losing faith in "unschooling", 8yo son resists EVERYTHING

[DirtyHippyMama]

I am becoming very discouraged. My son has had a total of 14 months to "deschool" after Kindergarten and 1/2 of 1st grade at public school. He is not compatible with a formal, traditional school setting. He was diagnosed with severe combined-type ADHD at age 3.75, and then RE-diagnosed with Mood Disorder N.O.S. (basically early-onset Bipolar disorder) at age 7.75.

BTW, ***Please do not share your negative opinions about "labeling" children. I have struggled with my own guilt about this... We have used this diagnosis as a helpful tool to meet his needs and get him appropriate treatment. Thanks. ***

Anyway, I went into homeschooling believing strongly in the unschooling philosophy. My problem is that my son seems to lack curiosity in most academic subjects. I have purchased many "school supplies" to use for fun, stimulating activities, but he refuses to do any of it because it is "learning". I have to be extremely careful in how I word things when making suggestions, so as to attempt to avoid any school-related terms. It's exhausting. He is constantly bored, but refuses to do anything that I suggest, whether it be reading a story, drawing, playing outside...whatever. All he ever wants to do is ride his bike (not that I'm complaining about THAT), play with friends, and play the Wii (which the grandparents gave the kids for Christmas despite my disdain for video games). We do have restrictions in place about the Wii, but he and his 5yo brother WANT to play it ALL THE TIME. It was removed for about a month recently when they both started showing signs of addiction (having meltdowns when I denied access or cut playtime short). They don't even watch very much TV, except for the occasional PBS Kids show or Nature or NOVA.

This child could be happily burying his nose in a good book like some of his favorite friends do, but he resists even TRYING to read. I know he CAN read -- he's constantly reading street/store signs and can read the Wii instructions, etc. (i.e. he reads when it's convenient/fun for him). I just KNOW he'd be a bookworm if he'd stop being afraid to try. I have never been negative, threatening, or forceful about him reading, but I have expressed my frustration about his resistance. His peers are finishing up second grade and he's still reading on an end-of-1st-grade level. This makes the possibility of putting him back in school even further away than it was before (not that I want to do that, but it's nice to know that he at least QUALIFIES).

I had dreamed of him excelling and exceeding with unschooling, having removed the stressors and negative aspects of formal schooling, but instead, he's slowing waaay down, now very much behind. I know that one of the important things in unschooling is to TRUST the child to learn what he needs to learn when he needs to learn it, whether it be well before or much later than is schooled counterparts.

It's almost like he enjoys the power of refusing. I explained unschooling to him when we first started, and whenever I get frustrated with him he plays that card ("You said I didn't HAVE to do any schoolwork anymore."). UUUGH!!!

His resistance is detrimental to HIM. He is bored but won't do anything I suggest. I have tried to "strew his path with interesting things". He likes math and science, but when I give him such activities, he resists because it's too "formal". His "learning" consists primarily of me answering questions and misc. conversations we have in the car. Those are precious moments, and I think I do a good job of keeping things interesting (I tend to say "isn't that cool?" a lot, and I am genuinely excited about it. :P).

His therapist and doctor are constantly asking me how he's doing "with school", and each time, I remind them that he's homeschooled...but of course they picture "school at home", and each time I try to explain unschooling, and I'm immediately shot down. Perhaps they are the cause of my lost faith. I don't know. Things just aren't going the way I'd imagined...I just need some more encouragement; I even let an unsupportive "friend" convince me (last summer) that I was incapable of homeschooling and I actually put him back in school for 5 weeks last fall! That was disastrous, needless to say. She is no longer considered a friend, BTW, and for more than just that reason.

Any thoughts? Please?? HELP!!!

[Just1More]

I think 8 is big enough to be told that some things are conditional. Specifically, a very thorough explaination would include that the child is to be interested in a variety of things, and to seek out information and learning experiences. Sitting around protesting everything isn't doing HIS part. Dd is 5, and I tell her that I have done my part, listing all the things I have gotten out for her/done with her during the day, and now it is up to HER to enjoy them.

Maybe you could give him a trial period. Say something along the lines of how it's important to be engaged and interested in your world. He can choose to be grumpy if he wants, but if he does, then you'll have to make sure he does some "school" everyday so that he learns what he needs to. If he can be happy and engaged, then fine...let him go for it. I would maybe list some concrete examples of what enagaged looks like to you, and then give him 2 weeks to make good. If not, then break out a cirriculum, protests or not. IMO.

[Roar]

I'm wondering about what sorts of structure there are in other aspects of his life. Specifically does he have regular mealtimes, bedtimes, activities outside of the home, chores or responsibilities in the home, family routines of together time such as game night.

Kids are all different of course. For kids who are not naturally internally well regulated it can be a lot for their lives to be totally free flowing. And, for some kids who tend to be anxious or negative by nature having no expectations can feel really overwhelming.

[Roar]

I'm wondering about what sorts of structure there are in other aspects of his life. Specifically does he have regular mealtimes, bedtimes, activities outside of the home, chores or responsibilities in the home, family routines of together time such as game night.

Kids are all different of course. For kids who are not naturally internally well regulated it can be a lot for their lives to be totally free flowing. And, for some kids who tend to be anxious or negative by nature having no expectations can feel really overwhelming.

[DirtyHippyMama]

Originally Posted by Roar

I'm wondering about what sorts of structure there are in other aspects of his life. Specifically does he have regular mealtimes, bedtimes, activities outside of the home, chores or responsibilities in the home, family routines of together time such as game night.

Kids are all different of course. For kids who are not naturally internally well regulated it can be a lot for their lives to be totally free flowing. And, for some kids who tend to be anxious or negative by nature having no expectations can feel really overwhelming.

As for structure, there is some. Probably not enough, and that's my fault. I like to be flexible because each day has its own challenges, outings, etc. The evening routine is fairly consistent (dinner through bedtime), and I occasionally let him stay up later than the rest of the children to watch a documentary with me and or Daddy. He used to stay up later than the others every night and have "special time", but he wakes up between 6-7am every day, regardless of bedtime (*sigh*), and he needs to go to bed with the rest of them (around 7:30-8pm). Without enough sleep, he is extra grumpy and difficult. And his behavior makes me want to cry most of the time as it is.

We do have regular outings, but sometimes they get canceled for reasons beyond our control, whether it be someone else's canceling or the weather, etc.

I believe he is both of the things you mentioned: not well internally regulated, anxious and negative by nature. He has had a rough time in life because of a sporadic relationship with his bio-dad, who at one point didn't see him for 1.5 YEARS. It's like when he starts seeing his dad regularly, he acts out more at home, and I know that has to do with the fact that he has no siblings to "compete" with over there. I know he needs structure and expectations. Unfortunately, I never seem to get above the chaos that is our life, and I find it very difficult to "enforce" my expectations without resorting to threats, bribes, or outright rage-filled yelling. The other children are much easier to discipline; appealing to their consciences is much more effective with them (I partially blame genes for Robby's emotional problems, as they run on BOTH sides of his family).

We have a job chart that gives each of the older children 2 jobs to do each day, rotating over a 6 day period (allowing for the traditional Sunday as rest day). He has become resistant to those as well. This is more of a behavioral problem than an academic one, I have come to realize. But unfortunately, it all intertwines.

I have tried the mandatory curriculum route, too, which he will simply outright refuse to do. I will tell him that he cannot play until some work is done, and he will whine and complain and take FOREVER to do it, purposely being sloppy with his handwriting (which, IMO, is at a mid-Kindergarten level). It makes me so mad that it's not worth the fight. I don't like using rewards and punishments (big Alfie Kohn fan), but this child does not seem to respond to anything else. I don't know what to do. The way my parents disciplined me was very mainstream and traditional, and it really messed me up. I don't want to do that to him, but all the "experts" are telling me to do just that.

This all causes some serious inner-conflict with me. When I have been firm and stood my ground about something (non-school-related), it seems to help after a while, and he is happy and well-behaved for about half an hour. It's just so exhausting and depressing. Last night I cried myself to sleep and this morning I woke up and cried again. This child is a full time job, and I have 3 other children to tend to (none of which are NEARLY as difficult -- their problems are more textbook development-related and are laughably incomparable). I have fantasized about dropping him on his father's doorstep on more than one occasion. What kind of mother does that??!

[KimPM]

1) He sounds like a kid who needs more structure. Sounds kinds like my DS.
2) Is there a homeschooling coop there, where he would have exposure to someone else working with him and other kid(s) doing homeschooling (other than his siblings)?

[JessicaS]

I agree that it sounds like more structure is needed as well as exposure to other HS children.

We only allow Wii on weekends and special treats after certain goals are accomplished. Currently dd is in a snit because I won't buy her the new Rick Riordan book until after she reads Alice in Wonderland.

I do feel that like many many other things different types of schooling methods work well for different children. If you don't feel your ds is learning then I would switch methods. I think the amount of time you have given him to get interested is fair and reasonable and I would start trying to be a bit more structured.

IMO there are always books that spark a love of reading. I would keep trying to find things and offer them. To me I found that eight was the age in which dd did get that spark of interest. She started finding things interesting on her own and she was willing to read about things. If he is just resistant to "learning" in general well...I would talk to him about that. He does need to be "learning" even if it is in a different way.

To me structure and consistency generally start working but you have to keep applying it.

I wouldn't allow late night television. My parents only let us stay up later if we were reading and my sisters and I now do the same with our children.

[34me]

My ds didn't read well until he was closer to 9. What helped him were books like the Guinness book of records and comic books.

[Dar]

It sounds to me like you expected unschooling to mean that your son would be choosing on his own to do learn academic subjects, using the materials you've acquired and the activities you're suggesting.

That's not how unschooling looks for many people. If you really want to unschool, you might want to read more in the unschooling forum, and perhaps ask for suggestions there. I will say that it's really really normal for an unschooled 8 year old to not be interested in academic activities, and to want to ride his bike a lot and play with his friends. I think you might have better luck if you stopped focusing on "academic subjects" and wanting him to be a bookworm, and instead looked at what he does enjoy, and what interests him, and go from there.

So, maybe he's like to build some bike ramps for his bike, or obstacle courses. Do kids still put playing cards in their wheel spokes? We did that as kids... that might be fun, too. Those are the kinds of things unschoolers might suggest, anyway.

I'm not sure unschooling is really what you want to do, though, because it sounds like you still want him to be making consistent academic progress. I don't think you can have both - either you unschool and he follows his own path, or you don't unschool and you create an academic structure that works for both of you. Right now, it sounds like you're wanting both, and it's leaving both you and your son feeling frustrated.

[DirtyHippyMama]

Originally Posted by Dar

It sounds to me like you expected unschooling to mean that your son would be choosing on his own to do learn academic subjects, using the materials you've acquired and the activities you're suggesting.

That's not how unschooling looks for many people. If you really want to unschool, you might want to read more in the unschooling forum, and perhaps ask for suggestions there. I will say that it's really really normal for an unschooled 8 year old to not be interested in academic activities, and to want to ride his bike a lot and play with his friends. I think you might have better luck if you stopped focusing on "academic subjects" and wanting him to be a bookworm, and instead looked at what he does enjoy, and what interests him, and go from there.

So, maybe he's like to build some bike ramps for his bike, or obstacle courses. Do kids still put playing cards in their wheel spokes? We did that as kids... that might be fun, too. Those are the kinds of things unschoolers might suggest, anyway.

I'm not sure unschooling is really what you want to do, though, because it sounds like you still want him to be making consistent academic progress. I don't think you can have both - either you unschool and he follows his own path, or you don't unschool and you create an academic structure that works for both of you. Right now, it sounds like you're wanting both, and it's leaving both you and your son feeling frustrated.

I didn't even know there was an unschooling forum on MDC (that is what you're talking about, right?). I think I might cross-post this there.

We have a great skate park a few miles from here that just opened...but it of course requires a trip to go to it, and with summer coming it will be hot and crowded, so... building some ramps of our own sounds like an awesome idea -- I'll pass it on to hubby.

As for the unschooling, I really do believe in it and want to do it. My problem is closed-minded friends, family, and professionals who have not done their research and give me a hard time about him not being "up to standards". Their discouragement really gets to me, especially when it's coming from several sources at once. I went into this journey with little in the way of support, only knowing what I learned doing my own research on the subject (and falling in love with it, I might add). Even his bio-dad is pushing the academics. I was prepared for some possible delays in his learning, but the boredom thing is really getting to me.

And that's the other problem: his boredom and resistance to suggestions. He likes messy, complicated stuff, and I feel like if he's not going to pitch in with the household maintenance (clean-up, chores, etc.), then I can't afford to add to the mess by introducing more of it. I think he would love to have some science kits (which require supervision at this age), and sometimes enjoys playing with play-doh, clay, or moon sand. He also likes to cook, but I have little patience for his assistance when I'm trying to get dinner ready for 6 hungry people.

The more I type about this, the more I feel like it's all my fault. I should make sure that the chores get done. I should make sure that he has access to these messy things that he likes. I should be willing to devote my attention to his science experiments on a regular basis. I should have more patience and plan ahead so that he can help with dinner more often (which, incidentally, is listed as a job on the chart, so each child gets to be dinner helper 2x/wk). The list could go on and on, and the thought is just plain overwhelming. I just thought this would be easier; that his natural curiosity would be enough to keep him busy and stimulated. I guess I was picturing myself as a child when I fell in love with unschooling.

His friends are reading books and writing stories. That makes me sad and a bit jealous, because I was doing the same thing at this age. And loving it. Yes, I want him to be a bookworm, but only because I KNOW he'll love it. I know that forcing it on him is the worst possible way to encourage reading, which is why I don't. He has found some books that he really liked, but he'd rather ask for me or Daddy to read them aloud to him. I made a deal that I would read if he would follow my finger as I read along...that lasted one evening.

We are in a homeschool co-op. They have regular activities and get-togethers scheduled and he always enjoys them. But, although the group is "all ages welcome", most of the kids are several years older than he is, and while that has some social benefits, it has prevented the formation of real friendships that might carry outside of the group's official meet-ups. The group has a book club which we have tried to be active in. It's a bit discouraging since the books either have to be read aloud or I have to find the audiobook for him to use. And I wish he was listening and following along, but I really don't think he looks at the words much. I was hoping that the book club would help open the door to the love of reading, but it has been a bit of a hassle because of the fact that he can't read middle-school level chapter books on his own. At least he doesn't resist it as much though, since he has his peers to account to. It just means more work for ME. Did I mention I'm already exhausted? :/

The comic books sound like a good idea. We have tried that in the past with Star Wars graphic novels. Maybe it's time for some new ones.

I neglected to mention that he also enjoys building with Legos and playing with his Pokemon cards, which require math skills in his version of the game.

I know he's learning a lot. Unschooling is "abnormal", and I knew that going in. I just wish I had the confidence and support to thumb my nose at those who doubt my choices.

One thing I am counting on is his twin siblings. They are 5 and are just finishing up VPK (one is in a special needs program at a public school for mild autism, the other is in the local Waldorf preschool which we looove). They will both be homeschoolers within the next few months. They both still have their love of learning, and I know they will WANT to do "school work" at the dining table; workbooks and all. Maybe that will inspire him to improve his academic skills, as he sees his younger siblings enjoying it. I expect that he will even step in and help them. And I totally see my daughter passing Robby in the reading and writing department pretty quickly, which I hope will be a healthy, natural competition for Robby, and inspire him to learn these things. I have faith that unschooling will work like a dream with the twins, and the "workbooks" will just be fun and challenging for them, not a mandatory curricular activity.

I can see how you might see me as being on the fence about unschooling, because I have all theses hopes and dreams about his progression...I know I have to be patient and trust that he will come around when he's ready. I just think about how many more doors could open for him if he were more proficient in the reading/writing department. He could be reading all those great non-fiction books he so loves to check out from the library (think Eyewitness books and the like) instead of just looking at the pictures. He could be using his wonderful imagination to write down these stories that he comes up with. Just so much more than he can do now, and that would most certainly help with the boredom... ya know what I mean?

Also, as for the night time TV watching, we have actually recently changed the rule to be that he can only stay up later if he's "reading" (looking at books), or being read to, in a feeble attempt to encourage the reading again. Unfortunately, he has often chosen to go to bed instead. Lovely.

[lauriem33]

Originally Posted by DirtyHippyMama

I made a deal that I would read if he would follow my finger as I read along...that lasted one evening.

IME doing this is counterproductive to instilling a love of reading in kids. It kind of turns it into a teaching/lesson mode rather than just enjoying reading for the pleasure of the story. I know it's hard to trust that they will come to love reading if you don't push, but really he's so young yet. If you can just keep reading to him things he's interested in, with no strings attached, hopefully he will pick up on that joy and will in time want to be able to access that for himself.

That being said, some learners are much more auditory and prefer being read to or listening to books, rather than reading them themselves. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's good to be aware of it if you think that may be your son. That way you can let some of your anxiety go and realize that he learns best in some way other than visually taking in the printed word.

Come on over to the unschooling board here at MDC!

[Roar]

It sounds like you've reached the point where you are observing this approach is not working for him and he isn't happy. I wouldn't try talk yourself out of that. My general suggestion would be tackle some of the life stuff before the school stuff. If you aren't pleased with the therapists helping him maybe it is time to look for new ones who have advice that you respect and are comfortable implementing. I personally would look for more family and household structure before looking to more school structure.

[pinky]

Have you tried talking directly with him about what's going on? My dd is 8, and when we're having a rough patch, I try and find some time (preferably where I can give her some undivided attention, like going out to a coffee shop together) where we can have a "meeting" (she likes this terminology) about homeschooling. We talk about what both of us feel is working well and not working so well, and brainstorm ideas together about how to make things better for both of us.

I find that for me, it really helps to try to approach things from the perspective that we're in a partnership--and we each have different skills and experiences and preferences that we bring to that partnership. And my dd is very responsive to being treated as an equal partner in our homeschooling endeavors.

And on another note, I'm sorry that you're having trouble with your ds's care providers. I'm a mental health professional by training, and I think it can be VERY hard for providers to think outside of the short-term/punishment-rewards/behavioral modification box for children that have behavior issues. Is there any hope you could find therapists that were more AP/unschooling friendly?

best wishes!

[skueppers]

I once heard the head of a Sudbury-model school tell a story about a boy who had come to the school after some negative school experiences. At this school they have attendance and behavior requirements, but no academic expectations. Anyway, this kid spent an entire year rollerblading around campus, doing NO academic work.

At the end of the year, he told the head of the school that he'd been waiting to see whether the school would eventually try to get him to do something academic. Once he saw that they were sincere about letting him do whatever he wanted, he felt free to develop his academic interests.

Personally, I'm not an unschooler. But I do think this story may be applicable to your situation. Your son seems to be feeling academic pressure and expectations from you, even if that's not your intention. In the last 14 months, it sounds like you've done quite a few things to encourage an interest in academic subjects, and he's resisted. He may need time entirely free of pressure to believe that you really will allow him the freedom to set his own agenda.

[One_Girl]

This is part of the reason I don't unschool my dd. She is very excited about the schoolwork we do and I try to teach her things that she has interest in and build on them, but when she gets the choice to do something or not she will choose to not do it even if she is bored and can think of nothing else to do except complain about being bored. I also don't think that unschooling lends itself well to the formal schooling I hope she will get in college. I think that you should talk to him about how detrimental you believe his resistance to learning is and give him a choice to learn at home or learn at school (if the schools in your area are not so bad that he shouldn't go to them). Talking through this and telling him that you don't think unschooling is working out will help him understand the change even if he doesn't like it at first.

[zjande]

I think I could write a novel on this subject. Unfortunately. But I'll try to be brief [well, I kind of failed, lol]. This was my experience with my first child, who is now nearly 19:

We began homeschooling when she was in the middle of 4th grade. I called myself a "radical unschooler" for a few yrs. My dd was bored & complained about her boredom but reacted just like your son- she never wanted to do ANYthing I ever suggested. She's just lie around in her room. For years. After some time I'd start worrying that she didn't really seem to be learning anything, my family would question why she was 10 & still didn't know how many feet were in a yard, etc. etc. So, I'd get online, surround myself there with unschoolers, and eat up all the unschooling propaganda. I had tons of doubts lurking in my mind but really wanted to be a "radical unschooler". It sounded ideal!

Fast forward a few more years, when she was a teenager... my dd was still bored, still hid in her room all the time, still resisted with all her might anything that even resembled school work, still wasn't motivated to learn about much on her own. Couldn't stand when I would go through phases where I would try to teach her things, or try to get her to do anything at all. She had few friends & usually refused to go to our homeschool events with us. I bought her the Teenage Liberation Handbook, read the whole thing myself & tried to get her all excited about the book. Didn't work. I tried an independent study program type thing for her when she was around 15. She cried, I gave in & quickly took her out of it. She didn't know how to do math, use proper grammar, or know one thing about history or science. But she did enjoy art & writing & filled many diaries & sketchbooks. She's very creative.

She has always been an awesome dd- friendly, kind, funny, super fun to hang out with, well behaved (never really even went through a "rebellious stage") , & just an all around good friend. It was only when it came to academics, helping out around the house, and getting up before noon - those things were disaster areas.

Eventually, I started beating myself up with guilt. By the time she reached 16...17... I had enormous regrets. I realized what huge holes she had in her knowlege of the world, vocabulary, math- just everything. And she'd never been taught the importance of working as a team with her family (few chores, which she'd sigh & complain through), & I'd allowed her to become extremely lazy. Really & sincerely - I will never get over the guilt I have over the entire thing. I've apologized to her, I tell her that I'm really sorry she was "my guinea pig" & how I learned that I don't want to raise my other kids like I did her (I also was a "radical feminist"- an entire other topic but another area of my parenting that I regret now). She laughs it off now, but man, I feel I really did her a disservice. She's in college now & has to work her butt off because she had little educational background whatsoever. She failed her first (remedial) math class. It'll be some time before she understands even as much world history as her 12 yo brother knows. BUT, she is still a fabulous young women. She has a zillion friends now (once she got out into the work & college world), a very very nice boyfriend, & is doing fine. Y'know, minus her lack of knowlege about.. most things.

Anyway. In my experience, my problems were: Unschooling does not work for me. I don't see how my kids are going to learn about the world if they are left to school themselves- what kid is going to automatically pick up a book on the civil war? Or converting fractions? Or Islam? Or geography of the planet? Or the metric system? All these things are important to know at least something about. And secondly, I was inconsistent. Some weeks I demanded some sort of school work, some weeks I demanded she participate in housework, some weeks I wanted her out of bed before 2 in the afternoon. Other weeks, I didn't. It's embarassing, really.

So, what do all my subsequent children get?? A routine, structured schooling daily & regular chores. I've taught my (oldest) son gratitude, & reasons behind why his help with housework is important (we're a team! Somehow I just never taught my dd that.... I acted like all the housework was my responsibility & to her I'd say, "I'm sorry, but could you pleeease help me make dinner tonight real quick??" & I'd feel guilty asking. Then I'd let her sigh & complain through it. Oy.). My 12 yo knows exactly what to expect. He knows how many hours per week he gets "glowing screen time" & all the things he has to do before hand. I even give him grades! Shocking! LOL

So yeah. I do things a lot different now.

I haven't the slightest idea if anything I've said is even slightly interesting to you (& I hope I haven't offended!), but I couldn't even read the title of your post without thinking "OMG! An unschooled kid that resists everything??? I sure do have experience with that!!" LOL

[ktgrok]

Ok...I don't think this is as bad as you think. If he likes Nova, likes PBS kids shows, and likes to play on the computer, work with that. Let him watch all the PBS he wants. Keep NPR news shows on when you can, particularly science fridays. Maybe look for some roleplaying games that require reading to figure them out. I'd just ease off in general. Remember, many countries don't even start teaching children how to read until age 7, he's only a year older than that, so within normal. Oh, and read to him as much as possible, or let him get books on tape. For writing have him write letters to relatives. That's all I'd worry about right now.

[ktgrok]

"what kid is going to automatically pick up a book on the civil war? Or converting fractions? Or Islam? Or geography of the planet? Or the metric system? All these things are important to know at least something about. "

Um...me. Or my son. I mean, we don't unschool, but he is interested in all sorts of these things.

[Callimom]

Honestly, I would set aside philosophies and experts and go back to your instincts.
What do you think your child needs?
What do your instincts tell you are the right role for you to play *for him*? - not for the 10 year old you.
What resonates for you in terms of how you think he needs to be educated and parented?

I think as parents we need to be mindful of when philosophies and dogma and our perspectives about how we wish we were parented get in the way of really paying attention to what our kids need.

I'd also be really careful about introducing a dynamic where one child or more children are being held out as an example about doing things the "right way" when you have been clear to your older son that he has the freedom to do things the way he wants. It could lead to lots of resentment, competition and all sorts of uncomfortable issues.

I am not an unschooler for what it is worth. I have expectations for my kids education and by extension family life which don't line up with that philosophy. One of them is that they participate in the things our family does which lead to a rich life. They don't skip out of "field trips", or family outings, family game night or movie night or science nights, hikes, family volunteering etc. They are also responsible for helping to make those things happen - by helping with chores etc to get us out the door, or to give us time to do things like movie night.

I believe that there are some kids who absorb and explore things in an incredible, joyful, complete way. My oldest son is like that - a poster child for academic unschooling in a lot of ways - and my youngest is looking like she might follow that kind of path as well. But I have other kids who need invitations to learn, who need me to facilitate their explorations in more concrete and guided ways, who need me to fan the flames of curiousity in them, and who, because of the way they are wired, will need more directed academics which will include dedicated time, stated expectations and focused practise. It would be irresponsible of me to follow an educational philosophy simply because it appealed to me and ignore signs that the philosophy isn't serving them well.

You can still have elements of child centred learning, of following passions, and of giving kids freedom to explore interests while still guiding them to develop skills and exposing them to things which you believe are important to their overall education and development. It's not an either or proposition.

In terms of things that might help now I would talk to him about what 2 or 3 things he wants to learn about over the next couple of months. Brainstorm about how that might look (field trips, classes, mentors, hands on explorations, resources etc etc), set some times aside to do that - field trips on fridays, movies on tuesdays, hands on explorations with Dad on Sunday afternoon. Figure out how you might document it - photos, a blog, a letter to grandma or to the editor of the newspaper, submitting an article to the homeschool newsletter or a list of resources and a review to a edu-wiki etc etc. Be enthusiastic and consistent about supporting this.

I'd look for other things that might spark an interest, JFLL is often a great thing for younger boys (kids but boys seem to love it) but it could be 4H or a rocket club or all kinds of things.

Good luck in finding a workable path for all of you.
Karen

[lach]

I guess I would just examine your own motivations in pursuing unschooling, and your own expectations for his education. Yes, there are stories about amazing unschooled kids who learn everything they can about every subject they've gotten their hands on, but I'm not sure that it is the norm. And I do disagree with the previous poster who said "what child will pick up..." and then listed some examples: I don't think it's rare at all for kids to really get into specific subjects which might seem arcane but which apparently fascinate them. I do, however, think that it's rare for kids to be well-rounded on their own initiative. In my personal experience, kids who obsess over history rarely care much about math, the ones who do algebraic equations for fun in 2nd grade rarely have much of an interest in reading, and so on. As I said, this is just my experience.

Different kids need different things, and some need more structure. As parents, it can be very easy to get caught up in providing the perfect childhood for our kids based solely on what we wanted as children (and this goes well beyond schooling choices) but it's important to remember that our kids are individuals with their own wants and needs. And this is a trap that we all fall into: I know that I have on a few occasions bought something for my daughter just because I always wanted it as a child, or something like that. A further trap that some parents fall into is the idea that there is an automatic "right" way to do something... I don't think that there are many parents who, by the time their child is 6 weeks old, haven't done something that they SWORE they would NEVER do, because ALL the BOOKS said it was wrong wrong wrong! And then you have a baby who only stops crying when he has a pacifier, and you have to step back and regroup and think about your priorities. And then you have a toddler who (despite the fact that you followed all the books!) is a picky eater, and a preschooler who (despite the fact that you practice all the right kinds of discipline and modeling behavior!) starts smacking her little brother every chance she gets... and I think it never really ends. I'm a parenting book fiend, and read as many as I can looking for new perspectives, and I still feel like I'm always winging it.

My point in the above paragraph is just to say that, as parents we're all just muddling through and doing the best we can in every aspect of our lives. And there is nothing wrong with taking something that isn't working and trying to reconfigure it, even if it goes against what you previously thought was an absolute given. Because very few things in life are. And even if you try following your instincts and do something new, there's no guarantee that will be right either. I think it's just important for us all to play around and try to figure out what works best for our individual kids.