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Oh crap!

post #1 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:32pm
Thread Starter 
And the fighting begins...

STBX just texted me threatening that if I don't have DD home by the weekend he is calling the cops because it's illegal for me to just take my DD because I'm pissed at him.

Unfortunately, I asked the lawyer last night about this... and he said technically right now we both have equal rights to take her.

I have not restricted access to her and did allow him to come see her last night... he is the one who has not asked for more time with her... just sent a text threatening me to come home with her by the weekend.

ADVICE PLEASE?!

Edited to vent!
*cries* He just texted me again saying he took the rest of the week off from work and is going to take DD. (legally right now I can't stop him from doing so. )

Which has me pissed off too!! I'm sitting here dealing with him abusing me and having to soldier through work and he is the ass causing me all this stress and heartbreak and he gets to take off of work to laze around?! Because he refused to take any days off for his sick child etc... so I have taken too many days off so far this year!!!

GRRR!!! I really really really really dislike him.

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post #2 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:45pm
I'm sorry.

My advice is to file for something as soon as you can-- separation or divorce. You need to have an interim schedule for visitation while you are hashing out the rest.
post #3 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:46pm
Thread Starter 
I asked the lawyer about it and he said there is no temporary custody thing... that they expect parents to work it out somehow. That the soonest a custody order can get into court right now is July!!
post #4 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:48pm
He is trying to intimidate you. Start the proceedings now! You didn't take her b/c you are pissed, YOU LEFT HIM! Offer him opportunities to see her. Can you call his boss to confirm if he took the time off or not? He could be bluffing.
post #5 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:49pm
what about with a restraining order? yousaid he was being abusive. is it enough to file for a RO? they do temporary custody and visitation....
post #6 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:52pm
Thread Starter 
He is turning things into a he said she said...

I don't know how he knows about me calling the cops on him, unless my sister opened her big mouth to his brother.

But he just texted me saying that he never threatened me. (um okay how else do you take someone yelling at you and throwing things while saying "you have no idea how far you are pushing me, if you were a guy it wouldn't even be a question I'd have hit you by now.")

I told him it came across as threatening to me. And now he is saying I can't be trusted and he is going to sue for paternity of this baby. And make his own report saying I threatened him by raising a fist to him? (which I seriously don't remember ever doing?!)

I have a year's worth of notes of things he has done...

I feel sick.
post #7 of 46
5/12/10 at 2:53pm
Can you leave your parents and go a shelter? I know this was an option you were looking at before, is it still available? This might be a safer route for you given his background, would you and DD be able to be "protected" there until you can get your RO in order?
post #8 of 46
5/12/10 at 3:04pm
I still think you need to file ASAP. Don't engage with him. Restrict communication to e-mail as much as possible so you have a record. And don't respond to anything that isn't specifically about care of your kid.
post #9 of 46
5/12/10 at 3:20pm
Thread Starter 
I can't file. I have no money. I need a retainer fee and my Dad just told me him and Mom talked and they don't have it to give to me.

So I'm screwed.
post #10 of 46
5/12/10 at 3:43pm
ok but back to the abuse...was he or is he abusive, whether verbally, emotionally or physically? You say you have records of this...

I'd call the National Domestic Violence Hotline and ask for advice.
1.800.799.SAFE (7233) 1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Anonymous & Confidential Help 24/7
http://www.ndvh.org/

It can't hurt to talk to someone on the phone and get their advice. Perhaps a shelter is the best thing right now for you and your DD.

Now, if he does "come and take your DD", then I would strongly suggest that you go with her. As I recall, she's quite young, right? Just as *right now* you can't take her away from him, or at the very least restrict access to her, he also cannot prevent you from seeing her. When my separation was very fresh, my STBX made the exact same threats yours is making. He'd call the cops! Of course, he never did, because I made myself and DD available to him. I took DD over to his place during dinner time. She played a bit, but mostly clung to me and eventually got fussy and wanted to nurse. A few visits later, he was rather uninterested in the cops. A few weeks after that, he dropped weekday visits altogether.

So, all that to say that this isn't the end of it all. He's quacking loudly because he feels he's got no control over the situation. I hope you can see that.

Also, I'd consider asking the people at NDVH for a referral to a new lawyer, perhaps one who would be willing to take your case pro-bono, considering your financial situation and the abuse...
post #11 of 46
5/12/10 at 3:56pm
Thread Starter 
So that was the weirdest turn in conversations....

Now he is saying he has decided to let me go because he realizes he can't have the relationship he wants with me me because all the passion is gone.

And that he hopes I continue my counseling because I have a lot of issues to work on.
post #12 of 46
5/12/10 at 3:58pm
um, yah, well, expect him to turn around in a day or so and keep threatening you, or acting irrationally. Call me paranoid, but having lived with an abusive alcoholic and drug user, I tend to think the worst of men in situations where they lose their power.
post #13 of 46
5/12/10 at 4:01pm
He's just flailing about, trying to find an approach that will get you to react the way he wants. As best you can, stay calm and consistent and don't let yourself get rattled. It's very unlikely that he'll sustain his drive for custody, especially if it doesn't quickly get the results he's looking for (i.e., you caving in and moving back).

And you might want to post this in Parents as Partners for the privacy.

Good luck and hang in there
post #14 of 46
5/12/10 at 4:09pm
Wow, I didn't realize you had left him. What I did, that worked for me, with no money, was I went to the clerk of court in our parish (county) and filed for a restraining order and listed all of the abuse, my ex hitting a wall, anything remotely physical. They set a date to go in front of a judge, who then gave me the 18month restraining order and FULL temporary custody of ds for the duration of the order. Actually, it said visitation to be worked out amongst parties, but with me having full custody, it was basically my call. It took maybe a month to go through everything.
He is defintiely threatening you, and I would call him on his bluff, b/c it sounds to me like he's just playing games and is not really all that interested in his daughter as he is in hurting you.
Oh, everything I mentioned was free.
post #15 of 46
5/12/10 at 4:11pm
Wanted to say that you can contact legal aid, which is a low income service to help with legal costs. Google them, I believe it's nationwide.
post #16 of 46
5/12/10 at 4:21pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
So that was the weirdest turn in conversations....

Now he is saying he has decided to let me go because he realizes he can't have the relationship he wants with me me because all the passion is gone.

And that he hopes I continue my counseling because I have a lot of issues to work on.
stay strong mama! You are an amazing person, and you know his moves. s!
post #17 of 46
5/12/10 at 4:25pm
I have known this organization to be helpful and effective. I know someone who got free legal aid and counselling services through them - real help, not just "here, call these numbers..." There are branches outside of the Philly area (meaning they service a wide area in the state)

http://www.helpwomen.org/wp/
post #18 of 46
5/12/10 at 4:41pm
Hopefully he is just blowing smoke. And like every episode of Lost, nothing will actually materialize. You say hes lazy about DSD, chances are, he will be about your children too.
post #19 of 46
5/12/10 at 5:49pm
I got help from the local legal school. I had a law student and her supervising lawyer to work with and it only cost me copies and mileage.
post #20 of 46
5/12/10 at 6:52pm
Throwing things at you is grounds for an RO. Seriously. Was your DD present? If so, its grounds for her to be LISTED - and then he can't see her either. You may have to defend to the DEATH, but it will be ok.

File. Do it yourself. Family court in most places can help you file your own paperwork. Then take it to the atty, and explain what you did and why.

These are the steps I took. It worked.

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Birth Story About Ina May Gaskin Released on DVD--Exclusive Mothering Discount!