Help me ladies

[2lilsweetfoxes]

My 9 year old daughter got a note sent home because she had "disrespected" her teacher for me to sign. Then she did not show it to me and signed my name to it. I need to come up with appropriate consequences--other than wall-to-wall counseling--to drive home the seriousness. I could cancel her birthday party in 2 weeks, but don't want to go there. I've already paid for everything.

[ElleTwo]

While I understand the impulse to give your child the works for this infraction, 2lil. I would suggest that you take a look again. I was the kid that did things just like what you daughter did when I got into my tweens/teens. In general I was pretty good, however my parents were heavily punitive when I did get in trouble. and did not realize I think, how sensitive and emotional a child they had, one who was really dependent on the approval of other people. All this never really got addressed, and rolled into a big ball that followed me into adulthood and still causes me problems.

Let the school issue stay at school as far as punishment. If she got caught forging the note, they will have a punishment I would imagine. At home, back up and found out what the situation was with the teacher, and more importantly what made her decide to not show you the note, was she afraid? etc In the long run, building the relationship will help her much more that a one time puishment.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

She did get caught. Her teacher called me this morning about it. My husband is really the one who wants to see the consequences. He does have a habit of flying off the handle at things like getting the "I was misbehaving at school" notes. I told her teacher to resend the note home and that I'd handle it, punishment-wise. At least she's not at a school that does corporal punishment anymore. Her old school, she'd get paddled and maybe we'd get a note home. She probably thought she'd get grounded for the weekend and not be able to have her friend come over or that she'd have to endure a tirade from dad or me quietly asking her about the incident and making her think about what she did and what she can do differently next time. We are thinking about homeschooling her next year and do not think this school is a good fit, anyhow. Since the school year is almost over, she just needs to ride it out. Maybe she thinks that because she won't be attending next year, she can do whatever she wants. Maybe she just got locked in to her rigid thinking on something and can't accept that they both can be right or that she was wrong about something. As for consequences, I'm thinking of grounding her from the TV/Computer for the rest of the week--computer is easier because we already dumped the internet, do extra chores, write lines daily (she needs to work on her penmanship--it is atrocious), and until school lets out, we examine her bookbag daily.

[NettleTea]

If it were me I would not punish her for hiding the note.

Did you ask her why she felt the need to hide the note from you? Did you question her viewpoint regarding the "disrespect" that was supposedly done?

I'd keep in mind that we live in a society where it is okay to disrespect children right and left while at the same time DEMANDING that these same children 'show' respect for the adults.

Also, a lot of what children do that is considered disrespect is actually them demonstrating their preference and independence. And by all means THAT should be respected.

Keep the lines of communication WIDE open if you don't already.

If I may recommend a book - "Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves" by Naomi Aldort. If you are open to the things in this book then it has the potential to change your whole world...for the better.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by NettleTea

If it were me I would not punish her for hiding the note.

Did you ask her why she felt the need to hide the note from you? Did you question her viewpoint regarding the "disrespect" that was supposedly done?

I'd keep in mind that we live in a society where it is okay to disrespect children right and left while at the same time DEMANDING that these same children 'show' respect for the adults.

Also, a lot of what children do that is considered disrespect is actually them demonstrating their preference and independence. And by all means THAT should be respected.

Keep the lines of communication WIDE open if you don't already.

I agree with this. Also I've seen children get in trouble for disrespect when all they are doing is trying to explain a situation. Do you have any idea what really happened? It's not good that your 9 year old DD is afraid or embarrassed to be honest with you. You need her trust during her teen years because she will really need your guidance and support then.

I think the consequences of your DDs lack of trust should be a long talk about how she can trust you and always tell you everything and if she's in trouble you will help her figure out the best way to deal with things. If you and your DH want to have any influence over her choices during your DDs teen and young adult years when she will be around so many dangerous and risky choices you need to start building some trust.

[LynnS6]

Another way to approach this:

What can she do to make amends for being disrespectful to her teacher? What can she do to earn your trust back.

For the teacher: Could she write a note of apology?


I know that you're kind of in 'punishment' mode right now, but can you take a deep breath and think about what you want your daughter to learn from this? For me, the biggest thing would be the breach of trust. What can she do to earn back your trust? She is going to have to think of this along with you.

For me, the appropriate consequence of hiding a note to the teacher is that the teacher sends me an e-mail every time s/he sends home something, and then I ask about it. Or she has to show me everything in her 'take home' folder.

So, I wouldn't cancel the birthday party, but I would perhaps restrict her freedom until she demonstrates that you can trust her again. For my 3rd grader, that would mean me checking his homework after he's said he's done it, checking in daily with the teacher, calling the friend down the street to make sure that he is where he said he was, etc.