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General frustration - coping?

post #1 of 12
Thread Starter 
I've been lurking here for a while now, hesitant to post because I fear this TTC thing will take over my life even more than it already has if I make a habit of posting.

But damn it, I'm FRUSTRATED.

We've tried 5 times, all IUIs, with a KD. I'm 31. No diagnosed endo or PCOS or ANYTHING. Great FSH level, low but normal estraidol level. And just today, on the cycle we finally decided to try a trigger shot, I went in for my U/S and she thought she saw a polyp in my uterus. She suggested we sit out for this cycle (grumble) and get it checked out by a specialist. It might be nothing... but I just found out to get it checked out I have to wait until day 7-11 of my next cycle, which starts in 2 weeks... which means if it IS nothing, we will have missed the opportunity for the injectible drugs she's suggesting we move on to.

We had our initial consult 2.5 years ago with this clinic. Our KD is in Europe, and we have 2 tries left with his goods. My partner and I have wanted kids FOREVER, and we know about seven million pregnant women right now. We are both okay moving on from the KD to anonymous donor, but we are just so fed up with waiting. And I have a long cycle, so every month we're not pregnant, it's 3 weeks until we get to try again.

I know our baby will come to us - through my womb or through adoption - but I'm just really frustrated and generally tense about the whole thing. During the 2ww, about 5 days before my period is expected, I start to FREAK OUT. I'm getting annoyed with myself!

It's both a blessing and a curse that we're sitting out this month. But I just wanted to get some general coping advice from everyone. What do you to get through it? How do you maintain sanity and a reasonable level of stress?

post #2 of 12
For me? A delicate combiation of beer,gratitude, months off here-and-there, Karen Carpenter, face-firsting into other activities, and lying on the floor in the jesus pose sobbing.

We just passed the 12 month mark. It was touch-and-go there for a while; I thought I was going to lose it from 8DPO till my period (at 12DPO generally) bad for the last few cycles. Then things shifted (for us, that was realizing that we dont want sperm bank sperm, and then lining up our dream KD) and it reminds me of exactly what you said - we WILL get the baby we are supposed to have. Like now, I'm SO GLAD that we didn't get pregs in the last year with sperm bank sperm, cos it turns out this route just feels so much more RIGHT for us. Ask me how I feel if I'm still here in 6 months though.

Be gentle with yourself. Let it get really awful, feel it, and move on.

post #3 of 12
Oh, and with no problems, I think 6 months is the average amount of time it takes, so odds are that you will be joining the Queer and Preg thread, oh, next month
post #4 of 12
Thread Starter 
Yes, beer and gin have both played big roles in our coping. And tears. Turns out, it's good to have a day of bursting into tears at random moments, even for the most jaded mama wannabe (me).

milletpuff, are you using fresh sperm from your KD?

I am hoping to get in this week to see a specialist to see if there is indeed a lil' polyp hanging out in there. *exasperated sigh

Hopefully we both have good luck very, very soon!
post #5 of 12
Did you have your KD's sperm analyzed post-freezing (and, obviously, thawing)? I know that only about 3% of applicants are accepted at Sperm Banks due to the fact that for the majority of men, freezing their sperm really impacts it negatively. Among queer and SMBC parents I know, choosing a donor with excellent post-thaw numbers seems to be the best way to ensure a (relatively quick) conception. I can see how this would be trickier with a KD; usually using a KD means enhanced success rate due to access to fresh sperm, but if you're using frozen sperm from a KD, the numbers would be really important.

Hang in there! I hope for not too much longer!

post #6 of 12
Yeah we are using fresh sperm. I don't know I how I missed in your first post that your KD is in Europe, cos ours is too! So as you know that makes the logistics of fresh kinda hard.

We used frozen from a bank for the last year, and this last cycle was the first that we tried with him. A round trip plane ticket is still a little less than 2 vials of sperm from a bank, but I know all that travel is not very sustainable.

His numbers are on the low side, so I doubt that freezing would be a good option, plus there's the PITA 6 month quarentine that we'd have to deal with, but we may have to talk about other options soon.

As for the crying - I think it's a part of the process, and if you shut down so much that you aren't feeling anything, well, I don't think that helps anything. I hope your appointment goes really well!
post #7 of 12
i really think (and this is dp and i's opinion) that there is a fine line in our community between actually getting pregnant versus wanting the process to be perfect, romantic and with as little medical intervention as possible.

dp and i are proponents of actually getting pregnant.

we didn't start out that way though. in the beginning we were green and naive and asked a good friend of mine - we had been bandmates - to be our known donor. when we asked him, he and his wife (former lesbian) had been married only for a little while and were not ttc themselves. he took some time to consider it and finally came back and said yes. we were so excited!! he's musical, really laid-back and has a science phd. THEN we found out he and his wife had started ttc and had been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". so as kindly as we could we told him we had changed our minds. it was terrible. as a side note, that was back in 2006 and last month they finally adopted a little boy from africa. still no bio baby for them. anyways, after that we decided an anonymous donor was the way to go.

i went first. at 36 we decided, along with our clinic, that i should use low dose fertiliy drugs to help as we had given ourselves a hard limit of 6 months for me before moving on to dp. the reason we did that was because of so many blogs i had read of lesbian couples trying and trying with one partner and not knowing when to stop and figure out what to do next and rack up credit card debt along the way. we didn't want that to happen to us. as it turns out, i had slightly elevated prolactin so trying at home would have been pointless as my ovulation was always going to be poor. that was easily taken care of with a month of dostinex. i had one failed cycle, 2 months off to regulate my prolactin and then our bfp cycle.

dp went next. we assumed that she would get pregnant easily and wouldn't need fertility drugs because her family is super fertile. nope. she was first diagnosed with hashimoto's and put on synthroid. then we found out she had 2 mild blood clotting issues, one of which causes b-vitamin absorption problems. then our re (we moved to a specialist after 1 failed cycle with the clinic that got me pregnant) discovered dp had mild pcos and a uterine polyp that had to be removed. several thousand dollars later....dp was ready to try. we had our failed cycle in december and didn't get to try again until march. we had one more bfn before our bfp a year ago today. it took 100mg of clomid and a trigger shot for that cycle to work. dp had to use a stronger dose of fertility meds than i did. if we hadn't gone the medical route she most likely would not have gotten pregnant (her tsh was 128, normal is 0.5-3) and if she had, there would have been a very high risk for something to go wrong.

i understand why so many want to go the at home route and use a known donor and try to take some control over what as same-sex couples we really have no control over at all. but for us if we had gone that route i really believe we wouldn't have our 2 beautiful sons. i know doctor assisted and using sperm bank sperm isn't for everyone but at the very least get all the testing done. as lex said, if your kd has a low count your chances are less. fwiw, the issues dp and i had we would NEVER have known about w/o the testing.

i wish you the best of luck and i hope you get your bfp soon!

post #8 of 12
WINE! That's the only way we've been able to get through this.

We started trying last February 2009. I was diagnosed with PCOS from one doctor, and we tried with no meds until June 2009. We took the stress off of us through the summer months, and started trying again with a new doc in Aug 2009. It was at that time I was no longer 'diagnosed' with PCOS, but needed a few vaccinations since I've never had chicken pox. So....we had to then wait 10 weeks to make sure the vacc's were in my system and working.

Just as we were about to start our new cycle in November 2009, my DP took a job promotion and we moved to Memphis. In early January we launched our search for a doctor in our new city. It took us almost 10 weeks to find a doctor who would accept us! Like almost all fertility clinics, we weren't accepted because of same-sex couple. We did find two other doctos who were possibilities, but then later decided they wouldn't treat us as a same-sex.

Luckily just a few weeks ago, we found our doctor! We also decided to switch from the NY Cryos International sperm back to Midwest. I went in for my initial consult, and LOVED our new doc. We put a plan in place for me to take clomid and begin our path. My doc wanted to do an ultrasound just to take a look. Upon doing so, she found an 'unknown' attached to my falopian tube. Soooo......now, I am having a laparoscopy on the 19th to check things out. My doc will also do a HSG at the same time to make sure everything is cleared. It looks like our first time trying with the new doc, new tubes, and new sperm bank will be in July. We're hoping for two months of good cycles before attempting.

Like I said....thank goodness for WINE!
post #9 of 12
Thread Starter 
Thank you SO MUCH everyone for posting.

milletpuff: Your KD is in Europe AND you're going for freshies? Wow. We got our guy to give us a pretty good round a year ago. He gave us 7 tries worth. We don't know when he'll be back in the states... probably not until next year.

lex & indigoscott: We did have our KD's numbers tested... the clinic was very impressed with his numbers. They took a sample and tested it, then froze it, thawed it, and tested it again. The sperm reacted very well to the freezing/thawing. Each try has been about 10-11 million sperm (1/2 of which die right away, most likely). They assure us that's a good amount.

indigoscott: Yes, our goal is to GET PREGNANT. Our KD is the wife's brother, so he is our first choice. BUT we want kids!! so if we don't manage to get knocked up by his goods, we will move on to an anonymous donor. We have accepted that. We have never tried "at home," nor do we ever plan to. In CA, the law protects you so much more swiftly and easily if you do it under the supervision of a clinic. The wife is open to getting pregnant, but she's eggless (premature ovarian failure), which is why we really wanted her brother to be the KD.

At this point, it's the waiting that is killing us. I know I'm preaching to the choir here. 2ezforyou - your experience sounds so much like ours. It's like, if it's not one thing, it's something else that causes all the waiting. What the hell?! Can we just make this baby already?

I have a consult with a doc this week to talk about the injectible fertility meds. (our clinic thinks clomid won't do well for me because my estrogen is on the low side.) The problem is, if there's a polyp, it'll need removed... and I'm mid cycle right now, so I don't even know if he'll scan me or not... and if he doesn't, that means he'll want to do it on day 7-11 of next cycle, which means we'll miss ANOTHER CYCLE of possible fertility meds, and possibly another insem cycle. I already had the HSG, and they say your chances are increased in months 3-7 after HSG. This is month 2, and we're not even inseminating. And trust me, the HSG was terrible and I hate the thought of it being for naught.

Thanks for letting me complain, and for complaining right along with me! I'm so blessed in my life, it's hard to complain about this stuff, but in the same breath, it is really difficult to deal with.

I counted over the weekend - I'm pretty sure I know 12 pregnant women. I'm so happy for each of them, but dang...
post #10 of 12
The waiting and the ups and downs are incredibly difficult.

We have had 3 pregnancies and 2 live births, and have had a range of ttc experiences as part of that. The 18 month stretch where we were trying for live baby #2 was really challenging. I got through it by (1) trying to think of ttc as just something we did every month--the whole "plugging away" approach (2) focusing on health-related things I had control over--cutting out sugar, exercising, eating healthily (3) working to develop other interests--diving into work, finding great escapist books and films (4) focusing on cherishing our present family, and living in the present as much as possible, finding joy and beauty in small moments so that they weren't totally eclipsed by the obsessiveness of ttc and (5) reminding ourselves to be gentle with ourselves and each other during the stress of the time.

We also had a long distance known donor, so lots of logisitics to work around.

Good luck to you!!
post #11 of 12
I'm with Simcon on the whole "plugging away" aspect. We had a whole mindset about it being an oil change.. You have to do it every month, if you didn't get your oil changed you probably would have problems with your car... but in reality it feels like you just spend a bit of money every time you go in and you can't really see a difference... but you know you have to keep on repeating the process because if you didn't.... Well, we all know that we want to keep repeating this process because we're never going to have an "oops" baby, or a "go on vacation and relax" baby... or an "at least the trying is fun" baby...
All that being said... we really did try the "go on vacation and relax" thing as our best coping mechanism. We did many little weekend trips, several large vacations, some work trips... basically anything we could to change our focus and get us some time just us, with no pressure to be ttc at that exact moment.

It's a long road, no matter how long or short it really may be, you know?
post #12 of 12
Thread Starter 
Thanks again everyone! Meet with the fertility specialist today and he feels very confident. We start our first round of injectibles next month, so I'm crossing just about every finger and toe possible.

Amazed at how many people have very long distance KDs like us. I can't believe I haven't come here for support sooner. You kids rock my socks off!

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