I am divorced with 2 kids, but have a (surprise!) baby with a man with whom I had what I cringe to describe as a "friends with benefits" relationship. Never had any plans to be long-term with me, we kept each other company while HE waited for "something better" to come along. My state of mind was not good at that time, as my ex-husband just got married and I'd always hoped we'd reconcile, and this guy's company was a great comfort to me while I was recovering from that shock and disappointment. ANYWAY...
We have an unusal co-parenting arrangement. We have a custody agreement and I am the primary parent, but he wanted to pay the least amount of child support possible, so he is entitled to have her for 180 days a year and I have her 185. That is just "on paper". In fact, he does all his visiting WITH me, 4 nights a week he's at my house for a couple of hours (he leaves work, grabs a bite to eat, and drives probably a total of 15 miles out of his way to come see her). We usually get together one day on the weekend, too, during the day. It makes me happpy that he is so devoted to her and she loves him. But it is sometimes hard on me.
He abruptly ended our friendship/dating relationship when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and I didn't see him again till the night my daughter was born. During the past 18 months, he has usually been pleasant and cooperative. For a while, he was taking us all out to eat regularly (dating??) and for a few months, invited us to his house on Saturdays to visit and share a meal. 3 months after the baby was born, I was surprised to find him making sexual advances, but it was short lived, as I insisted that if he wanted a sexual relationship with me, he needed to marry me. I'm relieved that he didn't pursue that, but I would like to have a more warm relationship with him.
I KNOW he is commitment-phobic as described in Steven Carter's "Men Who Can't Love". I read this book when I first met this guy --before we got sexually involved--and I was trying to help him figure out what was wrong with him and how to fix it. He really wanted to get married and have a family. He's almost 40 and has never had a 2-way romance. He had crushes on a couple of women, but before me he had only a few and very brief relationships with women. He'd only get involved with women he would not marry (I was divorced with kids and 6 years older than him when he was looking for someone about 10 years younger, never married, no kids) and he'd dump them as soon as he felt they were wanting to "get serious". He dumped me after I asked for (but didn't demand) a commitment.
I rarely see my ex-in-laws, but after we were divorced, before he remarried, I'd take them pretty regularly on visits without my ex, and sometimes we'd all go. Since the re-marriage, I'm pretty much out of the picture.
Now, with the baby's father, things are about to get messy. He is from a different country and the only family he has here is his sister. She is about to move here from out of state. Since the baby was born, she has visited a few times and we all socialized together. She has 2 kids around my baby's age. Back in November, he abruptly told me to not inquire about his friends, family, work. He used to volunteer all sorts of information, and photos and such, but he hardly tells me a thing now, and didn't even tell me when his nephew was born. In Steven Carter's book, this is part of a commitment-phobe's typical behavior--building artificial boundaries.
When the sister came up a few months ago (he told me the night she was coming), he invited me to stay and visit with them, but I declined. I simply dropped the baby off. The sister (whom I would LOVE to be friends with!) called me and asked why I wouldn't visit with them. I tried to explain that I hadn't been in his house for the past 3 months, that I was told not to express any interest in HIS family and I needed to protect myself emotionally. I didn't want to socialize/feel close/love her and her husband and kids if the baby's father was going to give me a hard time about it. I don't know if I made her understand. It did make me feel sad when I did see her and her children briefly and I knew I wasn't considered part of my child's family. Baby's dad wanted my kids to come in and see his nephew, and I let them, but I felt bad about it.
I think the dynamics are different when there has been a marriage. If my ex-husband told me to not ask about or communicate with my ex-in-laws, I would tell him he didn't have that right, that they are MY family too and they can decide for themselves whether to talk to me. Some of them are my facebook friends. I feel comfortable around them. But with the baby's father, it is different. Technically, they are my family by blood, but since the baby was an "accident", I was never invited to be a part of their family. So, I feel like an outsider. Shunned.
I am wondering what other never-married parents do. BTW, I don't think the baby's father is "seeing anyone". He told me in November that he wasn't (I asked if that is why he suddenly started acting so weird) and he also has told me repeatedly (not that I asked him to) that he would tell me if he does. I think that would change the dynamics, too, if he had a wife/girlfriend.
I am sad because I think his mother will probably come to visit for a month or so this summer, like she did last year. She doesn't speak English, but I have been told MANY times that she "likes" me. I don't know why. The baby and I spent almost every day with her last year when she was here. If she comes this year, I cannot feel comfortable with her. I don't want to offend her and I'm not sure how to make her understand that it is her son who is standing between us, and that I love and respect her and would like to have a relationship with her as my child's grandmother.
I am trying to get counseling to help me deal with this situation, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. I'm hoping someone here might have some experience dealing with this situation and can offer supportr or encouragement.
We have an unusal co-parenting arrangement. We have a custody agreement and I am the primary parent, but he wanted to pay the least amount of child support possible, so he is entitled to have her for 180 days a year and I have her 185. That is just "on paper". In fact, he does all his visiting WITH me, 4 nights a week he's at my house for a couple of hours (he leaves work, grabs a bite to eat, and drives probably a total of 15 miles out of his way to come see her). We usually get together one day on the weekend, too, during the day. It makes me happpy that he is so devoted to her and she loves him. But it is sometimes hard on me.
He abruptly ended our friendship/dating relationship when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and I didn't see him again till the night my daughter was born. During the past 18 months, he has usually been pleasant and cooperative. For a while, he was taking us all out to eat regularly (dating??) and for a few months, invited us to his house on Saturdays to visit and share a meal. 3 months after the baby was born, I was surprised to find him making sexual advances, but it was short lived, as I insisted that if he wanted a sexual relationship with me, he needed to marry me. I'm relieved that he didn't pursue that, but I would like to have a more warm relationship with him.
I KNOW he is commitment-phobic as described in Steven Carter's "Men Who Can't Love". I read this book when I first met this guy --before we got sexually involved--and I was trying to help him figure out what was wrong with him and how to fix it. He really wanted to get married and have a family. He's almost 40 and has never had a 2-way romance. He had crushes on a couple of women, but before me he had only a few and very brief relationships with women. He'd only get involved with women he would not marry (I was divorced with kids and 6 years older than him when he was looking for someone about 10 years younger, never married, no kids) and he'd dump them as soon as he felt they were wanting to "get serious". He dumped me after I asked for (but didn't demand) a commitment.
I rarely see my ex-in-laws, but after we were divorced, before he remarried, I'd take them pretty regularly on visits without my ex, and sometimes we'd all go. Since the re-marriage, I'm pretty much out of the picture.
Now, with the baby's father, things are about to get messy. He is from a different country and the only family he has here is his sister. She is about to move here from out of state. Since the baby was born, she has visited a few times and we all socialized together. She has 2 kids around my baby's age. Back in November, he abruptly told me to not inquire about his friends, family, work. He used to volunteer all sorts of information, and photos and such, but he hardly tells me a thing now, and didn't even tell me when his nephew was born. In Steven Carter's book, this is part of a commitment-phobe's typical behavior--building artificial boundaries.
When the sister came up a few months ago (he told me the night she was coming), he invited me to stay and visit with them, but I declined. I simply dropped the baby off. The sister (whom I would LOVE to be friends with!) called me and asked why I wouldn't visit with them. I tried to explain that I hadn't been in his house for the past 3 months, that I was told not to express any interest in HIS family and I needed to protect myself emotionally. I didn't want to socialize/feel close/love her and her husband and kids if the baby's father was going to give me a hard time about it. I don't know if I made her understand. It did make me feel sad when I did see her and her children briefly and I knew I wasn't considered part of my child's family. Baby's dad wanted my kids to come in and see his nephew, and I let them, but I felt bad about it.
I think the dynamics are different when there has been a marriage. If my ex-husband told me to not ask about or communicate with my ex-in-laws, I would tell him he didn't have that right, that they are MY family too and they can decide for themselves whether to talk to me. Some of them are my facebook friends. I feel comfortable around them. But with the baby's father, it is different. Technically, they are my family by blood, but since the baby was an "accident", I was never invited to be a part of their family. So, I feel like an outsider. Shunned.
I am wondering what other never-married parents do. BTW, I don't think the baby's father is "seeing anyone". He told me in November that he wasn't (I asked if that is why he suddenly started acting so weird) and he also has told me repeatedly (not that I asked him to) that he would tell me if he does. I think that would change the dynamics, too, if he had a wife/girlfriend.
I am sad because I think his mother will probably come to visit for a month or so this summer, like she did last year. She doesn't speak English, but I have been told MANY times that she "likes" me. I don't know why. The baby and I spent almost every day with her last year when she was here. If she comes this year, I cannot feel comfortable with her. I don't want to offend her and I'm not sure how to make her understand that it is her son who is standing between us, and that I love and respect her and would like to have a relationship with her as my child's grandmother.
I am trying to get counseling to help me deal with this situation, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford it. I'm hoping someone here might have some experience dealing with this situation and can offer supportr or encouragement.
