I'm losing it..please help :(

[silverspec02]

I just am breaking down so badly right now..and I am looking at my poor son and I can tell he is so lost as to whats going on with his mom. He looks so sad and confused and hes only 7 weeks old.

Im crying so bad right now, like I did when I lost my mother 5 years back. I feel like I made such a mistake with having a baby, like Im not meant to be a mother, that itll never get better, I wont ever sleep, that Ill never be the same again, that my husband will leave. On top of all this, I think I am getting addicted to painkillers. Not taking them 24/7, just one a day for the past couple weeks now, but if I miss a couple days, I get terrible withdrawals. Only reason i take them is they make me feel sane and happy for a few hours. I feel like such a bad mom now..how can I be so selfish?

Its just so hard when any family you have lives on the other side of the country.

Ive taken steps to help myself, Im looking for a babysitter to give my husband and I time off and me a chance to sleep a little while my husband is at work. I saw my doctor and she gave me Paxil and Ativan..Im only on day 4 of these medications. Im looking into getting one on one therapy and group therapy.

i just dont understand the medications..they make you drowsy, yet you cant sleep, how will that help? Have any of you ever had to get a full time babysitter while you were recovering?

Please tell me itll get better. I dont want my husband to have to worry anymore and take days off of work because I cant do it.

[always hope]

Firstly I want to say that I have been exactly where you are and I could not see that anything would get better. But I can tell you that it really will. I had a homehelper with me everyday for 3 months and it was wonderful. Hard to have someone around all the time but great cause all I had to do was feed my baby and she could do the rest. I don't know the medications you are on but I would recommend seeing a psychiatrist who can monitor your treatment. It took about 6 weeks for me to start feeling much better. I was put on an antidepressant and also an antianxiety medication which helped me sleep. I weaned myself of the antianxiety meds after about 3 weeks as they are addictive and by then the antidepressant was helping a lot. My DH had to stay home a lot at the beginning. He won't leave you but I remember being sure mine would.

What helped me the most was my doctor telling me that my brain chemistry was $%^&$ so it wasn't my fault and to think of it like having any other illness. You need treatment and rest to get better.

Your wee babe will be fine. If you can get treatment then you will be so much better before he can be impacted by it. Are you breastfeeding? If you are then keep going as it really helps with attachment for you and your son and also helps you to relax.

You will be okay and it will get better but you cannot do it alone and will need lots of help. That doesn't make you a bad mom. You are ill and it is not your fault.

Lots of love to you and please let me know how you are doing.

[sg0306]

Know how you feel...

I can't offer you much help except to tell you that when I read your post it sounded as if I had written it myself. The only difference is my mother hasn't passed away, and my baby is my second child. I'm a stay at home mom, and I feel like every day I fail my 3 year old and the baby. I am in such a downward spiral of depression. I don't know how to pull myself out of it. My husband travels 3-4 days per week for work, and I'm only happy when he is home. When he is away I feel so overwhelmed with the kids. I've been on wellbutrin for 3 weeks now, and I thought it was starting to help, but this week has been bad. I just feel so alone in the world...like you, my extended family is across the country. I, too, have taken painkillers at times that I don't need...they provide me with momentary happiness and the energy I need to take care of the house and do the things that I should be doing. I have no appetite, and I used to spend hours running/working out, and now I have no desire to do anything physical. If you figure out an answer, please share. The only thing I know to do right now is talk about it, cry, and just go through it. I hate this empty feeling.

[nola79]

Don't have much time to reply just wanted to offer some support...I have been exactly where you are when my son was born. It DOES get better! Hang in there mama, you are not a bad mama, you are taking steps to get well, you will get through this. I know how hard it is, please take care of yourself.

[Isamama]

I am so sorry you are in so much pain! You ARE a good mama! You are taking steps to get better. I know where you are, I have been in similar circumstance. Honestly, it does get better, but it does take time. Getting help is awesome. Not sleeping totally messes with a person and makes everything harder.

Wishing you peaceful rest and know that you are not alone on this journey. Motherhood is really tough for some of us. Big, healing hugs to you!

[Dandelionkid]

Welcome to MDC SG306. So sorry you are in the same bad place as the OP.

Originally Posted by sg0306

I can't offer you much help except to tell you that when I read your post it sounded as if I had written it myself. The only difference is my mother hasn't passed away, and my baby is my second child. I'm a stay at home mom, and I feel like every day I fail my 3 year old and the baby. I am in such a downward spiral of depression. I don't know how to pull myself out of it. My husband travels 3-4 days per week for work, and I'm only happy when he is home. When he is away I feel so overwhelmed with the kids. I've been on wellbutrin for 3 weeks now, and I thought it was starting to help, but this week has been bad. I just feel so alone in the world...like you, my extended family is across the country. I, too, have taken painkillers at times that I don't need...they provide me with momentary happiness and the energy I need to take care of the house and do the things that I should be doing. I have no appetite, and I used to spend hours running/working out, and now I have no desire to do anything physical. If you figure out an answer, please share. The only thing I know to do right now is talk about it, cry, and just go through it. I hate this empty feeling.

[wookie]

it WILL get better, OP, believe that. although it doesn't seem like it'll end right now, it WILL. in the meantime, whenever it all gets too much, try to get out of the house even just for a little walk up the block. you won't feel like it, you might even not be dressed enough to go out (i used to hang out in my bra and pj's for a few weeks pp) but throw a top on and just go (with the babe of course). don't think about it. feed him and go. it'll make you feel tons better. i hope. mothering those first few weeks i SO lonely and ovwewhelming. you'll find your groove soon and won't even remember these days. that's the beauty of mommy brain

[Surfacing]

I'm sorry you're going through such pain right now and having such a difficult time. I have been there. I hope you keep dialoguing with your HCP and your husband about this. Depression *is* a treatable illness and things will get better. This is just a small chunk of your whole time on this earth. It WILL pass. Getting help early can help shorten the length of the episode.

[TBJT]

Hello. I've lost it now too myself with the meds, the sleep, and all the energy lost trying to get myself back. This all started I couldnt sleep for NO REASON with pounding heart and just went on and on. Don't feel guilty about the meds and don't feel bad if your son sees you upset. Babies have more understanding than you think. If you feel that you may be dependent on the pain meds, don't stop talking to doctors until you find the pill that's right for you. Nothing helped me except Clonopin and ambien for sleep. It's a pain in the butt going around to all the doctors but you can't give up because there are better medications out there that will work for you. If there is anyone that can take your children for even a whole week, it would really do amazing things for your system. No matter what it takes for you to get yourself back on track, you must do it. The kids will be ok and you'll be able to take care of them better too, once youve healed. Remember, there are also hospitals you can go for rest if it gets to that point. This is nothing to feel bad over. I came close to checking myself in, and just the very thought of surrendering gave me some relief knowing it was an option. Instead I found the right medications because I wouldn't give up. Do not feel like youre not a good mother! Everything you need to do right now is ok. Good luck to you and don't give up.

[BreatheMama]

I just want to say, be easy on your-self. You mentioned your mother’s death and I know a new baby is a great but at the same time you may also be bringing up the grief response. There is loss when a new baby comes into the family: loss of previous identity, loss of control, loss of the ideal and acceptance of reality the list goes on and on. It is so challenging, feel accomplished and worthy with little things, nurture yourself (cup of tea, put lotion on your feet).

Also just wanted to touch on the painkillers, that is exactly what they do.. Numb the pain, the more you can let yourself feel the pain and let it move through you, and then you'll have more room for joy and peace. Don’t feel guilt, if you need one today fine, it's not for ever. Just feel the pain, its hard and sad...life. But the sun will shine again. I have been there and feel for you sister.

[LynnS6]

I was where you are 9 years ago. 9 years later, I've got a healthy, happy, well-attached child (and a second one) and I'm glad I'm a mom. But, those first few months were hard. Very hard. But there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel.

It sounds like you're doing some good things to help. A support group is a great idea. I would look into getting a sitter or a postpartum doula. My dh works from home, so I had 'full time' help when I needed it. I'm glad I had it.

If they make you sleepy, are you taking them at night? I'm on Paxil and I take it at night for that reason. You shouldn't take Ativan and co-sleep, but right now, your health is more important than co-sleeping. Once you're able to sleep without the anti-anxiety meds, it'll be better. Really. Really.

Hang in there.

[neveryoumindthere]

:
You *are* doing it. My main suggestion is be around others. Don't isolate yourself.
Sing upbeat songs, draw, paint, or whatever other creative thing you like to do that connects you to your inner child, makes you feel light and carefree.

Those first days alone with a baby are tough, you went from taking care of just you to having someone depend on you completely, but you know the saying put on your oxygen mask first.

Get that babysitter in and arrange for her to come in everyday for a couple hours at least, give her a list and go have 'you' time..get moving too, off the couch, stretch your arms to the ceilingm it allows the brain to access all those positive feelings and helps you take in deeper breaths, makes a big difference!
It is an instant pick-me-up

You are an awesome mom, you are finding solutions, you are doing it!

s

[kandiwaggen]

Me too

Your post brought me to tears. I have a 5 and 7 year old and didn't have much more than mild baby blues with them. Now I have a 5 month old and the last few months have been horrible. I too have days where I think I made a mistake in having "just one more". We had such a good thing going and now I have this debilitating postpartum anxiety which makes me feel like a horrible mother not just to my baby but to my two older ones too. I thought it was getting better, but this week has been worse, which is why I turned to this forum and saw your post and had to respond. You need sleep and I think you should do everything and anything to get YOU well. If you can get full time help, go for it. You should be proud that you are recognizing the problem and are trying to do everything to get well. It will be trial and error but it sounds like you are on the right path. I too have been turning to pain meds here and there and am trying to be real careful with that. I'm also looking into finding some local group therapy. You are doing your best and it WILL get better.

[gwerydd]

To those of you who have posted with feelings of hopelessness and severe anxiety, Please do not be afraid to seek help. I have been there. 3 years ago I had severe PPD. I ended up in the hospital for a week when dd was 5 weeks old. It was so hard but I am so glad I admitted my self. I spent a week in hospital where I had people help me learn skills to cope and adjust to new motherhood as well as figure out what medications work best for me. Please do not be afraid to seek help if you feel things are getting out of hand. You are not bad mothers, parenting is hard and often thankless, especially parenting a helpless noob. please take care of yourselves and your babies and get help if you need it.

[Tenk]

I just wanted to respond here. I read your post the other day and could have written it myself. Seriously, exactly this. Then I looked on line for pain med withdrawals and they seemed exactly like what I had gone through, and went back to the Dr thinking I had mastitis and got more pain meds. Since you recognize what's going on, my advice would be to cut the dose in half and ween yourself from them slowly so you don't get sick. the last thing you want to do is get sick while taking care of your little on top of PPD. I hope it gets easier soon mama!!

[happyjuly3]

trust your instincts and get help

Hello - I just wanted to briefly share with you what happened to me in case it might give you some ideas to help you. After my 2nd child I had severe depression and lots of anger, anxiety and hopelessness. I shouted at my son (then a toddler) for the first time in my life. I would cry and crawl under the covers. I felt posessed. A post partum doula gave me a pamphlet on ppd and I was shocked to see myself in that description. My naturopath and husband had both missed it. Of course you feel crappy, you had a baby at 40and your husband travels every week. You just moved to a new city and don't know anyone, plus you have a toddler to care for. So my ND gave me a B12 shot and sent me on my way. My husband... lets not get into that. It took lots of work to get that demon out of our relationship.

The therapist I went to wanted to put me on Zoloft - which I wouldn't take since I was nursing and didn't believe them about it not affecting my babe.

BUT what NOBODY figured out until four years later has that I had Hashimoto's disease. An autoimmune disease where you body attacks the thyroid. The effects are very similar to PPD and often misdiagnosed. On the right medication your life changes. It is amazing and anger making that it took so long to figure out. I kept believe there was somethinkg underlying it all. I kept feeling like I just needed to get to the right person. I finally found a ND that specializes in thyroid and endocrine. I was severely anemic and had other mineral deficiencies.

I'm not saying this is what is happening with you, but don't overlook the bodies needs after growing, birthing, and nursing. Another product that helped me loads was the Mountain Meadow Herbs Hormone Balancing Formula. That got me through until I figured the other stuff out.

good luck. you will be ok. it is ok. take care of yourself.