I can't get him to leave

[April411]

Hi all, I posted a few months ago about how I was ready to leave my husband. I ended up going to my mom's for about a week an a half when my husband asked me to come back and work things out. I did. It didn't take long for things to return back to how they were before.

I have told him repeatedly that I no longer want to be with him but he wont accept it. A few weeks ago we (husband and I) decided that we would move in to my moms to save $$ and because the apt we live in is horrible and drug infested. I told him that perhaps that is a bad idea and that just me and the kids should move into my moms. The problem is that we already gave notice that we were moving out so he has "no place to go". He is acting like he is moving with us even though I told him "it's over",I don't want to be with you".

I just don't get it. Why would you keep clinging to someone who clearly does not want to be with you. Honestly, I think he knows the relationship is dead but does not know what to do with himself. We got married young. I was 19 and he was 21 and still lived with his parents.

Have any of you dealt with this? I don't know how to get rid of him. Last night I told him that I wanted a divorce after he came hom drunk at 2:00 a.m. and started berating me. I'm sure he'll come home from work today and act like it never happened.

[*MamaJen*]

Yeah, I've been there. There's pretty much only one way to deal with it, and that is setting clear boundaries and being firm about them. It's hard, but it's the only way that works.
You have to stop enabling him. He's a grown man, he needs to be responsible for his own poor decisions and live with the outcomes. If you want to get out of the marriage, you have to tell him that clearly, tell him that you are moving into your mother's house and that he can't come with you. If you are wishy washy and let him follow you to your mother's house, it will only prolong the process.
Practice saying no, setting boundaries and not accepting verbal abuse.
You can't fix people or make them change the way they act. You can only control your own actions, your exposure to another person and the way you react to them.

[One_Girl]

I think you should just move in to your parents house with your kids and file a temporary custody and support order while you decide whether to divorce or not. If you have access to his yearly income right now then take that info with you so you won't have to fight him through your lawyer for it later. I believe that they either use monthly wages or last years tax return depending on the state so get copies of both before you move out. It is hard at first, but it will probably feel easier to stay firm because you will have your family around to give you emotional support.

[Rainbow2911]

I think you need to be really really clear. Have you specifically said that you will be living seperately in x number of weeks? I would start a conversation with him (not at a tense time) about if he has given any thought to where he will be living when you go to your mums and if he would like the phone numbers for some estate agents? Just be very clear that he will not be living with you and make sure that he knows it! If he is anything like my ex he will not have got that from "it's over".

[doubledutch]

since you've already given notice that you're moving out of your apartment, just tell him, "the kids and i are moving in with my mom, and you are not. you'll have to find somewhere else to stay." can you move to your mom's now, so that he really gets the message, rather than waiting until you must move out of your apartment? if you file for divorce will he get that it's really happening?

[laohaire]

Originally Posted by April411

I have told him repeatedly that I no longer want to be with him but he wont accept it. A few weeks ago we (husband and I) decided that we would move in to my moms to save $$ and because the apt we live in is horrible and drug infested. I told him that perhaps that is a bad idea and that just me and the kids should move into my moms.

Sorry, I'm not single, but I wanted to draw your attention to this. You seem to be giving him very mixed messages. You say you don't want to be with him, and then you jointly ("husband and I") decide to move to your mom's. THEN you tell him it's "perhaps" a "bad idea."

I think this is why your husband isn't getting it. I think you owe it to him to be clear, to point out that you are moving in X weeks and he needs to act now to get himself a place or he'll be on the street in June.

[recremaicila]

Well it's hard to break up, you're finding it difficult too & you (seem to be?) the one initiating it?

If you don't want to be with him DO NOT let him move in to your mom's. Have your mom not let him move in.

At least where I live, if you are married you cannot legally throw the person out (unless they are abusive). In my case he was, in a crafty sorta way, so I eventually got an order of protection & he was made to leave, but it took time for me to catch him doing something bad enough to make that happen.