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post #41 of 46
Couldn't read & not respond...I fully empathize with your situation! My X was verbally abusive, very emotionally messed up in many ways, but physical confrontations were rare & absolutely no evidence for any of it. I moved out with my 2 kids & immedialtely applied for both a temporary Parenting Order & a Protection order. This was in November, the judge said he would not grant it without a trial...I was not given a court date until March!!! I asked my lawyer what I was supposed to do in the meantime, what the courts expected me to do, & he basically told me it was this gray free-for-all area. Whichever parent manages to snatch the kids gets them until the court date slowly rolls around! I was shocked at this. I am in NZ, but sounds like it's the same situation.

Thankfully, by December we had managed to sit down with our lawyers & write up our own legal agreement for a custody arrangement (I refused to hand the kids over to him until we did, as he often "punished" me by keeping them from me). Since then we have managed to avoid court & make decisions through mediation (which I am completely shocked by, actually).

But it's so frustrating that it's just the whim of the judge that dictates whether you get immediate legal protection, or if you have to argue for it in court, which could take months. It's just not practical.

I wish you the best of luck in sorting out your situation. I've been out for about 7 months now & though there are many struggles, life is much better. And my mostly unreasonable X has surprised me with how he's calmed down...I wish the same for you!!!
post #42 of 46
JSMa, I don't know you at all, but can I just say that I am so proud of you for taking this step. I know it's hard, and very scary, but when I left my abusive XH, I just had to keep telling myself that the certainty of my marriage was FAR MORE scary than the uncertainty of where I go from here. I left my ex 14 months ago. From the day I left him to the day our divorce was finalized (took 5 months), he ran the full range of threats, manipulations, emotions (whether real or not), he "found Jesus", he checked himself into a mental facility for about 3 days, he just did some really crazy things when he realized he did not have control over me anymore. One of them was to threaten to take our son and just disappear. He also told me that he was "not afraid to go to jail for something he believed in." It was a very scary time for me, and while now, finally, we both have moved on in some ways, and we are cordial now, I am STILL on high alert whenever I am around him. In the end, all of those things he did were desperate attempts to regain control, but when he realized he NEVER would, he rolled over and gave me physical custody of our son without fighting, and moved out of our home so that my son and I could move back in. I have found, through my ex and the ex of my best friend (certainly not scientific, just life experience) that a lot of these abusive men are a lot of smoke and mirrors, and once you make such drastic actions and stand up for yourself, they are much less powerful. AND NO, this does NOT apply with all abusive men, and I don't know your STBX at all, so I can't guage YOUR specific situation, and I wouldn't want you to do anything that puts yourself in danger. One thing I am absolutely adamant on now is that he is NOT allowed in my house unless I specifically tell him he may enter, and even then, not past my back entry way, and I am NEVER alone with him. EVER. Also, I do not engage in arguments, and any conflict is handled via e-mail or text message, which is annoying, but at least it's in writing, and he's not screaming in my face.

Good luck sweetie...you have made a HUGE first step and fwiw, I am proud of you.
post #43 of 46
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone!

So far, it definitely seems STBX is going to take the lazy route. Just in the past week he has cancelled time offered, I think I'm up to three instances? I'm tracking it all in notes.

He seems to be pulling any manipulation trick out of his book to try to get to me. But once he realizes it's not working, he tries something else.

He is also doing the "I'm a nice guy" routine. He helped pack some things up for me to take this weekend and even helped carry them out to the car. (And yes I'm refusing to be alone with him, my sister came one day and my Mom the other)

Last night he told me he made a whole package of ribs and won't be able to eat them all, so is offering to bring some over to me.

Then he says weird things... like he told me when he told DSD's Mom about us she said to him that it's too bad that DSD would get the wrong idea, or they could room together. Which would be hysterical since they fight more than him and I even do.

So basically we are working through the important things, ie custody, cordially.
post #44 of 46
You go girl!!!

Others have had success with sending an email to their STBXs saying something along the lines of:

We are separated as of (date) in anticipation of dissolving our marriage. In the best interests of our DD, establishing a consistent schedule will help her through this change in her life. I propose the following:

(insert whatever time/schedule you want)

Please let me know if this schedule is consistent with your thoughts. If not, please propose an alternative schedule.



I'm struggling with writing today - if you search through the threads on establishing custody, I want to say that's where these types of letters generally show up. they also have things that I haven't considered (like cancellation/rescheduling things). Basically you want to look really good now, so that he hangs himself with his laziness that you can demonstrate when you get in front of a judge.

Rather than a list of notes, one friend used a calendar and two highlighers -mom parenting time was pink, dad time was blue. any time there was a change, they highlighted over the time that changed with yellow (turning the pink orange and the blue green). If there's a lot of green, that shows a judge VERY CLEARLY that dad changes his parenting time A LOT. THEN you can read the explanation (dad didn't show, dad cancelled, dad had to work, whatever).

Add me to the list of people who are so proud of you. You are an amazing momma!
post #45 of 46
Thread Starter 
I love both of those ideas, momof4peppers!

I'm really working with custody with him right now, because I'm fairly certain it will have to change in a month when he moves out of the house.

We had a meeting to discuss it and his point was very valid that it would be difficult to set a permanent schedule up right now since if he has to move to a different town (likely) then he may not be able to take DD in the mornings anymore... same thing goes with, he figures he will have to get a second job that will eliminate mornings and some weekend time.

So, right now, I'm just documenting that I am indeed offering time to him now that he has it. And waiting for him to get his act together and figure out what he is doing at the end of June. That is what my parents gave him to get out of the house that we were renting from them.

But I did tell him and he agreed that we will write up our own custody guidelines and sign it... at least it will be something on hand until we can get it legalized. But this won't happen until he knows where he will be living and what his second job hours will be.
post #46 of 46
How about saying that visitation will be "as agreed upon between the parties"? As long it's also documented that you have custody, then hopefully that would leave visitation to your discretion when he starts acting unstable (as he inevitably will) and you don't want to send your children to someone that's punching walls or not feeding them properly (as he's done in the past). Of course, check with a lawyer first, but it's an idea. I'm glad he's flaking out on visits instead of harrassing you.
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