my 4 yo is turning into the family bully

[Nosy]

My 4 yo (middle child, has an older and younger brother) seems to be turning into the family bully. If he is criticized, he tells me I'm in trouble and hits me. He used to pout when criticized but now he just hits us. I usually have a baby in hand and don't know how to react. I usually tell him that's not appropriate but of course that does nothing to deter it from happening again. If his older brother is engaged in something, he'll come up and hit him to get him to interact with him. I know he needs attention, we try to give him enough. Today's episode came after he went out with Daddy for a special lunch, you'd think he could not hurt us for a little while. He also does a bunch of inappropriate behavior like coming up behind me and pinching my bottom or waving his penis at his older brother. He doesn't go to preschool, he doesn't watch tv, we don't exhibit this kind of behavior in the house, I really don't know where he learned it. I'm at a loss as to what to do but I'm so tired of every day involving him hitting someone. I'm seriously considering putting him in some sort of preschool at this point just to give us a break.

[NellieKatz]

The preschool thing won't work, as he'll just get in trouble for hitting the other kids. Been there, done that! :-)

Have you considered that he might have a sensory processing disorder of some kind? Do some online research about that; it might help. I realized that my son has a HUGE need for strong physical contact. He used to hit when he was happy, hit when he was mad, hit when he was sad, climb, push, squeeze, grope and hit some more. I live mostly in my head (vs. my body) so this was troublesome, needless to say.

At one point it dawned on me that this might not be "misbehavior" but that he has a strong need for physicality (which I do *NOT* share). So I decided that when he acted in this way, I'd recognize it as a need for contact, and redirect to something acceptable. He is 7 now, so this makes it easier than with a young one, but still, I thought I'd tell you what we did.

I explained that it was clear he had a real need to be physical, and that it was not wrong to be that way, but it was different than how *I* am. But that I wanted to meet his need, so that whenever he came over and groped me, or hit, or pushed inappropriately, I'd turn and let him push my hand against mine, palm to palm, as hard as he could stand. We call it "push time!" It has worked REALLY well. Some kids just need to feel other bodies, whether in impact, or touch, or whatever.

(another thing that just occurred to me is that the hitting kids who are playing is a way of saying "I want to join you in play but don't know how" so maybe that's a teachable moment for you)

Anyway, why not look up SPD and see if you can find a list of symptoms. And some kids just have it a teeny bit, but the point being you can really see how things aren't "wrong" with him any more, they are just "different" and totally solvable.

I will do the same and will post back here if I find that real helpful list I found recently. Good luck. :-)

[NellieKatz]

Ok, found it.
http://www.sensory-processing-disord...checklist.html

I found that the first category, sensory-seeking, sounded familiar. Also we were in the hypersensitivity to sound and touch categories too, to some extent. Whether or not he has a "syndrome" or "disorder", just to know that lots of other kids have a similar situation really helped me understand my son much better.

I hope it helps

[Nosy]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

Ok, found it.
http://www.sensory-processing-disord...checklist.html

I found that the first category, sensory-seeking, sounded familiar. Also we were in the hypersensitivity to sound and touch categories too, to some extent. Whether or not he has a "syndrome" or "disorder", just to know that lots of other kids have a similar situation really helped me understand my son much better.

I hope it helps

I hadn't thought about it as an SPD issue. He is definitely sensory seeking, while at the same time extremely sensitive to noise. I like what you said about recognizing that he needs more physical touching, that helps, too. Thanks for giving me a new angle to approach this from.

[Mizelenius]

We have this, too-- same birth order. Hitting is not always the issue. A lot of it is teasing . . .she teases us all.

Very, very hard issue. SOMETIMES I can handle it well. Lately I've been trying to get in the mindset of acceptance-- I accept that this is her behavior right now and I won't try to worry about it happening. When she acts out, I say nothing except offer a hug to her and a hug to the victim. Sometimes that helps tremendously. No one is left with the feeling that she is a bully, not "mean," etc. so the issue gets resolved.

But days like today . . .we were out with just a few friends at a forest preserve on a walking path. It was not late in the day, she had food available (so, not hungry-- think her basic needs were met), but the teasing would not stop. First she would run up to her sister and try to scare her. My hugs, redirection, etc. did not work. So I told her sister to laugh. That helped stopped the scaring, so my DD switched to BITING. I have a hard time physically stopping her with this type of behavior.

My DD is asking to go to KG (older DD is hs'd) so we'll see how it goes. She normally does not have issues with this type of thing with anyone else . . .just a family thing. Does your son?

I'll have to read more about SPD, but for me, I can trace problems back to when I had child #3.

Just looked through the list . . .does not fit at all for her except being impulsive. (Does for my other DD who does not have this issue!)