Need a lift -- feeling the blue...

[Mamaluu]

I'm a SAHM with a 9 month old and pregnant (1st trimester now). I'm feeling down and I need a lift and some inspiration. There are a few things going on:

- Physically tired and and nauseated all day, so I end up staying home doing nothing, going through the motion, dragging my feet trying to get through the day, waiting for husband to come home to rescue me. Feeling tired, sick, and doing nothing all day make me depressed.

- Feeling very unattractive, heavy, not sexy, not myself. The pregnancy side of it is that I don't have anything to wear that makes me feel good - no longer fit in regular clothes and don't want to wear maternity clothes because I don't want to show I'm pregnant yet. I just don't know what to wear anymore. And even if I wasn't pregnant I'd still feel unattractive because with a 9 month old, I have no time and priority to maintain myself and make myself pretty (a shower is probably the most I get, and I shaved for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday). With very limited time, money, and energy, what do you do to feel attractive? This is quite important to me, feeling like this really brings me down. And I scare myself about how I have become this way...

- Don't have any energy to interact with & keep up with my son (9month old). He wants to go everywhere and touch everything, but he can't walk and can't do many things. I find it extremely difficult to entertain him in a very small apartment (with a dog at home so I can't even let him just craw on the floor freely). The floor is always dirty no matter how often I clean it (dog hair), and even if I clean up a spot and put the dog in his kenel for a moment, I still can't let him go anywhere freely because I have to watch so he doesn't fall & bump his head on hard floor. It just takes a lot of energy out of me to let him play at home safely. I think I should just take him out to places for more stimulation and fun, but again, I just don't have the energy... Even when we do go out, he can't stand staying on the carrier, stroller, or shopping cart for long; he gets bored. He wants to get down and do his thing, but it's not like he can really do much, or even walk... Anyways, I want to interact, entertain, stimulate him and pay more attention to him, but it just feels so difficult to me now.

- Feeling isolated - transitioning from ambitious career women to SAHM, I really haven't found any like-minded SAHMs who I can be close to. With my life situations & stages changing so fast, I really haven't had any real close, trusted friends in the last few years, and at this time I just don't have the energy & motivation to get out and socialize.

- Breastfeeding & the whole sleep regression with my son wears me out. The breastfeeding itself is ok if he just wanted to be fed. But many times, he wants to hold on to the boob and fall asleep with nipple in his mouth for a good half an hour (sometimes more) before he settles. I can't sleep with him on the nipple. All the pacifying and holding is sometimes making me feel very annoyed.

I'd like any ideas to help me get out of this rut...

[HappyMommy2]

I have found that staying in the house makes me not want to leave it even more. At least a couple days a week, just get out. It helps me to pick a place the night before and pack the diaper or snack bag.

I checked out all of the local malls, because those play places are free. That way if you have to leave after 15 minutes, at least you didn't waste any money! Also, if you go a couple hours before the stores open, your toddler can walk around all he wants and not get into trouble b/c all the stores have their gates closed. This helps you get a little walking (chasing?) too. (Malls open early for "mall walkers").

Also - get a reciprical pass for the kids museums in your area. Even if they are 30 minutes away, it is time that your kid is strapped in and you are not chasing! It is also a nice treat to get a latte and listen to the radio on the drive. Some kids museums are just play places, but the free annual pass makes it SO worth it!

If you get "out" first thing in the morning, it is easier. Also, try to do every other day, so you have some time at home (if you like or need that!).

Our Y is super cheap. And includes 2 hours per day of free daycare. I have even just sat in the hot tub instead of working out on some days! ? (oh, but not pg) You could at least hang out in the pool for awhile, or ride on the exercise bikes and get some TV time!

Baby proof your apt. and let him crawl freely! Who cares about a little dog hair, it won't hurt him. You will drive yourself crazy if you can't let the baby loose! Babies get a few bumps as they learn to navigate. You simply can't follow him everywhere and keep him from falling. He needs to learn not to fall! And the only way to do that is for him to practice!!

Wear maternity clothes that are comfortable, and screw what other people think! This is the only time you have a free pass not to worry about being fat!! :-)

You can try popping him off the boob, and saying we are just going to cuddle now. Or saying he can still hold the boob with his hand. That sometimes works with mine, but wouldn't work for all nurslings.

Perhaps a mama day, with a massage, haircut, mani/pedi, or whatever your thing is would help you get a pick-me-up!

Good luck mama!!

[kittywitty]

1.

2. Can you get some simple summer maternity dresses? Old Navy actually has a decent selection that are bf friendly, as well. They look cute. Next, find something that works for your hair-even if it's just a headscarf or bandana or mousse and toss it in really quick. Buy or make one nice necklace or earrings or something that makes you feel good-there are fabulous nursing necklaces that are baby safe, too. If you have time/energy even if you feel like you look like a train wreck, sweep on some mascara or blush or something that makes you feel good.

3. Read the No Cry Sleep Solution

4. Take a deep breath-the 1st trimester sucks, but your energy should return soon...hopefully. Even if not, go easy on yourself! You're pregnant AND breastfeeding AND a mom. Bravo! That's hard work!

Wish I could help about meeting other moms or socializing. I don't have either (not for lack of trying). Are there online mom groups in your area or a local LLL?

[Prairiemother]

I had a hard time transitioning from career to being a mom, too, and I felt really isolated for a long time. I found that I really had to get out, every day. I found a free playgroup through an internet search and I started to attend it. Also, just walking around outside helped bring some balance into my life. And when I got home from the walk I felt better emotionally and physically. And if I timed it with a nap then I could feel justified in sitting down to read the books that I had not had a chance to read while I was working. But it was a lonely time. Now I have three children and although I don't really have a much bigger social network I don't really feel lonely because there's no time for that That and I confess to not really being a SAHM - I work part-time but have aspirations of staying at home.

BTW, 9 months was a hard age for my babes - they seemed to be having issues with teething, mobility, development, you name it.... Perhaps your child is similar and it's just a bad combination with the fatigue of being in your first trimester. Hopefully in a few weeks you will have more energy and your baby will settle better.

On the bright side, I know two women who had their second child 18 months after their first and they found that the transition was not bad - by 18 months the oldest one was relatively independent but yet not old enough to be really jealous of the younger sibling. They had a busy time in the first year, but having the children so close together made it easy for them to combine activities.

[crunchy_mommy]

I am not even pregnant and I feel exactly as you describe so I can only imagine how being pregnant complicates things! One thing you will notice is very soon your 9mo will start being able to get around better... that stage was tough on me because DS wanted to be moving, crawling, cruising but was constantly getting hurt if I wasn't' right there next to him. Plus the sleep regression at that age... you are at a really tough point right now but within a couple weeks things should start to improve with sleep & mobility etc.

I would encourage you to get out of the house every day no matter how much you don't feel like it. My favorite thing right now is story hour (the last one is today though ) because someone else is in charge of the entertaining & I just have to keep DS calm, focused, & engaged. At 9mos I would also bring him to the park/playground and let him just sit in the grass/wood chips/sand and play with it. He loved it & all I had to do what make sure he didn't eat it. At home we spend a lot of time in the bedroom, it is the one room of the house that is completely 'safe' for DS (mattress on the floor, toys in the corner, etc.) so I would encourage you to set up something similar in your home. You need at least one space where you can sit & read/watch TV/rest while baby can crawl & climb & play without you chasing after him. We also read a lot of books, I guess I'm lucky that DS loves reading, so find something low-key that you can just sit in one spot and your DS will be happy for a while (if not books, maybe playing music or a special toy, or a DVD which I'm generally against but in your case may be a good option!)

I'm not sure I'll be much help on the 'not feeling attractive' front... Could your DH take the baby for a few hours so you can do something for YOU? Get your hair or nails done or even just take a long bath? I hated that stage of pregnancy where you're too big for regular clothes & not ready for maternity clothes... maybe you could splurge on one or two nice tops that fit NOW? Or check freecycle/thrift store for a few outfits to tide you over?

Finally, maybe join a mom's group (I am part of a great AP one on meetup.com) -- making plans with other moms FORCES me to get out of the house even when I don't feel like it, and I get the adult interaction I crave, and the activities are generally VERY baby-friendly so you're not stressed out about how to entertain DS.

[veganmomma]

I just wanted to give ya some **HUGS** I feel much like you do only my kids are 8, 7 and 3. They 3 yo is still nursing and I am exhausted and pretty down today too. I hope you can get some rest and gather some energy for yourself and both your babies.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by Mamaluu

I'm a SAHM with a 9 month old and pregnant (1st trimester now). I'm feeling down and I need a lift and some inspiration. There are a few things going on:

- Physically tired and and nauseated all day, so I end up staying home doing nothing, going through the motion, dragging my feet trying to get through the day, waiting for husband to come home to rescue me. Feeling tired, sick, and doing nothing all day make me depressed.

- Feeling very unattractive, heavy, not sexy, not myself. The pregnancy side of it is that I don't have anything to wear that makes me feel good - no longer fit in regular clothes and don't want to wear maternity clothes because I don't want to show I'm pregnant yet. I just don't know what to wear anymore. And even if I wasn't pregnant I'd still feel unattractive because with a 9 month old, I have no time and priority to maintain myself and make myself pretty (a shower is probably the most I get, and I shaved for the first time in 3 weeks yesterday). With very limited time, money, and energy, what do you do to feel attractive? This is quite important to me, feeling like this really brings me down. And I scare myself about how I have become this way...

- Don't have any energy to interact with & keep up with my son (9month old). He wants to go everywhere and touch everything, but he can't walk and can't do many things. I find it extremely difficult to entertain him in a very small apartment (with a dog at home so I can't even let him just craw on the floor freely). The floor is always dirty no matter how often I clean it (dog hair), and even if I clean up a spot and put the dog in his kenel for a moment, I still can't let him go anywhere freely because I have to watch so he doesn't fall & bump his head on hard floor. It just takes a lot of energy out of me to let him play at home safely. I think I should just take him out to places for more stimulation and fun, but again, I just don't have the energy... Even when we do go out, he can't stand staying on the carrier, stroller, or shopping cart for long; he gets bored. He wants to get down and do his thing, but it's not like he can really do much, or even walk... Anyways, I want to interact, entertain, stimulate him and pay more attention to him, but it just feels so difficult to me now.

- Feeling isolated - transitioning from ambitious career women to SAHM, I really haven't found any like-minded SAHMs who I can be close to. With my life situations & stages changing so fast, I really haven't had any real close, trusted friends in the last few years, and at this time I just don't have the energy & motivation to get out and socialize.

- Breastfeeding & the whole sleep regression with my son wears me out. The breastfeeding itself is ok if he just wanted to be fed. But many times, he wants to hold on to the boob and fall asleep with nipple in his mouth for a good half an hour (sometimes more) before he settles. I can't sleep with him on the nipple. All the pacifying and holding is sometimes making me feel very annoyed.

I'd like any ideas to help me get out of this rut...

I do not think you are in a rut, persay. I think it is par for the course. You are pregnant with a nursing 9 month old. I think you are doing really well. Stay kind, stay open, stay playful. Maybe steal away some time to journal, walk, or just go out by yourself if you can. I was not really able to get out by myself when my children were that young but I hear some women are able to.

[GreenMomPhD]

I felt like when I was in the first trimester of my 2nd pregnancy that I was so much sicker than my first time. All I wanted (or could) to do was lie on the couch and watch my daughter until my DH came home and hope she would be content to play on her own. I thought it would never end! But it did. I was sick until about 16 weeks, then I started to feel better and have more energy. You will too! Don't be so hard on yourself, it will eventually get better!

Do you have family around you or a friend that could watch your son for part of the day while you just relax and sleep? That might help. My parents live far away, so I made an 8 hour drive with my DD and our dog to stay with them and get some baby care for a few weeks until I felt better. It helped a lot.

[hopefulfaith]

I could have written your post a few years ago -- in fact, it sounds remarkably familiar! -- and I remember how hard life was for awhile there. I was pregnant with #2 when my ds was barely 5 months old, so I remember being exhausted for most of ds's first year. I did a lot of playing on the floor with him --- not because I was Mother of the Year, but because it felt sooooooo good to lay down at frequent intervals through the day. My son was a nursing fiend and slept like $%^& for the first year and a half, so I remember most of his early life as a big blur of non-sleeping and nursing 24/7.

I didn't have any friends IRL since I had just moved from a large town, where I had a wonderful career/dream job, to a small town for dh's job...where there was not only zero employment for me, but no other SAHMs or women my age to befriend. I got out of the house frequently - grocery store and post office! - and made sure I got up and dressed every morning, etc., etc., but I'm really just here to give you a hug -- it can be really hard...really hard where you're at at this time in your life right now, but I just wanted to tell you it gets easier. I love that my kids are spaced so closely now, and it really does get easier.

I made a point to get dressed every day/shower every day/shave regularly, because it made me feel better. My maternity clothes didn't fit well and my weight was a whole 'nother story, but I remember feeling and looking less than my best for a long time there. It didn't really matter, since I was in survival mode for so long that my goal was really hygiene as opposed to beauty at that point.

I would watch the clock to wonder when dh would get home, because all I had was NPR news for adult sentence structure during the day. And honestly, MDC helped me a lot. I spent a lot of time here. My DDC buddies and I still keep in touch now, and it really helped me to have those friends to "talk" to, since most of my IRL friends worked during the day (and lived far away, anyway).

Hang in there. What's that saying? The minutes and hours and days drag slowly, but the years are fast.

It gets easier.
Take good care of yourself.