How to explain to my mother...

[AFWife]

that I don't WANT to go out all the time?

I've been a SAHM for a year now and it suits me just fine. Going to the grocery store with DH on the weekends fulfills my "out" need most weeks. On weeks that I need more I tell him and we go to lunch or something. I get along with his coworkers and we do lunch or have them over on occasion. Again, this is fine for my "time with people" need.

I've never been very "social" honestly. For a long time I faked it because I had no choice. (step-dad is a pastor so there were a lot of forced outings and I had to be part of lots of groups...I was NEVER given a choice) I always preferred to hang out with friends on occasion and then retreat to my room with a good book.

Anyway, my mother has this OBSESSION with my "getting out." It's driving me crazy. She's a social person and needs people with her all the time. I've tried to explain to her that I'M FINE. I have people online (DDC moms mostly) that I talk to and I get out at least once a week...but it's like she doesn't hear me.


Anyone else? Ideas?? She's now offering to pay for me to attend a "mommy and me" group.

[DoulaVallere]

Could it be that your mom is more worried about your son having interaction than you? Esp if she's suggesting a Mommy and Me class rather than you and she going somewhere together.

I'm not a very social person either, DH knew that I was totally a homebody and perfectly happy laying in bed reading all day, so when we were talking about me being a SAHM, his FIRST concern was that I get out of the house a couple of times a week so that our son could interact with others.

*shrug*

[AFWife]

I dunno. He's a year old. It isn't the first time she's suggested getting out... sometimes she says leave DS with DH and just GO. So I don't think DS is her concern.

[Tigerchild]

If you're close to her, then maybe you could ask her if she wishes she had gotten out more when you were a kiddo, and so she's worried that you might have the same feelings she did. Or, conversely if because you're doing things differently is she thinking that you think she went out too much?

When someone gets obsessive about that, I think most of the time it's projection of some kind. If you don't really care about her experience or aren't close to her, I would just let it roll off your back and ignore it or give non-engaging answers. But if you do have a good relationship, it might make for an interesting discussion, perhaps allowing you to see a side of your mom that you've not, before.

[Kidzaplenty]

Are you my sister?

My mom was the same way for years. Nothing I did or said could convince her that I was fine, even happy, in my "isolated" life. I finally just had to spell it out, in writing, and then follow it up with MANY "I can't go out today, sorry"'s. It took a while, and in the end, she has stopped inviting me any where or to anything. That's OK, though. I am very happy with my family and limited interactions.

[BetsyS]

I guess it depends on the backstory.

My mom and I get along very well. I talk to her several times a week, facebook almost every day, and I see her at least once a week. She says stuff like this every once in a while. I take it for what it's worth--she cares about me and loves me, she's "been along this road" a lot longer than I have (she is a long time homemaker), and she wants the best for me. That said, when she throws something like this out, I consider if it has any merit, and then I decide what to do.

One thing that I really notice is that, when I'm unhappy, my mom picks up on it. She really wants me to be happy. So, if I'm complaining a lot, or if I'm feeling overwhelmed, she can feel it. And that's when she starts making suggestions. So, if I don't want all the suggestions, then I start examining, hey, maybe I shouldn't use her as a place to vent. She sees it as unhappy, and she wants to fix it. She's not a good place to just vent.

[AFWife]

backstory: My mom has a strong dislike for my husband and is CONVINCED that he's abusive and has forced me to "give up on my dream of being a doctor" and "stay at home"...both were my decision. We have a surface relationship. I can't confide in her because she blames my DH for everything and subtly encourages me to leave him...

[BetsyS]

Oh, that's about 180 degrees away from me and my mom. (()) I'm so sorry for that!

I think I'd just ignore her.

[HappyFox05]

Have her read this blog post - http://www.geneveith.com/about-introverts/_4726/.

[Tigerchild]

Originally Posted by AFWife

backstory: My mom has a strong dislike for my husband and is CONVINCED that he's abusive and has forced me to "give up on my dream of being a doctor" and "stay at home"...both were my decision. We have a surface relationship. I can't confide in her because she blames my DH for everything and subtly encourages me to leave him...

Well, there you have your answer.

Honestly, with that kind of behavior, subtle or not, I would take the bull by the horns. "Mom, I'm happy with my life. If I would like your help, I'll let you know. Being pushy is only going to push you out of my life, because I'm at the end of my patience. Don't mention mothers day out stuff again." And if she does, hang up, after politely explaining that you'll talk to her again soon when she can respect your wishes.

I have a surface relationship with my mom too. My tolerance for that kind of behavior is extremely low from her. She tests me now and then, but over the years it's gotten extremely easy to tell her no, and to butt out. I don't send her articles, or have deep discussions with her, because she doesn't give a damn about what I want or what is best for me--she only wants to manipulate things so they fit into HER sense of propriety or fantasy (which at best is just not my thing, but at worst can be pretty twisted). If she's decided that your DH is abusive for no reason and is trying to get you to leave, then to be blunt she is a danger to your family. I can't see much value in trying to convice someone of something when they are actively trying to destroy your family. A simple no thanks, and here is what will happen if you continue to badger me seem like a good response.

[jeteaa]

I am more of an introvert than extrovert, but not to the extreme. Sounds like your mom in an extreme extrovert. I have come to realize that extroverts just don't understand how draining it can be for non extroverts to be around people all the time.

[nola79]

I think I would just ignore her, too. I mean, on this issue, anyway. You've obviously told her you are happy with your life the way it is. Tell her one more time, clearly, and then don't worry about it anymore.
It would drive me insane to be around people everyday.

[mattemma04]

My favorite time is when I park the car in the garage and lock our gate.Days or weeks at home....sweet. So I totally agree.

I would just keep turning down the outing invitations.Maybe let the machine handle more of the phone calls.

If she dislikes your dh and blames him for what she had planned for your life...well there is no making that better for her.She has to deal with it.Remind her that you are fine,relationship is good not abusive,and that you prefer to stay home rather than go out all the time.

Eventually she will tire of it,and if she doesn't the answering machine will get a workout!

[jp79]

When I read the original post, my first thought was that maybe Mom didn't have the option to get out, and felt trapped being a SAHM? However, after reading your second post, I think that Mom is unclear of the boundaries in your relationship. You need to be firm with her -- let her know that you are perfectly happy with the way that you have chosen to do things. Good luck!!