UPDATE (#15): Not feeling it. What's new. Eh?

[Oriole]

Haven't felt this depressed over my relationship with DSD in a while.

DSD's mom, who doesn't call, rarely (about once a month, if that), picks dsd up for a few hours, doesn't pay CS (but did buy several condos last month), doesn't know dsd's teachers names, or how well she's doing at school unless we make time to tell her, hasn't taken her to any of her appointments in 3 years (with one exception), the one who changed dsd's room to a guest room the month dsd moved out, told her "she has a life, and will not pick her up on the weekends". Well... She gets an "I love you", flowers, and a warm fuzzy card.

Me? Not much. Not a thing. When an aunt prompts dsd to tell me Happy Mother's Day on the phone, DSD pauses, and replies with "eeeemmmmmmm.... no."

There. Insert a depressed, jealous me.

[Zarie]

Originally Posted by Oriole

Me? Not much. Not a thing. When an aunt prompts dsd to tell me Happy Mother's Day on the phone, DSD pauses, and replies with "eeeemmmmmmm.... no."

There. Insert a depressed, jealous me.

Ooohhh I know how you feel, our kids mother was actually here part of the day on mothers day and I got "our" kids to try and say happy mothers day to her, and trying to do some silly things/explanations you do for moms on mothers day. Not even a Thanks, let alone a happy sort-of-mothers-day from her, the kids, or my fiance.

My stepfather said something to me later that evening... sort of a happy almost mother not quite but doing well at it anyway's day! Made all the difference, even though I know Im not Mom, never want to be, I do all the 'Mom things' for the kiddies when theyre here and it sucks we never get so much as a wee thanks... thanks for taking care of me when daddy was sick, thanks for feeding me when daddy had no money, thanks for loving me even though its been hard for all of us, thanks for catching me that time that mom or dad werent able to.... *irrational rant*

It hurts like crazy doesnt it? knowing that no matter what you do, you will still be invisible nxt to her on certain days. All I can say is as your DSD grows older, her feelings are likely are change

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by Zarie

It hurts like crazy doesnt it? knowing that no matter what you do, you will still be invisible nxt to her on certain days. All I can say is as your DSD grows older, her feelings are likely are change

You think? I'd assume 17 is old enough to see things. Maybe not. Just overwhelmed with sadness today.

[violet_]

Happy Mother's Day, Oriole!

Hang in there.

[violet_]

I'll add that I get no acknowledgement either, but since they don't live with me, it stings less. And anyway we discourage it. We have a separate day for me in the summer that's [Violet_]'s Day and I get the royal treatment. Takes the edge off of today.

[Purple*Lotus]

I am so sorry, that must really hurt

[Oriole]

Thanks everyone.
It's really nice to have this place where people can relate and sympathize. I have a lot to be grateful for and happy about in my life, and it feels wrong to complain. But today left me feeling empty a bit. I kind-a hope this will pass soon.

[yokosmile]

I am sorry. That sounds hard. : (

Your SD's reaction isn't surprising though. Since her mother isn't a good mother, she'll be all the more defensive of her. It's a defense mechanism for coping with her mother abandoning her.

It's just complex psychology. Maybe looking at the situation with that in mind will make it more bearable. Your SD will eventually figure it out; 17 is still really young. I am sure she appreciates you even if the issues involving her mother prevent her from showing it!

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by yokosmile

It's just complex psychology. Maybe looking at the situation with that in mind will make it more bearable. Your SD will eventually figure it out; 17 is still really young. I am sure she appreciates you even if the issues involving her mother prevent her from showing it!

I am very certain that DSD feels like she betrays her mom if she shows me that special kind of affection. Most days, I remember it, believe it, and accept it for what it is. Today, I'm having hard time seeing it.

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Oriole

I am very certain that DSD feels like she betrays her mom if she shows me that special kind of affection. Most days, I remember it, believe it, and accept it for what it is. Today, I'm having hard time seeing it.

I'm sorry Oriole. I wish you were my girls' step-mama... they should be so lucky.

Not that it excuses the cold behaviour in any way, but sometimes a card & flowers can be given in an attempt to garner a response. As in, her mother doesn't show her any love or attention - maybe this will work?

My mom always tells me that children behave the worst & treat the ones they love/feel comfortable with the worst - because they know that person will be there no matter what, kwim?

Deep down your dsd knows that you are a rock of love for her, and that her behaviour won't chase you away. It hurts awful, and it sucks - but I believe it to be true.

Happy Mother's Day from one mama to another

[mi.birthdoula]

Just wanted to stop by and send lots of I know it stinks sometimes and all we can do is just do the best we can with the situation sometimes...even though it doesn't make it sting any less.

[jstpmm]

My mom told me I never really appreciated her as I should until I became a 'mom' myself. Your DSD will realize.

Not that I wasn't a horrible child but I gave her many head aches.

[BelovedK]

Oh Oriole, I am sorry you are hurting. It sounds like you are building a solid relationship with SD, have built a good relationship. I know you know the deal, the psychology and all... It is still hard to deal with the pain and feeling left out even though you know why it is unfolding that way

[Kindermama]

I never appreciated my stepmom until I became a mother myself. Let go of expectations. We love without expecting love in return (I know firsthand that it's easier said than done/felt) Happy Mother's Day!

[Oriole]

Sometimes I think she reads this.

Today, she offered to take me out to get my nails done, and was talkative in a good way, sharing way, as if she was trying to make up for yesterday.

Thank you everyone for everything. It's so much easier to go through these ups and downs with you.

[aricha]

It really is a hard balancing act to be a step-child. I have four amazing parents who have always loved me and made sure I knew I was free to have a close and loving relationship with all of them. My mom often reminded me to call my step-mom on mother's day or asked if I wanted to do anything special for her. I had the best divorced-parent and step-parent relationships imaginable.

AND even this year, as an adult, when I was writing Mother's Day cards, I felt funny about writing things too much the same on their Mother's Day cards just in case (though it would never ever actually happen and I know that perfectly well) my mom ever saw my step-mom's card, I wouldn't want her to feel slighted that they were too much alike.

I always feel like I need to make sure my mom gets just a little more acknowledgement (whether I call her first, give her the mushier card, get her a little gift, whatever)... even though she would never actually know the difference. I feel it on Mother's Day and every other gift-giving day, even if I get over it when it comes to the actual gift-giving.

I couldn't imagine spending Mother's Day with my step-mom and not with my mom, even though I am close to my step-mom and I have never ever ever been given even the smallest hint of a message that it would hurt my mom's feelings if I did. I just imagine that it would, so I wouldn't even think of doing it.

All that is just to say that even in the absolutely BEST of circumstances, having a mom and a step-mom can cause a lot of internal conflicts and strange feelings of loyalty and protectiveness for your mom. I can only imagine that if I'd gotten any hint that my relationship with my step-mom was hurtful to my mother, or that sharing mother's day would hurt her feelings, it would be a really tough conflict for me... and who knows how I would try to handle it. The best thing you can do (and I'm sure you did) is not to add to whatever conflict your step-daughter is already feeling. She'll figure it out, even if she's an adult when she does.

I love violet's idea of a step-mom day in the summer, as it helps to remove that conflict altogether. Maybe your step-daughter is starting her own tradition of having a special day together with you the Monday after Mother's Day where she can acknowledge your special place in her life.

[Oriole]

Originally Posted by aricha

I The best thing you can do (and I'm sure you did) is not to add to whatever conflict your step-daughter is already feeling. She'll figure it out, even if she's an adult when she does.

I love violet's idea of a step-mom day in the summer, as it helps to remove that conflict altogether. Maybe your step-daughter is starting her own tradition of having a special day together with you the Monday after Mother's Day where she can acknowledge your special place in her life.

I really didn't say anything to her, only to DP. And today surprised me so much that I actually asked DP if he talked to DSD, because I wouldn't want him to bring this up to her. He swore he never mentioned to DSD that I was sad last night. It makes today so much more special to me, because I KNOW she was not guilt-tripped into this. I KNOW it came completely from her, for whatever reason - whether she felt bad for not acknowledging me, or just wanted to do something fun together - either way, I enjoyed every minute of it.

[VocalMinority]

!!

My only (kind of) consolation to you is that, by so many accounts, girls her age are often mean, unappreciative, inconsiderate and difficult to deal with for their actual mothers...you know, mothers who can be relied on to stick around and care and do what you need, no matter how much of a self-centered brat you are this week (or this year)?

That your SD takes you for granted and feels safe showing her worst side to you, but she tends to give BioMom her best, most lovingly-demonstrative behavior (or else Mom won't care enough to see her) shows what the true relationships are, under the surface, don't you think?

Hang in there.

[Zarie]

Originally Posted by aricha

All that is just to say that even in the absolutely BEST of circumstances, having a mom and a step-mom can cause a lot of internal conflicts and strange feelings of loyalty and protectiveness for your mom. I can only imagine that if I'd gotten any hint that my relationship with my step-mom was hurtful to my mother, or that sharing mother's day would hurt her feelings, it would be a really tough conflict for me... and who knows how I would try to handle it. The best thing you can do (and I'm sure you did) is not to add to whatever conflict your step-daughter is already feeling. She'll figure it out, even if she's an adult when she does.

So well said, and often forgotten. Its hard sometimes to manage internal feelings. Ive just embarked on a great relationship with 'biomom' (hate that word but easy to write), and she has been great with listening and understanding, more than any of us could ever expect, and it somehow - it still hurts thats while she is a great mom, and im just the step mom, and i know this, but it stilllllll stings a bit when you realise the lack of celebration for our own givings to our fabulous families.

I know there is a greater opinion out there that says ' well you ARENT a parent!'. We are all very much parents. We may not be 'mom' or 'dad' but we are special in our own ways and we give sometimes just as much as the one of the 'real' parents of our kids.

I think Aricha, your post showed me exactly what I needed to hear in regards to conflicts the stepkids may feel (and Im a stepkid too!) and really put things into perspective for me. Maybe, One day, they will decide on their own to do something special in their own way, in a way that doesnt conflict with removing a bit of that specialness from their mom, and Thanks to you I will sit here and have some hope for the years to come!

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Oriole

You think? I'd assume 17 is old enough to see things. Maybe not. Just overwhelmed with sadness today.

FWIW, I was in my twenties (and a mother...) before it suddenly started to dawn on me: My favorite aunt wasn't necessarily more fun or more loving toward me or closer to me than my Mom, even though I had believed that, for years. Growing up, my aunt never had to deal with me when I didn't do my homework, or snuck out of the house, or smarted off, or failed to say thank-you, or walked around in a funk for a week over nothing, or had a complete meltdown because I had "no clothes" to wear to a party. I couldn't let my hair down and act like that, around her. But I did, with my Mom. Moreover, if my mother had bought me everything I wanted and agreed with almost everything I said, like my aunt, I would have turned into a spoiled brat. My aunt did that - and I turned out OK in spite of it - because she wasn't the one raising me. My Mom was... even when I was a jerk. (You, of course, would be the Mom in your own scenario and your SD's Mom, the fun aunt.)

No, 17 probably isn't old enough.

I read through the other responses and I'm glad your SD seemed to want to make up with you.