Mamas with a temper? - Page 2

[CoBabyMaker]

{{{shuffles in after screaming at DD at bedtime}}} Some days I can keep it together and stay calm. DD is so intense and I WANT to help her learn to deal with her emotions. I just totally lose is sometimes when she is screaming at me. Good adult behavior, huh? Scream at the toddle because she is screaming at you... ugh. Sometimes it's really hard to parent differently than how you were raised when that's all you've seen and heard.

[AutumnAir]

Yes, I could really use this thread too!

I had a serious temper when I was little, as did my dad. But I got scared of my temper and got shut down (I think because no one thinks to teach little girls how to deal with anger) so I bottled it all up for years. Now it's coming back out - almost entirely directed at my poor DD...

I love her more than anything else in the world, but she also seems to be the only person who can really trigger my temper/rage. And I hate the person I become when I lose it with her. The worst is that I can see myself getting angry, but I just can't for the life of me stop myself.

I think one of the things that makes it so difficult for me is that I really don't get any breaks from my HN toddler. We have no friends or family living nearby, and no one I can leave her with. DH has almost no patience at all, and will yell at her for the smallest things even just 5 minutes after he starts interacting with her. For me, I can put up with a fair bit and keep my patience - it's just the constant drain finally gets to me, which is when I'd like DH to take over for a bit, but since he'll just yell at her almost instantly I feel like I shouldn't even put them in that situation.

I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?

[Mom2Camryn397]

Originally Posted by AutumnAir

I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?

My children are almost the same spacing as your little ones will be. Unfortunately, i don't have much advice or i wouldn't be here Mostly i have learned to be a bit more forgiving of myself and some of my ideals have gone by the wayside, like television. Especially over the winter, we watched more tv than I would like. And now that nathan is mobile, we have a lot of conflict in our house. But i know that i can manage it all peacefully, if i could only take a breath every so often and stop being so reactionary. I am just so tired in every way and some days i have just had enough. I am reading "siblings without rivalry" which is truly a tremendous book, more for when the children are older but there are some applicable scenarios for all ages. I also loves hold onto your kids which, not geared towards siblings, has really shaped my parenting. For me, it was easy at first but it has gotten more difficult lately. Our biggest challenge early on was camryn's nursing because she really wanted to nurse a lot since i had so much milk, and that just wasn't OK with me. So we had to set some limits and cut back. I definitely wasn't the selfless tandem nursing mom that i had hoped to be. She still nurses now but only first thing in the morning as a reconnection after being in her own bed all night, and only for a couple of minutes. Anyway, if you have help on a regular basis, that will be a blessing. Contrary to what most parents do, i really cleared my older daughter's schedule for the first several months because, as much as she likes to be out and about, it was more important to give her time with me and the security of my love. While she seems to have genuine affection for her brother, she is still a 3 year old with all the craziness that comes with that age. Sorry this post is so disjointed but i hope it helped a bit.

[ERue]

I belong here. Although, I never knew I had a temper until I had kids...yikes. I'm new to the whole GD thing, so I'm trying. It's hard because my DD has a very similar personality to mine, and we seem to know how to push buttons, and being the bigger person (than a 3 year old, yes, I know. LOL), isn't always the easiest. My mom yelled a lot, so I'm starting to realize that really needs to change because I remember how terrible that felt.
We're trying...

[Cprem]

so nice to know I'm not alone! I've always had a temper and I just get to the point where I just snap. It can be so hard with a little one telling you "no" all the time and literally pushing you around!. Lately I get so frustrated at my DD (18 months) meal times , I seriously dread them!!! she doesn't want to eat anything I made and throws it all on the ground!

when I was first introduced to this crazy world of parenting my sister sent me this quote and I think of it often when I want to yell and scream and cry...

Flow with the difficulties with grace, patience and understanding, It will cultivate a mood that will give you a little appreciation, love and gratitude...

it is on my fridge...

[Awaken]

joining, sadly. i have a very high needs and sensitive older child, an active and opinionated 4 yo, and a baby. it is soooooo much worse when i'm sleep deprived and hungry and there is constant noise and no time alone, which is to say, ALWAYS!!!! We did great yesterday and I fell apart at the end and yelled meanly b/c one child was provoking the other repeatedly while we were all hungry and I was frantically trying to make dinner and the baby was crying. Today I did better with being firm but loving. (still have to get thru bedtime with some very overtired kids though!)

I have hit a couple times and am not proud of it More often I have threatened to hit and said awful, hurtful words that I hope won't stick with them for life It comes out of nowhere. I am getting better about apologizing and trying to make amends to them when I've done wrong.

[petal-sky]

Please help me

I was never the kind of person to loose my cool before my daughter came along. Sure, sometimes I would argue over something stupid, but I have, for the most part always been a mellow, calm, understanding person. In most cases I would just shrug my shoulders and let things be.

The first 10 months of my daughter's life were a breeze. I loved being a mommy, had so much fun with her and never had an issue with loosing patience during long days and nights of BFing, diaper changes, crankyness (on her part) and not sleeping. In general I was feeling good and like a decent mother.

It was not until these last couple months when she has been A. getting into everything, B. so clingy that I cannot even leave the room to go to the bathroom without her throwing a fit, and C. we lost our home and were evicted, found a new place after living in a motel for 2 months and things are just still so stressful financially that I feel myself loosing it, a lot.

I find it coming from nowhere that I am suddenly enraged over something that in retrospect is so small. I yell, I find myself talking to her rudely and it makes me feel awful like I do not deserve to be her mother. I love her more than anything, more than my own life. Why does she bring out the worst in me? I just want to be a good mother and I feel like a lousy one all the time that makes one bad choice after another.

I feel such guilt and depression over the issue. As a single mom living with my own mom atm, I do not know what to do. I do not believe in cry-it-out but I find myself getting so bent out of shape that I have to leave or yelling ensues. So, I just leave her in her room with toys and go outside to breathe and cry, just sob until all the feeling are gone. But she hates being separated so much that she screams the whole time which also makes me feel awful ;(

I had a very, very unhappy childhood. I will not lie or sugarcoat it my father was an abusive alcoholic and all I remember is yelling, manipulation, lies and violence. I am so afraid he is going to come out in me, that somehow I will turn into a monster like he was. I feel like a monster for treating my DD like this.

I have read many books on the topic and try to put the helpful advise into practice but I find that it is so hard. I have come to the realization that I just have no idea how to handle disciplining a child, I have no idea how to handle anger. For me it is just lash out or avoid the issue and escape. But I can do neither in the case of raising a wonderful daughter like I have. I need to get help and I need to learn a way to raise her and break the cycle, now.

I am looking up therapists and going to try and get back on my meds, which are the only things that have helped with my severe depression, that I have had as far back as I can remember. I am hoping between treating the depression and a therapist I can talk to that I will improve, but I would also like any tips or advice from other moms I can get.

Thanks,
Sarah

[provocativa]

nutritional therapy is what helps me. i supplement megadoses based in part on a thread started by gale force called 'a true natural remedy' - about post-partum depression. she later wrote a book and website, www.rebuild-from-depression.com I take calcium and magnesium citrate (600mg mag- way more than rda), tons of natural cholecalciferol D3- not ergocalciferol, a mega-stress b vitamin, and additional separate 'minor' b's, inositol, choline, biotin, and paba. I also take huge doses of Carlson cod liver oil. I keep Gaba and 5 htp around for when I need them. Gaba (gamma amnio-buytric acid) is a calming neurotransmitter, and 5 htp is a metabolite of tryptophan. Serotonin is made of a bunch of tryptophan- none of y'all get enough tryptophan or mg. I am poor, and so often can't afford my supps. Whenever I get too poor for them, rage and migraines and mood swings rear their head- even when I know what's going on I can't stop them! Magnesium is the priority, and after that the cod liver oil for efa's. Here's a fairly good description of mental mag deficiency symptoms: http://rickmalterphd.blogspot.com/20...-mindbody.html but if you google mag deficiency and anger you will find a ton. Cofactors for mg absorption are B6 and D3. Most of us are D3 deficient, but vegetarians even more so. Many assert that D2 converts to D3 in the gut, but there is no such thing as a healthy gut anymore- antibiotics have made sure of that.

Additionally, most of us are eating things we are intolerant of, and those cause a histamine reaction in our bodies. We may not be as bad off as this description of high brain histamine, http://www.healthrecovery.com/HRC_20...er.htm#hhchild , but it is affecting us nonetheless. Of course I try to maximize food sources of this stuff, for me and the kids, but it is near impossible to get all this from food. Mag, for instance- soils are depleted in mag and then fertilizers prevent uptake of mag at the roots of plants, even when it is present in the soil. So, you can be eating sunflower seeds for extra mag, and not getting it.

I have also learned that my abusive husband is what prompted me to rage to begin with. He is so short tempered with the kids, that I was afraid to leave them with him. He is mean to me and created a pecking order. I am saving to leave him now. Ditto my alcoholic dad. My kids also have multiple health issues which make them out of control more than other kids- and even though I know about these issues it is still hard when people are shaking their heads in the grocery store. If they get even one iota of wheat, then their behavior is so bad that I begin to understand child abuse (but don't resort to it of course). Food coloring, it is almost that bad with us. These things affect me, too- check out www.feingold.org about that. I also think it doesn't help that our society is ignorant of child development, and sees a mother's work as lesser than other work. We absorb these opinions, even if we don't believe in them. And we act out our frustration with that ignorance.
I have posted this on several threads here, and like to mention that I need a tattoo saying- magnesium changed my life, ask me how. . . .

[ancoda]

I belong here too.
Sadly I have always had problems with my temper. I have a very short fuse and was taught to walk away a lot. The problem comes when I really can't walk away from my children. They either follow me aggravating me more or continue the destructive behavior that just set me off in the first place.

[DirtyHippyMama]

petal-sky, it IS SO SO SO hard to break the cycle and parent your children differently than you were parented, because that's how we are "programmed" to parent our own children. i think that's a lot of us "temper" mamas' problem. i know it's mine. i'll tell you what has been told to me: you are aware, your intentions are good, and you are doing your best. that doesn't sound like much, but it's a lot. i feel like rolling my eyes when that is said to me, but really, think of the children whose parents are NOT trying to break the cycle, who are NOT aware of the damage it causes, and who are NOT doing anything to change it. you are so far ahead of them, and your child is so much better off. even though we "backslide" a lot, we are mindful of the consequences and truly want to change things. reading parenting books is good, hanging out with other GD mamas is really good (there's nothing like seeing it in action!), and getting help for yourself is really really good.

remember the oxygen mask theory: put YOURS on BEFORE you help your child with hers. you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first. i have been in therapy and on meds for 15 years(!!!), and i see no end in sight. that's not to say it hasn't helped, but that undoing all the damage of my childhood is a loooong process that i don't expect to be finished with...well...ever, at least as long as my mother is alive and/or involved in my life in any way. but i make progress, and take things in stride.

i have bad days, i yell, i tantrum (LOL), i have spanked (mainly my oldest, because he can be ROTTEN, i was young when i had him, and i didn't know about GD until he was 2, or start practicing it until he was about 6...but that's a whooole 'nother story). i have found it easier to GD with my younger children, i think both because they have less "damaged" genes (my oldest is from a previous relationship and his dad is FAR from stable), and i have more experience and patience with kids' shananigans and developmental annoyances in general.

you sound like you are certainly under a lot of stress. are you a member of a local AP/GD parenting group? i have found that to be extrememly helpful, even though i don't feel comfortable sharing my darkest experiences with them because some of them can be catty and judgemental (you know, the ones who had happy childhoods and AP'ed/GD'ed their kids from birth and have endless patience -- so nice for them)...it's still very helpful to surround myself IRL with positive role models in the parenting department. not to mention that it's much easier to keep my patience with my own children when there are other parents around (cuz, ya know, i don't want them JUDGING me or anything).

anyway, good luck. you are not alone, and you have every right to get the help you need. (((HUGS)))

[Mollyma]

Hi-thanks for all your sharing. I have never really had temper issues but I guess all my frustrations were a lot less major before having a kid. As we all know, kids bring out so much emotion, but not all of it is the "easy" stuff like love, humor,etc! I tend to either be "Supermom", always trying to be positive, one step ahead of preventing tantrums, etc. or get really upset by what is probably a lot of basic 3-year-old behavior/stages. I hold myself to such high standards and I guess I hold my son to those too. I am working on finding a balance between the "Super/Hyper Mom" and the totally frustrated and impatient mom. Reminding myself that I can discipline him and not have to get really mad or have it be really intense. I think I'm striving for nuetral. If I'm frustrated, okay. It's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean I'm a "bad" or impatient mom...It just means I'm human.
I think that's what I was looking for. Remembering I'm human and things are just tough sometimes. And my kid is just human and just going thru. 3 year old stuff, some of which he knows he's acting out and it's my responsibily to call him on it. W/out high drama or internal rage, but keep disiplining him like parents need to.

[petal-sky]

Thanks DirtyHippyMama,

It makes me feel a bit better than I did before to read your post and let some of it sink in (though part of me feels I do not deserve the small relief) I will try more to tell myself that I can only do the best I can (not perfect) and try to improve everyday. Try to be aware and stop myself when I get to feeling angry and remind myself that she is my beautiful daughter that I love. Today was a good day when only gentle words and actions were present, I just wish everyday was this good of a day. More often than not, things are good... but some really tough days I just wish I could push the rewind button, pause my life for a second and figure out what I would've done differently.

[fiddlefern]

Yup. I've got anger issues. I don't really have excuses- I wouldn't say my upbringing was abusive, and my dh is the best. I would just say that my mom didn't really know how to deal with conflict, and she was intrapunitive (held it in and felt miserable). I, unfortunately for my family, am extrapunitive (take it out on others).

After reading the thread and thinking for a bit, here is what try/ want to try when I get angry:

Sleep!
Exercise
Let it go
Reasonable expectations
Share my feelings (without blaming them on the kids, if I can at all help it!)
Another physical outlet (clap hands, bang floor)

Most of these aren't super-complicated. I can't do super-complicated right now. I also have fish oil sitting in my fridge which I can try and remember to take. Very well documented to help with mood.

[junipermuse]

I definitely need to join you mamas. I have quite a temper. I think I always have. To some extent I know what helps. Plenty of sleep, time to myself, reduce stress in general, good nutrition, exercise, etc. Those things combined with self awareness and self discipline on my part. The problem is that the first three can be almost impossible for me to get sometimes and I find that those are often the most important. On the days when my husband lets me sleep in, I'm a different person. My patience is endless. I have lots of energy to focus attention on my very high needs 3 yo. But when I've been up half the night with the baby and then up at 5:30 in the morning or if I fell asleep at 8:30 the night before from sheer exhaustion, so didn't get my "me time" in the evening, that's when I feel short-tempered, resentful. I also find that if I'm angry with my husband, but he's sleeping or away at work, I have a hard time not taking out my frustration on dd. It's like I have all these horrible feelings spilling out of me and no where for them to go.

I have been to therapy, but I'm not currently going, as I didn't find that I was getting much help from my previous therapist, though it probably isn't a bad idea to try again. I have also found some minor relief from nutritional supplements, but I often fail to take them regularly. I just hate having to take a ton of pills.

Loneliness is often a problem for me as well. When I have grown-up companionship I often can be very patient. I'm very extroverted and I need to hang out with other adults to fill up my cup. We moved to where we live currently almost 2 years ago and it took me a long time to make new friends, and now that I have I find that if we really fill our days with playdates and such that I am much happier, and as a consequence more patient and even-tempered.

But I also feel so challenged daily. I'm beginning to wonder if I was fated to have a HN daughter like I do as a test or a challenge to learn to really overcome my emotional volatility. Like if I'm able to rise to the challenge of parenting her with loving calmness, and patience, then I'll be able to handle anything. In general our stress level in our home is very high. Dh works a lot. Lately he's been putting in 40+ hour weeks at the office (at the office before 9 and doesn't leave until after 6, usually working through lunch) and then he comes home and works in his home office from 8 until 1 in the morning. He's rightly exhausted and then the baby wakes us up at night, but I'm already exhausted and I still need his help at night. We seem to be fighting about this a lot. It's hard for me to feel sympathetic when my own needs aren't being met. And I really resent having to pick up the slack when he's overwhelmed with work. On the other hand, I have been trying to remind myself how lucky I am to have two healthy beautiful children. Like in the middle of the night when I used to get so angry or just cry if I was being kept awake, now I try to hold my baby and just enjoy him. Or I try to connect with dd as much as possible and enjoy all the things that are wonderful about her, so that when she does start to frustrate me, I'm so filled with love for her that it lessens my anger. Sometimes it works, but other times it doesn't. But I suppose that even when I blow up, the quicker I can regain my calm the better, so it's best not to make myself feel horrible because that can make it harder to regain my calm.

[fairyannanicole]

I dont normally post on the parenting boards, every time I do someone turns me in and i get a nice little pm with a warning about how I m not allowed to post things like that and what not. almost seems that if you dont parent like the majority, you get flamed and turned in? Anyhoooooooo, I have a temper. Not a flaming raging abuse my children temper, but I know i am not as patient as i want to be!!! I have to force and remind myself that children are not supposed to live by a strict set of rules, and often times do not I am a single mother of 4 boys, and my biggest problem is being disrespected. I will admit however, my theory of disrespect may not even phase another parent. So, it is something i am working on. I am also working on my NOW factor. When I say something, or want something doe, I want it done NOW. any variation of this and I am not a happy mommy, again it boils down to the respect issue, but not really it is my head and I know that... so yes, i have a temper and it is something I work on daily. I would like to join this thread to say the least!!

[clothdipemomof2boy]

Count me in I am a hothead too and it is sooo hard. I try everything I have done yoga to try to stop yelling. I dont spank but do yell and I dont like that about me either. I am like what a previous poster said, I take it out mostly on the kids then my husband. I will let anyone else say or do anything they want because i dont want to hurt them by telling them it was wrong or offending them but my kids or my husband it seems as thought it does not matter. I cant believe I even typed that it seems so wrong when it is starring at you in the face. I feel horrible. I hope that I can join the thread becuse I need some pointers and some support and a place to vent ya know.

[gypsyhips26]

Hello mamas...I was just trolling around the mothering site looking for some sage advice about this when I found this thread, thank goodness. I've been struggling mightly with yelling & snapping at my 3yo (I also have a 5 month old) and I just feel awful some nights when I go to bed & replay the day in my head. I too just picked up a copy of Unconditional Parenting and am hoping it helps me get some perspective on my losing my cool with my DS. *sigh* I've been feeling like such a failure as a mama of late.....

[umsami]

I came across a good 3 CD set at the library that has been helping so far. It's by Pema Chodron and is called "Don't Bite the Hook." http://www.amazon.com/Dont-Bite-Hook.../dp/1590304349

It is truly excellent. I find her very easy to listen to and very relatable. Now, I'm probably going to need to listen to it a few times while I have it on loan... and then either recheck it out or buy it. But still, lots of good stuff.

[HeliMom]

I was horrible today.

Although not triggered by my DD, I did have a temper tantrum in front of my daughter today. Why doesn't really matter even though my hubby actually agreed he was in the wrong for following me around the house arguing when I was trying to cool off. The real problem is that I felt so cornered and upset that I threw things in front of her while screaming.

That she started crying in empathy or because she was scared wasn't enough to snap me out of it. I feel so ashamed. This is the second night in a row I've screamed at my hubby in front of her. What a terrible example I am setting.

The worst is I vividly remember my own mother after fights with my dad would destroy things in front of me. I still have one of the 3qt pots that she put dents into smashing it against the counter. I'm so afraid of burning images like that into my baby's memory.

I really need a hug.

[three&me]

So many of the previous posts ring true for me as well.

My temper has been getting worse recently, and it only seems to be with the kids; more specifically, our 4 year old. He hasn't been listening to me at all lately, being so disrespectful, and it's wearing on my nerves. Try as I might to remain calm, it just doesn't seem to work. The last thing I want to do is start yelling but once I get to that point I take a while to calm down.

I've always had a bad temper but never to this extent. I remember my dad having a horrible temper when I was growing up, and I do NOT want that for my kids. DHs temper has been getting worse as well. He tends to throw things, though, whereas I just yell. It seems that we can't go more than a few days without one of our tempers being set off.

I feel terrible about how it's been escalating. I want, more than anything, to set a good example for the kids, but I'm clueless as to how to "fix" my temper. I'm going to make a conscious effort to keep it in check tomorrow, so I'll see how it goes.