How do you deal with holidays and ex inlaws? - Page 2

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by mtiger

I think part of the problem is identifying his family as yours. At the end of the day, they're not. They are part of your children's family, and that's where the boundary really should be kept. Not to say that you shouldn't be friendly, but it's time for you to pull back *your* relationship, and simply promote theirs with their son and grandchildren. And work on reconnecting with your own family - that lack of contact is not all his fault.

Completely, and totally disagree. So what - only family related by blood is 'real' family? That's ridiculous.

Family is built on effort, love and mutual trust. My 'ex'-ILs will always be family to me, not just by virtue of my children.

This is really sad advice to me - 'pull back your relationship'?

I'm so sad and sorry Sharlla, I hope they come to their senses and realize how immature and controlling he's being.

There are some really sad sentiments in this thread regarding exes and ex-families. I'm really thankful that despite the difficulties we all experienced (in my TWO families) during our divorce - that, for the most part, the relationships remained intact.

[bronxmom]

I agree that if you were part of a family for 11 years and had daily contact then it's unrealistic and unreasonable to expect that relationship to end just because the husband and wife are no longer married. I'm sure the relationship changes somewhat but that also depends on the nature of the relationship previously. I agree that if the son felt neglected or like he wasn't as important to his parents that that would be something to address - but not by issuing an ultimatum that their former daughter-in-law is cut out of their lives. I also agree that the new daughter-in-law to be should be embraced with open arms, but it seems like this is happening. It's not as if these grandparents aren't open to new people - they like the OP's new husband after all. Seems like they have room in their hearts for many people; it is the ex who is saying you can only love one person.

One of the things I love about my parents is that they retain a genuine affection for my ex (even though he's a very difficult person) and they make a real effort to invite him to family gatherings, to ask after him and to congratulate him on his successes. This makes me feel like they really respect the 10 years i built with him as well as the fact that he is my daughter's dad and as such will always be a part of my life. It is also to my current partner's credit that he is totally supportive and unthreatened by this. One wishes that everyone could be so adult; I think there would be a lot more functional, happy kids.

I really reject the idea that new families formed by parents who were previously married have to create their own strict boundaries and exclusivity. It seems like a very threatened and insecure position to take and doesn't seem like the best for children. Of course, we all do what we can and some of us just have a really hard time dealing with our exes, but I don't think that this should be raised to a principle. New families can flourish even when they maintain relationships and connections to old ones.