Are there any gentle discipliners who use "spanking" as one of their tools?

[FlippyHippy]

Our dd is 15 months old, and we've really started dealing with direct defiance in the past month or so. In the past it seemed all we need to direct her about was what was ok to touch or not ok to touch (ie, the TV, scissors, mommy's cell phone, cords). We would normally clap our hands together to get her attention, and then say "don't touch that". She's always been very good about stepping away from whatever it was without fussing.

About a month ago she started "growing up", and part of that I know is what we're dealing with now. If told not to touch something that she's known for a long time not to touch, she'll look at us and touch it anyway. If asked not to throw her cup on the floor every time she puts it down, she will do it anyway. A couple days ago she started saying "Don't" to me and hitting me when she was not perfectly happy with me.

I was raised with spanking as a way my parents disciplined, but I haven't felt that it was an appropriate response up until now. When she doesn't know something isn't safe or ok to do, I don't want to use physical punishment. I think explanation and distraction are much better, because she's not doing it to go against what we've said.

But now it seems like we're at a point in communication where she doesn't understand cause-and-effect yet by just verbally explaining it ("when you hit mommy she is sad. Please don't hit mommy") and yet I'm not wanting to let certain behaviors continue and become habitual. Neither my dh or myself want to spank her with an object or even full hand anywhere on her body, but we've been flicking her leg or hand with our fingers recently when she's purposefully disobedient to something we know she understands.

Any comments on that? We're still working through our feelings and thoughts on discipline, since we were both raised with spanking being the primary, but aren't sure we agree with that. I think we both feel currently that it should not be the only, or primary, form of discipline but that it has a place as a tool.

I think another thing that isn't helping is that we have a friend who is very against spanking, but who we see the methods she uses NOT working with her 2 1/2 year old at all. Her ds has physically hurt my dd many times, and is only talked to about how that is not ok and it hurts her. He continues doing it whenever we visit, so much so that my daughter is afraid of him. It's hard for my dh to want to fully advocate that type of parenting when he sees the negative (and honestly hard for me too).

I just want to see some discussion, why you have chosen what you're doing, if you are ok with spanking (or spatting...) as a tool how you use it ... etc

Thanks!

[woodchick]

I don't think you'll find anyone here who will advocate physical punishment.

At 15mos your LO is still just a baby. She is testing boundries and trying to see what you'll do about it. Instead of flicking her leg, why not take that second to redirect her to another activity. Or make things safe for her. We use far more 'yes' language at our house than 'no'.

For example, if our DD2 (14mos) is messing with the remote, I quickly take out one battery. Then she can't do much harm.

Or "It's not nice to hit Mommy- You can use your hands to hit this drum."

This age is all about redirection. Constant redirection.

[transylvania_mom]

Hitting another person is not gentle, no matter how you look at it.
15 months is a VERY difficult age and nothing seems to "work". As you said, your friend's talking to her son doesn't work, your hitting your dd doesn't work.

The way I see it, you have two choices: you can either spank your dd until she outgrows this stage or you can rely on prevention, distraction and redirection until she outgrows the stage.

And you can't teach her not to hit by hitting her.

I hope this can help:
http://www.naturalchild.org/jan_hunt/tenreasons.html

Take care

[earthmama369]

I found redirection to work well at that age. Fifteen months is just a baby. She's starting to figure out that she's a separate person from you and she's getting even more curious about her world now that she can move around on her own more. Pain from a parent doesn't need to be any part of that equation -- everything she's doing is developmentally appropriate, and redirection is a developmentally appropriate way for you, as her parents, to let her know what's ok and what isn't.

At this stage I found myself using physical redirection just as much as I did when my littles were crawlers. If a kiddo was about to play with a power cord but wasn't in immediate danger, I would pair the words "You may not touch this. Ouch! You MAY touch this." with me showing them something new, leading them by the hand somewhere else, or picking them up and moving them if necessary. At this stage, it wasn't enough to show them something inches away from what they're already focused on. It often took a greater move -- they have greater range now and more ability to focus on what they want, so it often takes a greater distraction to effectively redirect their attention. If a fit was pitched because a kiddo reeeeeeeally wanted to be throwing that food on the floor or playing with that power outlet, I'd reiterate the rule simply ("Food goes in the mouth, not on the floor.") and we'd change scenery entirely -- go outside, go in a different room, find something radically different to do.

It takes repetition. That doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. Do you know anyone who's ever only flicked their child once? Spanked their child just once? Of course not. Be prepared to use redirection repeatedly over the next year or so -- this is very much an age of exploration and with that comes the age of learning safe boundaries and safe people to go to for help in learning those safe boundaries. You really want to be that safe person in your child's life.

[mrsfrenchy]

Think about the flawed logic behind flicking her. She's hitting you when she's not happy with you--you don't want her to do this. You feel its an inappropriate response on her part and want her to learn diffferent ways to express her feelings, right? But then when you're displeased with her, you hit or flick her. So there seems to be a double standard. She's not going to learn that hitting is inappropriate if you also hit (flick, whatever, its all physical). She may temporarily stop because she doesn't want to get flicked, but she won't learn what you're trying to teach her.

Distraction is a big one. Distract her from the object. If she touches it and won't leave it alone, physcially remove her from it. Honor the impulse. This especially applies to hitting. "stop. hitting hurts mommy. give me a high five instead. hit the pillow instead." (demonstrate with sound effects, to make it fun). Don't give her attention for inappropriate behavior. When DD1 was that age and she hit me, I would put her down, saying 'hitting hurts. you need to be gentle" . She normally wanted me to pick her up more than she wanted to continue hitting. When she asked to get up again, I would ask her to show me 'gentle' and then pick her up.

Phrase things in 'yes' and not 'no' Like above, instead of (or accompanying) "don't hit", say "be gentle, give hugs/pats/whatever" Or "the vase is not for touching, its just for looking" They need to be shown an alternative behavior at this age. "blocks are not for throwing. but we can get your balls and throw those!" or "blocks are not for throwing, but we can build a big, tall tower!" Hearing 'no' over and over gets old (no matter what age you are) gets old. Try to say 'yes [to a more appropriate action] before (and more often than) you say no'

[mrsfrenchy]

Originally Posted by FlippyHippy

I think another thing that isn't helping is that we have a friend who is very against spanking, but who we see the methods she uses NOT working with her 2 1/2 year old at all. Her ds has physically hurt my dd many times, and is only talked to about how that is not ok and it hurts her. He continues doing it whenever we visit, so much so that my daughter is afraid of him. It's hard for my dh to want to fully advocate that type of parenting when he sees the negative (and honestly hard for me too).

I wanted to comment on this also. If it were my two year old, I would use the approach she's using, but I would also do a few other things. We would talk a lot about appropriate playdate behavior at home and on the way there. He would know that if he hurts his friends, we'll have to leave. And then I would stick to that. At the first 'hurtful' action towards the other child, we'd probably step into another room, remind him that its not ok and ask if we need to go home. If he seemed to straighten up a bit, we might stay a bit longer, (but with me keeping a very close eye on them). At the next offense, we'd leave. If he were being rough and defiant during this conversation about not hitting, though, we'd leave right away.

granted, that might take a couple of months of leaving playdates early, but he would get it eventually and other kids wouldn't get hurt in the process.

All this to say that you can do more (and ensure that your kid isn't constantly hurting other kids) without hitting/flicking/swatting/etc.

[Delicateflower]

she doesn't understand cause-and-effect yet by just verbally explaining it ("when you hit mommy she is sad. Please don't hit mommy") and yet I'm not wanting to let certain behaviors continue and become habitual. Neither my dh or myself want to spank her with an object or even full hand anywhere on her body, but we've been flicking her leg or hand with our fingers recently when she's purposefully disobedient to something we know she understands.

Work through this with me. You want to communicate non-verbally that you don't hit people, so when she hits you, you hit her. What message do you think she gets from this?

This is going to be really long, apologies!

If you're like me you want to raise polite, kind children who are self-disciplined. To that end, teaching them how to behave is much more involved than simply hitting them when they do something you don't like. (or even replacing hitting with a time out).

Discipline is a multi-step, multi-faceted thing. First you need to know what's developmentally appropriate for the child. I would recommend you read this book http://www.amazon.com/Your-One-Year-.../dp/0440506727 . I saw a lady at playgroup once desperately trying to stop her nine month old putting things in her mouth, because it isn't polite. Obviously she's chosen an impossible battle and is just creating conflict and unhappiness for no reason or benefit.

Once you know what's developmentally appropriate and what you can reasonably expect to change, you can decide how to handle it.

The most important tool in your toolbox is controlling the environment. If there's constant conflict because she's trying to touch your favorite blue vase, put the vase away for a while. If she's climbing the couch and could hurt herself falling off the back, move the couch against the wall. I promise you, it's not forever. My house has had some weird configurations when my kids went through their climbing stages, but in between it's gone back to a more normal state. And both my kids can now be trusted with breakable things. We even use ceramic plates and bowls for the two year old.

Pick your battles, say YES more. You do want to minimise conflict, not only for your sanity, but also because "if mom's always cross, why should I bother trying to be good? She'd find something to get angry about anyway". Creating a calm happy environment really helps you create a calm, happy environment. Does it really matter if she dumps out her whole toy box and sits in the empty box?

Redirect her attention from undesirable behaviors. If she does something you don't want her to do, shift her, take the thing away or show her something new. If she's throwing food from the highchair, end the meal.

Honor the impulse. Think of a river in flood. Her impulses are sometimes unstoppable (because they're often developmentally appropriate), but can be redirected into something that lets them fulfill their want, and your as well. If she's hitting a stick on the wall, shift her and give her a pillow to hit. If she's running around screaming, take her outside where it won't kill your eardrums.

Your baby is still far to young for time outs, but as she approaches three and redirection stops working they might become useful. And trying to explain things to her is pretty pointless. Two or three words is all she's going to really hear at this age. Even a two or three year old should only get one or two short sentences.

If told not to touch something that she's known for a long time not to touch, she'll look at us and touch it anyway.

100% totally and utterly developmentally normal. She's fguring out what happens, which is why she's watching you. And what happens is you calmly say "no touching the vase", pick her up gently and move her away, and show her something else she can touch "look at fluffy bunny sit on the couch!".

If asked not to throw her cup on the floor every time she puts it down, she will do it anyway.

Also, totally and utterly developmentally normal. She's figuring out gravity. She's also playing a very fun game called dropsy-pickmeup where she throws it, you get it for her, she throws it again. If you don't want to play the game just don't pick it up after she's thrown it. She'll learn soon enough.

A couple days ago she started saying "Don't" to me and hitting me when she was not perfectly happy with me.

She's doing what you do, you've taught her how to hit and shown her it's OK to do. Now that you're stopping hitting, you can catch her hand before she hits you, say no hitting! and turn around and walk away from her. Your attention is a powerful, powerful tool for a fifteen month old. And once you've stopped reinforcing her hitting she should forget pretty soon.

Her ds has physically hurt my dd many times, and is only talked to about how that is not ok and it hurts her. He continues doing it whenever we visit, so much so that my daughter is afraid of him.

That sounds more like no discipline than gentle discipline. Usuaully it's because people make the mistake of trying to treat a two year old like an adult and reason with them using adult words and logic. Maybe you could share what you're discovering here with her?

In that situation the correct response would be to go straight there, squat down to his level and say in a very stern voice "no hitting! We don't hit! Look, Jennifer is crying because you hit her! You can't be near people if you're hitting" and then either remove him to another room, or if you're really wanting to stop the behavior, to go home. Of course, you need to make sure he doesn't start hitting when he wants to leave. In that situation I would remove him to play in another room, for at least a few minutes.

I hope you managed to read through that novel! And I hope it helps you. It IS more work and more thought, but it's also more successful at producing a child with internal discipline, which is what we want.

[BreatheMama]

Hi,
Just wanted to direct you to the "spanking" thread, the mamas gave some awesome input. I also wanted to add that, when my emotions flare and the baby is crying and 4 yr old dd is melting down, and 15 year old hound dog is whining, I feel like I could hit someone. But breathe in accept, breathe out smile...don’t hit. Let the feelings pass through you. Build your toolbox of language, redirection, and support to use with your little ones. Practice identifying with the struggles and needs of your kids. Nurture yourself. Read "Unconditional Parenting" Alfie Kohn. Kelley

[NiteNicole]

Fifteen months is just like that. You have this brief, glorious phase where you tell them no and they stop and you think HORRAH! She gets it. Then she gets a little older and her impulse control is about zero and you think OH NO! Where did it go wrong? You didn't. Fifteen months is just an impulsive age.

IMO (and what we did), try to remove the things that are problems over and over, redirect her before she gets there, and sometimes this means you have to actually get up and use more than your voice and move the child, move the object, find her something more interesting to play with. There may be some protesting, don't worry about it, just keep going. Use very few words because the more you use, the fewer she hears. "HURTS" and "HOT" and "BREAKS!" all work pretty well.

I don't think you can treat every situation with the same answer - pop a hand, take something away, time out. I think dealing with every situation as it comes up in an appropriate way makes more sense and works pretty darn well. Think about what you want in that situation - I want my child not to pull the lamp off the table - and work on making that happen. Move the lamp, move the table, or move the kid. Whatever.

They outgrow it. They eventually get less impulsive and more able to over-ride those impulses (of course, my dd is 4.5 and at another phase. THIS is the testing phase. I don't think 15 months is "testing you" I think it's just impulsive).

I have a lot of friends (and some family) who do a lot of hand popping and from what I can see, their kids are not any better behaved than mine. They still do the same things at the same phases and they ignore the hand pop just as much as mine would, at that age, ignore my babbling a bunch of words across the room. At fifteen months, your voice is just one tool and it's usually not enough.

[crunchy_mommy]

You are lucky that you had a brief phase of 'obedience' -- DS skipped over that & has been 'defying' us since 9mos old!!

First, your DD is still a baby. Even though she 'knows' she's not supposed to do something, she just doesn't have the impulse control to stop herself. Even adults have a hard time with this so you can imagine how hard it is for a baby!!

I don't think that 'flicking' or spanking is going to teach your child the message you want to teach her. If anything, it will show her the opposite -- that it's OK to hit if you have a reason. And I don't really see how a physical punishment could be considered gentle.

DH & I also both grew up being spanked and that is exactly why we are choosing NOT to use physical discipline. Sometimes it's hard to reel in your own impulse to react physically but just taking a moment, taking a deep breath, & telling yourself 'she's just a baby' can help with that.

As far as redirecting her, I would consider finding ways for her to express herself more appropriately. When DS tries to hit us, for example, we tell him "Gentle," and stroke his cheek. Often he will immediately stop & stroke our cheek, and then we gush about how nice it feels when he uses a gentle touch. If he does hit us, we tell him "That hurt mommy, can you give mommy a hug?" which follows with a hug... if he really hurt me (which has happened more than once!) then DH takes over & takes him out of the room because it's hard to be calm & rational when you're in pain! So remove yourself from the situation if you feel you may react in a way you don't want to.

Other things... if it's something immediately dangerous we pick him up & move him & then do our best to distract and calm him... if what he's doing is potentially dangerous but not immediate or significant -- hmmm like touching very hot food -- we might let him proceed, depending on the situation, so he can understand. He knows hot food doesn't feel good so when we say, "hot!" he backs off (or if it's food, he blows on it to cool it down!) If he's doing something I simply don't want him to do, I try to redirect that energy -- if he's chewing on something, I give him a snack or a teether; if he's playing with the radio or the remotes, I show him how to turn the dials & press the buttons; if he's pulling the cords and banging on the laptop, I pull him onto my lap & let him play a game on the computer. Doing this seems to really help MY sanity but also seems to have decreased how often he does the 'bad' behaviors. But he is only 15 months so I know we have a long way to go and I'm sure I'll need to be constantly modifying my responses as he grows!!

[One_Girl]

At that age I babyproofed, redirected, and moved to diffferent rooms a lot. Babies are way to young to really internalize rules and use self control that even adults have a hard time with when they see something really appealing in a store. Exploration is very important for brain development so babyproofing and making a yes environment is something that has more benefits than just making your life calmer.

Each stage brings new leaps in abilities, exploration, and independence. It takes a little while for moms and kids to adjust to this and figure out what their child is and isn't capable of so they can use prevention and appropriate boundaries. Try to get sleep when you can, eat when you can, and take care of your needs so you can be refreshed and calm as your child moves into toddlerhood. These things will help you to overrule your gut reaction that you have because of how you were raised so that you can raise your child in the gentle way you want to. It is a very tiring phase that tries a lot of mother's patience, but being gentle is really well worth it.

[heartmama]

I will say bluntly if you want an obedient toddler who follows commands and doesn't defy expectations, you will be disappointed in Gentle Discipline. Shutting down the normal curiosity and impulsivity of a toddler to the point they are supplicant requires the infliction of both fear and pain. The purpose of this forum is to support parents as they discipline without violence. That means you don't get to shut down your toddler's natural impulses. You guide, you teach, you discipline, but a key part of GD is you have to accept what it means to be a toddler, and accept that you will live with certain behaviors typical of each stage of development, without a magic bullet to 'shut down' your child. Sure, GD provides many wonderful tactics for helping your child process all they need to learn to become a well adjusted adult. But you must accept that this happens very gradually, not all at once.

To answer your question--Nobody who uses Gentle Discipline has spanking in their toolbox. The point of GD is to discipline without violence. If you read here you will see that GD parents sometimes have a bad day that results in a spanking, and we focus on what the parent can do differently in the future. We make mistakes, we move on. But spanking is definitely viewed as a mistake here, not a viable tool.

Gentle Discipline is harder, not easier, in the early years, because you have to change too. You have to reconsider your ideal image of an obedient toddler. You have to let that go, and accept that it will not always look so perfect at this age.

It was interesting for me to realize that American parents have the ideal of a well adjusted adult in mind when they parent a toddler. Toddlers are so different than well adjusted adults, it scares us to think "If my child behaves this way now, how will they get along in the world as an adult?". Americans tend to view kids as small adults. Childhood is not a distinct phase of life. It blurs together with babyhood and adulthood. We do not have ceremonies to mark the end of infancy, the end of early childhood, the end of later childhood. In other cultures, they do. And this helps parents to tolerate behaviors as part of *that* stage, without fearing any connection to adulthood.

The best American equivalent I can give you is to study the normal phases of child development. Science is actually a pretty good substitute for ceremony. Study brain development, and cognitive development. It can help you be rational in your expectations as a parent. It can give you the "out" you need to stop fearing that a disobedient toddler will grow into an unruly teenager. Behavioral science can help you understand why negative reinforcement is a bad idea--in general science is very much on the side of Gentle Discipline in recognizing that it is not healthy to discipline with pain or fear.

[kavamamakava]

I don't have the time for a very lengthy post so my first thought is this from your post:
"when you hit mommy she is sad. Please don't hit mommy"
What do you think spanking would teach your dd? or flicking? I think the message you want her to learn about hitting is that it makes people sad. Are you wanting to make your dd sad? To me, spanking and flicking are in the same realm of hitting.
You have some wonderful responses already and I'll read through them in a bit.

[blessedwithboys]

everyone has given you amazing advice! i think you might be benefitted by reevaluating your expectations of what is normal for a baby, which is what your LO still is.

i was raised by a parent who hit, smacked, punched, slapped, pinched, hair-pulled, and worst of all, verbally degraded. i had ds1 at 17yo, and while pg, never really gave any serious thought to whether or not i would spank. i guess if someone had asked me in the early days if i planned to spank, i would have said i hoped not to have to, but if i did it wouldnt be until about age 3 or 4 and then only "when necessary"

and then i gave birth to 9 lbs of raging hell swaddled in a receiving blanket. high needs doesnt begin to describe my dear child. he walked at 9 mos and by 12 mos my entire house was rearranged. every knick knack was boxed up (and wasnt put back out til age 4 or 5, he was that rough!), gates went up on the top and bottom of the stairs, i had to put an alarm on the sliding doors, and all the couches and chairs had to be pushed against the walls (he did manage at 2.5 to sprain his neck at a friends house where the couch was not against the wall). the cat had to be kept outside whenever ds was awake. the downstairs bathroom was turned in to a locked closet after i got tired of having to pull toys out of the bowl.

ds completely did not live up to my expectations of what having a baby would be like. i had visions of sitting in a comfy chair reading or crocheting while my baby sat at my feet cooing and shaking a rattle until the clock said it was time to eat and take a nap. as the first few months went by and ds turned one, and then two, there were times i literally cried in a heap on the floor. i was young and a single mother and it was hard.

but i never spanked (or flicked...why does that make me feel even sicker than spanking?) my baby. many years later, after ds was verbal and "old enough to know better" i failed a few times. but i never, ever, hit him as a baby, and i have never accepted spanking as appropriate "discipline", not for a kid of any age.

[mamazee]

As for your friend's dc, 2-1/2 is a very common age for toddlers to have an aggresive phase. Many toddlers go through this regardless of how they're parented. It's just a toddler thing, like tantrums and testing. It is probably not happening becasue of your friend's parenting style, and your dc might go through an aggressive phase later in toddlerhood too. What I did was to hover over my dd and make sure no one else got hurt, and remind her very consistently to be gentle. She outgrew it pretty quickly. Anyway, the first thing I'd say is to be more understanding of your friend.

Second, spanking, or anything physical like that, is contrary to gentle discipline, and in fact is what the "gentle" part is talking about - not using any kind of violence.

I would relax about your child's testing. That's what they do at that age, and it's about learning, not about being bad. Just be consistent and tell them what to do (ie be gentle) until your dc moves into the next toddler phase and challenge. Because it is one after another.

Finally, I personally think it's inherently unfair to punish a child for behaving in a way that is completely normal for their particular age group. I certainly teach my children how to behave otherwise, but I would never punish a toddler basically for being a toddler.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Two words:

BABY PROOF. Sanity saving devices are out there! Use them! If my apartment weren't completely, entirely baby proofed, I have NO IDEA what I would do!

And to answer your question, flicking is not GD.

[kiwiva]

I think there is a lot of good advice on this thread. Spanking = opposite of gentle, nope not anywhere near the toolkit. Hitting your kid to teach her not to hit makes zero sense. Hitting for any reason makes no sense but especially as a punishment for hitting.

One of the things that helped me a lot (and still does with 3.5 yo DD) is to remember that many of the most annoying things they do are just normal phases. No matter what you do, they will go away. This was hard for DH during the throwing food on the floor phase (around 16 mos). The solution wasn't to punish DD to make her stop, the solution was to give her less food at a time and put a cloth under her high chair. She got over it. This has been true with pretty much every normal toddler behavior. So as someone else suggested, get a book on normal behaviors for the age. Your 16 year old will not be throwing food, really, regardless of how you handle it now. She will also not be touching everything in sight or throwing things or eating stuff off the ground or whatever other normal normal phase you can name now but fear if you don't nip it in the bud, it will last forever. It won't.

You can set limits and boundaries without hitting and punishing. At that age and for a while yet your best discipline method is prevention and distraction. We are still talking about a baby! Yes you remind of rules. "We don't hit" and put her down. Most kids do get the idea pretty quickly; some are more tenacious. If you set the boundary and keep reinforcing it, it will sink in.

Please don't draw conclusions about gentle discipline from one child, whose mom it sounds like is not disciplining at all. If I had a kid doing that, she would be removed. If you hit or are not gentle you are removed and reminded that we don't do that. If it is repeated, the playdate is over. Consequences for actions don't have to be violent. And some kids are just rough and go through a bad hitting/biting/pushing stage. Sometimes the solution for those kids is to not have playdates until they can be gentle. But, gd is not no discipline-not at all!!

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by blessedwithboys

and then i gave birth to 9 lbs of raging hell swaddled in a receiving blanket. high needs doesnt begin to describe my dear child. he walked at 9 mos and by 12 mos my entire house was rearranged. every knick knack was boxed up (and wasnt put back out til age 4 or 5, he was that rough!), gates went up on the top and bottom of the stairs, i had to put an alarm on the sliding doors, and all the couches and chairs had to be pushed against the walls (he did manage at 2.5 to sprain his neck at a friends house where the couch was not against the wall). the cat had to be kept outside whenever ds was awake. the downstairs bathroom was turned in to a locked closet after i got tired of having to pull toys out of the bowl.

ds completely did not live up to my expectations of what having a baby would be like. i had visions of sitting in a comfy chair reading or crocheting while my baby sat at my feet cooing and shaking a rattle until the clock said it was time to eat and take a nap. as the first few months went by and ds turned one, and then two, there were times i literally cried in a heap on the floor. i was young and a single mother and it was hard.

Sorry, this is OT a bit, but I nearly cried when I read this. My DS sounds exactly the same as yours was, and you really put into words how I've been feeling.

[ssh]

Research has linked spanking and physical punishment with lowered IQ and aggressive behavior. Here are two links http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...983895,00.html , http://www.livescience.com/culture/0...-spanking.html . Research has also linked spanking and harsh parenting methods to antisocial behavior and substance abuse, but I don't have links to the articles on hand.

Babies and toddlers have no impulse control because of simple brain development. Their frontal lobes are still developing so the part of their brain that does impulse control and the rest of higher reasoning isn't working yet. That's why babies and toddler can't be manipulative, they don't have the reasoning skills to plan their own behavior that way.

[lyra1977]

We had similar issues with our DD when she was about 14-15 months but her favorite thing was pinching me. Nothing worked (GD-wise) to stop her until one day she was sitting in my lap facing me and pinched my forearm and I said "ouch!" playfully and then (gently) pinched her in the exact same place. Then she pinched my thigh and I pinched hers, and on and on, until we had pinched each other all over our bodies. I was gentle with her and didn't pinch hard enough to leave a mark. Anyhow, I must have caught her in a thoughtful, teachable moment because that was the end of it for us. A couple of days later I saw her pinch her own arm (she was in the next room) and say "ow" and she's never pinched me again. It really drove home for me that her behavior was about her learning about the world and my role was not her antagonist but her teacher.

I think that because we as parents are so emotionally wrapped up in our kids we forget that they think of us differently. We love them with the maturity of an adult mind and soul, while to them we are the moon, stars and sun. They love us the way we say "we love our planet" ...they don't really understand the concept of love yet or the idea that we don't pinch, hit or disrespect the people we love. Try not to take her behaviors personally and they won't make you as upset.