DD and Verbal Correction

[JayGee]

DD will be 4 in two weeks and she's become increasingly angry whenever she is corrected. For example, yesterday at the library, she was not sharing the stamps in the children's playroom. I began to tell her to share the stamps with the other girl there, but before I could even get two words out of my mouth, she started screaming, "I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW!" Then continued to hog the stamps. So I told her it was time to leave. She said, "Why?" but before I could say we were leaving because she wasn't sharing the library toys, she began yelling over my voice again, "NO! I KNOW! I KNOW!" And then proceeded to kick and scream and have the mother of all tantrums and chanted the phrase, "I know..." over and over all the way home.

Anyway, she obviously knows that what she's done is not right, but how do I handle this? If I say nothing, she'll think it's okay. If I say something, she doesn't let me finish (or barely start). I'm not giving long lectures here, but doesn't she need to hear why her behavior is inappropriate? I'm at a loss here...

[cdlover]

have you tried asking her what she knows when she says it? i may be way over-simplifying your situation but that is what i would say next with my own kids. and if they didn't respond appropriately, i would leave too. this is such a great age for tantrums, isn't it?

[Marsupialmom]

I would ask her "How are you suppose to behave to stay at a place?"

Ask what does she know.

I would also "ride" her behavior through. I think this will pass.

She knows the rules, she doesn't want to follow them.

[NellieKatz]

Originally Posted by JayGee

If I say nothing, she'll think it's okay.

Why will she think it's Okay? Haven't you told her before that it's not okay?

Of course you have told her, and I disagree respectfully with your assertion.

She's probably irritated hearing the same thing over and over again. We parents tend to act like our kids cannot hear us. They might SEEM like they don't hear us, but they hear us. And maybe she wants to work it out on her own....to see what others do....to let the consequences to her behaviors happen naturally (and learn that way, too) rather than to hear the same words again from Mom. Kids hate to have their intelligence insulted. My son gets real mad when I do that to him (by repeating something I have already told him way too many times. I am SO guilty of repetition!!)

I am not picking on you. I used to repeat the same old stuff over & over too, until someone clued me in how annoying that was. :-) I had seriously not ever thought of it before.

Sometimes kids can be inconvenient and/or embarrassing in social situations while they are learning the finer points of interpersonal relationships. It's hard for us to sit there feeling like the bad mama in front of the other mamas. But the kids learn a lot from each other. Like when they don't share. It's more than about pleasing or not pleasing mommy. It makes kids not want to play with them. And you will be BLESSED if your DD is playing with kids who will say so to her face. Because kids teach each other. It will matter, at some point, that no one likes it when she's grabby. And if mom's not intervening (and is peacefully watching from the sidelines, no doubt grimacing in discomfort of course), then maybe a playmate will get the chance to tell DS to her face, hey cut it out--I hate it when you do that. But sometimes we can tend to cut off that natural process by our intervention.

I read a whole bunch of John Holt's stuff about how children learn and he got across to me a point that I will never forget. I mean, the general idea of it....since I have already forgotten the exact words. haha The idea being that we don't TEACH kids. Kids LEARN. (note the difference about who is doing the DOING in those two sentences?)

In other words, they want to learn, they desperately NEED to learn in order to navigate the big wide world, they are biologically MADE to learn, grasp and process what they need to know. And what doesn't help so much is when we teach AT them, which sort of insults their intelligence.

I am NOT saying you do this. I am just free-form brainstorming here, thinking of how wonderful it was to read this way of thinking for the first time. It helps me give my kid SO much more credit than I used to.

[NellieKatz]

And I am sorry if I am being like a know-it-all. I am going through a period of intense thinking, introspection and writing right now. After a while it drops off and I don't post for quite some time, but that's where I am at right now.

But the sheer number of posts I'm putting up recently tells me I am nearing the time for a long period of listening, rather than talking. :-)

[LynnS6]

My dd gets embarrassed when she's corrected in public and often reacts badly because of it. Her embarrassment is because she knows what to do, but isn't doing it.

As others have suggested, this is a really good age to start asking rather than telling. I'd even add describe, don't tell. So in the library stamp situation, I might (if I'm on my game) say "It looks like that other little girl wants to use some stamps too." Then wait and see what she does. If nothing happens, then "That girl wants to use the stamps. What can you do?" Then you're not insulting her intelligence, you're asking her to come up with a solution.

And some days, maybe she just needs to go home. If she's not in a space where she can share and she can't even let you get two words out, it looks like her reserves are used up.

[butterfly_mommy]

I would say "people are expected to share the toys at the library" and if she continued to not share i would then say in a calm loving but firm way "We are going home now and I think you know why" then I would leave. She does obviously know that she needs to share the toys and no I do not think you have to tell her why her behaviour is wrong repeatedly.

I would suggest reading "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" It has some great insight and strategies for dealing with exactly what you are talking about.

[NettleTea]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz

Why will she think it's Okay? Haven't you told her before that it's not okay?

Of course you have told her, and I disagree respectfully with your assertion.

She's probably irritated hearing the same thing over and over again. We parents tend to act like our kids cannot hear us. They might SEEM like they don't hear us, but they hear us. And maybe she wants to work it out on her own....to see what others do....to let the consequences to her behaviors happen naturally (and learn that way, too) rather than to hear the same words again from Mom. Kids hate to have their intelligence insulted. My son gets real mad when I do that to him (by repeating something I have already told him way too many times. I am SO guilty of repetition!!)

I am not picking on you. I used to repeat the same old stuff over & over too, until someone clued me in how annoying that was. :-) I had seriously not ever thought of it before.

Sometimes kids can be inconvenient and/or embarrassing in social situations while they are learning the finer points of interpersonal relationships. It's hard for us to sit there feeling like the bad mama in front of the other mamas. But the kids learn a lot from each other. Like when they don't share. It's more than about pleasing or not pleasing mommy. It makes kids not want to play with them. And you will be BLESSED if your DD is playing with kids who will say so to her face. Because kids teach each other. It will matter, at some point, that no one likes it when she's grabby. And if mom's not intervening (and is peacefully watching from the sidelines, no doubt grimacing in discomfort of course), then maybe a playmate will get the chance to tell DS to her face, hey cut it out--I hate it when you do that. But sometimes we can tend to cut off that natural process by our intervention.

I read a whole bunch of John Holt's stuff about how children learn and he got across to me a point that I will never forget. I mean, the general idea of it....since I have already forgotten the exact words. haha The idea being that we don't TEACH kids. Kids LEARN. (note the difference about who is doing the DOING in those two sentences?)

In other words, they want to learn, they desperately NEED to learn in order to navigate the big wide world, they are biologically MADE to learn, grasp and process what they need to know. And what doesn't help so much is when we teach AT them, which sort of insults their intelligence.

I am NOT saying you do this. I am just free-form brainstorming here, thinking of how wonderful it was to read this way of thinking for the first time. It helps me give my kid SO much more credit than I used to.

What an awesome post! I love it. So liberating. Thank you for sharing.

[EzzysMom]

My DD is not yet that age, but I agree with the embarassment point of voice as well. Even now with my DD of 2 I am trying to keep my voice very low and private whenever I want to say some sort of correction to her, she is very sensitive to it. It works better, especially in public or around others when it is very short and just said to her. I know I personally clam up and get really stubborn if someone tries to correct me in public like that.

[madskye]

I think sharing is a big concept for little ones. It seems a no-brainer when your an adult, but due to the sheer magnitude of kids who have problems with it...it must be tough to grasp.

I have had more success with DD (now 5) when I position it as taking turns.

I always preach sugar, but DD has a tougher time listening when her sugar intake goes up. Chocolate milk boxes, juice boxes, treats before you go out--for my DD that stuff really makes a difference in how well she is able to listen to me and how short her fuse is.

Maybe continue with redirection as well? Even though she's not a baby, and she's verbal, she's still not entirely reasonable, you know? Instead of leaving, perhaps trying to get her occupied with a story on your lap.

Lastly, trying to foster relationships with the other child in the sharing situation. Maybe you did this, but was the expectation that she would just hand the stamps over to a stranger who walked up to the table? Do you help her introduce herself and ask the other child to play together? Then she might want to share/make a friend and not seeing it as just having to give stamps up.