getting major flak for HB

[me&3]

I'm getting a really annoyed by all of my friends telling me (or should I say begging me?) to reconsider having a homebirth.

It'll be my fourth birth, and my second homebirth. The only difference is that my last birth (the water HB of my dd) was 9 years ago, and I'm now 40 yo.

Tonight a friend from the community (who's a doctor) told us that my age was a major risk factor (what???) and tried to scare us with stories about becoming impaired, etc etc etc.

Sigh. Just wanted to vent.

And if anyone has any suggestions for how to block all this fear out, I'd appreciate it. (It's not like I buy into their fear, but I can't help but think it's affecting me somehow.)

[dogmom327]

Oh yeah, you're really old Good grief, women in their 40's (even their late 40's) have been having home births for an awfully long time--what do these people think women did before hospitals and birth control pills? I'll bet if they look through their family histories they will find that a number of their female ancestors had births at an "advanced maternal age" or whatever they're calling it these days.

Ultimately though, maybe you can counter by pointing out that the data doesn't support a significant risk which is why a home birth with a midwife is perfectly legal in your state.

Stay strong mama!

[briome]

Umm... sure there are those people who think since you are over 35 five that you are going to _________ (fill in the blank) when pregnant, but come on a risk factor (of having more BP issues for example) does not mean that you HAVE them just that you might get it more because you are AMA (advanced maternal age). I'm sure that your care provider is well versed in noticing and managing any such risk and I'm sure you are a prudent mother who would get more medicalise if your situation warrented it.

I just find it insulting because people assume that HB is just a casual 'mindless' thought one does to be trendy or just to 'say f-you to the man' when it is soo much more then that. You are doing something intentionaly for yourself and your child!

I would either feign agreement, then whip it back at them "Oh yes, I see your point, what could I possibly do if I don't progress?" (this was actually mentioned as a concern about my homebirth that I just had- I was holding the infant!---from a woman that worked previously at an OB's office) "I guess I would just keep a check on the baby's heartrate and my own status......and get more medical help if the situation warrented it"

Whatever concerns people have......are interesting... but irrelevant 'fluff' that disturbs your right to gestate in peace. I feel that Hombirth is a wonderful choice and I would not say anthing, even if you were 41 yrs old *gasp*

[Sunflower66]

don't be discouraged. Having a homebirth, as in delivering your child on your own terms in my opinion is one of the most empowering experiences any woman can have...perhaps a little frightening to those that don't want to take responsibilty for their own experience in that arena.....

[SwanMom]

You can do it! Women homebirth all the time at your age & older.

[blessedwithboys]

my mother had a HB at 37. it had been 7 yrs since her last birth (first two were in hospital, very medicalized, think twilight sleep)

heres the kicker...my mother had no regular prenatal care, just one visit to a clinic for sono and amnio, and drank and smoked through the whole pg. according to her calculations, she went 3-4 wks past her due date. she apparently slept through early labor, woke up at 2am to pee, felt the head and barely made it out of the bathroom to the kitchen floor where she pushed out my sister in 2 pushes. my sister was fine.

of course no one advocates the things my mother did and didnt do. you are getting prenatal care for goodness sake, and even if you chose to UC, its a conscious choice, one that is well thought out and planned for. you will be fine, mama, and even if something deviates from "normal" you will no doubt have the good sense to seek help. (i had an "emergency" csec that took 3 hrs to go from consent to OR and my son was fine. as long as you are reasonably close to an OR, if you would choose to go to a hospital, you are good to go)

[Phoenix~Mama]

I beleive it was in the "Pregnant in America" film that they interviewed a Norwegian woman who was 40 and just had a homebirth and they questioned if she was scared about birthing at home at her age, and the look she gave was priceless, she basically said what did she have to be afraid of? Women gave birth since the begining of time it was just a course of life what did her age have to do with it?

That part just really stayed with me. I know it's hard blocking out negative feedback. But know you are strong and can do it.

[Lit Chick]

When I was pregnant with my first and chose HB, some people were very worried. I came back at them with data. That "what ifs" scare people the most - and I let them know I had total trust in my MWs.

I basically ignore the fear. Yes, I get scared, but not about homebirth... about anything. I still get scared for my 2 1/2 year old. Life is full of what ifs. We make the best choices we can. I can't prevent all the bad things... so I won't worry.

For the really insisten people, who were like "but what if this, scary emergency that" I again hit them with data and gave them my risk/benefit analysis. For me, the risks of a hospital birth were greater than an HB.

People were much more vocal about my not vaxing than having an hb.

[LionLady13]

Join the HB club (regarding scare tactics from ignorant folks). Don't worry about what they say! Let it roll off your back. I received so much negativity from all around me regarding my decision to have my first baby almost two years ago at home in the water in my kitchen that I'm frankly surprised I went through with it. It was the best decision I've ever made and I have a happy, healthy 20 mo. old to show for it! You're doing the right thing mama. Be proud of yourself and the courage you have in the face of all these unsupportive people!

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by me&3

I'm getting a really annoyed by all of my friends telling me (or should I say begging me?) to reconsider having a homebirth.

It'll be my fourth birth, and my second homebirth. The only difference is that my last birth (the water HB of my dd) was 9 years ago, and I'm now 40 yo.

Tonight a friend from the community (who's a doctor) told us that my age was a major risk factor (what???) and tried to scare us with stories about becoming impaired, etc etc etc.

Sigh. Just wanted to vent.

And if anyone has any suggestions for how to block all this fear out, I'd appreciate it. (It's not like I buy into their fear, but I can't help but think it's affecting me somehow.)

My aunt had her first child when she was 38 - outdoors in a tide pool. She had her second when she was 43 - at home in a birthing tub. I thought the "risk" factor was only to do with Down Syndrome? Like at 35, the risk of fetal death due to the amniocentesis they do to check for Downs is the same as the risk of your baby having it.

[phoebemommy]

I don't know anything about "advanced maternal age" risk factors, but I took a lot of crap at first for my first homebirth at 30, mostly from in-laws, one of whom is an OB nurse. What struck me was how rude it was for people to be sticking their noses in my health care business. I don't tell them what I think of the prescriptions they're taking, the crummy diets they eat, the cigarettes they smoke, etc. I'm perfectly capable of choosing sound health care providers and learning for myself, from data and research, what's a good idea and what isn't.

I'm sure you're well aware of whatever risks there are for you personally in a homebirth, as well as the risks of a hospital birth, and that you know what's best for you. A good response might be something like, "Wow, my health care choices are really personal and not anybody's business!" With a kind of confident surprised tone. Because it's pretty patronizing to lecture a grown woman like this, especially when people don't really know what they're talking about. Even if they're doctors of some sort. That doesn't mean they know anything about homebirth.

[dannic]

I understand feeling sort of sapped by someone elses negativity...I fought that with my first HB--it wasn't as if I agreed with them. It just left me feeling deflated or like I left wearing their negative energy. I quit telling people. Until I was 7 months, and then it all magically went away and I became able to sluff it off...

I love MDC for venting stuff like this! I could come and get it off my chest and get over it! You'll be able to as well.

[minkymama]

My midwife attends birthing mamas at home all the time who are well into their 40s. I responded to negativity about my HB (and about birth in general) in my last pg by saying 'I'm managing the risks with my midwife. I only want to hear positive birth stories; that will help me stay in a good frame of mind for labor and birth.'

Stopped those naysayers in their tracks.

[me&3]

Thank you, ladies. It's good to hear your support! I know it will be okay, but it's hard sometimes to block out everyone's fear. BUT, I met with my midwife yesterday, and I feel very confident!! Only a few more weeks to go!

[bonzgirl]

I'm 24 week pregnant, and currently dealing with similar negative response from my family. I totally feel your pain!!

Because we received so many negative reseponses, I became very confused, stressed, and cried a lot, which is not good for my baby at all. And these people really don't think about what they are doing to me and my husband...

I, too, looked into statistic data, but it seems it's SO HARD to change their mind even with numbers! They just believed that doctor is perfect, and OB can save me and baby just in case... On the other hand, I get the impression that people almost think that midwife is someone we found off the street who know "something" about birth & labor! LOL.

I am very tired to explaining why HB is not risky, and why we are choosing it. A lot of people think we are putting our "style" or "belief" first, and baby second. How could they say that to our face. This is our first baby, and we conceived after 3 year long infertility treatment. Their words really hurt me and even making me think to switch to RN midwife at hospital instead of homebirth, just because I almost can't take these negative thoughts anymore...

I'm trying to keep myself strong, and keep my positive energy as much as possible... sigh...

[caned & able]

Why tell anyone? Do you really need their approval?

The best revenge is living well. Have your baby at home, be healthy, and happy and ignore the nay sayers. They are not worth your time.


You are an adult. You alone can make this decision. You will live with the results.

Remember the story about Sara who had Isaac in a tent in Hebron and she was 90. Both lived for a long time after that. Who are we to say this did not happen?

[CallMeMommy]

I'd refuse to discuss it at this point, but if they keep pushing you I'd ask "Do you think I'm too stupid to research? Or do you think I don't care about my baby? Because those are the only 2 reasons I can see that you keep questioning my decision to homebirth."

[mama_ness]

first, do not attempt to change anyone's mind. it won't work and it will only stress you out. it zaps your much needed energy.

at some point, you may need to say to someone you love, like your mother or sister, "i am sorry you disapprove, but this is my decision and i can no longer discuss this issue with you. i know that you care about me, but please have faith that i am an intelligent person who has done a lot of research on this issue and that i would never put myself or my baby in harm's way." the end. write this down. keep it with you and pull it down when you need to say it. you may need to un-invite someone from your birth if they refuse to be supportive. you may need to remind them several times that you agreed not to argue about this any more and then change the subject or think of a reason you need to get off the phone/ leave the physical space.

try meditating or visualizing to help shed your fears and find other homebirthers in your area. get together for coffee and soak in their good vibes. read all of those great birth stories in ina may's guide or one of the midwife memoirs.

people will keep inundating you with their negativity. don't let them!

best wishes on your birth.

it will be wonderful, and even when our births don't go as planned, it's not because we made a foolish decision or did something wrong.

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by mama_ness

first, do not attempt to change anyone's mind. it won't work and it will only stress you out. it zaps your much needed energy.

at some point, you may need to say to someone you love, like your mother or sister, "i am sorry you disapprove, but this is my decision and i can no longer discuss this issue with you. i know that you care about me, but please have faith that i am an intelligent person who has done a lot of research on this issue and that i would never put myself or my baby in harm's way." the end. write this down. keep it with you and pull it down when you need to say it. you may need to un-invite someone from your birth if they refuse to be supportive. you may need to remind them several times that you agreed not to argue about this any more and then change the subject or think of a reason you need to get off the phone/ leave the physical space.

try meditating or visualizing to help shed your fears and find other homebirthers in your area. get together for coffee and soak in their good vibes. read all of those great birth stories in ina may's guide or one of the midwife memoirs.

people will keep inundating you with their negativity. don't let them!

best wishes on your birth.

it will be wonderful, and even when our births don't go as planned, it's not because we made a foolish decision or did something wrong.

:stillhe art

[averlee]

Pretty much no matter your age, both you & your baby will be safer at home than any American hospital. The American medicalized approach to hospital birth has the US under scrutiny by Amnesty International for our very high rates of maternal and infant mortality/morbidity. Countries that use homebirth as the norm- like 30-40 wealthy nations- have healthier, safer outcomes for both moms & babies.