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Anyone else? NOT "conceived in love?"

post #1 of 56
5/10/10 at 9:11pm
Thread Starter 
I realized the other day that his baby was NOT conceived in love. Do I love dh? Yes, but he was a rather unwilling participant since I was charting and demanding certain days of him..

My other kids were definitely conceived without that type of pressure.. this realization is making me a bit unhappy.

Dp is very adoring of my baby belly and talking to her and everything (he is very excited about her NOW) but the whole trying for a baby together bit wasn't working out that way really.. I mean we decided to have another baby together before we did conceive, but he kept acting like the whole deal was such a chore.. he even admits it.

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post #2 of 56
5/10/10 at 9:26pm
Oh yes, dh laughs and laughs and the biggest joke amongst all of our friends is how after 2.5 weeks of every other day trying dh "accidently" "hurt" his back at the gym and could no longer perform from the extreme pain (eye roll here)...thankfully I ovulate early and we had already conceived. We planned for this baby (our second) like crazy people! we knew almost 2 years ago that this past fall we would start trying and hope for a summer baby. Dd was conceived in the throws of passion during some period in the first 3mths I had even met hubby so for us this was VERY different lol.
I will never think, and refuse to ever think that this baby or my dd were conceived in anything but love. Dh and I love each other deeply and we love both our children even more then they will ever imagine. Will this child be any less special or loved because she was not a surprise? nope. Did her conception mean any less to us? nope, it was actually looked forward to with loving anticipation and hope. Did dh and I dtd because every other day for 2+ weeks because we passionatly needed and wanted each other? lol..not a chance, but for us dtd is still a physical manifestation of our love for each other whether or not both of us were compeltely in the mood to begin with is inconsequential in my mind.
I think its just a matter or changing your thinking. I do not believe that I will ever dtd with hubby and "know" that in that moment I conceived a child, I simply am not that type of person. For us we conceived this child in love, because we wanted her, anticpated her and looked forward to the time when she would be conceived...whether she was the result of a romantic roll in hay or if she had been an invitro baby she still would have been conceived in love...
post #3 of 56
5/10/10 at 10:13pm
These babies were probably conceived with me demanding that my DH drop trou and do his duty. I distinctively remember yelling "I HAVE A CHART!!!!" I'm not upset about it though. We both wanted a baby. I just happened to be the one charting and holding him accountable. I agree that a change in perspective might be good.
post #4 of 56
5/10/10 at 11:42pm
With our second, she was conceived because I was going "We have to do it every other day! It's an OTHER day!"
post #5 of 56
5/10/10 at 11:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by phathui5 View Post
With our second, she was conceived because I was going "We have to do it every other day! It's an OTHER day!"
*snort* Our husband's should form a support group.
post #6 of 56
5/10/10 at 11:46pm
my first 2 kids were conceived that way.. this one was a surprise.. don't beat yourself up over it.. ttc is hard, i hate it, my DH hates it.. but you do what you have to do to make a baby in a timely manner
post #7 of 56
5/10/10 at 11:49pm
And you know, there are all kinds of way to show love. Sometimes love is sucking it up and doing something even though you don't necessarily feel like doing it.
post #8 of 56
5/11/10 at 12:05am
Quote:
Originally Posted by annettemarie View Post
And you know, there are all kinds of way to show love. Sometimes love is sucking it up and doing something even though you don't necessarily feel like doing it.


we do it for them all the time (making supper, for example. I suck it up when Im super tired just to make DF happy lol)
post #9 of 56
5/11/10 at 12:06am
Our first was HUGE surprise, as in... we had been dating like 2.5 weeks when we found out (oops!!) LOL but our second and third?? Definitely something along the lines of "No we can't have sex today, we had sex yesterday... every other day from the time my period starts!! why can't you remember that?!?" DH think it is funny and doesn't mind... it only took us one cycle each time to get pregnant so it was only a couple weeks of me pestering him about our sex schedule.
post #10 of 56
5/11/10 at 1:13am
DD was conceived one evening that DH still speaks fondly of... passionate love, sexy evening, etc.

DS was conceived on CD #17. I was using ovulation predictor strips, and e-mailed DH at work to tell him that he'd better clear his schedule for the next several evenings, and he better be ready, because he had work to do! This was our 7th cycle trying, so he knew the drill.

I think it would be neat and cool if every baby we have was conceived from a passionate love making session, but that's just not the way life works. I prefer instead to remember that on the day we conceived DS, we'd gone on a lovely 3 mile hike with our daughter and dog, and hence, didn't have much energy for a romp in the hay.
post #11 of 56
5/11/10 at 1:27am
This is kind of the reason I specifically didn't tell my husband, "We have to have sex today and tomorrow, I'm in my fertile period and my cervical mucus is looking awesome. Come on, let's go! Time for you to do your duty!" I didn't want him to feel like a sperm donor. As far as he knew, I was just turned on a lot!
post #12 of 56
5/11/10 at 2:04am
"This is kind of the reason I specifically didn't tell my husband, "We have to have sex today and tomorrow, I'm in my fertile period and my cervical mucus is looking awesome. Come on, let's go! Time for you to do your duty!" I didn't want him to feel like a sperm donor. As far as he knew, I was just turned on a lot!"

lol That's me too.
post #13 of 56
5/11/10 at 4:31am
It's honestly never occurred to me to be bothered by it. DD was "whatevered". It does bug me a little that I can't remember the exact occasion she was conceived... I was pregnant 6 weeks plus before I found out. It seems like an occasion that momentous should be remembered, you know? But... oh well! I'm sure it was, um, nice.
post #14 of 56
5/11/10 at 4:43am
All 3 of the babies I conceived were due to my saying, "It's time-let's do it!" My dh wanted it to be more mysterious and romantic, but frankly, I'd be charting my cycles for over 5 years before we started ttc my first in order NOT to get pregnant. I knew exactly when the time was ripe and I couldn't just pretend I didn't know where I was in my cycle, ykwim? So, no, it wasn't romantic but they were all conceived with love.
post #15 of 56
5/11/10 at 5:37am
Pino- all that really matters is that your child is loved and wanted and you REALLY did try hard to get her so she was conceived in love in my opinion. You might not have orgasmed or whatever during sex but who cares, your baby is what you wanted, not an orgasm! As for your DH, it sounds like he really wants the baby and will love it and loves you so in that sense this baby was conceived in love.
post #16 of 56
5/11/10 at 6:13am
DS was conceived after 2 years of trying and nearly 7 months of fertility treatments, the twins after a year of trying and on the 4th month of treatment. There is nothing romantic about being told by a nurse when you have to have sex... (phone rings) ok DH, she said i should O w/in 24 hours that means sex tonight, tomorrow and the next day... and oh, excuse me while I go give myself the shot that will make sure I O... ignore the bruise on my stomach from that...

That said, even tho it wasn't a magical special romance novel night makes our children conceived no less out of love. Because we love each other and shared in the desire to have children we went through the hell of fertility treatments. That makes the decision to have children one out of love.
post #17 of 56
5/11/10 at 8:50am
I really don't think it makes much of a difference how the sex went down that made your baby. What matters is that you both want this baby and are excited. This is a baby that is loved and wanted, and is all that matters.

I thought you were going to be posting more about an "oops" ... which is what happened with us for this baby. I have been ready for another, but dh was not on board. I was charting fertility signs to AVOID and we had a clear conversation a few days before "prime time" about him needing to use protection. Well, we had a fun night out with friends, and drinks, and .... yeah. This one was conceived. Sure it was a fun, passionate night but it's not like we made beautiful love and this little one was planned. Dh was shocked and to be honest, upset at first.

But we love eachother and he is getting excited about this baby. I've never once felt sad about how this baby happened. I believe everything happens for a reason and this baby is a wonderful blessing, yes, out of love.
post #18 of 56
5/11/10 at 9:47am
ds1 and ds2 (twins) were oopses, conceived in a quickie.

ds3 was after almost a year of charting/acupuncture/etc.

this baby was after several cycles of charting.

NONE of our babies were "conceived in love" the way you're portraying it, but to me they were ALL conceived in love. Dh and I love each other. Deeply. None of these babies would exist without that. And yeah...even with the strict timing of charting and TTC, even if it's a routine/chore/whatever...your dp is still participating because of a shared goal, a love for you, a love for your family...that's love. It's nothing to dismiss. Honestly, anyone can have a passionate night of sex...it's something much bigger to work together to plan a child and a family.
post #19 of 56
5/11/10 at 9:48am
Quote:
Originally Posted by mistymama View Post
I really don't think it makes much of a difference how the sex went down that made your baby. What matters is that you both want this baby and are excited. This is a baby that is loved and wanted, and is all that matters.
What she said.

Your child was conceived in love, even if the "love" part of the evening was planned.
post #20 of 56
5/11/10 at 9:54am
This baby was conceived in "Do I have to use a condom?" "Nah, I ovulated over a week ago" and the postive pee stick a couple weeks later wasn't received much more romantically.

If you love each other, the baby was conceived in love in some sense. I don't think any of us want to know what our parents were thinking while we were conceived. At least I sure as hell don't
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Mothering › Mothering Discussion Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › I'm Pregnant › Anyone else? NOT "conceived in love?"