House sharing with BF.. your thoughts?

[AllysonB]

XH and I have been separated for a year now. The kids and I have been living by ourselves for that whole time. Now though, due to a circumstancial change, money will be even tighter than ever before. To the point where we cannot afford to live without a room mate. BF and I have been together for 6 mths. and he is a "good guy". We have plans for our future and I have the intention to one day marry him (we have talked about this). So now the dilemma is how would this affect the kids? If BF and I were to house share, at this point he would have his own separate room. The children would not see us sharing a bed, etc. We both agree about the moral aspect about living together before marriage and we are trying to figure out how to go about this. I just wanted to add, that if I had a better financial arrangement this would not be on the table, but because I am and this seems to be the best of the options I have. I just need to help figure this out.

[NolaRiordan]

I think this is a bad idea. I think you need to look for a different room mate. This seems like it would really complicate things for your kids and for your relationship with your BF. Sounds like you are not divorced yet? If not this could look bad for you if there are any issues of custody as well.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I also think you should look for another roommate.

[AllysonB]

I guess I'm not seeing WHY this is such a bad idea. I'm not a rash person and am not making this decision based solely on emotion. I have weighed the options that I have, and have even tried to see about another room mate, but I guess since I will HAVE to have a room mate, why a complete stranger is better than my bf?

[meemee]

i am not sure why you even need to have seperate bedrooms. i mean he is your boyfriend.

however i would say this is a bad idea too - because you are not ready for it. you wouldnt do this if you werent forced into this situation. what happens if things dont work out for BF and you? plus what about your kids getting used to BF and then you breaking up. we do 50/50 ourselves but my best friend - a boy is like a second daddy to my dd. my dd would miss him terribly if he disappeared from our lives. he comes over when dd is sick to cheer her up and she literally feels better while fighting with him.

i think jumping from dating to living together when its not what you want is not a good idea.

when there is sexual tension - how do you keep it apart. dunno. i cant imagine living with my bf.

[Theia]

Speaking from my own experience, if I wouldn't move BF in except for financial circumstances, then I wouldn't move him in right now. Lovers and finances don't mix well, especially since it sounds like you and your DC have had quite a year of change and adjustment already. I would be worried about any potential custody issues as well as the relationship not working out then your DC lose another person from their home.

I would reconsider. A different roommate would be better in the long run because the lines would be clear for your DC that this person is only a friend/roommate and not a potential parenting figure. You've only been separated for a year, and six months of a new relationship wouldn't be long enough for me to be ready to move a lover/BF/fiance into my home with my DC especially if the main driver is financial. And especially if the legal aspects (which you don't mention) aren't fully settled. Just my 2cents.

I'm sorry your having tough times financially. Have you thought about seeing if you could post your budget in F&F to see if anyone there can help you make the adjustment with out taking such a drastic step as moving a BF in?

[KalamazooMom]

Agree with the others:

1. If you aren't even divorced yet this is going to look really bad if there are any kind of custody issues. Too big a risk.

2. If you have him around the house the kids are going to get attached to him. It just happens. And then if you decide that things aren't going to work out after all your kids will get hurt. Again, too big a risk.

3. Your X has only been out of the picture 6 mos from what you say. This is WAY too soon to introduce another father figure into your kids lives.

4. You've only been dating 6 months. It's way too soon to think about living together. Puts a lot of pressure on the relationship and a lot of complication. Why be in a hurry? Take time to get to know each other before taking this step.

It can't be that difficult to find another roommate.

[MissLotus]

I think it's a bad idea because your kids have already been through the upheaval of divorce, very recently, and you haven't been with this person long enough to be sure of him. So moving in so early on - especially with young kids - could create a lot of tension that your kids don't need if things don't work out. Plus it would be awkward to have a new/different man living with them again so soon.

I did the "living with boyfriend" thing in lieu of a roommate, as well - before I was a parent. I totally get what you're saying that at least it's not a stranger. But that also means that, even if you had separate bedrooms, your children will certainly recognize that the dynamic between you is personal, so will more likely get attached themselves.

It's just way too early in my opinion, with or without kids. Some people don't even introduce a significant other at this point - I think moving him in is extreme.

[AllysonB]

Well let me clarify a few things here. XH and I have been separated for a year. He lives in another country (military) and did not take a particularly active role in the kids lives anyway. This is the second time we've been separated, the first being a year long. We are getting a divorce, that is not a question. Second, I am interested in moving in with my BF, but I do agree that it is soon to consider, it's only the financial aspect that is making me entertain the idea sooner. He has already been introduced to my children and spends a lot of time with us all. He is a part of our lives. Also, why I said we would have separate rooms is because we both agree that couples should not "live" together before marriage, and don't want to give a bad example to the kids, but this is a sticky situation. There isn't a custody issue, my XH is not wanting to have custody of the children.

[KalamazooMom]

Sounds like you've made up your mind, and you're looking for permission at this point. I think there are many good reasons that have already been listed why this is potentially harmful for your children and therefore not a good idea. I'm not trying to be rude or mean. I've just seen this kind of thing go bad, despite all good intentions, and the kids end up getting hurt.

[*MamaJen*]

In general, there's still too much you don't know about a person after six months. If you have been dating for a couple of years, that would be one thing. But there is a lot that can go wrong moving in with a boyfriend that quickly. If you break up, it could likely get chaotic for everyone. If you decide you want to break up, it makes it really difficult. If he starts treating you or your children badly, you're not in a good position. I've just heard way too many stories of bad outcomes in situations like that. It could work out fabulously, but it's a gamble, and it's a gamble that you're drawing your children into.
IMO, it would be better to get a roommate. The lines are clear, there's less at stake. It's the smarter thing to do. I've lived with boyfriends before, and I really believe that six months is too early to move in with a boyfriend in any situation, but especially when there are children involved.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by AllysonB

Well let me clarify a few things here. XH and I have been separated for a year. He lives in another country (military) and did not take a particularly active role in the kids lives anyway. This is the second time we've been separated, the first being a year long. We are getting a divorce, that is not a question. Second, I am interested in moving in with my BF, but I do agree that it is soon to consider, it's only the financial aspect that is making me entertain the idea sooner. He has already been introduced to my children and spends a lot of time with us all. He is a part of our lives. Also, why I said we would have separate rooms is because we both agree that couples should not "live" together before marriage, and don't want to give a bad example to the kids, but this is a sticky situation. There isn't a custody issue, my XH is not wanting to have custody of the children.

To me it sounds like this BF might even be a rebound relationship. I'm not against rebounds - but if you were only separated from your XH for 6 months before you started dating BF, and now you've been together for 6months, I would say wait.

And, since you've said that you don't believe in "living" with someone before marriage, you should stick to your beliefs and not move in with him. Even having separate bedrooms, when your under the same roof its hard to keep "apart" (I know, I've been there). Nothing will set a better example for your kids than you following your beliefs.

[AllysonB]

No, my mind hasn't been made up, but I was leaning more towards doing it. I want what's best for all involved, but mainly what's best for my children. I want to do the right thing and set a good example. I do agree it's soon for this, but I guess I needed to give more thought and get more input. I am going to try harder and find a room mate even though my standards are high and around here it's likely I will only get responses from college kids. Well thank you ladies for the input, and wish me luck on finding that perfect fit for a room mate.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by AllysonB

No, my mind hasn't been made up, but I was leaning more towards doing it. I want what's best for all involved, but mainly what's best for my children. I want to do the right thing and set a good example. I do agree it's soon for this, but I guess I needed to give more thought and get more input. I am going to try harder and find a room mate even though my standards are high and around here it's likely I will only get responses from college kids. Well thank you ladies for the input, and wish me luck on finding that perfect fit for a room mate.

I think you might be able to find some pretty awesome college roommates! Those are the least likely to be bothered by noise, and we all know children aren't exactly quiet all the time! And if you find one with similar ideals to yours, it could work out quite nicely! I honestly would say, lower your roommate standards before moving in with a BF. Keep an open mind, ask for references, and be up front about your expectations!

You could also look into moving into a smaller space, have kids share rooms and what not if that would make it easier.

Good luck!

ETA - Theia's post reminded me that not all students are "traditional" students - some are in their mid to late twenties or thirties even, and are studying for a career change. You could look for a "non-traditional" student.

[Theia]

You never know, you might find a student that is studying early childhood education or something similar and living with a family would in a way give her/him insights into children that might be helpful for studies. Not all college students are hard-core party types oozing hormones and other things you wouldn't want around your DC.

[LoveOhm]

While others have given you reasons you should not live with your BF I want to give you some reason why a third party roommate is a good option for you and your children.

Having a third party roommate builds up your "village" for you and your children. Second only to finanical security/stability I think having a support system/village is one of the top two items the separates single parents who survive and who thrive! It gives you another adult who will have the opportunity to become part of your team, someone to chat with and possibly lean on. It gives your children the chance to build a relationship that is not tied to romantic strings with you, a chance to see what it is like to have a healthy housemate and potential friendship. This roommate can be male or female based on your preferences. Also I want to add that students are GREAT options!!! Perhaps you can work out a deal where that pay a slightly reduced rent in exchange for babysitting X number of hours per month