If your first was the hard one

[mizznicole]

We're expecting #2, and my worst nightmare is that s/he will be as tough as #1: colic, strong-willed, moody, high maintenance, high needs, horrible sleeper, can never be put down, nurses 10 hours a day, etc.

Please tell me high needs kids don't run in families. I love my DS1, but two of him will drive me to the asylum.

[pianojazzgirl]

Well, of course it's not impossible to have 2 high-needs babies (toddlers/children), but FWIW it seems like almost everyone I know (who has two kids) has one who is/was higher-needs than the other. And since your first was pretty high-needs the odds seem in your favour this time around!

ETA my 2nd was actually more high-needs than my first, BUT I found him easier to deal with than my first (and that was with having a 3 yr old to parent at the same time). There is definitely something to be said for having BTDT in terms of parenting. So even if your 2nd did turn out to be high-needs (knock on wood that this doesn't happen!) I don't think it would be as difficult a situation as it was last time as you'd be better prepared to handle it!

[mizznicole]

Do you ever feel envious of those parents with easy-going children? I feel like they have no idea what parenting is really like... That's just the jealousy talking.

[smeisnotapirate]

My first was omg. I must have had a crying mental breakdown every two days for the first year of his life (and I still have them once a week now that we're mostly through his second ).

We just had DD (12 days ago, so take this with a grain of salt) and she is SO amazingly different. She sleeps. She is a good nurser. She fusses instead of screaming. When she gets her need met, SHE STOPS CRYING. It's incredible. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but so far, DS is stil high-needs DS and DD is just cool as a cucumber.

[mizznicole]

Thank goodness! You know what I'm talking about.

[honey-lilac]

DS was very, very, ridiculously high needs. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant with #2. (Granted, I got pregnant when DS was about a month old, so it wasn't like I got a break!!) DD was really sweet and mellow as a baby. As toddlers DS is actually a little easier and DD is a little diva. I have no idea what to expect for #3.

[JessieBird]

Originally Posted by mizznicole

Do you ever feel envious of those parents with easy-going children? I feel like they have no idea what parenting is really like... That's just the jealousy talking.

I'm one of those with a very easy, happy baby and it is true that I don't have any idea what parenting through challenges is like compared to you. We went through a month of molar hell in March and I kept saying to DH, "I'm not prepared for this, I haven't had any training, where's the manual?!!!!!!!!" I know how lucky I am and I am very, very grateful. Now I'm preg with #2 and I have no doubt that there's pay back on the way! I'm terrified!

The good news is that our next ones will be the perfect additions to our families, no matter how spirited or laid-back they turn out to be. At least that's what everyone says, right?

[LadyCatherine185]

I am in the same boat as you. DS was incredibly highneeds/refluxy/had allergies/never slept/fussy all the time, etc etc. and I'm 14 weeks pg with number 2.

I do have several friends who had very easy first babies (around the same age as DS), and have just recently had their second babies (ranging in ages from 1-6 weeks old). 2 of them have colicy/high needs second babies. They have no idea what to do, on top of taking care of active toddlers. I am secretly smiling about it, because you know misery does love company, and can't help but thinking "NOW THEY KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH!!" It also makes me glad that my HN baby was my FIRST. Even if this next baby is as HN as DS was (who by the way is a much happier toddler) I know what to do to get through it and I won't be in shock like the other mamas I know. And I also know that they are babies for SUCH a short time and I will know that there IS an end in sight, whereas with DS I felt like the misery would never end. Now that I've been through it and come out the other side, I feel like I can do it again if I need to.

[MamaChicken]

Absolutely! Took us 8 years to have #2 because DS1 was so challenging.

I know that I have changed as well, but having DD and twin boys 18 months apart has been a breeze in comparison.

[lotus.blossom]

I have very easygoing #2. I had some very very dark times with #1. He will be 4 soon and is tons better but still there are some days where my DH and I look at each other and silently aknowledge that #2 is a DREAM. Its very hard not to compare but if we'd had ds2 first we probably would have a few more by now!!!

I wish you lots of luck that you'll have that easy baby!!

[tylerdylan]

DS1 was nearly impossible to deal with from day 1. DS2 was a dream. Total opposites (they still are). From birth DS2 was independent and happy to be swaddled tightly and left on his own (while I dealt with DS1 who was 2.5 when DS2 was born). DS2 was happy not being held, DS1 could never be put down. Good luck

[nolonger]

My older sister was very easygoing, which did not make for a pleasant childhood for me. My mother's phrase of choice when she was overwhelmed was, "WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!?!?!" and I was repeatedly reminded that they decided not to have any other children because they were afraid that they might turn out like me.

It was somewhat healing when I was a parent and my family was friends with another family with similar dynamics: very easygoing firstborn and NORMAL (not high needs) secondborn. The mother just didn't understand what kids were like. There was nothing wrong with her younger daughter at all.

I'm glad I had my most difficult children first. I wouldn't have believed any kid could be as easy to raise as ds2 if I hadn't experienced it myself. If you get one like him, you will be in a position to truly enjoy him/her.

[Peony]

I truly don't know who cried more DD1's first year of life, her or me. It was horrid. She is 7 now and is never ever going to be an easy child, but that first year.... I thought I would handle anything that came my way after having a never sleeping, child who nursed every 30-45 minutes until she was 2, who only stopped screaming if there was a breast in her mouth etc... Apparently not, because DD2's babyhood was worse. : For different reasons, she was never going to be a very easy baby but she also wasn't like DD1, she got seriously ill as newborn. It was months of in and out of hospitals, doctor's offices, she spent 6 months on O2, I rarely took her out when we were home because other illnesses could of killed her. It took a larger toll on me then DD1 had. Now with my 3rd child, I finally got a "real normal" baby and got to experience what most people go through, it was absolute heaven!

[buckeye_bebe]

I was afraid to jinx myself too! I don't mean to sound like a braggart, but I had a spectacular hospital birth the first time around. Fast labor, no drugs, gave birth less than an hour after I arrived, and out less than 24h later. Some sleep and breastfeeding issues, but nothing that was too major. Shared nighttime duties except breastfeeding. Easy, right? My second was unplanned, so I was *terrified*. Didn't even want to be a mom. And as wonderful as my first labor and birth was...

The second was spectacular, just in a different way. A longer labor, but pleasant, stayed home as long a possible. Didn't even make it to the labor suite this time. Best of all? With co-sleeping, we sleep through the night! I just wake up when he roots around, pop it in, and back to sleep for both of us until it is time to pump. You'll be fine, and whatever happens, all babies are unique

You can have an easy time, part of it is up to you. Good luck!

[mizznicole]

My son wakes up screaming almost every morning of the week. Some days it goes into a full blown, 30 minute tantrum. He tantrums in the middle of the night. He tantrums when he wakes up from naps. I try to help his sleeping, but even with a good night's sleep and nap he's still fragile and explosive. This stuff is just hard. I can't make it easy.

But to give a more balanced view, DS is often the most charismatic and charming personality in the room. I'm often in awe of his smarts, his memory, and his sense of humor. I know that he's a very special person - it's getting all that passion into the right channels that's problematic at this point. I think his spiritedness could be a great asset to him in life.

[SallyN]

DD1 was seriously high-needs. DH and I had wanted two kids, but by the time I was wanting to go for #2, he wasn't too keen on it. I did informal anecdotal research and a very significant percentage of families with high-needs first born children go on to have mellow seconds. Not to say getting two high-needs doesn't happen... it does.

DD2 is the complete opposite of DD1. Totally mellow and laid-back.

[Megan73]

Originally Posted by SallyN

DD1 was seriously high-needs. DH and I had wanted two kids, but by the time I was wanting to go for #2, he wasn't too keen on it. I did informal anecdotal research and a very significant percentage of families with high-needs first born children go on to have mellow seconds. Not to say getting two high-needs doesn't happen... it does.
DD2 is the complete opposite of DD1. Totally mellow and laid-back.

I see this SO much among people I know.
DS was a really tough baby - a too-sleepy-to-nurse newborn who suddenly woke up and screamed for the next six months and would only sleep on someone or moving.
But then he turned into a delightful older baby and is a very active but relatively easy to get along with toddler.
I wonder if a second living child (if we're lucky enough to have one) will be a mellow newborn and then a TERROR.

[spmamma]

DD was very high needs... and so far DS has been much easier!

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by mizznicole

My son wakes up screaming almost every morning of the week. Some days it goes into a full blown, 30 minute tantrum. He tantrums in the middle of the night. He tantrums when he wakes up from naps. I try to help his sleeping, but even with a good night's sleep and nap he's still fragile and explosive. This stuff is just hard. I can't make it easy.

I think we have the same DS.

[lizziebits]

nak

Yup...high needs, cried for the first year DS.

DD is only 4 weeks, but so different. Mellow and easy to please!