Refusing "Quiet Time"

[sunshadow]

My daughter just turned 3 and has been refusing to nap for me on and off for awhile now, but we always try to do quiet time. Now she is refusing quiet time. Quiet time for us is that we both lay in bed and read a few books and then cuddle. Sometimes she falls asleep sometimes she doesn't. She naps easily with DH, but not with me. I think that might have something to do with her baby brother since it's gotten worse for me since he was born.

Quiet time is at 2 every day. Lately when I say it's quiet time she freaks out and refuses to go into her room. I tell her she could bring toys to play with if she didn't want to read and that she doesn't have to sleep. Yesterday she cried and screamed for 37 minutes while I waited in her room. If I came out to tell her I was just waiting for her to come hang out with me in her room she just got more and more upset.

If she doesn't nap she is a mess. Bossy, throws tantrums, any little thing will set her off. Plus, she gets more aggressive with her baby brother. Quiet time doesn't really help her, but it helps me gather myself a bit so I am more able to deal with her in the late afternoon and evenings.

I guess my question is if there is another day like yesterday what should I do? Do I just let her scream and stick to the routine? Do I go to her and try and calm her down and forget about quiet time? Yesterday after crying for 37 mins she finally came into the room, but she was still acting hyperactive, so I took her for a walk until backup (dh) arrived home. She was at preschool earlier and imagine she was just really overtired and a walk risked making her even more so, but I didn't know what else to do. Thanks.

[snh6]

I'm interested to hear what others have to say about this too. I'm having the same problem with my daughter who will be three in June. I have a three week old and am exhausted so I would love if she would cooperate for nap/quiet time. Most of the time she will nap but lately it's nearly impossible to convince her to do anything she doesn't want to do. We're especially having a hard time with discipline. Time outs are useless now because she doesn't stay in time out and she won't stay in her room either. Usually her choice is to stay in her until she is ready to come out but instead she walks around the house screaming and throwing herself on the floor. I feel at a loss because I can't seem to enforce any consequences other than if what she is doing wrong involves an object and then of course the consequence is that it is taken away.

I would love some advice or at least to hear from others experiencing the same thing.

[ssh]

We stopped naps when my DD was 27 months. Have you tried a more interesting quiet activity like painting at the table? My DD was grumpy while she transitioned going to no nap, but fine once she got used to it. We had to drop them because she couldn't go to sleep unless she'd been up 8 hours so it wasn't working at all.

[sunshadow]

She doesn't sit very long doing activities and it's hard for me to keep up with that enough to keep her occupied with a baby. She refused quiet time again today and I let her play and she ended up on the floor screaming when she asked for water and I gave it to her. She is just unable to relax before she is out of control. Today I tried making sure she had enough good food and water to keep her going and she still lost it. I just don't know what to do. I guess hang on and enjoy the ride? :P

[nina_yyc]

Random idea....My DD would.not. nap if she was getting any kind of attention/distraction from me. Maybe she needs to do quiet time by herself? Yes, this one is tricky to enforce. I got my DD sold on this idea by insisting that quiet time has to go smoothly or she doesn't get her TV/computer time. Believe me, this one was tested. At first I insisted that *I* needed the quiet time and made it clear to her that she was not going to get any kind of attention during those 30 minutes. This did involve letting lego bounce off my head without looking up from my book and locking myself in the bathroom a couple times. After a week there were no problems.

Since the quiet time has proved to be non-negotiable, DD will now voluntarily put herself down for a nap if she's tired. Who knew?

[hopefulfaith]

QT at our house started when my dd stopped napping around age 2.5-ish, so I've BTDT. We have 30 minutes every day where everyone has to go in their rooms, doors closed, and hang out by themselves. (My QT is on the couch with a book/tea, which seems inherently unfair to my ds. ) I need a small break during the day so that I can be a good mom the rest of the day. The kids need a break from each other.

I found that age 3 is the year - for us, it has taken a year - where my dd will pop out of her room about 10 minutes into it and ask if we're done. I'm all about gentle redirection with this: "Nope, not yet! Back to your room!" I have found that they can handle QT better if there's something awesome to do there -- my ds likes to take his Playmobil knights/Legos in with him and play uninterrupted by his sister. My dd, when provided with an opportunity to "Go pick any toy you want from downstairs for your QT!", will race downstairs and get all random about it, and it's sort of like a prize to her. QT is also the time where I bring out stuff I don't always get down from the shelf -- Memory game cards, LeapFrog thing, etc. Novelty can get you some time.

I've found that it really takes persistence at age 3, but age 4 is much easier -- it really pays off then, I think, now that my ds is totally fine with 30 minutes (or even more, most days) of "enforced" time. ((I make it sound like I"m a drill instructor, but it's really quite friendly.))

Hang in there. It's totally worth it. I made QT non-negotiable and really, really predictable and consistent -- go to the bathroom after lunch and head to your rooms! -- and it has really benefited us. The kids are really "good at" spending time by themselves without being entertained by me, too, which has been a nice bonus.

Good luck!

[nina_yyc]

Also forgot to mention the key to getting her into her room in the first place...."Want to start off your quiet time with a story?" Works every time for my DD!

[thedenverduo]

Just wanted to second the novelty idea.

I take care of twin girls who are 6 and we have done quiet time ever since they stopped napping at 2.5. I think you should make a big production of it and say that you are starting "Feet Off the Floor" time (or some other silly name... this is what we call it though) where the only rule is that your feet may not touch the floor until the timer goes off (so either sitting/laying on the bed). I found that calling it something fun instead of naptime or quiet time goes a long way, and also that timers are amazing. For some reason, it becomes easier to accept if the kid is waiting for a timer to ding rather than for mom to decide to come in and say time is up. (You can always turn the timer off if they fall asleep).

You could even go to a thrift store and let her pick out some Feet Off the Floor toys that are ONLY allowed to be used during Feet Off the Floor.

Also, is there any chance of you starting QT earlier? Maybe try to catch her before she is overtired and cranky?

[The Amber Lily]

Our 'quiet time' is at 1 pm or so until just after 2 or 2:30. She can look at books or play with toys, but she must be in her room and reasonably quiet. She is pretty good about it on days that I'm at work, but it isn't usually as welcomed on days when I'm home because she just wants to play with me all day. She is willing though when we've had a good 'connection' time in the morning. It is expected, and we are very firm about it that when we tell her its quiet time, it's quiet time. If she tantrums about it, I'm tell her very loudly and firmly to be quiet, and she listens. I'm afraid even 20 min of tantruming/crying by my 3 year old would tip me over the edge, and she would get a serious scolding. It's not acceptable behavior to us, and she is at an age where her and I both know that she understands.

[sunshadow]

Thanks for the tips. I think we are just going through a tough time. She must be growing a ton because she is always eating and I wonder if some of this is blood sugar/developmental. She has always been Highly Sensitive. We have always read before sleeping or for quiet time and she is now saying she hates books, which makes me sad. She won't even sit on the couch and read with me anymore. We can't even look at a book in her room without a melt down.

I tried quiet time outside of her room yesterday and that went ok. She played on her own for an hour. Today it didn't work. I am afraid trying something new all the time is just going to make it worse, so I am not sure where to go from here. I like the silly name idea. I think I will try calling it something else. And quiet time only toys sounds great too. She bores of things so fast though and wants me to play with her. I just need some time to myself and time to devote to my baby. We are mostly tv free and I've even tried bribing her with a movie when quiet time is over, but a movie is kind of quiet time too. So, I don't know. That works some days, but not every day. Some days she isn't motivated by anything. She just wants me and I guess that means I should give her more time with me. Maybe it's just hard on her to have a baby brother.

I think part of me is worried about being too hard on her. It seems the more firm I am about things the more and more she resists them. She is just so very sensitive. So, I get confused. Hold to my guns and force the issue, or give her some flexibility. Maybe that alone is the problem. I just don't know what is "right".

[nina_yyc]

Sunshadow, first of all I am going to advocate for 100% consistency on this one. When DD is up against very consistent routines I get little to no resistance. When there is no set precedent or routine and DD and I don't agree easily, I find myself either negotiating every little thing or dealing with meltdowns. Try to stay focused on the same thing for 3 days and then see how you feel.

Why don't you get your DD to help you set the terms? Maybe quiet time is non-negotiable, but get her input on how much, where in the home, what she'd like to be doing, lights on or off, etc. Maybe she would like to go shopping for some quiet toys like puzzles.

[sunshadow]

I'll ask her what she wants. That's a good idea. I think I know the answer though. No quiet time!

I only get inconsistent when she starts to fight me. We have always had quiet time/nap time at the same time and we have always done it the same way. When she starts fighting me to the point that she is on the floor screaming for half an hour I start to question what I am doing and if it's worth it/right. Then I start trying a million things and wonder if I am just making it worse, ya know?

[mom2grrls]

Perhaps move quiet time up to right after lunch? Perhaps she is getting too tired by the time 2 pm rolls around and wants to fight rest/sleep even more.

[sunshadow]

Thanks for all your advice. We decided to try having a quiet time where she could play on her own for an hour instead of forcing her into her room to read. Today when I said "It's two o'clock, what does that mean?" She yelled "Quiet time!" and is playing quietly on her own. It took a few days for her to get the new routine, but I think it's going to work out just fine. Now, if I could just keep her from getting so fussy when she doesn't nap. :P I think having more snacks is helping with that, and time I am sure.

[ssh]

That's great you've found something that works. She'll probably get used to not taking a nap and become less grumpy after a few weeks.

[mouso]

We do quiet time here, too. We have a small house and it is baby nap time (and mama QT).
DD gets a warm barely-hot cocoa, books on CD, toys and her timer set for an hour. She is used to it by now and is usually good about it but does sometimes start to tantrum about it.
I just don't give in at all- she does get a bit of computer time afterwards and gets that only if QT is done with a minimum of fuss.

OP, I'm glad you worked it out!

[bluebirdiemama]

I am coming back here with pen and paper... I need ideas. My ds hasn't napped since about 2. I think he would be better about it but for the fact that he grows like crazy, and it wears him out.