Mother-in-law undermining almost everything!!! Help!

[mamika]

If you have ever dealt with anything similar before please comment on how you handled this situation...I will more than appreciate it!

My mother-in-law, who is from Eastern Europe, has come to live with us for three months in order to build a relationship with her grandson (my idea) and help us out while I am working full-time (I will be returning to SAH in june)

DS is 19 months and dh and I have always done really well with maitaining consistent boundaries and dealing with ds' temper tantrums. Before mother-in-law came ds was agreeable most of the time and was very comfortable with the routine dh and I had designed.

However, it has been one month that ds has been staying exclusively with mother-in-law during the day and she has undermined so many of the things we had established. DS is now turning into a little monster when he doesn't get his way. I know that temper tantrums are part of this age and will be for a while but they are getting so much worse since she's been here. What I have noticed is that she gives him everything he wants, whenever he wants, wherever he wants. For example, We use to always feed him at the table as a family. Now he insists on eating all his food in the living room and refuses to sit at the table. She never tells him no and I understand that grandparents enjoy spoinling their kids. I guess that's okay if its for a short period of time but I'm worried that 3 months of spoiling is going to be too much!

I will be returning home to stay with ds in June or July and I'm not sure what I will come home to. This age is so difficult in general because a toddler wants to explore the world and exert his independence.

I might add as well that mother-in-law is very difficult to talk to. She believes she does everything right and its very hard for her to change. I'm trying to decide...is this worth starting a possible ugly argument with her? I feel that I have to do what I need to do take care of my family but I don't want to disrespect her plus she comes from a different culture.

Please tell me..what would you do? Is this a big enough deal that she needs to be talked to or am I overreacting? Will it be the nightmare I'm imagining when I come back into the household and try to lay down the boundaries that have been undermine for the past three months? This is my first child so I'm not sure what kind of effect this will have on a 18 - 20 month old.

[gbailey]

Hmmm...I think this is a tough situation but can be remedied. Is your husband on board with how you feel about MIL spoiling DS? If so, maybe he should talk to her first? It sounds like maybe it's a cultural difference? In some cultures, the MIL's word is more important than the mama. Maybe if your husband talked to her. I would choose the things she allows him to do that are most disturbing but not every single one. For instance, sitting at the table while eating. I would let some things go (only you and DH can decide what those things are) and bring up the points that are most frustrating for you. Hope that helps.

[mamika]

Thank you for your posting gbailey. You could not be more right about the cultural aspect of MIL's word being more important than my own. Needless to say, this been very difficult for me! Luckily, my husband is on board and we are planning to talk with her.

I appreciate the advice! I will get busy deciding what things I need to address and what things I can manage to let go.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by mamika

Thank you for your posting gbailey. You could not be more right about the cultural aspect of MIL's word being more important than my own. Needless to say, this been very difficult for me! Luckily, my husband is on board and we are planning to talk with her.

I appreciate the advice! I will get busy deciding what things I need to address and what things I can manage to let go.

DH being on board is so important so that's great. Please post back what happens

[marispel]

I would encourage you to let your DH do most of the talking. I can imagine this will be a sensitive discussion and this is your hubby's mama. She might not be as defensive if she hears it from him. PLUS...these things always come back to bite you down the road...better him than you! My MIL still reminds me of things I did/said 10 yrs ago. Gesh.

Good LUck - hope it goes well.

[mamika]

Originally Posted by marispel

I would encourage you to let your DH do most of the talking. I can imagine this will be a sensitive discussion and this is your hubby's mama. She might not be as defensive if she hears it from him. PLUS...these things always come back to bite you down the road...better him than you! My MIL still reminds me of things I did/said 10 yrs ago. Gesh.

Good LUck - hope it goes well.

I only hope I can hold my tongue when DH is speaking with her. It's so difficult when the conversation is about something so important. I definitely don't want this to come back and bite us down the road. I would love for everything to go perfectly but I know that isn't likely. I always heard the dreaded tales of MIL but I've never experienced for myself until now. It's going to be a LONG road ahead! She's even trying to convince me to come stay at her home for the summer when the kids get a bit older. I don't know if I have it in me to stay 3 months in her own home where there's no doubt she will exercise her authority.

Thanks

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by mamika

I only hope I can hold my tongue when DH is speaking with her. It's so difficult when the conversation is about something so important. I definitely don't want this to come back and bite us down the road. I would love for everything to go perfectly but I know that isn't likely. I always heard the dreaded tales of MIL but I've never experienced for myself until now. It's going to be a LONG road ahead! She's even trying to convince me to come stay at her home for the summer when the kids get a bit older. I don't know if I have it in me to stay 3 months in her own home where there's no doubt she will exercise her authority.

Thanks

I respectfully disagree with the poster who said to let your DH do the talking. I think it's always best to have these conversations when you are not p.o'ed about something else but I don't agree he should do most of the talking because it's his mother. When it comes to your child, I believe a mama has every right to express herself fully about how her child is being cared for but you know the situation better than I do. I hope you come back and say, "my mother in law was so receptive to what we were saying and agreed to do x, y and z"

[mamika]

Originally Posted by gbailey

I respectfully disagree with the poster who said to let your DH do the talking. I think it's always best to have these conversations when you are not p.o'ed about something else but I don't agree he should do most of the talking because it's his mother. When it comes to your child, I believe a mama has every right to express herself fully about how her child is being cared for but you know the situation better than I do. I hope you come back and say, "my mother in law was so receptive to what we were saying and agreed to do x, y and z"

Oh how I wish I could tell you that it went so great and MIL was receptive and respectful of our wishes...ARGHHH!

DH and I took on the situation last night. I was unable to hold my tongue and I told MIL exactly how I felt. I thought that I was calm, respectful, and spoke from a place of love and concern for my son. DH also gave his piece and did a good job reaffirming that it's important for us to all be on the same page with raising DS. MIL resisted to listen. Persisted to say that everything is fine and she will be gone soon (2 months!) and then we won't have to worry about it anymore. She became defensive and took our comments as an attack on her knowledge of raising children. She showed no interest in making any changes. I don't think she thinks she's doing anything wrong. We tried so hard to let her know that we are doing this because we love ds. MIL was angry me with me all day and this morning. Of course she's not angry with dh. Plus she won't even admit she's angry. She just won't speak to me but when I ask are you upset in hopes of reconciling she says no. She's holding it all in and won't talk about it which is so difficult for me because I prefer to talk out a disagreement and find a solution where all parties are happy.

Now I'm stuck in a situation where I hate going home to my own home because she's there but all I want to do is spend time with ds and dh. It's so frustrating. Not to mention I'm 17 weeks pregnant and emotional! DH is still siding with me and is going to keep working on her. I guess she hasn't realized that the relationship she has with me will determine the relationship she has with her grandchildren. If all we do is argue and she can't respect my wishes as the mother than we won't be visiting her very often or for very much time. She already lives halfway across the world as it is.

Thanks for your help. It makes me feel better knowing that someone else feels the same way I do about needing to stand up for my child. Hopefully she will reflect on it today and things will get better. I'm trying to change her flight to an earlier date but it's not looking good.

[maddymama]

Hi Mama,
OK, what I say will probably upset you a little bit, but it's JMHO. From what I understand, your MIL is providing free care for you while she visits, and I've learned that you can't really direct the childcare that is provided for free as you could if your MIL was a paid babysitter/childcare employee. For instance, we are a mostly TV free household, but when either grandparent sets babysit for us, they watch TV. It's against our views, but they are doing us a favor (and need to survive the babysitting experience somehow), so I let it fly. They also give DD1 ice cream and cookies or other treats that I wouldn't, but it's their special time together. (The only time I'd really push is when there is an allergy involved like peanuts).
You can talk to your MIL, but if she's doing you a favor then she's doing you a favor by watching your LO for free for a bit. Do what you can do to keep your standards consistent, let your LO be a brat to your MIL, but don't let him be a brat to you and your DH. You can only control your actions/reactions, etc. You can't control your MIL.
Good luck, and try to enjoy the fact that your LO and your MIL are getting a chance to bond in a way that many LOs and grandparents don't.
~maddymama

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by mamika

Now I'm stuck in a situation where I hate going home to my own home because she's there but all I want to do is spend time with ds and dh. It's so frustrating. Not to mention I'm 17 weeks pregnant and emotional! DH is still siding with me and is going to keep working on her. I guess she hasn't realized that the relationship she has with me will determine the relationship she has with her grandchildren. If all we do is argue and she can't respect my wishes as the mother than we won't be visiting her very often or for very much time. She already lives halfway across the world as it is.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but the sentence I bolded really struck me.
I really believe kids have a RIGHT to have relationships with other important people in their lives other than their parents. I don't think moms (or dads) should interfere with those relationships unless there's something frankly unsafe going on. Letting a kid eat in the living room - however much it would annoy me, too! - isn't on par with feeding a kid something they're allergic to or failing to use a car-seat.
Yes, I can see how annoying it would be to have her undermining your rules. But is two months really such a long time? Isn't it a great thing that he's getting to know his grandma? And isn't she providing FREE childcare? Nothing prevents you from enforcing your rules when you're at home.
Keep in mind, too, that your DS is in what's often a challenging developmental stage for many kids. I certainly notice it with my 21-month-old.
Hang in there, mama. You did a wonderful, generous thing by reaching out to your MIL and inviting her to get to know her grandchild.

[gbailey]

Originally Posted by mamika

Oh how I wish I could tell you that it went so great and MIL was receptive and respectful of our wishes...ARGHHH!

DH and I took on the situation last night. I was unable to hold my tongue and I told MIL exactly how I felt. I thought that I was calm, respectful, and spoke from a place of love and concern for my son. DH also gave his piece and did a good job reaffirming that it's important for us to all be on the same page with raising DS. MIL resisted to listen. Persisted to say that everything is fine and she will be gone soon (2 months!) and then we won't have to worry about it anymore. She became defensive and took our comments as an attack on her knowledge of raising children. She showed no interest in making any changes. I don't think she thinks she's doing anything wrong. We tried so hard to let her know that we are doing this because we love ds. MIL was angry me with me all day and this morning. Of course she's not angry with dh. Plus she won't even admit she's angry. She just won't speak to me but when I ask are you upset in hopes of reconciling she says no. She's holding it all in and won't talk about it which is so difficult for me because I prefer to talk out a disagreement and find a solution where all parties are happy.

Now I'm stuck in a situation where I hate going home to my own home because she's there but all I want to do is spend time with ds and dh. It's so frustrating. Not to mention I'm 17 weeks pregnant and emotional! DH is still siding with me and is going to keep working on her. I guess she hasn't realized that the relationship she has with me will determine the relationship she has with her grandchildren. If all we do is argue and she can't respect my wishes as the mother than we won't be visiting her very often or for very much time. She already lives halfway across the world as it is.

Thanks for your help. It makes me feel better knowing that someone else feels the same way I do about needing to stand up for my child. Hopefully she will reflect on it today and things will get better. I'm trying to change her flight to an earlier date but it's not looking good.

I'm really sorry the talk didn't go that well. It's too bad she can't see beyond how she feels but again and I am not saying her response is okay,it sounds like a major cultural difference. Is she the only person who can watch your DS? How does your husband feel about her response and her being short afterward? Really sorry things did not go better.

[mamika]

Originally Posted by maddymama

For instance, we are a mostly TV free household, but when either grandparent sets babysit for us, they watch TV. It's against our views, but they are doing us a favor (and need to survive the babysitting experience somehow), so I let it fly. They also give DD1 ice cream and cookies or other treats that I wouldn't, but it's their special time together. (The only time I'd really push is when there is an allergy involved like peanuts).

I appreciate your comment and I agree with your statement in the end that there is good to this situation...my son bonding with his grandma and believe me I am trying to focus on that.

However, I do think that the situation you equated to my own is not quite the same. I imagine that if dd's grandparents were staying with you for a prolonged period of time...say three months...and they were letting your little one watch TV and eat ice cream and cookies all day you would not be okay with it. I may be wrong but I would assume you would talk to them and find some middle ground instead of letting your lo be indulged all day with TV and sweets.

For me, the conflict comes from the long period of time not the fact that she wants to spoil him. I would be fine with spoiling if it was just for a week but 3 months of spoiling...

Anyway thanks. I'm always looking for the positive but there's also a need to vent

[mamika]

Originally Posted by Megan73

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but the sentence I bolded really struck me.
I really believe kids have a RIGHT to have relationships with other important people in their lives other than their parents. I don't think moms (or dads) should interfere with those relationships unless there's something frankly unsafe going on. Letting a kid eat in the living room - however much it would annoy me, too! - isn't on par with feeding a kid something they're allergic to or failing to use a car-seat.
Yes, I can see how annoying it would be to have her undermining your rules. But is two months really such a long time? Isn't it a great thing that he's getting to know his grandma? And isn't she providing FREE childcare? Nothing prevents you from enforcing your rules when you're at home.
Keep in mind, too, that your DS is in what's often a challenging developmental stage for many kids. I certainly notice it with my 21-month-old.
Hang in there, mama. You did a wonderful, generous thing by reaching out to your MIL and inviting her to get to know her grandchild.

Thanks for your kind and encouraging words at the end! I really don't want to get in the way of my relatives relationship with my son. Hence, which is why I am in this situation in the first place. I want to be clear about what I meant about my comment I guess she hasn't realized that the relationship she has with me will determine the relationship she has with her grandchildren.

My point is that she wants us to come and stay with her for three months in the summers. There would not be any free childcare this is just vacation. If my husband and I continue to feel disrespected and underminded, remember MIL had no relationship with ds before coming here, then we won't want to spend 3 months battling her. We would stay a month but 3 would be too much for our sanity and too much stress for the family. It's really simple.

[marispel]

Originally Posted by gbailey

I respectfully disagree with the poster who said to let your DH do the talking. I think it's always best to have these conversations when you are not p.o'ed about something else but I don't agree he should do most of the talking because it's his mother. When it comes to your child, I believe a mama has every right to express herself fully about how her child is being cared for but you know the situation better than I do. I hope you come back and say, "my mother in law was so receptive to what we were saying and agreed to do x, y and z"

I have a MIL that is extremely sensitive but very protective of her own kids. I learned long ago that she will hold a grudge if I say something but not when DH says it. To me, it doesn't matter who says it as long as it gets said, but in the case when dealing with sensitive issues like this I let DH take the lead.

[jujumama]

I am sorry, but just because you are getting "free" child care doesnt mean that the grandmother can do whatever she wants with the child and undermine your authority.  She is living there rent and bill free is she not?? Its a two way street... and by not respecting your wishes as a mother she is actually doing you more harm than good.  She is making you the bad guy. ALL adults in the household need to be on the same page when it comes to the rules for the child. I am having the same problem... but my son is now two years old and i have another one on the way and its a daily struggle with what i say and what she allows to happen when im gone.  Everything he does is ok in her eyes because he is a "baby"- when i feel like now is when you need to have a structure and routine for a child, she lets him run the show.  So when i get home from work, its even harder on me because she let him take a nap at 5 pm, and so when he wakes up from his "nap" at 7, he isnt getting to bed until 1 am!! But is SHE the one who has to deal with the baby til 1 am and then get up and go to work? No. Just this morning, for the 20th time, i caught her giving him a bottle when he woke up- a 2 year old! I have made it clear in a very nice and respectful way many times that i want him to have breakfast in the morning, NOT a bottle of milk that fills him up until 2 pm so he has no real food in his stomach.  So, as i was getting ready for work, i see that she has yet again, gone against me and given him a bottle in place of a real breakfast.  FIRST of all, if it were up to me he would be OFF the bottle completely, as this is one reason he isnt even ready to be potty trained because he always has one before a nap, which obviously he will wet himself during his nap because he has had a bottle.  ALSO its not good for his teeth- but hey what do i know, Im just his mom.  The thing is, she has lived with us his entire life- and it seems like every rule i set, she breaks.  i dont let him have pens, because he has drawn on every wall in my house, plus the couch. he is allowed to color with crayons, as long as he is supervised, but i have caught her giving him ink pens, and then she says "oh i dont know how he got that."  Then, when i tell her I dont want him to have something she says "oh, mama doesnt want you to have this" making sure to make it seem like its only MAMA's rule, and not the rule! With another one on the way, its really frustrating, because he is still in diapers... I dont want 2 children in diapers! its expensive! She says to me "oh, he is a baby, I will buy him diapers- no, she wont. And she isnt getting on the potty train bandwagon with me which is something i said when i GOT pregnant that i wanted him to be out before this one came... I understand part of it is also when the kid is ready, but if we were all on the same page, he would get it. its just easier to change a diaper than it is to deal with kid peeing and pooping on himself all day. but he WOULD get it. But not if its only two days a week when mommy is home and never any other day. Like i said, its not FREE childcare when they are not paying rent or bills and only watch the child 3 days a week. At first, i really felt she was a lot of help, i was a first time mom, and had a bout of PPD so as an infant it did help for me to be able to rest more..  but as my son gets older, she is just making things harder and letting him get away with everything... which isnt helping me.  THen when this new one comes, im afraid my son will run to her more because i will have to take care of the newborn who will need more attention, and now grandma will be even MORE of the mom... I have a hard time talking to her becuase my husband makes me feel like if i say anything she will be offended and leave... he sees it as well, we cant afford daycare, but if she still lives there and pays her way, we could afford it. so i dont know what to do... im trying to learn from your experience, but at least your MIL will be gone soon... mine is more like a long term thing which i know will only make my child a spoiled  little brat which i dont want!