help me to say and do the right thing re teen giving baby to grandparents

[corysmilk]

I lived in a foster home as a support worker with my friends. they adpoted a teen girl. i moved and beacuse of some issues she has and some bad things that happend to her she moved in with me for 5 months. it was not a great time in my life and I belive I failed her in so many ways.

she TRIED to get pregnant. wanted an abortion. she was not healthy during her pregnacy, having a replase and drinking.

the baby is healthy. as far as anyone knows. the baby was born on sat. mom is breastfeeding. she is leaving her baby TONIGHT . She has decicied that even thou she loves her she can't be near her cause she knows she is going to eventually leave anyway. her parents( adopted) were/ are willing to have her at home and want to support her in raising her child but she doesn't want to. her bio mom passed away while teen was pg.

i know that she is making a choice that is not for me to decide for her, and it must be heartbreaking.

in all selfisnesss it is hard for me too. I am very close to her, like a special aunt. and I am greving for this baby. and for teen mom. I belive she will go right out and use and stuff right away, to stopp the bad feelings. I guess I am just need to find a way to except it. she reliyes on me, to be there for her and I want to be supportive. she is moving back to my small town. I have very mixed feeelings, I want to support her and be there for her, I am sure she'll need in in the days and weeks ahead. but how?? I don't want to say the wrong thing.we have had arguments about this very subject while she was pregnant. I belive she would be a great mom, with some support and eventually be able to do it on her own.

my heart is breaking I can't imagine what is going on inside teen.

what should I say? how do I let her know that I love her even thou I am struggling so much with this myself??i don't want to say the wrong thing

[Sierra]

I couldn't read without posting. I would say, I guess, to say very little. To listen mostly.

[corysmilk]

thank you, she, teen came over last night and I got to meet baby. she nursed her right here in my living room. It was so beautiful.... and heartbreaking.
I have been praying alot asking for healing for everyone, teen, baby and yes for me too!

what a strong mother she is. its such a sacrafice.

[tiffani]

Hi corysmilk! has she had counseling? It sounds like she is all over the map, emotionally, threatening to leave, yet nursing the baby... maybe not really sure what she wants, what she can handle, what her options are, etc. Counseling sounds more than necessary, for her to sort out her feelings, get information, etc... glad you're there for her.

[corysmilk]

well her mom has taken the baby back to the island now and teen is here. grandmom has breastmilk for baby donated from a good friend. so at least the baby will get that. teen has already smoked pot so I am sure nursing is out even if she goes back home. Yes she needs counceling but she would rather smoke all day and pretend everything is ok. how bitter do I sound.... ahh i am trying to be just be here if she needs me.

thanks, I will try to talk to her about seeing someone/

[SundayCrepes]

It sounds like she is trying to make the best choice for the baby. She doesn't sound ready to be a mom. She doesn't sound motivated to make the changes she needs to make to be an effective mom right now.

Sometimes it is better for the baby if the mom chooses to place that baby. It sounds like this young girl has had a hard life and she wants better for her baby. Trying to get her into counseling is a good idea so she can deal with all her feelings. However, if she doesn't want to do that, you can forcer her.

I'd say support her in her choice. Don't guilt her, "But you'd be a great mom. How can you do this?" Tell her you understand she is making the best choice for her baby and you respect that. Be there for her. Support HER choice.

[corysmilk]

I am supporting her choice.


she is misrable, she looks, well bad, totally not her self, I am very concerned for her. she doesn't talk much, i guess that would be normal when going thru something like this. she truely loves that baby, she tells me everyday.

to love your child so much and to make such a decsion is amazing to see, it so unselfish.... she one strong girl.
thank you for the replies.

[Mylie]

Very difficult...Too see,hear and want to help but knowing you really cant...

I was in agony trying to figure out how to help my son and his girlfriend..Still am but now I try to keep it seperate from my life...I am going to tell you what my therapist told me...

"You can love these kids,You want to help these kids,you put your life on hold trying to help and support these kids..And just because they might have some love for their babies doesn't make them a good or fit parent.You can support and help all you want until you are ready to have a nervous breakdown yourself..But if that teen isn't ready or willing to grow up and make the changes she and he needs to be a good and fit parent you can't change that..Them having potential isn't going to help that baby right now if they aren't willing to make the changes right now..Because that baby can't wait..It has needs right now.You have to move on with your life for that baby.."

It hurts like hell..I am not going to deny that..But if that girl was ready she wouldn't be going back to her old ways again.She is at least mature enough to send that baby home with her grandparents so she will be cared for properly.All you can do as a friend is listen because until she is ready she isn't going to change for that baby or even you..

My granddaughter is almost 3 years old and my son and his girlfriend talk all the time how they love her so much(and of this I have no doubt)and that one day they will get to be a family and raise her themselves..But at the same time they also keep getting evicted from their homes,living in motels with strangers,doing drugs and other illegal things..They are talking the talk but when it comes to walking the walk it isn't happening..So I do what I have to do to keep her safe..My son and his girlfriend are adults(with special needs yes but still legal adults)and my granddaughter is only 2 1/2..I love my son with all my heart but she comes first right now because she can't take care of herself..I can't help him..Nor does he want my help..But I can help her..And if I have to keep helping her until the day I die I will..

From what you have written...My advice to you is listen to your friend..Support her if she asks for it..But is sounds like she is not going to do what you want but what she wants..All you can do is be there....She is walking a path that no one can help with except for herself..And she won't until she is darn good and ready..

Originally Posted by corysmilk

I am supporting her choice.



she is misrable, she looks, well bad, totally not her self, I am very concerned for her. she doesn't talk much, i guess that would be normal when going thru something like this. she truely loves that baby, she tells me everyday.

to love your child so much and to make such a decsion is amazing to see, it so unselfish.... she one strong girl.
thank you for the replies.