feeling like worst mom ever.

[carrie a.]

i've always tried to trust my instincts and trust my daughter. but i feel like i've done something very wrong along the way somehow. no one in my house is sleeping. dd is 21 months and we also have a 5 month old (who would like to sleep at night..) dd is excited, energetic, curious - totally wonderful. the good news is that i don't see any other behavioral issues and daytime is fine. she just fights sleep at night. i've posted before about her night wakings.

we have good weeks and bad with no obvious reasons. she is up for hours at a time on the bad nights and has done this since around her 1st birthday. i've looked into everything anyone has ever suggested and don't see any correlations that are consistent. she has her own room but we sleep in with her when she needs it. we tried setting up a dvd player in there, let her come downstairs, medicated, changed bedtimes and naptimes (she naps well), looked into food allergies... it's only getting worse and worse. and then there is a friend of mine who says her son "did the exact same thing" until they "ferberized him". i would never do that but it makes me think that i've done something to create some really bad nighttime habits and that it's up to me to break her of them.

last night i was a single parent through bedtime and completely lost my patience. she stayed up until 11 and was then up at 2:30 screaming and demanding to go downstairs. it was the first night i have not trusted my instincts or hers. and now i feel horrible. i just let her cry and scream and tantrum in her room WITH ME THERE. my husband and 5 month old eventually came in too and we all just hung out while she begged and pleaded to be let out of her room. i think she was up for about 2 1/2 hours, which is the average time for her. it is just total torture for all of us and i REALLY hate to see her so upset. we need to figure this out soon or we'll all go crazy. i would be so appreciative of any feedback or suggestions or anyone with a similar story.

why is it so hard to be a mommy?

[mrsdocmartin]

I have no advice, but I wanted you to know that I know how you feel. DS's sleep issues aren't as bad as what you are describing, but he too has never been a "good sleeper". It's so hard to be a mama! DS was up every 45 minutes last night and DH was away (not that he is much help at night anyway, not his fault, but it is what is is) so I am having a tired mother's day too. I think our DCs are lucky to have mamas that are there for them 24 hours, and not just during the day. We'll look back on these days and laugh someday when we tell our grandchildren how hard their mommies and daddies were on us!

[K-Mom3]

Kids like this, who are just awake for hours at night, don't often get better with a cio method. It isn't your fault that she's doing this. Hopefully you'll find some kind of solution. She's probably not waking up and screaming because she wants attention. She probably does it because something is disrupting her sleep.

I know a couple families with kids who just would not sleep for hours at night who fixed the problem with a dog. The kid slept with the dog and nights weren't a problem anymore. It was a sensory thing, I think. For my little 2 yr old niece, melatonin helped some. She would still wake up but would usually be willing to go to sleep on a sleeping bag on the floor in her parent's room.

But I agree. Sometimes being a mommy is overwhelmed with hardship and the rewards and joys just don't seem to be worth the agony. Being a parent is HARD! You need a break. You need a chance to catch up on sleep. And I know the desperate feeling from knowing that you're just not going to get those things. It is hard to keep chugging forward.

If you're getting so little sleep, you're at higher risk for ppd. Or even if you don't get ppd, you're likely to be more negative-minded and unmotivated and desperate. Take care of yourself, as much as you can, mama.

[carrie a.]

i really don't want to "train" my kids. i want to provide emotional and physical nurishment. i want them to be leaders, make their own decisions, make their own mistakes...

[LCBMAX]

I don't know why it's so hard. But it really is.

I agree with the pp who said to let go of the guilt. Clearly you did not do something wrong - being a good mom doesn't mean your kids do everything in a way that's comfortable for the family. It means you hang in there for hours in the hard hard nights (or beg husband to do that so you can cool out a little.) That's being a good mom.

This may just be your kid - for now. You may not be able to change this about her til her own body is ready to change it. As you say, you can reassure yourself immensely by how things are in the day, so I think your instincts are still working well.

Possible suggestions:
- Have just one parent in with her while the other stays with the baby so at least one child and one parent are getting rest. Take turns based on level of exhaustion and patience.
- Talk with her in a happy relaxed daytime moment. Say "Sweetie, you know how sometimes you really want to get up and play in the night? Well, here's the rule: nights are for sleeping and resting in our bedrooms. If you can't sleep, mommy or daddy will rest quietly with you. But we will have to stay in the bedroom, because nights are for sleeping. You might get mad, and that's ok. We'll still be with you, but we will stay in the bedroom." Offer her a chance to create a solution too, "Would your favorite animal help you feel quiet? Would a certain song help? Do we need a special nightlight?" And remind her again, at another happy relaxed daytime moment, in the style of quizzing her about something she already knows and can be proud to tell you, "Now remember sweetie, if you wake up in the night, you can have Mommy or Daddy and your bunny/ song/ blankey, but we'll be staying in the bedroom. Where will we stay in the night?" And hopefully she sings out "Bedroom!"
- Keep telling yourself that if you are there offering comfort, then you are doing the best mama-job in the world. It's all you can do.

So sorry, though. We've totally been there, though my only child son is somewhat content to have daddy read boring books to him in the wee hours when he insists on a 2 am party. Nightweaning when he was ready and not a minute sooner was a big help to us.

Good luck.

[kavamamakava]

You must be so tired. I, personally, find nothing wrong with being there with my child while she cries. It's absolutely not the same thing as CIO.
I have a child who didn't like to sleep at nights sometimes. She also used to get night terrors. She's never had her own room but went from my bed to sharing a bed with her brother and now she shares a room with her sister. There were nights when I secured the bedroom door shut and just kept telling her it was sleepy time and I slept in her bed while she was awake. I let her have a few toys and kept a lamp on for her but I got my sleep (sorta). She just had to stay in the bedroom because that's what we do at night. And she had to let mommy sleep becuase that's also what we do at night. If the door was secured I knew she couldn't get out and I also knew we were in a babyproofed room and I could rest while she played quietly. She did talk to me sometimes or cry or poke my eyeballs or nurse sometimes too. But it was better than trying to stay wide awake when I just couldn't.

[LadyCatherine185]

Originally Posted by LCBMAX

I don't know why it's so hard. But it really is.

I agree with the pp who said to let go of the guilt. Clearly you did not do something wrong - being a good mom doesn't mean your kids do everything in a way that's comfortable for the family. It means you hang in there for hours in the hard hard nights (or beg husband to do that so you can cool out a little.) That's being a good mom.

This may just be your kid - for now. You may not be able to change this about her til her own body is ready to change it. As you say, you can reassure yourself immensely by how things are in the day, so I think your instincts are still working well.

Possible suggestions:
- Have just one parent in with her while the other stays with the baby so at least one child and one parent are getting rest. Take turns based on level of exhaustion and patience.
- Talk with her in a happy relaxed daytime moment. Say "Sweetie, you know how sometimes you really want to get up and play in the night? Well, here's the rule: nights are for sleeping and resting in our bedrooms. If you can't sleep, mommy or daddy will rest quietly with you. But we will have to stay in the bedroom, because nights are for sleeping. You might get mad, and that's ok. We'll still be with you, but we will stay in the bedroom." Offer her a chance to create a solution too, "Would your favorite animal help you feel quiet? Would a certain song help? Do we need a special nightlight?" And remind her again, at another happy relaxed daytime moment, in the style of quizzing her about something she already knows and can be proud to tell you, "Now remember sweetie, if you wake up in the night, you can have Mommy or Daddy and your bunny/ song/ blankey, but we'll be staying in the bedroom. Where will we stay in the night?" And hopefully she sings out "Bedroom!"
- Keep telling yourself that if you are there offering comfort, then you are doing the best mama-job in the world. It's all you can do.

So sorry, though. We've totally been there, though my only child son is somewhat content to have daddy read boring books to him in the wee hours when he insists on a 2 am party. Nightweaning when he was ready and not a minute sooner was a big help to us.

Good luck.

Lots of great advice here! I have a DS who has been a horrible sleeper his whole life up until 2 months ago, when we nightweaned (slower version of Jay Gordon method) and moved him to his own bed. Now Daddy takes care of him at night when he wakes up, and he has gone from waking 5-10+ times a night, to only waking once or twice (and that is after a SEVEN hour stretch!). I agree letting her cry with you there is NOT cio. Nighttime is for sleeping/resting, not playing. Be consistent.

Have you read Sleepless in America? It has a lot of great ideas for structuring your day to help with nighttime sleep.

Have you had her evaluated for things like sleep apnea? Does she seem to have any sensory issues? Is she cutting teeth? My DS always did the middle of the night "I want to play for 2 hours" thing when he was about to pop a tooth.

I hope things get better for you soon!

[happysmileylady]

Kids like this, who are just awake for hours at night, don't often get better with a cio method. It isn't your fault that she's doing this. Hopefully you'll find some kind of solution.

I agree with this. My oldest was much like the OP's LO, although for us it was the getting to sleep that was the biggest issue. The worst night was when she woke up at 7:30 one evening from a late nap, and then wasn't asleep until FIVE THIRTY the next morning. She just screamed and screamed and screamed, through rocking and walking and driving and everything else.

I wish I could offer you some tips, but I didn't really find anything that worked. I DID try CIO, but it didn't give us different results. And, like I said, I tried walking, driving, rocking etc etc etc.

Right now, she is 14. And she is a typical teen as far as sleeping patterns go. Ultimately, once she got to first grade, and she was in school all day, with those mental challanges all day on a daily basis, she suddenly became a great sleeper! I guess you could say she finally outgrew it, or maybe she wasn't getting enough mental stimulation (though she did two years of pre school, and all the other normal toddler learning things, I certainly didn't just plop her in front of the tv for hours on end or anything like that.)

Good luck! It's hard!

[kavamamakava]

Originally Posted by happysmileylady

I agree with this. My oldest was much like the OP's LO, although for us it was the getting to sleep that was the biggest issue. The worst night was when she woke up at 7:30 one evening from a late nap, and then wasn't asleep until FIVE THIRTY the next morning. She just screamed and screamed and screamed, through rocking and walking and driving and everything else.

I wish I could offer you some tips, but I didn't really find anything that worked. I DID try CIO, but it didn't give us different results. And, like I said, I tried walking, driving, rocking etc etc etc.

Right now, she is 14. And she is a typical teen as far as sleeping patterns go. Ultimately, once she got to first grade, and she was in school all day, with those mental challanges all day on a daily basis, she suddenly became a great sleeper! I guess you could say she finally outgrew it, or maybe she wasn't getting enough mental stimulation (though she did two years of pre school, and all the other normal toddler learning things, I certainly didn't just plop her in front of the tv for hours on end or anything like that.)

Good luck! It's hard!

YES! My daughter also evened out with her sleeping once she hit 1st grade.

[Nazsmum]

I 2nd Sleepless in America It may help you see things in a new light.