How will I do it?

[ihugtrees]

My DH and I have been having pretty serious issues for about a year. He seems unwilling to work on it and wouldn't be honest about how he feels to the counselor we saw, briefly. He actually directly LIED to the counselor about how he feels. He does not love me and doesn't want to get a divorce but doesn't want to do any work either, because apparently love should be easy and perfect all the time. We have only been married 2 years in September. It really seems like we are heading for a separation, and probably divorce.

I just don't know how I'll do it.
Financially, I have only one year of college under my belt and my only work experience outside of high school has been nannying. I do not want to be in childcare anymore...like, I really, really do not want to be in childcare...which is why I don't work right now, because I can't work another job and pay someone to care for my daughter and still make even a few dollars an hour. But I don't think I will have a choice. I have horrible credit due to medical issues.
Emotionally, I have severe post partum depression and have had severe depression and anxiety my entire life. I just don't cope well without a support system, and I certainly don't have one. I have one friend who lives 3,000 miles away and is busy with her own life. I am completely new to this area (have only been here one month) and my family is all on the East Coast, but they are unsupportive and unhelpful and fundamentally different from me in every way.
And physically...I don't know how I will physically do it. My DH is in the military and he is gone right now for a month. The house is a WRECK. Seriously, a wreck. Ive had to walk away from the baby and let her cry multiple times because I just could not handle it (she is teething and trying to learn to walk and missing her daddy all at once.) My dog is not getting regular walks and is really anxious about it. I am not eating regular meals, but cereal and fast food and things I can grab on the go that are super unhealthy. This is because I am forcing myself to stay out of the house as much as possible. When I am at playdates or even walking around the mall by myself, I don't feel awful and sad...but at my house, I'm just almost suffocated in loneliness. I can't imagine feeling like this and living like this for my entire future.

So how do you do it? How do you watch the man you love walk away because he just doesn't love you? How do you explain that to your child one day? How do you keep up with everything by yourself? How do you manage financially if you don't have a degree/well paying job? So overwhelmed and feeling really, really alone...

[Arianwen1174]

Hugs, hugs, hugs! I don't have any advice really, but had to give you a hug and tell you I'm thinking of you. Is there any way you can move back where friends and/or family are?

[Theia]

That must be so hard. How you do it is through seeking out any and all resources you might think might even be available to you. Any at all. Decide where you want to be and work on getting yourself there. It's not easy, but it's better than what you are living.

[lapis]

i think i read something you posted yesterday and I just wanted to say that i'm thinking of you. its really really hard to live somewhere new (i just moved to austria w/ my dh and wow... so hard!) let alone to have your partner not really be on the same page with you.

I also wanted to also say that I grew up in Seattle and yes, the Seattle chill is real. I apologize on behalf of all of my PNWers.

and as a longtime nanny and childcare provider (who really doesn't have another degree or other skills to fall back on) and can relate to feeling like you do NOT want to do childcare anymore but are not sure what else to do: I did eventually become a postpartum doula, although I practice infrequently, which I really like doing and can often pay more hourly (although freelance is always rough). Seattle midwifery has a good program and might have scholarships.

Health education resources exchange. just did some googling and found this. I know you don't have a mood disorder but because they are both in your area and aware that new moms need support they, again, might be able to point you in the right direction.

and my "depression-i can't cook anything-but if i don't eat something substantial i'm going to go bonkers-food is: yams w/ cottage cheese. stab yam with fork (you can make like three at a time... you know for later when you even bare the thought of even throwing something in the oven) cook for an hour and a half or so, and put cottage cheese, salt and pepper on top when they are done. ok, but you were saying you are eating out of the house: what about lunch buffets? usually pretty cheap. Indian or even just a regular old salad bar?

ok enough suggestions, i know what you really need is a serious amount of love and hugs. keep us updated. and of course, I hope you guys get to work things out.