Mamas with a temper? - Page 3

[tnmom66]

My older kids drive me crazy. I always knew my favorite age was early childhood from infancy to about 5 or 6.

My son, who is 11 1/2 reallly exasperates me. I get so stressed out when my kids bicker, talk back, don't help around the house (and instead make messes),and are generally not pleasant to be around.

With the baby, I guess I don't expect so much and I'm a lot more mellow with her.

I yell WAY too much and I just hate it.

[coleslaw]

I belong here too. And while I feel for all of you posters, I'm so glad I am not alone. I feel horrible and to top it off, my son has turned into an anger boy. Well, I can't tell what comes first. Usually his anger sets me off probably becasue my dad got very angry, yet I was not aloud to be angry. How do I deal with that? I need to immediately, because we can't all live like this. Just last night my mom watched my kids for the evening while dh and I went out for the first time in forever. I was worried the whole time he would have one of his major fits. It didn't happen until this morning and the look on my moms face made me want to cry. She was horrified and scared. My MIL has seen it and was shocked. We don't have our babysitter over anymore because he threw a major fit for an hour. I dont' know if I caused this or am just getting in the way of helping him, but regardless, I don't like who I am when this happens.

And I was never like this with my daughter. NEVER!! Thank you to all who posted potential solutions. I've read a lot about this, but some of these ideas are new to me. I need to follow through on some.

I look forward to following this thread. Thanks for starting it.

[Paeta16]

I definitely belong with this group of mothers! I have been doing really well lately with my 3 y.o. and I feel so good about that. However, I am 5 months PG and the first 3.5 months of this pregnancy were the worst for me as a parent. I was so sick and had zero patience with my little girl It reminded me of my childhood b/c my mom was sick throughout my childhood with a very painful chronic illness. So as much as I came to understand her more during this time, I had to remind myself constantly how I felt as a child on the receiving end of the anger/impatience of that pain.

Originally Posted by AutumnAir

I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?

This worries me. I don't do well with a lack of sleep. Even though I have a very supportive DH, I am a SAHM and my 3 y.o. will need my attention. I do not want to deprive her of that attention or go back to where I was in the first 3 months of this pregnancy!

A PP mentioned supplements and I have found that this can really help my moods. I weaned off of an anti-depression med when I got PG and I am hoping to manage my moods once again with diet and supplements. I used to see a naturopathic doctor and my moods were SO much better then. I wish I could afford to see one all the time...but I digress.

Anyway, I hope to both gain and offer some parenting support through this thread

[mommy212]

I have a bad temper with my LO as well... which is odd, i realy never get mad at anyone else, but since he has been born my temper has beenmuch worse than before. Am still working on it!

[junipermommy]

I have had some major temper issues since I have become a mother. The one thing I have found that works to calm me down everytime is a good old fashoned joint. I just puff a little bit and nothing can make me angry. I really believe that marajuana has made me a better mother. I dont yell at my children, I can come up with really fun and creative craft ideas. I am just more fun to my kids. I enjoy my family more when I smoke and I just love love love that I am able to keep myself calm with out having to resort to chemical medication , instead I am able to turn to mother earth for relief.

[jpaigeadams]

Junipermommy, I have to say Wow! I have been coming to these boards for about 2 yrs now and I'm pretty sure this is the first time anyone has ever mentioned MJ! I have actually wondered on more than a few occasions if there's any difference between parenting while taking anti-depressants and parenting while smoking pot - not morally, just physically, in terms of exactly this - your ability to deal with the frustrations of small children. I think a lot of people will say that pot interferes with your ability to make decisions, slows reaction times, etc etc. It's an interesting conversation.

Anyway, thank you to all the mamas posting on here - I often feel like I'm the only one who yells at my kids, or who struggles with her anger. It's something I think and read about a lot.

Here's something I want to bring up, that I don't see often talked about. Sometimes when I'm really mad, I just can't let it go. The Pump Is Primed. And somehow, it feels Good, KWIM? It perversely feels good to be so pissed off, and indignantly Right. It's so hard then for me to turn the situation around, to let it go, to truly relax and move on.

And lastly, the real heart of the matter for me: how to change how I deal with my anger, and what good strategies to give to my kids.

Maybe could people throw out some books they've liked that deal with this subject (mama anger, and teaching kids how to deal with theirs)?
Here are some of mine:
The No Cry Discipline Solution (the first book I read that dealt with this issue)
Mama Zen
Buddhism for Mothers
How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen
Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

[MamaSmurf29]

Yesterday my 3 year old came up to me and said "Sometimes I think you don't love me because you yell at me."

OH. MY. What am I doing??

I read a book a while back about anger management and it helped me sooo much. I wish I could remember the name of it! Looks like I need to read it again!

[childsplay]

My problem is that I dump all my anger onto my kids. And my kids are for the most part, very good kids. They don't give me much trouble, they eat when they should, sleep when they should, they're pleasant and kind. They fight with each other, but are friends more often than not these days.
So why are they my personal dumping grounds???

Here's an example of a typical morning here. I get them up, we eat, pack lunches, prep for school etc.
Get in the car on time (8:35ish) open the garage door. Surprise! Daycare parent is here!
Now when the parents sign on with me they agree NOT to show up between 8:30 and 9:00. (Some come earlier which is great)
So then I have to turn off the car, install another carseat -or two if I'm REALLY lucky - and we all know how much fun carseat installations are!
Then I have to wrangle the shreiking toddler - who wants to go in the house, not in the car, into the seat. Get everyone settled again and leave. But Surprise! I don't make it down my driveway and another parent (who also apparently can't tell time)pulls and blocks me in. Then I spend the next five minutes in a messed up game of 'chicken' seeing who's going to back up, or 'give way' first. Finally, finally we get to school and my kids are late. But I get after them for taking too long to get out of the car. So they start their school day with me pissed at them
Totally not fair!
I realize I have to become more assertive. Get rid of the things that set me off. Otherwise my kids are going to think that I'm ALWAYS mad at them.
This thread is interesting, I'm going to keep reading : )

[catters]

I need this group too. I'm so stressed out lately and DS is SOOOO 3 years old and just SOOOO defiant I am losing my sh*t regularly. I don't like that about me at all! We are moving across the country to an entirely new place AGAIN in under 13 months and I am so stressed about this move and packing and doing it all while DH is working so it's me, the kids and the dog. All these stressors are killing me! I keep telling myself I'll be chilled out when we are finally settled, but I hate how mean I can be and how it just happens so fast!

[chipper26]

My temper is probably the thing I like least about myself as a parent. I would love to know what healthy anger looks like and when it is appropriate to be angry. I did not have these things modeled when I was a child, I saw lots of rage. Now I'm trying to control mine.

I find that searching for empathy at the time is really helpful. If I can ust get in touch with my dd and why she is feeling/acting a particular way, it helps. The only problem with that is if the situation is extreme or I'm really stressed, I'm really stuck in my own emotions and point of view and just WANT HER TO DO WHAT I WANT, to fit neatly into my scenerio of how I want things to be.

So, I'm still working on it. Today was not so good. When I'm more relaxed or not pressed for time, I can deal with things SOOOO much better.

[boigrrrlwonder]

Originally Posted by AutumnAir

I'm worried about adding another LO to the mix, along with the sleep deprivation that comes along with it. Has anyone got any tips?

No advice here. I've always had a temper, but it didn't get so ot of control until #2. DS is actually a much easier baby than DD ever was, and sleeps better to boot, but I keep saying that when my daughter came back after the birth (she went with grandma during the birth), she came back a different child. The older one is what makes having two hard.

Originally Posted by DirtyHippyMama

remember the oxygen mask theory: put YOURS on BEFORE you help your child with hers. you cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself first.

I'm trying to remember this. I suspect a lot of my anger comes from needing more sleep and exercise, though I've resolved that if I still can't control my anger after I find a way to carve out time for this, I will try therapy (something I've been contemplating for a while, but DH is deadset against this).

Originally Posted by DirtyHippyMama

are you a member of a local AP/GD parenting group?

We're moving, and I'm hoping to find a better AP group. Out here, it's mostly mothers of babies who attend, which is great for them, but they don't have a lot of insight into discipling a three year old.

Originally Posted by fiddlefern

After reading the thread and thinking for a bit, here is what try/ want to try when I get angry:

Sleep!
Exercise
Let it go
Reasonable expectations
Share my feelings (without blaming them on the kids, if I can at all help it!)
Another physical outlet (clap hands, bang floor)

Most of these aren't super-complicated. I can't do super-complicated right now. I also have fish oil sitting in my fridge which I can try and remember to take. Very well documented to help with mood.

I'm trying to find a cheap treadmill. I know jogging helps me cool down, but unfortunately the baby hates the jogging stroller. I've also added salmon into our diet twice a week.

Originally Posted by catters

I need this group too. I'm so stressed out lately and DS is SOOOO 3 years old and just SOOOO defiant I am losing my sh*t regularly(

I remember wondering what everyone was talking about when they were talking about the terrible twos, especially since no one told me how hard of an age three is!

[mum5]

subbing, back to read more later.