Not too thrilled with my life right now...

[crunchy_mommy]

I seem to be in a bit of a funk lately.

I have a chronic illness that's not yet diagnosed, I FINALLY have a dr's appt. next week to discuss test results, I'm hoping having a diagnosis & treatment will help some, but 4+ years of feeling so tired & miserable is just really getting to me, I can't do any of the things I used to enjoy.

I hate my job and there's no way out of it for at least a year. I need the health insurance & need to continue WAH & there just aren't any other jobs out there that would provide that & still allow me to work only 20 hours a week. But the place makes me feel so annoyed, angry, tense, etc. I don't know how I'm going to get through another year of this (hopefully in a year DH's contract job will turn full-time & he'll get benefits).

I'm addicted to the internet & it makes me sad, I don't really get any satisfaction out of spending hours a day online but at the same time there's not a whole lot else I can do when I have down time. I can't do any hobbies because I'm too tired & because DS (15mos) screams if I try to get involved in a project (yes, even while DH is trying to play with him) -- he is just sooo attached to mommy and whines for me constantly. He is very high-needs and I feel like a failure when I can't keep him calm & happy. But anyway, I'm trying to read more books but my whole life is just read, watch TV, go online, and reading is the only one I truly enjoy, but I can't always focus enough & my eyes get tired. I just feel there is no SUBSTANCE to what I do.

I also have no friends, I haven't had a close female friend since college & DH and I have a close male friend but he lives too far away to see often & is very busy. I joined a meetup which I love but they aren't very active this month for some reason, plus they are more 'acquaintances' right now than friends (we're still mostly in the "what's your son's name again?" phase)... and I don't see myself developing any close relationships because I am just a weird person. I'm friendly but shy & a little socially awkward, I don't really follow current events or pop culture, I'm very not-mainstream (even my own mom said the other day that I "march to my own drummer"). I try taking DS to the playground etc. so we can have fun & get some interaction with others, but because DS sleeps so late in the morning, everyone is gone by the time we get anywhere. I also have issues with spending money (I prefer not to, partly out of need but more out of some inner drive to NOT spend) so I tend to avoid anything that's not free or involved lots of driving (hate to pay for gas) and even if I try to go out on my own there's nothing to do in the evenings that doesn't cost $$... I feel like a crazy person writing some of this out ....

I guess I just feel like my life is really lacking depth. I love DS & DH and they are ones that make my life worthwhile... I just don't feel personally fulfilled at all. I feel lonely & isolated most of the time... and tired, tired, tired. I'm not depressed (though I'm sure it sounds like it!) and I think if I could get proper treatment for my illness, things would improve, but I feel like I'm always waiting (waiting for a diagnosis, waiting for a new job, etc.) and not enjoying the here & now.

[choochootrain]

I don't really know what to say, other than

[doubledutch]

even if you're not "depressed" in the medical sense, you are terribly unhappy and that deserves your attention and care. i have questions.

what did you used to enjoy?

what makes you annoyed, angry and tense about your job? are roles or procedures undefined? are the expectations of what you can accomplish in 20 hours unrealistic? are your boundaries disrespected? i guess i'm trying to figure out if there is something about the structure that can be changed, or if it's the work itself that you hate . . . if so, is there a way to change your duties or change the aspect that stresses you out?

what could replace your time online? what things in life fill you with joy? since you like reading, but don't always have it in you to read long passages, what if you have a daily ritual to read a short bit (like a poem a day, or a daily devotional/inspirational 1-2 page thing . . . kwim?). not that you wouldn't also read a chapter from the novel you're into, if you feel like it, but look for little ways to incorporate what you love into the routine of your normal day - little rituals. if you love good food, what about a container garden of herbs to care for (which would only take a few minutes a day)? if you love flowers, what about a couple of window boxes, or a weekly ritual of cut flowers for your table - it's CHEAP, mama, like a dollar a day, and being cheered by them is worth more than that. i know you love your baby . . . what about spending more of that time one-on-one with him? storytelling, massaging, or just lying on the floor watching him and not feeling the need to do anything?

for socializing, what about non-baby-related stuff? do you have the energy to take a class or do any kind of volunteer work? do you attend church, or some other organization that meets regularly like n.o.w., amnesty international, or even a neighborhood/community improvement group?

how does yoga feel? or swimming (not for exercise or to get anywhere, but for pleasure, just for the feeling of swimming)? or is there some other activity that makes your body feel good?

when all the things happen that you are waiting for, how will your life be different? i get that, once you have a diagnosis, you can move forward with a plan; once you have a new job, work will be better. but outside of that, how will life be different, how will you spend your free time? what do you dream about doing?

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm what did I used to enjoy?? Writing, arts & crafts, any kind of "project" (woodworking or home improvement etc.), working out was one of my biggest passions... volunteer work... things that got me 'out & about'...

The problems with my job are many. I don't like the work itself, it's boring & rote and just... irritating. I don't get any pleasure or satisfaction from it, and it's the same every day, except when someone makes a totally unreasonable (even IMPOSSIBLE) request that I somehow have to fulfill. People in the company don't follow their job duties and it affects me (and the one person who DOES follow their role is militant & inflexible about it, making everyone else's jobs miserable). They keep changing their mind about when/where I can do my job (kind of a power trip for them I suspect) and the general attitude in the company is very negative (many many many people have quit). I think I've changed as much as I can about my job & my role in the company, the next step is leaving. So now I wait.

I do attend church but it's not a very social thing for me, we don't really 'click' with anyone there & most are much much older (different stage of their lives)... I hesitate to commit to any other organization (not that I even have one in mind) because DS needs me so intensely right now. He's only 15 mos & still nurses very frequently and still very very attached to me; I would not enjoy going anywhere without him. I do try to spend lots of 1-on-1 time with him but frankly I get bored after awhile. I would really love to spend more time with him AND other people, but even today for example, we went to story hour and there were a few other moms who seemed nice & share some commonalities with me (just based on their convos with each other) but I just couldn't figure out how to get myself into the conversation... I said a few things and asked a few questions etc. but was basically ignored and this was the last story hour 'til summer so I won't see them again anytime soon. That's how all social interactions tend to go for me.

I really want to be more active, that's what makes me feel good, but I can't now because it makes me sick. I can't do much without "paying for it" later.

I don't know how life will change when I can quit this job, I think mostly I'll just be less stressed & negative. But as far as the medical issues, I'm really hoping for a solid treatment plan that can help me begin to feel the way I used to, and be able to do the things I used to do. But I may end up very discouraged if there is no obvious way to proceed & I'm stuck sick forever.

[Purple*Lotus]

I am so sorry

[kittywitty]

[Mountaingirl79]

I think maybe you should keep going to the same place for awhile....and then eventually you will make friends. It sounds like you expected to have an instant connection but I personally think it takes more time.
Establish a routine that leads you to the same places over and over and you will have more common experiences to talk about.
Joining a yahoo group helped me too...

Just a few ideas....

I hope you feel better soon. It's hard to do much when you don't feel well.

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79

I think maybe you should keep going to the same place for awhile....and then eventually you will make friends. It sounds like you expected to have an instant connection but I personally think it takes more time.
Establish a routine that leads you to the same places over and over and you will have more common experiences to talk about.

I think that part of the problem is DS's schedule is so different than most kids. He gets up very late in the morning, after 10am, and then it takes us another 1/2 hour to get showered, dressed, etc. and then 15-30 minutes to drive anywhere so it's well after 11 by the time we get there and most people are headed home for lunch. We go out again after his afternoon nap but no one is around at the parks etc. so I guess that's not a good time either. The story hours are over 'til the summer (and the summer hours won't work with DS's schedule) so that ship has sailed... I do stay involved in the meetup groups but it is rarely the same people at each event.

So add to the scheduling issues (which I've worked on to no avail) the fact that I have to squeeze in 20 hours of work, and I guess a big part of my problem is not even being around people much to have any opportunity for friendship! Not sure what to do about that...

My doctor's appt is Thursday & I am just hoping and praying he has some useful diagnosis/treatment. I will be crushed & devastated if he has nothing. I don't think I can stand to hear AGAIN from yet ANOTHER doctor that "all your tests are fine, we can't help you," etc. when I am quite clearly (to me, at least) NOT fine. I feel like no one truly understands how disabling this 'condition' is for me. At least if I had cancer or something, they could treat it, and people would understand that I can't function the same as everyone else, and my DH wouldn't be disappointed that I can't do more around the house... (Not that I would ever wish to have cancer, hopefully you get what I mean!!)

Anyway, thank you everyone for the hugs, support, & ideas!!

[GearGirl]

Good luck with your appointment, I hope you get the answers you are looking for! I just wanted to ask if you are sure this isn't related to depression, it really can manifest itself in a way that makes you feel exactly like everything you have described in your post. It really stood out to me when reading what you wrote. If it is a possibility, maybe a low dose antidepressant could help. My mom had many of the same things going on with her all of my life and it was depression. It doesn't have to mean sad and crying, it can be sort of a general, tired, dissatisfied feeling!

[crunchy_mommy]

No I am positive it is a more medical type issue. I feel depressed BECAUSE of the condition not vice-versa. Occasionally I have a good day health-wise and my whole mood & outlook on life is just so much better. I just can't stand having to spend so much time in bed & not being able to do the things I want to do.

I have had way too much experience with depression, all through high school & college, this is very different. But I will admit I will not touch an anti-depressant with a 10-foot pole now (because of my prior experiences with them).

[wondermama]

It seems like you need some deeper inspiration -- not just a hobby -- since this is personal growth I'll go out on a limb here .

To me, your question has "life purpose" written all over it -- as a counselor and intuitive I find that getting clear about your life purpose can work miracles in your life -- are you open to exploring something like this?

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm well I actually do think I have a pretty clear idea of my 'life purpose' but the problem is that it's just not possible right now. I am too sick to do anything I'd need to do to get to that point, but furthermore the lifestyle I have now is not compatible with it. So it's one of those 'maybe when the kids are grown' things right now.

[wondermama]

If you don't mind going further with this...

If you do have a sense of your life purpose, and are not feeling that you are living it, it is a recipe for depression, in my experience. I have found it helps (a LOT) to do *something* related to it, even if it feels tiny and nearly insignificant.

If you are open to it, I would suggest a quiet time of asking your intuition/higher self/God "what can I do now to open myself to joy with my life AS IT IS," and what can I do now to live my passion, my purpose RIGHT NOW?". I always get answers this way, and others have found it helpful as well.

You may also find Byron Katie's The Work (www.thework.com) helpful, her motto is "loving what is." It requires you to open to your life and find the joy lurking beneath your unwanted, difficult circumstances. This is hard spiritual work, but very worth it. I've been there. I wish you the very best.

[mandib50]

i hope you get answers.

[crunchy_mommy]

Well my doctor's appointment went OK, I got *some* answers though not the clear-cut diagnosis that I was hoping for. We're going to treat the issues that showed in my last tests and I'm going for another round of tests to see if we can narrow things down further. I will admit I was pretty disappointed that we don't have more to go on at this point, but I'm glad my doctor is working with me to get to the bottom of this so hopefully I won't have to suffer indefinitely.

I think I just have a lot on my plate these days. Between work and home and marriage and health and baby and even my pets, nothing is really going well, and it's just a struggle trying to hold all these things together when my body feels like it's falling apart on me and my brain will soon follow.

Wondermama, you're right that I really need to do even a little something related to my 'life purpose' -- I guess I'm just having a hard time with the little things I would have to give up to do that, like time with my DH & DS and time to myself etc. And there just aren't enough hours in the day or enough days in the week to squeeze in even one more thing. I just need to get SOMETHING off my plate -- whether it's quitting the job, or improving my health or DS' temperment, something's got to give.

[wondermama]

I understand.