exploring adoption options

[loziermusic]

We're considering adopting.. going through the beginning process of figuring out which agency, where to adopt from etc...

Any ideas out there would be helpful in getting started?

We have a 3 1/2 year old biological child and I recently had a miscarriage then was told it might have been cause of some fertility issues.

It awakened a thought to adopt that has been on my mind for some time. I attended an adoption workshop this weekend and now my husband is also on board with adoption.

We are thinking if we are able to conceive a 2nd biological child it will only enhance our family to have 3 children if we're able to adopt...

Anyway... any ideas??

Thoughts in going through the process?

Carrie

[SundayCrepes]

We adopted a domestic newborn privately (without an agency.)

Our decisions for domestic newborn was based on me wanting to nurse the baby. I was committed to the hard work of adoptive nursing and felt that was an important gift I could give a newborn that most other adoptive parents probably wouldn't give. To have adopted out of the foster system that is not an option. Foreign adoptions tend to be older and not as easy to nurse (though many have done it with older infants and rarely even toddlers.)

We did not use an agency because in our state only one agency works with non-religious people and we had a lot of problems with them.

Once we were done with that agency, we got a homestudy done through an agency that does not match. We were certified May 8. I did networking and advertising. On August 5 I mailed letters to 112 obstetricians asking them to refer me to any emoms considering adoption. On August 10 we got a call about a just born baby. I started nursing our daughter at 6 hours of age.

She is 21 months tomorrow. She had less than 2 ounces of formula in her life (before I could get to her.)

For more info on adoptive nursing, see www.asklenore.com. For info on receiving donated breast milk, see www.milkshare.com.

I need to go make some icebergs with my 4 year old. Let me know if I can answer more questions.

[annethcz]

I read and researched for several years before we decided on our adoption path. There are advantages and disadvantages to each type of adoption, to each program. I think that reading everything you can get your hands on is the best way to start. Learn about the pros and cons of domestic vs. international adoption. Read about the different international programs- they all have different requirements and processes. Make a list of what will work for your family and what won't. Go from there, and see where it leads you.

[lyra1977]

Originally Posted by annethcz

I read and researched for several years before we decided on our adoption path. There are advantages and disadvantages to each type of adoption, to each program. I think that reading everything you can get your hands on is the best way to start. Learn about the pros and cons of domestic vs. international adoption. Read about the different international programs- they all have different requirements and processes. Make a list of what will work for your family and what won't. Go from there, and see where it leads you.

Ditto. I'd suggest reading blogs of adoptive parents, birth parents, adult adoptees and anti-adoption activists. Get lots of POVs, keep an open mind and try not to make decisions based on emotions because there are a lot of things about adopting that have absolutely nothing to do with snuggling a baby against your chest.

[mamadebug]

We started out reading and researching everything we could find. We talked to people who were/are a part of adoption (adoptees, adoptive parents, a birthmom, a friend's mom who was an adoption social worker for years), we talked to a therapist who specialized in adoption (who gave us a few exercises to do that really helped us gain clarity on a couple of issues), tried to read as many different perspectives of all members of the triad as we could find, talked with our pediatrician....

As we were reading and researching, we started to get clearer about what kind of adoption we wanted to pursue - foster care adoption, domestic newborn adoption or international adoption. We pretty quickly decided against foster-adopt for a number of reasons, one of the main ones being that we had just been through a really hard time and did not want to deal with the uncertainty of foster care. We considered international adoption, but decided against it because it was important to us to adopt a young baby and because we would ideally like to have some degree of a relationship with the child's birth parents - which basically got us to domestic newborn adoption.

Once you know what kind of adoption you wold like to pursue, the next step is to start looking at different agencies...

[marsupial-mom]

Originally Posted by SundayCrepes

I was committed to the hard work of adoptive nursing and felt that was an important gift I could give a newborn that most other adoptive parents probably wouldn't give. To have adopted out of the foster system that is not an option.

That all depends on where you live. A few counties are progressive enough these days that breastfeeding by foster parents is not just allowed, it's encouraged. Breastfeeding reduces the chances of attachment disorder, so some counties encourage it. Every county is different.

We're doing foster-to-adopt. We chose this route because we feel it is the most ethical option available to us. We started training in June '09 and brought home a newborn straight from the hospital in Jan 2010. We are his adoptive placement and right it looks like adoption is the plan for him. Nothing will be finalized for many more months, but right now I'm very hopeful.

[RedOakMomma]

We adopted internationally. We live in a diverse area, love international travel, and felt like international adoption was the right choice for our family.

International, domestic, and foster-adoption are all very different, but I'd say all require some reading/research/etc. before committing. For international adoption, we first talked about where we had a desire to adopt. Then we looked at the programs: the stability of them, the ethics (was it a new, fast-paced program promising babies semi-instantly?...not good), the adoptive parent qualifications, and the health/records/birthfamily information given. You might be surprised at how many programs won't fit you as a family.

Eventually we lucked out and our original first choice, South Korean adoption, was a program that fit our family. We put in the initial application, completed our homestudy over the next few months, got our final homestudy/application in, and waited for about 15 months for the referral information of our daughter. Three months later we were able to bring her home as a 9 (almost 10)-month old.

There are a few things to be very aware of at the start of the process, I think. One is the impact of adopting transracially. It can seem a lot simpler in the beginning than it actually is, and it's not something to do lightly (that said, it's not something to avoid instantly, either). Read a couple of books on transracial adoption, or transracial families, and you'll get some good perspectives. Also, be aware when you're looking into agencies and program information that timelines shift a lot over time. Even if you started tomorrow, the agency you picked could quote you a 12-month wait and it could end up being an 18-month wait, or a 24-month wait. You just don't know. Avoid the agencies that are giving you a too-rosy picture (or at least ask for references and REALLY check up on the information).

There's so much more, too... going into adoption, I wish I'd understood more about the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents). I wish I'd not underestimated how important information on birthparents, or a relationship with birthparents would be--not just to our daughter, but to US. I wish I'd understood how incredibly important travel is in international adoption...escorting is still available, but it's generally regarded as a bad idea for the baby and a not-great idea for the family. I also wish I'd had a more realistic vew of attachment (it's not all AP sunshine and roses) and how it's different to bring a child into your family through adoption than it is to bring one into your family through birth.

There's a lot.

Take it one step at a time, take steps carefully, choose a reputable, socially-responsible agency, and you'll be fine. Good luck!

[loziermusic]

Thank you... lots and lots to think about.

What books, forums, places to start do you recommend? We have and know lots of people that have adopted and I will be speaking with them a bit. My SIL is 14 and adopted from Korea. She was escorted here and it wasn't a good thing... she still has some anxiety about men that they think was from the male escort who brought her over.

We're considering Korean adoption as one possibility as that would be something that is already in the family. : )

I would like to nurse the child... and it does concern me that the child may be a year old if we adopt internationally. Domestic adoption seems to be more tricky...

We are Christian so that should open up quite a few agencies... we're considering Bethany... any good or bad things about them?

Also, if we did get pregant my understanding is the process for adoption is put on hold? Can it just be started back up if that happens?

My thought is if it takes 2 years to be able to go through the process and adopt.. we may/may not have another child at that time. I'd love to have our children all be around the same age.

Carrie

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by loziermusic

Thank you... lots and lots to think about.

What books, forums, places to start do you recommend? We have and know lots of people that have adopted and I will be speaking with them a bit. My SIL is 14 and adopted from Korea. She was escorted here and it wasn't a good thing... she still has some anxiety about men that they think was from the male escort who brought her over.

We're considering Korean adoption as one possibility as that would be something that is already in the family. : )

I would like to nurse the child... and it does concern me that the child may be a year old if we adopt internationally. Domestic adoption seems to be more tricky...

We are Christian so that should open up quite a few agencies... we're considering Bethany... any good or bad things about them?

Also, if we did get pregant my understanding is the process for adoption is put on hold? Can it just be started back up if that happens?

My thought is if it takes 2 years to be able to go through the process and adopt.. we may/may not have another child at that time. I'd love to have our children all be around the same age.

Carrie

I'm not an adoptive parent, but my 2 brothers were adopted from Korea. My parents were told that my mother would never be able to have kids, so I was a complete and utter shock to them! But a good one. Anyway, about adoption being put on hold if you get pregnant - maybe not! My parents completed their homestudy, found out my mom was pregnant, and then got assigned a baby! He came home at 3months, and I was born 3 months later! Then a few years later my parents adopted a second baby, from the special needs list (he was born at 32 weeks, but never had any problems - was on the sn list b/c of unknown's regarding being a preemie). My younger brother came home when he was 7months.

Ask the agency you are working with what would happen if you became pregnant during the process.

[lyra1977]

Please take what I'm about to say as information, offered with respect, not intended to incite controversy.

South Korea is a country that is wealthy enough to easily provide resources and homes for its orphans. The adoption program there began after the war when there was a real need for homes for orphans, but today the adoption program only continues because there are families in the US who want to adopt an infant from Korea, and Korean adoption agencies make money from the adoptions. This is one of the kinds of ethical dilemmas you might encounter in an international adoption.

Regarding Bethany, we initially worked with them but had a bad experience. We spoke to a rep over the phone, asked a few initial questions, filled out the app and mailed in a check and then found out that the rep had given us misinformation and we were not eligible for the program we applied for (and paid a non-refundable deposit for). It took 2 months to get the check refunded and they gave us grief about it (and had to review our case in a committee meeting before the refund) all because we got misinformation over the phone. It was really annoying. The problem with an agency like BCS is that they are so huge and bureaucratic. We ended up using a small, local agency run by one social worker and it was so much more personal and straight-forward. And Bethany would have been more expensive than our agency was.

And, yes, with our agency she would put everything on hold if we had gotten pregnant, but fingerprinting and background checks would have to be re-done and you would need a homestudy update since your household would have changed due to the arrival of the new baby, so you would incur some extra costs when you went to resume the adoption. For our agency the update cost is around $500.

[EFmom]

I disagree with lyra1977's comments about the reasons for S.Korean adoptions, but do your own research and come to your own conclusions about any program in which you are interested. The factors surrounding adoption programs can be quite complex.

You mention that you know many people who have adopted. You may have an adoption support group in your area which can be a great source of information. Some types of adoption do vary geographically, so having local resources and contacts can be helpful.

In terms of having an adoption be put on hold due to pregnancy, that's usually what happens. However, it's not so straightforward as to say it's just a temporary pause that then resumes. For many adoptions, all the documentation that you collect and the processes that you endure are time sensitive. So, in fact, it may be more like starting over again, with the primary advantage being that you know the ropes better the second time around.

[Polliwog]

There's also a sticky with a lot of good information.

BTW, I also disagree with lyra1977's comments about South Korean adoptions.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by lyra1977

Please take what I'm about to say as information, offered with respect, not intended to incite controversy.

South Korea is a country that is wealthy enough to easily provide resources and homes for its orphans. The adoption program there began after the war when there was a real need for homes for orphans, but today the adoption program only continues because there are families in the US who want to adopt an infant from Korea, and Korean adoption agencies make money from the adoptions. This is one of the kinds of ethical dilemmas you might encounter in an international adoption.

With equal respect, this is not the case as we've researched it and experienced it. South Korean adoptions still exist because of the social order in Korea, and, until a new law took effect in 2008, the inability for a child to have a family (last) name or family history/register when he or she was born out of wedlock.

Being a single mother is incredibly shameful in that society, and though that is changing, it is still the norm. Also, raising a child that is not of your family's bloodline is shameful in that society--and though that is changing, there is still a big resistance to the idea of South Koreans adopting children. Also, being an "orphan" or being an adult/child without a family register were, until VERY recently, perfectly good reasons for being shunned by good families, good schools, good job opportunities, and good marriages. Without connection to a family head/"hoju," a child is essentially a nobody.

This has all changed (legally) only in the last couple of years, and it will take many more years until Korean society adjusts to the new legal status of single women, single-parent families, and adoptees. Thankfully, it is a goal that seems to be in the public eye in South Korea, and I am hopeful that the need for international adoption will decrease--legitimately, not just in reduced international quotas--over the coming decade.

For more information, look into the Korean Hojeok/Hojuk, the Korean Family Registration Law, and the role of Confucianism in the status of single women and orphans in South Korea. Remember, a generation ago South Korea was an impoverished, developing nation. Though now they are completely developed and very economically successful, in many ways the beliefs and values of the society harken back to a much smaller, agrarian, conservative time. Confucian values still have a hold on the psyche of many/most Koreans...it's not just about being economically successful.

[RedOakMomma]

What books, forums, places to start do you recommend?

I would check the resource sticky at the top of the forum. If you have more questions in a specific area, or want some blogs/specific information, come here and ask.

We have and know lots of people that have adopted and I will be speaking with them a bit. My SIL is 14 and adopted from Korea.

We're considering Korean adoption as one possibility as that would be something that is already in the family. : )

That sounds like a great idea to me. Is your SIL someone who would interact regularly with your kids? Growing up with an older "KAD" (Korean adoptee) could be really beneficial to your child. As you do more research and reading, you'll probably encounter that again and again. Kids seem to do better if they have people in their lives who have/will/do experience the world in a similar way. A lot of adoptive parents, like myself, have to search out adoptive family support groups, or Korean-American groups, to find that kind of connection. Having that important of a connection in your own family is great.

I would like to nurse the child... and it does concern me that the child may be a year old if we adopt internationally. Domestic adoption seems to be more tricky...

It's not impossible to nurse a child who is adopted internationally. There was a mom here who had success nursing an older infant once she started putting maple syrup on her nipples! I tried to nurse dd, but in the end it was not a part of our growing relationship that, at the time, I felt deserved all the work it was requiring. Instead, I had her drink the breastmilk I'd pumped/saved in "bottlenursing"...which, as a mom who has loved her nursing relationships, I have to say is almost as wonderful. Bottle nursing, or cuddling up and making eye-contact while holding/cuddling/feeding your child, is wonderful.

Also, if we did get pregant my understanding is the process for adoption is put on hold? Can it just be started back up if that happens?

Yes, it can, though most countries will want your bio baby to be at least a year older than a child you adopt. In South Korea, I've often seen 18 months as the desired spacing. Ds3 (bio) and dd (adopted) are 18 months and a couple of weeks apart. We started the adoption process when ds3 was almost a year old.

I know it's not easy to hear, but there are VERY, VERY good reasons for this spacing/no pregnancy requirement. An adopted child has gone through a lot in their young life. A lot of loss, a lot of movement, a lot of transitions. It's something that takes quite a bit of effort to overcome...on the part of the child and the parents. If you have another young child, it's a lot harder to help your adopted child through the process of grieving, adjusting, and bonding. Disruptions, where an adopted child is removed from the adoptive family after coming home, are more frequent when there is another baby or a pregnancy in the adoptive family. It's VERY hard to bond with two children, especially if your adopted child is having trouble.

I've seen some pretty tragic situations where, I believe, a mother with good intentions adopted a child and had another baby shortly before or shortly after the adoption. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy/birth hormones, or if it's the exhaustion of pregnancy/newborns, or if it's just the natural turning-inward women do when they're about to have a baby or protecting their newborn, but it seems like it's been hard on families to balance a newly adopted child and a young bio baby. I would not attempt it, even if *sometimes* it can be done well. There is research on this, and disruption numbers (I don't have either on hand), and that's why the agencies or international programs--the reputable ones--make you pause for a while for each new child. Every child deserves a period of time when their needs are the most important....and with an adopted child (not to mention the adoptive family), that time period is crucial for attachment.

My thought is if it takes 2 years to be able to go through the process and adopt.. we may/may not have another child at that time. I'd love to have our children all be around the same age.

It's a nice thought, and I started out thinking the same thing, but really...spacing is very important when it comes to adopting a child. Look into "artificial twinning" in the adoption literature. There are families where it happens, and people make the best of it...of course it can work out well. In general, though, it's discouraged. It can be hard on the children, and hard on the parents, and really...when dealing with all the challenges of adoption and attachment, agencies and families usually want to avoid any difficulties that are preventable. That's why they look to have a stable family, a happy marriage, good finances, and children who are spaced in such a way that the new child can be the family's focus...while everyone, baby included, attach and bond.

[loziermusic]

Thank you that's very helpful... perhaps we'll do the research, figure out the options and try to get pregnant for a year... then table the adoption process till if/when we get pregnant the bio child is 18 months...

It's so hard to know how long to wait though because if I can't get pregnant... it's so much time that's been delayed.

: (

[lyra1977]

No problem, I know there are people who disagree. It's just that we particularly looked at S. Korea when we started our adoption process because we have some personal ties (we fostered 2 S. Korean boys for a year while they were in the country learning English at a local college) and when we looked into it we decided against it. But in the end we have an open domestic adoption so we are no experts on international adoption. Peace.

[tiffani]

I think a lot of folks who have been in your shoes would advise not trying to adopt until you're sure you want to adopt more than you want to have a bio baby *at this time*. You can always try to get pregnant later on, after your adopted child is home, but if you're in the process of adopting, that should be your focus. Unless, of course, you don't mind getting started while not preventing pregnancy, and possibly having to re-do a few things if you do get pregnant. It's a pain to re-do stuff, but it is so much easier the second time, and far less overwhelming. There is a lot you can do to get started, and then if you get to the point where you're waiting for a referral, you could prevent pregnancy in whatever way you might do that, if you do that at all, and then resume trying to conceive after your adopted child is home and settled.

I was planning to nurse our little ones, and re-lactated twice while waiting for kids to come home, but the first time we hit a dead-end with our country of choice, and the second time I ran into several issues (will post again later with details and more about independent international adoption but we're out the door...) and had to let my very ample supply go. I am a little sad that I won't be able to nurse our bubbas, but it's the right choice for our family not to. more later!

[mamadebug]

Great post, RedOakMama about Korean social structure and adoption.

About Bethany, I would be wary. All that I have learned about them (and Gladney - another large Christian based adoption agency), from a number of different sources, made us feel like they use guilt and coercion to pressure the pregnant moms to give up their baby when they start to question their decision. Obviously, you want an ethical adoption - and I feel it isn't ethical if someone is pressured into making a choice.

[RedOakMomma]

Originally Posted by tiffani

I think a lot of folks who have been in your shoes would advise not trying to adopt until you're sure you want to adopt more than you want to have a bio baby *at this time*.

I think this is well put. I've also seen it said that you should pursue the baby you want at this time. So if you want a bio baby, do that. If you want a baby through adoption, do that. Whichever baby you have in your heart, go for it. Pursue that child with all your heart.

Yeah, the timing often stinks (I hear you on the uncertainty!! We decided to go for a bio child first, but ttc took a year longer than we thought...meaning our adoption process--planned for the next child--was also delayed by over a year).

Of course, you could try ttc during the early stages of having an adopted child, then just postpone a referral if you get pregnant. There are complications to doing that, though (and on the mainstream adoption boards, I've seen it happen a few times):

1. If you're ttc and adopting, some people have said it's hard to mentally bond with the future adopted child. And in this family-building structure, it can make the child seem (to outsiders, family members, even our emotional selves) that the adopted child is the second choice, the back-up. Not good, generally...especially when arriving to adoption after fertility issues.

2. If you're ttc and adopting, and having a bio baby doesn't happen, when do you stop trying? When do you let go? Only at referral of the adopted baby? Some estimated time before the referral? One, adoption timing isn't that easy. Two, can you tell how you'll feel if you have to set that dream of a bio baby aside? Will you be mourning a loss just as you're expecting to rejoice in the referral of your adopted child? Will the adopted child be enough?

3. If you're ttc and adopting, and you get pregnant close to the time when you'd get a referral....it is HARD to do the right thing. By that time you could be fully emotionally bonded with the idea of adopting a child. The child feels real to you, and you have to let go. I've seen a couple of people in this situation, and in both cases they were devestated at having to opt out of the adoption process. Based on what they shared, I think some of them struggled with the idea of hiding the pregnancy, or bargaining out some "solution" with the agency (again...not in the best interest of the child to have a newborn while adopting).

In my own experience, we had to do something similar to this. Our second-oldest son died when we'd been waiting almost a year for the referral of our daughter. Making that phone call to postpone our adoption was HORRIBLE. Yes, it was the right thing to do, but the selfish part of me wanted to find a way around it desperately.

Of course, you might find that you can balance ttc and adoption. If you feel you can do that, and your agency/social worker knows you're doing that (and approves, and feels your family can handle it), then maybe it's something to consider. I do believe you should be open about it, though.

However long it takes you to have your next child in your family, I don't think you'll regret the timing. Our family has taken all sorts of twists and turns, some very painful or tragic, and yet I'm so thankful for the children we have. Even if they were a year or more "late." Even if our spacing isn't what we thought we wanted. Even if we had to push the pause button due to unforseen circumstances. We adore our kids, and they were worth the wait.

[tiffani]

I just wanted to add that there is a lot of controversy about artificial twinning, and much of it I agree with, BUT... I think it can certainly be done successfully, if this path you're on leads to that. I think you have to go over and above ensuring that your adopted child NEVER feels second to his/her "twin" -- I have seen a few families where the mama was nursing the bio baby but not the adopted baby, and I always wonder how that happens, how it makes the adopted child feel (or how it will make them feel down the road) -- someone casually mentioned on their blog recently how much they enjoy going into their "twins" room in the morning, saying good morning to them both, and then scooping up the bio baby to nurse in their special chair while the adopted baby plays in his crib. At this point in time, that is what's working for this family, but I can't help but feel that on a subconscious level this mama is communicating to the adopted baby that he is second. maybe she has tried to nurse him, maybe she is actually nursing him but doesn't want to be public with it, I have no idea. Maybe after nursing her bio baby, she puts bio baby back in her crib and takes adopted baby into the special chair for special cuddles/feeding... who knows, and I'm not going to assume what their dynamic is like, but it does illustrate to me how VERY CAREFUL you have to be not to send signals like that to your adopted child, especially if they are adopted transracially. Just because they are used to being ignored doesn't mean you can get away with leaving them to wait because your more demanding bio child is louder! so yes, many tricky issues involved with artificial twinning, but if I found myself in that position accidentally, I wouldn't delay my referral, if the timing was going to work out alright. I would just be hyper-mindful of how I interacted with my babies. If I were adopting an older baby or young toddler, however, I would probably delay the referral if I was going to have a newborn baby just before or just after the toddler came home. It can be done, but would be hard, I think, and a little more risky, in terms of being able to attach to your adopted child while parenting a tiny baby. If they would be really close in age, though, I think it would actually be easier than say a 6-12 month age gap.

just my .02!

again, rushing, so I'll share our adoption saga later...