Help with my 8 year old

[hjdmom24]

I have always wanted to be a gentle, kind, happy, non violent parent and for the most part I am. I love my kids...all I ever wanted to be was a mom. They have beyond the norm behavior problems which I'm sure is related to my inconsistent parenting and issues with their father.

The issue that is the worst for me right now is relating to my 8 year old son Jaquan. He can drive me to say and do things I swore I never would. At home he has to be the constant center of attention and has big dreams of starting his own buisness and going to expensive hotels...the problem is he wants to do them TODAY...RIGHT NOW. He spends day after day begging and pleading for the same impossible things and it drives me nuts...partly because I don't know how to help him acheive those goals but wish I could and partly because I don't like that he is so money driven.

Another reason we don't get along is because he is a do-er, as in here's my idea let's get up and do it NOW. And I am a procrastinator and like to think about and plot things out first.He also seems to do well with alot of structure (he is a model student in his public school) and i am a free spirit and although i have tried to set structure for him I can't seem to stick with it and he expects me to be along side him every step of the way so i have to be doing anything i expect him to do.

Some of his other behaviors include screaming a high pitched scream just to get people upset. When he gets real upset (about every other day) he runs around the house throwing and breaking things. He will totally ignore any requests i make of him and I often have to physically drag him to the car just to go anywhere. He really seems to enjoy getting his siblings and me to react to his behavior and it is really hard not to.

I love him but don't know how to connect with him. He stomps in the house afterschool looking for a fight. He bullies kids i babysit for. He gets mad at signs of affection and will push me away if I try to hug him and he will tell me I know you dont love me. It breaks my heart but i understand why he feels that way..he gets big angry reactions from me...more so then his siblings. I don't know why but he just brings out a side of myself that even I am afraid of. I know his behavior has alot to do with my reaction...I just don't know how to pull it back and reverse the way things are and still keep everyone safe from his outbursts at the same time.

I guess i need some tips on what I can do..within myself to accept who he is and my shortcomings as his parent? He is a bright,creative soul who i know could become someone great...and i am afraid I have stifled that in him.

[daisymama12]

Originally Posted by hjdmom24

I have always wanted to be a gentle, kind, happy, non violent parent and for the most part I am. I love my kids...all I ever wanted to be was a mom. They have beyond the norm behavior problems which I'm sure is related to my inconsistent parenting and issues with their father.

The issue that is the worst for me right now is relating to my 8 year old son Jaquan. He can drive me to say and do things I swore I never would. At home he has to be the constant center of attention and has big dreams of starting his own buisness and going to expensive hotels...the problem is he wants to do them TODAY...RIGHT NOW. He spends day after day begging and pleading for the same impossible things and it drives me nuts...partly because I don't know how to help him acheive those goals but wish I could and partly because I don't like that he is so money driven.

Another reason we don't get along is because he is a do-er, as in here's my idea let's get up and do it NOW. And I am a procrastinator and like to think about and plot things out first.He also seems to do well with alot of structure (he is a model student in his public school) and i am a free spirit and although i have tried to set structure for him I can't seem to stick with it and he expects me to be along side him every step of the way so i have to be doing anything i expect him to do.

Some of his other behaviors include screaming a high pitched scream just to get people upset. When he gets real upset (about every other day) he runs around the house throwing and breaking things. He will totally ignore any requests i make of him and I often have to physically drag him to the car just to go anywhere. He really seems to enjoy getting his siblings and me to react to his behavior and it is really hard not to.

I love him but don't know how to connect with him. He stomps in the house afterschool looking for a fight. He bullies kids i babysit for. He gets mad at signs of affection and will push me away if I try to hug him and he will tell me I know you dont love me. It breaks my heart but i understand why he feels that way..he gets big angry reactions from me...more so then his siblings. I don't know why but he just brings out a side of myself that even I am afraid of. I know his behavior has alot to do with my reaction...I just don't know how to pull it back and reverse the way things are and still keep everyone safe from his outbursts at the same time.

I guess i need some tips on what I can do..within myself to accept who he is and my shortcomings as his parent? He is a bright,creative soul who i know could become someone great...and i am afraid I have stifled that in him.

There is a lot going on for you and your son, but I had a thought about the part that I bolded.
Could you get him to make a business plan? I'm sure you could find a simple template online.
That would provide him with some structure and a goal. If/when he completes it, could you find another adult to take a look at it, help him improve it, and break it down into manageable, realistic steps? Maybe that would be an outlet for his creativity and drive, and help him build a positive relationship with another adult, like an aunt, a teacher, a neighbor, a colleague, etc.

The other thought I had would be for you to read the 5 Languages of Love of Children , that describes how we each give and receive love. I haven't read it, but have heard only good things about it, it's on my list of books to order.

And finally, it sounds like your son is exhibiting some really challenging behavior and I think anyone would have a hard time with it. I would not blame yourself for it at all...

[hjdmom24]

Thanks for your response daisymama. The buisness plan is a good idea *I* need to learn how to network better on his behalf. Thanks for the reminder about the 5 Love Languages..I read it a few years back and loved it..guess its time to skim it again for a refresher.

[ssh]

He's old enough for counseling to be helpful. The way he can realize his dreams for success is to do well in school and work hard to learn as much as he can. There may be a local mentor program where you live so he could have contact with someone who does what he wants to do. You can also tell him that successful people learn to control their actions when they are upset or angry. Screaming and breaking things undermine his goals in life. They aren't the behaviors of the type of person he wants to be.

[LynnS6]

I wonder if some family counseling would help. Some kids are harder to work with, and an outside observer might help you figure out what works with him.

Does he have an allowance? He's at an age where that would be helpful for him to learn to manage his money. If he's asking for impossible things, ask him to work out a plan for achieving it. 8 year olds look 'old', but they aren't very sophisticated.

Two organizations that might be something that he would like, and might be a place where you can hook him up with a mentor of some sort.

Junior Achievement: http://www.ja.org/

4H: http://4h.uwex.edu/about/join.cfm#do

When my cousin was in high school, he joined DECA http://www.deca.org/ (it doesn't look like they have anything for younger kids).

A book that might help you is: Nurture by Nature, which talks about temperament and temperament mismatches.

I wonder too, if doing a learning style inventory yourself and with him might help. It sounds to me like you're a more reflective observer and he's more of an active experimenter. They're more or less polar opposites, so it's going to be hard. (http://www.businessballs.com/kolblearningstyles.htm has a decent explanation of the styles that I was talking about.)

Finally, one of my favorite books is: The Challenging Child: Understanding, Raising and Enjoying the Five "Difficult" Types of Children. Two of the types are "The Active/Aggressive Child" and "The Defiant Child". He might fit into one of those (I've got the "Sensitive Child"). I love this book because it sets out a plan for first connecting with your child and second managing problem solving.

[hjdmom24]

Thank you lynn that was alot of helpful info. I am a reader and surprisingly have not heard of that book so I will definitly check it out. We have done counsling because of my older son...they have come into my home. But the method they wanted to me to use was basically to take everything away from him and make him sit in his room. Not helpful in our situation.