest. Not hitting would be a great place to start, and heck, even if that's all you do, you still will have made a vast improvement!

Another thing I would suggest is that your kids MUST help you clean. Obviously the younger one can't yet but the older one can at least pick up toys and help mop the floor, fold towels, etc.. Try to set limits, i.e. he can't use wii unless he fold the towels. Stick to it even if he howls and tantrums. You need them to pitch in!

I'm glad you are doing better and off the AD (those can actually make you feel worse IMO). Hang in there and take it one hour at a time.

[Surfacing]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I have this problem, too. I just want to point out that MDC seems like a monolith sometimes. But, the moms posting about their perfect housekeeping routine, and the moms posting about their all-from-scratch-all-organic cooking (the "make my own bread, pasta, dressings, jams, etc. etc. etc. level), and the moms posting about their flawless gentle discipline, and the moms posting about their awesome daily crafts, and the moms posting about their twice daily outings, and the moms posting about hours of activism/advocacy - they're not all the same moms.

I just wanted to add too that while AP and GD techniques may work for some moms and some kids, they don't work for all moms and all kids in all circumstances. Sometimes when I read about what AP/GD stuff works for people, I think, "Yeah, but my kids doesn't respond like yours." Or "Yeah, what would you do if YOUR kid did xyz?"

I battle perfectionism also and at the end of the day, had to permit myself to Go To The Other Side Which May Not Be Named On This AP Board to some more mainstream techniques with dd1 'cuz the other stuff was just.not.working. and I was going insane.

I am a medicated mama who is taking TWO types of anti-depressants and let me tell you, it's made a huge difference.

I can relate so much to so much of what you've said.

I wish you healing and health. Be gentle with yourself. Get some good support. I agree with other posters who suggest getting outside help for childcare (AT LEAST SOME OF THE TIME).

[j_p_i]

Originally Posted by guestmama-001

I started taking an antidepressant about 2-3 weeks ago and that hasn't helped at all. I've tried supplementation, but I can't stick with it. I've been seeing a counselor for a few months, isn't really helping. I get out and get "me" time, doesn't seem to matter, I'm still really irritated when I get home.

I haven't read all the responses and don't have much time to respond, but I wanted to send my hugs and support to you. I also wanted to urge you to continue on with the antidepressants. Nearly all antidepressants take up to 6 weeks for you to begin feeling the effects of them, and not all antidepressants work for all people. In a month if you feel they aren't working, ask your doc to try something else.

I did just scroll down and read that you stopped taking the meds and were feeling better. I am very glad to hear that you are feeling better, and even if you decide to rule out meds, if never hurts to have someone to talk to! I do hope things continue to look up for you.