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Mamas with a temper?

post #1 of 52
Thread Starter 
I once upon a time belonged to his now too-old thread:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=647638

Wondering if there is another like it somewhere. I am constantly working on my temper, and could use a peer group!
post #2 of 52
Good idea! I have a crazy temper some days, honestly jusy getting out of the house is usually what works for me.
post #3 of 52
another hothead here.
post #4 of 52
I really dislike the person I am when I am angry. I can be downright terrifying. I am practicing meditation and doing my best to catch myself when I go off. I'd really like to be the me I am when I take time to respond to these forums. You know, the one who sees life as transient who can respond with wisdom and the ability to see beyond my immediate desires.

Yeah that's a journey for me to take. I've been thinking about picking up running for mind clarity too.
post #5 of 52
Yes I have a temper too. The crazy thing for me is it is only ever directed at my kids. Others can do or say what they want and I never take it personal or get to upset but for some reason my kids can get me all fired up. It really makes me feel terrible because of course I love my kids above everyone else but sometimes they get the worst treatment from me I have been learning about concious living and one thing that has helped me is learning the power of acceptance. To stop judging my kids behavior as good or bad in my mind but instead to just realize that is simply "is". When i pause to remind myself of this it often leads me to more creative solutions to the problem. Now i just need to remember to consistanly do it!
post #6 of 52
Me, here.

I finally bought Unconditional Parenting yesterday because I was so angry I needed something to focus my behavior. The problem for me is that I act exactly the way my mom did...which terrified me. I mean, I remember hiding in my room to get away from her tantrums. Ok, I'm not as bad as my mom but, I can see wear my anger is heading...it's definitely not helping my child in any way.
post #7 of 52
joining up. i've had a temper my whole adult life (something that was suppressed in my childhood finally coming out?). i'll admit i have turned to chill pills to help me, after trying EVERYTHING else. some call it a cop-out, and i have certainly struggled with the stigma (and therefore am very private about it IRL). but the effect is amazing. i actually feel "normal" (whatever that is), and i'm able to deal with the chaos of having lotsa kids in a much nicer way. it's mostly just brain chemistry for me, although my 8yo ds knows how to push every one of my buttons (and seems to enjoy doing so). that certainly doesn't help. pretty sure he's got outta-whack brain chemistry too.
post #8 of 52
lately i have been noticing a temper arising out of me that I didn't know existed. My 6 year old has suddenly started becoming rude to me all the time and treating me like dirt basically all the time. For the first time in her life I have resorted to yelling at her...which I know isn't working, in fact it seems to be making it worse. I just can't seem to control it because I am so hurt that so much of whatever is going on with her is being taken out on me.

I really have tried to remain rational and calm yet firm...but when I hear "NO" or "NOT DOING IT" a million times when something needs to be accomplished, I can't help but resort to yelling at her to enforce what I want to happen (especially when we are late for work or when it's bedtime and I'm exhausted and still have to clean the kitchen and make lunches). DP helps out a lot, staying really rational and calm, yet firm (exactly what I aim to do), but then I feel like he's fighting my battles for me and when he is out it's brutal.

It's terrible because her and I used to have such a wonderful time when it was just the two of us (I was a single mom until she was 3.5), but now I actually dread when it's just us...knowing that we are both going to explode.

Anyways...joining this thread seeking support for how to remain more calm and follow some gentle discipline guidelines like I used to be so good at.

sorry for the rant...
m
post #9 of 52
This is a very timely thread for me. I vividly remember all the anger, yelling, threats and general angst of my own childhood and I do not want to pass that legacy on. Unfortunately, that is the road I am going down lately. I do not want to parent like that and I am usually very good at finding peace and being more patient (although it always takes a lot of effort) but I am seriously sleep deprived this past few weeks so my sense of restraint and emotional clarity is depleted. My own sleep deprivation and resulting crankiness has caused a huge snowball effect throughout our house. I need to stop yelling, I need to set the tone and model appropriate ways to channel big emotions. But, most of all, I need some sleep.

One thing that another AP mom mentioned to me is a "do over". When you feel like you're going down a bad path, acknowledge your emotions and ask for a do over. I tried it once and it did work but it is so difficult (lately impossible) to take a step back when I'm about to burst. So we argue, she hits her baby brother or me, we yell louder and/or I'll grab her to move her to a safe spot, we cry, we apologize and give hugs and kisses... with endless repeats. In the meantime, I am working to come up with lots of ideas to add to my "anger management" toolbox and I am finding the time to meditate more so I can clear my mind of my emotional baggage. I am so disappointed in myself but I know that disappointment is counterproductive. I am also reading Buddhism for Mothers which has been a remarkable read but, for those of us with real anger issues, it takes a lot more than reading a few inspirational books to change our ways. I feel like I need to rewire my brain because my own models of emotional expression (i.e. my parents and their anger) set a horrible tone for my life. The funny thing is that my husband's parents were the opposite, they didn't show any negative emotions at all, so my husband is emotionally very neutral as a result and has no idea how to handle my outbursts other than to walk away and tell me I'm crazy which (while very true) just makes things worse.

Kristy
post #10 of 52
I have issues with my temper too, and my fiancee does as well. We just try to be understanding with each other and give each other "breaks" when we notice the other person getting upset with the kids. It's so strange, some days I feel like SuperMom and I can handle anything in the world, and other days the littlest thing like spilled juice will just make me so angry and frustrated. I have a LOT of empathy for single moms/dads with temper issues...
post #11 of 52


Count me in. I have gotten better, but sometimes, when my patience has been spread thinner then a dryer sheet and both kids AND husband are hanging on my last nerve like a bunch of capuccho monkies, I snap.

Not proud of it, and like i said, I have gotten strides better in the last few months. But, I have further to go in my mind.

There is a Parenting and Rage thread over in Personal Growth.
post #12 of 52
Ever since the new baby came, I've had huge anger issue. Yelling, threatening, etc... happen all the time now. I'd love some peer support for this!
post #13 of 52
post #14 of 52
subbing

I have three kids and my oldest is 3.5. I feel overwhelmed many days. Now ds1 has started shoving kids at the playground. I betting this is partly due to his age, but I bet part of it also is learned behavior.
post #15 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by HeliMom View Post
I really dislike the person I am when I am angry. I can be downright terrifying.
This.
I'm having less and less trouble all the time, for various reasons...but on those rare occasions when I still blow up, I feel like a monster.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hjdmom24 View Post
Yes I have a temper too. The crazy thing for me is it is only ever directed at my kids. Others can do or say what they want and I never take it personal or get to upset but for some reason my kids can get me all fired up.
I'll have little flares with other people sometimes, but yeah...mostly the kids. I think there are a lot of reasons for that, though.
post #16 of 52
I'm right there with everyone, too. This is the biggest thing I struggle with as a mama is my patience. Some days I have it and then before I know it, it's gone again. My DH is the complete opposite so that helps in a situation where I don't do anything BUT yell.

I don't remember ever growing up with a yelling mother and father - well, not at me, but maybe to each other. And I've really made a point to watch how I respond now that we have another little guy in the house. I have yelled before in front of him (directed at ODS) and it made him cry. That about killed me and made me really think about how I react to the stuff that DS#1 does. He LOVES to push my buttons, but doesn't do it to DH - just me. He takes 5 years to do something that should only take 5 minutes and that drives me crazy, too.

I just need to step back and realize that they are little and they do take a bit longer than we do......
post #17 of 52
i just want to say how refreshing it is to know that there are so many other well-meaning temperamental mamas out there. i belong to a local AP group that seems to mainly consist of mostly-even-keeled mamas who are very experienced in GD, and it makes me feel like i can't express my true issues with my temper. i know, after tons of research and soul-searching, that my childhood damaged me greatly, and it's going to take years to heal from it -- even more difficult as i try my damnedest to "break the cycle". it's so hard.

one thing that helps me when i'm getting mad at my kids is to remember that they are JUST CHILDREN -- to reevaluate my expectations of them and question whether they are developmentally appropriate. this is easier for me than it may be for other mamas since i've got a LOT of practice with all these little'uns, but it's nice to be able to (mostly) laugh my way through the "terrible twos" because i understand sooo much more about the development of a 2yo and completely expect everything he doles out. my FIL once told me a little story about him getting mad at DH when he was little (~7yo), and DH looked at him with sad eyes and said, "but Daddy, i'm just a little boy". that stopped my FIL dead in his tracks and he realized that DH was right; he was just being a kid, and no one can fault him for that.

my point is, knowing the developmental stages really well makes it so much easier to be compassionate when they are acting out. i'm far from perfect; this is just one thing i have learned over the years that has made things a little easier in some aspects. don't worry, i still totally belong in this "tribe".
post #18 of 52
I need this group, too. I have been disgusted with myself lately--I can get so angry and don't like it all. It seems like all of myparent-friends are super mellow and can't get upset....I am not like that. I have been yelling and threatening; I get so angry and I am not sure how to head it off. I am trying. I don't want to make my children grow up with an angry mom.

There has been a lot of stress in my life lately and I hope that is part of this. I have never been like this in my life. Yuck. Glad I am not alone.
post #19 of 52
Quote:
Originally Posted by Barbie64g View Post


Count me in. I have gotten better, but sometimes, when my patience has been spread thinner then a dryer sheet and both kids AND husband are hanging on my last nerve like a bunch of capuccho monkies, I snap.

Not proud of it, and like i said, I have gotten strides better in the last few months. But, I have further to go in my mind.

.
I know what you mean, with three under 5 sometimes things can just seem so overwhelming!!

Lately keeping my temper under control has been a constant struggle. I feel so awful when I let my temper get the best of me.
post #20 of 52
I just dropped the F bomb in front of my friends children today yelling at my dog. I am normally ultra calm, but my &%*& barking dog unhinges me. Just typing this is raising my blood pressure!!!! Ugghhhhh.
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