DS (3) won't poop in the toilet, and I'm frustrated.

[Llyra]

My DS has developed an irritating pattern of having BMs. He's driving me nuts, actually. He won't poop in the toilet-- he's consistently dry all day, doesn't wear diapers except at night to sleep. But he won't poo in the toilet, so basically he holds it all day until he gets his diaper on for bed. Then I tuck him into bed and say good night, and ten minutes later he's up saying he's pooped. He is downright miserable and testy about it-- he hates having poo in his pants. So I clean him up, and send him back to bed with a clean diaper, and then ten or fifteen minutes later he's up again saying he's pooped again. Repeat. Sometimes this goes on for an hour, and we go through three or four diapers. Eventually, he does stop coming out, and goes to sleep without any trouble and sleeps all night. (Yeah, I know. He does sleep all night, in his own bed, so why am I complaining, right? Maybe I should just count my blessings. But I'm just too frustrated to look at the bright side.)

What I've tried:
1. asking him to sit on the toilet before I give him his diaper, to see if he can poop. He's perfectly willing to sit, but he doesn't poo, even when we wait a LONG LONG time. Then he gets his diaper, goes to bed, and promptly poops.

2. sending him back to bed with the first poop unchanged, and asking him to come back when he's genuinely FINISHED pooping. He gets hysterical and pitches an almighty tantrum because darnit "I'm all DIRTY mama and I need you to WASH ME. WASH ME. WASH ME." It doesn't let up until I do wash him, and then we go back to the aforementioned multiple-diaper scenario.

I'm having trouble figuring this out. He's not noticeably constipated-- the poops are formed but soft and ample; it's not like he's doing little rabbit droppings. They are in every way normal poops like you'd expect from a kid his age eating his diet.

Sometimes I think he's doing it because he enjoys the attention of coming out multiple times to be changed. But I'm not sure how to manage that one. And eventually, he really does need to learn to use the toilet for his BMs, right? So how hard do I push?

I've even tried putting him to bed with no diaper. He doesn't poop at all. He just waits until the next time he has a diaper on, even if it's days later. He does, however, wet the bed copiously in his sleep, so clearly he needs a diaper at night still.

I don't know. I just don't know. This has been going on for months. The most irritating part is that he shares the room with his twin sister, and DD1, and nobody can get to sleep until he's done with his poop performance. And DD1 is having trouble getting up for school-- she needs to sleep. I don't have another bedroom to separate them.

He's 3, by the way. 3 and 3 months.

[LindsC]

We were having a similiar problem when DS first started PL'ing. We talked about it everyday, but he would still wait until he had a diaper on at night and then poop. We figured out recently that he typically "needs" to poop either right after lunch or after his nap and we started sitting him on the toilet at these times. Our daycare also helped out with this and he actually started pooping on the toilet there before he would do it at home. I think the thing that helped was that he had to go poop before he was allowed to go out and play becuase that was when he had started pooping his pants at daycare. He loves going outside so much that he would quickly do what he needed to do and then go out and play. If he genuinely didn't need to go, we just let him try and then took him out to play. I think that he just finally put 2 and 2 together and decided that he wasn't comfortable pooping his pants/diaper and how that made him felt.

I would just keep talking to him about it and see how things go. I know that it is frustrating, but you definitely don't want to start a bad habit where he is holding it for so long that it is causing constipation issues. The other thing that we did for DS was right before he PL'ed was that anytime we saw him straining to poop, we told him he needed to go stand in the bathroom until he was done. I think that helped him put the 2 things together.

[dahlialia]

We did the same as the pp and insisted that DD go stand in the bathroom to poop.

She wasn't even wearing diapers at night, just requested them to poop in. What eventually worked for us was good old fashioned bribery. I explained that diapers cost money, and if I didn't have to buy a new pack I could buy her a present instead. What present would she like for pooping on the toilet? She asked for a golden train track, so we bought some gold paint and sprayed some of her wooden track. I was desperate, we had a deadline for preschool. Hence the bribe.

[robinchap1]

My DS wouldn't poop in the potty for a long time either. He would just ask for a diaper whenever he had to poop. I would try to get him to sit on the toilet and he would freak out and insist frantically that he needed a diaper. If I did get him to try it, he woudn't poop until I finally put a diaper on him.

I decided to be very laid back about it (and it was HARD!). Just gave him the diaper when he asked. I would offer the toilet and when he said no, just say, "ok." Eventually one day he just did it! He was at Papa Gino's with my mom. She didn't have a diaper on her (he wasn't wearing diapers the rest of the time). He had to poop. He went on the toilet. And was so proud of himself that he kept doing it after that.

You might want to try being completely nonchalant about the whole thing. Just change him when he comes out. Don't talk to him or comment. You can say, it's sleeping time, no talking now or something like that. Do whatever you can to not show how annoyed you are and to keep the whole thing as quick and non-interactive as possible. And yeah... bribes can work! Think of something (a toy or a special outing with you...) that you know he wants. Be casual, but let him know that is for kids who poop on the potty. Let him know that whenever he decides he's ready to poop on the potty, he can get that special thing. It leaves it in his control (since it ultimately is anyway! And they say this is all about control, right?) but gives little incentive to continue this way and big incentive to move forward.

Good luck! He will eventually... he won't be pooping in a diaper when he's 12!

[ASusan]

Everyone has great ideas. I love "standing in the bathroom."

Can you move his bed/mattress/blankets to the hallway outside the bathroom - or even in the bathroom? So he starts the night there, and he doesn't move to the bedroom until he's done. That way, he won't disturb his sibs and he does start to associate bathroom with bowel movements.

I second removing all emotion/communication involved.

[cjam]

It's a battle you can't win so don't fight it. Just keep changing his diaper and putting him back to bed. Every month or so, try putting him on the toilet at his poop time and see if he's ready. I often read to my daughter in the bathroom to make it more relaxing. Everyone's bathroom breaks became a family event in my house. I was trying to subconsciously implant the idea that poop belongs in the toilet and it's no big deal. It eventually worked with little drama. For a while I thought that my DD WAS going to be the kid that went to college in diapers. But she's 3.75 now and she's finally got the hang of it.

[PluggingAway]

My DS will be 4 in 2 weeks and poops in a pull up. He's in underwear all other times. Lately, he's been pooping at bed time. I try really, really hard to stay casual and laid back about the whole thing. I didn't train him to pee in the potty, just followed his lead and we've had zero drama so far (at 33 months he put on underwear and never looked back..not one day-time accident). I'm hoping he'll follow suit with pooping...doing it on his time schedule when he is ready..but I struggle with wanting to hurry the process along. I tried the standing in the bathroom thing but it seemed like a power struggle to me. I would bribe at this point if I thought it would work, but he's not much on bribes. The multiple diaper changes would get old quick, but I think it's good that your son doesn't want to be poopy. I wish I had some advice, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone!

[Keeta]

Originally Posted by robinchap1

My DS wouldn't poop in the potty for a long time either. He would just ask for a diaper whenever he had to poop. I would try to get him to sit on the toilet and he would freak out and insist frantically that he needed a diaper. If I did get him to try it, he woudn't poop until I finally put a diaper on him.

I decided to be very laid back about it (and it was HARD!). Just gave him the diaper when he asked. I would offer the toilet and when he said no, just say, "ok." Eventually one day he just did it! He was at Papa Gino's with my mom. She didn't have a diaper on her (he wasn't wearing diapers the rest of the time). He had to poop. He went on the toilet. And was so proud of himself that he kept doing it after that.

You might want to try being completely nonchalant about the whole thing. Just change him when he comes out. Don't talk to him or comment. You can say, it's sleeping time, no talking now or something like that. Do whatever you can to not show how annoyed you are and to keep the whole thing as quick and non-interactive as possible. And yeah... bribes can work! Think of something (a toy or a special outing with you...) that you know he wants. Be casual, but let him know that is for kids who poop on the potty. Let him know that whenever he decides he's ready to poop on the potty, he can get that special thing. It leaves it in his control (since it ultimately is anyway! And they say this is all about control, right?) but gives little incentive to continue this way and big incentive to move forward.

Good luck! He will eventually... he won't be pooping in a diaper when he's 12!

This is us exactly. DS was totally PL for pee, but would insist on a diaper to poop in for. so. long. But one day I swear he just woke up and got it. He had a few "catches" out in pubic - once I was paying a tab in the restaurant and had the diaper bag and DH and DS had walked over to the bookstore and he had to poop - but they had no diaper with them! So he used the bookstore potty and we made a big big deal about how awesome it was (grandparents were involved). We had a few more poops out and about like this (we had diapers but I think just encouraged him to use the potty - he still loves pooping in new toilets, BTW ). Then he just got it for all the time and never went back. It was fairly overnight. Hang in there. I KNOW it's frustrating - I was pregnant while it was going on and the LAST thing I wanted to do was change a gross toddler diaper! But it will happen. Right when you're convinced it never will.

[pbjmama]

One of my biggest parenting mistakes was trying to 'push' my ds to poop on the potty. I wish I wish I wish I had just gone with it and been patient until he was ready.

[srs]

My DD prefers to poop on a little potty, FWIW. Maybe the big toilet is uncomfortable in some way?

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by srs

My DD prefers to poop on a little potty, FWIW. Maybe the big toilet is uncomfortable in some way?

Nah, I wish it was that easy. I have little potties in both bathrooms, because DD2 (his twin) uses them. He refuses to get anywhere near them. He uses the big toilet to pee, sitting and standing, willingly enough. He'll sit for AGES.

Okay, so last night I went in to lie down with him during his "poop time." I wanted to watch exactly how the whole thing works for him. I think what's happening is that he needs to relax very deeply in order to poop. He lies on his back and stares at the ceiling and zones out pretty deeply while he's doing it. I think he's got the habit so ingrained of pooping while lying down, that he just can't make it happen any other way.

I love the mattress in the bathroom idea but my bathroom isn't big enough. But I have a little trundle under my bed, in my room, and I think I'll have him lie on that until the poop parade is over, and not let him go to his bed until he seems like he's done. He loves his bed, too, so I think it'll hurry him up a little if he knows he has to finish pooping before he can go there. That way he can do his business in his own way, but the girls can go to sleep without waiting for him to be finished.

Anyway, thanks for all the suggestions. You did what I needed-- reminded me that it'll happen when he's ready, and that pushing is a bad idea. I know that, but I forget...

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Thank you for this thread. I am new to the potty journey, however I am already begining to see this same problem in DS1. He stays dry virtually ALL DAY. We are still in pull ups (Im not ready to take the underwear plunge yet) so sometimes we still have an accident here or there. But the pooping, NO GO! So far I have had him sit on the potty with a book. I might try the go into the bathroom until your done pooping" bit. But that will be tough. Lately hes doing it around dinner time, while I am trying to do dinner or laundry, and you cant see my living room from my kitchen, plus we have a gate up. So I would have to constantly check on him, run and get him, hurdle over the gate with him, and run back to the bathroom that he always prefers at the end of the house. By the time I get back there, he'll be done.

[Selesai]

My almost 4 year old refuses to poop on the potty. But he won't ask for a diaper either-- he'll just go in his underwear. That's really disgusting, BTW, so now we just throw out the underwear and I'm not interested in buying more to just throw away, you know? So, we put him in pull ups, which means that every once in a while he'll pee in the pull up (probably because he can, and he's busy, so doesn't want to take the time to pee, etc). I don't like buying pull ups. I don't like changing kid poop. We have not been neutral about this-- I'm worried he's getting negative messages. Nothing works.
It's really frustrating.

[pbjmama]

Originally Posted by Selesai

My almost 4 year old refuses to poop on the potty. But he won't ask for a diaper either-- he'll just go in his underwear. That's really disgusting, BTW, so now we just throw out the underwear and I'm not interested in buying more to just throw away, you know? So, we put him in pull ups, which means that every once in a while he'll pee in the pull up (probably because he can, and he's busy, so doesn't want to take the time to pee, etc). I don't like buying pull ups. I don't like changing kid poop. We have not been neutral about this-- I'm worried he's getting negative messages. Nothing works.
It's really frustrating.

That was us too but I ended up sticking with undies. It took over 8 months including a couple of holiday regressions. And we still have occasionally accidents. My 2 year old is more reliable! I understand your frustration.

[LaurieG]

I just skimmed the responses so sorry if I'm repeating. What about building in time for the poop routine to bedtime? Put him in his diaper earlier so he has plenty of time to get it all done and DD still to get to sleep on time?

I'm agree with the pp who said you can't control this so don't even try. DS1 would only poop in a pull up for 2 full years after he was potty trained for pee, until his 5th birthday. We tried bribing, coersion, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement. You name it, we tried it, except punishment which many of our friends and family encouraged. Leading up to his 4th birthday he was all in agreement that he would start using the toilet but when it came down to it he just couldn't. By the time he was 5 it literally became a mental block and we finally just had to wait until he couldn't hold it anymore and hold him on the toilet until he went and then it was over. But that was horrible and at 3 you are a long way from having that much drama over it. Chances are good if you just keep following his lead like you are, but making modifications so that it isn't inconveniencing the rest of the family, he will let you know when he is ready to move on to the toilet.

[Llyra]

Updating.

What I've been doing, the last few days, is giving him his diaper, and sending the girls to bed, and letting DS lie on the trundle in my room until he's finished with his poop. We had a few hiccups in the process when he got kinda giddy with the idea that he got to stay up "late," and he was jumping around and playing instead of lying down. But now that he understands what I expect, it's going pretty well. He lies there and talks to himself and pops up a few times to tell me he's pooped; last night I had to change him only twice. Then at some point he told me he was done, and he went to bed. He wound up in bed a half hour later than the girls, and they were already asleep, and he slid into bed with no fuss and went to sleep. So I think we have our coping solution. One other thing I did manage was at naptime I managed to convince him to sit on the toilet WITH HIS DIAPER ON, and he pooped in the diaper while sitting on the toilet, which was the first time he's ever pooped on the toilet, so this is progress, I think.