Can't cut it at as WOHM, can't cut it as a SAHM...

[texmati]

Just not cut out to be a mother?

I'm not sure what to do... I'm considering quitting work and staying at home for a while. I was at my wits end at work... barely got any work done, and missed my DS.

Supportive DH suggested a week off before quitting, and I'm on day 3 and *exhausted*. My son is so demanding. He just. doesn't. stop. by the end of the work day, I'm tired of him :. I thought staying at home would make things better around here (better in terms of what we were eating, general stress level, DH's sleeping, ect.)

But I'm not sure how much of a difference it makes. To cap it off-- the sitter quit, so even going back to work will require getting accustomed to a new person. .

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do. I feel so bad about myself. What kind of mother get's tired of her child? what kind of SHAM can't get anything done but childcare, and doesn't even do that well. me, that's who

[ps4624]

Every SAHM Mom gets tired of their child. Most of us can barely get anything done. Please, trust me on this. It is an exhausting, mind numbing, frustrating job and the pay stinks. On the other hand, it's also a true blessing and joy.

I've been at home with my DD for 15 months and I still don't feel like I'm doing it right. Days that I can get a load of laundry done, have some sort of food on the table and make sure the house hasn't burned down are pretty rare. SAHMing has taught me a lot about prioritization and sacrifice.

Give yourself some time to see if it's a good fit.

Hugs to you

[Juvysen]

LOL I'm an SAHM, and if i get a load or two of laundry washed (generally not folded, even) and everyone is properly diapered and fed by the end of the day, I'm doing good. And, yes, I'm tired of my kids by dinner... usually before Part of the job, imo....

[texmati]

Thank you so much.

I guess, I was hoping that things would bey *way* better for our family if I stayed at home. Either for DS or DH or me, or the family as a whole. He has to be better off with me than with the nanny, right?

I just don't know. We have been eating better all week. but other than that, I don't know if it's better for me to be with my son all day, and get sick of him, or just see him 4 hour, (maximum on the weekdays), and love every minute of it.

My mom is pretty anti sham, and she always slips in a "it doesn't matter", or "the nanny is better at taking care of DS", or "DS won't know the difference" or "you will quit, and then want to work, and then you won't be able to find a job". Those are all my worst fears. (add in a "my dh will get tired of me being at home" for good measure.)

I just want to look forward to the day when I wake up. There has got to be a better life than this. I was so happy during mat leave, even though ds screamed all day.

Ineed a cookie.

[Juvysen]

Well, first off - any change in a child's life can cause some craziness for a while - even having mommy around more than usual and never seeing the babysitter.

Second, the babysitter's not BETTER for him than you are - she's just a way for you to be able to work out of the house.

Third, your mom's not the one who gets to live your life, you do. So do what you feel is best for YOU, not what she thinks is best for you.

Fourth... I found the key to being happy as a SAHM is to get out of the house frequently. Go to the park, go to the mall, go for a walk, head out and do SOMETHING. Find other at-home moms in your area (check in the finding your tribe section) and set up playdates! I get really housebound if I'm here all the time, and my kids get really antsy and obnoxious - we *need* to get out. I *hated* being an at home mom when I didn't know anyone else who was one... plus, if you're home all day, there's more mess to deal with than if you're out all day (and there's subsequently no one at home to *make* messes)

Fifth... I'm in full support of the cookie acquisition s Enjoy!

[KayleeZoo]

((texmati)), hang in there, Mama!

First off, your little guy is NOT better off with the sitter; a nanny is just a means to an end- it allows you to work. Nobody is better for your infant than his mama If there's one thing that being a full-time mommy for 10 years has taught me, SAHMing is like any other job- it takes awhile to learn the skills, to be proficient and productive. And like any other job, some days just suck and you chalk it up to a bad day and hope the next one is better. Please don't let your mom make you feel less confident as a mother- remember, you've only been doing it for 8 months or so, and if you've been working and spending 4hrs/day with your babe, you haven't had as much practice as someone who has been SAHMing from the beginning.

Honestly, I think it will take more than a week for you to get into the "groove" of being a full time parent. I think some feel that it's "just" staying at home, but it's so much more than "just" changing diapers, doing laundry and trying to get dinner on the table. It's meeting your child's needs, every second of every minute, 24 hours a day. You just can't compare that to any other type of job, and you can't jump in and get a handle on it in a few days, if that makes any sense. If you truly would rather work, then that's another deal alltogether. And ALL SAHMs get sick of their kids Several times a day some days but being a full time mommy is about getting through those time and cherishing all the other moments when there is nowhere in the world you'd rather be than WITH them, and those moments are MUCH more plentiful in the long run

I can tell you that the rewards from being a SAHM are so very far-reaching that they can't really be described; knowing that you'll never look back and think, "Oh, I wish I hadn't missed out on that time" is something you can't assign a value to. When your 10 year old thanks you for being there- every single day- and tells you how lucky she feels that you've been the one taking care of her, not a babysitter or a daycare, and how she is grateful for the sacrifices you've made, well, I can't adequately describe that, either. It's just something you have to experience to appreciate, I guess.

I hope that you find the solution that works best for your baby, yourself and your DH. Lots of hugs and support coming your way!!!!

[happysmileylady]

You could also try something in between, like working part time, or working from home.

[crunchy_mommy]

You know how many times I've felt the same?

I'm WAH part-time right now. I hate it. I won't even entertain WOH, as WAH is bad enough. I am also basically a SAHM at the same time, and I feel just like you described -- I get tired of it, and I can't get anything done besides very basic childcare. I also feel that I just wasn't cut out to be a mom.

One thing I should mention though, is being a permanent SAHM is very different from taking a week off. In one week, you don't have time to arrange things that make being a SAHM more enjoyable (at least for me) like playdates & story hours & getting into a routine. If you were permanently a SAHM (is that financially possible for you?) then you would eventually find a good rhythm and you could set up things to make you happy (whether that's socializing or hiring cleaning help or having DH take over parenting when he gets home so you can go do YOUR thing... know what I mean?) When I was WAH full-time and took a week off for vacation, I went stir-crazy. I will be honest, I still go a bit stir-crazy being permanently part-time but I've only been doing it for a month or two, I think it will get better... and I joined a mom's group on meetup, and I take DS to story hours and stuff... Could you try being a SAHM for a few months? You could always go back to work or try WAH if you need something *more*...

ETA: I forgot to add that your son DOES know the difference if it's you vs. a sitter & I absolutely think he'd be better off with you instead as long as you are happy with that arrangement (and like I said, it may take time for you to be really happy with it). If you are happier WOH then I think he's best off with a happy mama and a sitter vs. a not-happy mom, but it doesn't sound like you'd be happier at work. Anyway, I also wanted to say that I think your expectations of yourself as a SAHM are sky-high!! Maybe if you lowered them a little you would have more time to be happy?

[Owen'nZoe]

Originally Posted by crunchy_mommy

You know how many times I've felt the same?

I'm WAH part-time right now. I hate it. I won't even entertain WOH, as WAH is bad enough. I am also basically a SAHM at the same time, and I feel just like you described -- I get tired of it, and I can't get anything done besides very basic childcare. I also feel that I just wasn't cut out to be a mom.

I know you weren't the one looking for advice, but I just had to respond - I'm a WAHM one day a week, WOHM 3 days a week, and home with my kiddos the 5th day. My WAHM day is, far-and-away, the hardest day of my week. I love my WOH days (although I wouldn't want to do more than 3), love my SAH day (I wouldn't mind another day or 2 of those each week, but wouldn't want to do 5 of those ), and simultaneously feel like the worst mother ever and worst employee ever on my WAHM days. It isn't you - it so hard!

[azgirl]

A few things come to mind:
It takes a while to get a rhythm down, when you do it might get better...It takes me a while to figure things out every time we get to a new stage even. So I wouldn't give up on being a SAHM yet...

Some people really do enjoy having a job away from home MORE than being at home with a small child all day. I honestly feel like that is okay. Is it possible your mom is trying to be supportive of the path she thinks you enjoy more or is a better fit for you? It sounds like she has succeeded in shaking your confidence as a SAHM, but maybe that is not the intent...if you find that working is a better fit, her words would be more comforting.

If you decide you do want to make a go of being a SAHM there are lots of ideas about how to make that work better!

why did the nanny quit?

[lolar2]

Have you considered looking for a different job instead?

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by Owen'nZoe

I know you weren't the one looking for advice, but I just had to respond - I'm a WAHM one day a week, WOHM 3 days a week, and home with my kiddos the 5th day. My WAHM day is, far-and-away, the hardest day of my week. I love my WOH days (although I wouldn't want to do more than 3), love my SAH day (I wouldn't mind another day or 2 of those each week, but wouldn't want to do 5 of those ), and simultaneously feel like the worst mother ever and worst employee ever on my WAHM days. It isn't you - it so hard!

Thanks. At least I'm part-time now, and can work mostly when DS is sleeping, which is WAYYY better. Housework doesn't get done but oh well. If I didn't hate the job itself so much it might not be so bad but probably still TOUGH. You know, I think being a mom in general is hard. I don't know why some seem to have an easier time than others but I don't think being a mom could ever be as easy as I expected!!

[berry987]

As others have said, it is obviously not all flowers and sunshine as a SAHM. That said, it can be very rewarding.

I definitely agree that there is going to be an adjustment period for both your son and you. When you start a new job you don't expect to go in, know how everything runs, do it great, have fun, and feel satisfied at the end of the day. You sort of expect a period of time where you fudging everything up and learning and don't know your way around the new office. Well it's the same as a SAHM. Your son has routines during the week that you aren't as familiar with and you are learning new things. So cut yourself some slack!

I can't tell you what the right decision is, but give yourself some time to figure it out. And, yes, we all get tired of our kids. I am SOOO ready to hand them over to my DH when he is done working because, well, I'm totally spent at the end of the day. But I honestly wouldn't trade it for working outside the home.

[swd12422]

Just wondering how old your LO is? I agree with PPs that it takes awhile to get into a rhythm. And I had the same issues (can't accomplish anything but child care while at home, and even that wasn't going so well) when I was at home with DS at first. 2 years later, it's still hard, but the laundry gets done and we have a routine, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The only thing I'd change is my patience level, which is much too low to be a SAHM. But when I think about whether DS would be better off with a sitter who might be more patient, the answer is always no. No one will take better care of your child than you will. Even with all the mistakes and feelings of inadequacy that most moms have and few admit to.

And as for your mom saying it doesn't matter, personally I think it does. I've seen how my son is with other people and have thought he'd be happier with someone else watching him all day. But we wouldn't have the bond we have now if I'd sent him off to someone else. It's indescribable. And no, I'm NOT saying that WOHMs don't bond with their kids. I'm saying that for me, it has made a very big difference b/c I know my personality and how I form bonds with people. And it wouldn't be like this if I'd been WOH these two years.

[KayleeZoo]

No one will take better care of your child than you will. Even with all the mistakes and feelings of inadequacy that most moms have and few admit to.

And as for your mom saying it doesn't matter, personally I think it does. I've seen how my son is with other people and have thought he'd be happier with someone else watching him all day. But we wouldn't have the bond we have now if I'd sent him off to someone else. It's indescribable.

[windsorheightsmom]

Hang on a second--you're on day three of your experiment as a stay at home mom. Your son's schedule has been thrown off, so he's probably extra demanding right now. That doesn't mean you two wouldn't be able to settle into a routine that works for everyone.

With my first son, I had to schedule at least one activity outside the house every day. Even if it was just taking him along for an errand, we had to get out of the house. Preferably I had some kind of play date or took him to a park/indoor play area. If we stayed home all day we were both stressed out by the end. Son number two is totally different--we could stay home all day for several days in a row without having problems.

I'm not saying you should definitely quit your job, but be realistic: just because it didn't instantly click for you doesn't mean you're not cut out to be a SAHM. Transitions take time. Way before I had kids, I had trouble transitioning from full-time work in a busy office to being alone all day in an apartment as a grad student.

[texmati]

Thank you so much you guys! The rest of the week went so much better. It's sunday and I'm still second guessing my decision to stay at home-- I've got to give my two weeks tomorrow. I"m so, so, so very terrified.

We will be living bare bones if I quit-- DH and I just went over the budget again. I"m literally so anxious about it, I can't breathe. To complicate matters, I think I'm pregnant.

Thank you so much for your replies. Most people around me don't agree with my descion, so I feel like I have no one to talk to.

I am considering starting to look for a new job as soon as I quit-- but the only good thing about my job right now is that it's flexible. I work roughly 30 hours a week right now, but I get paid like a full time employee. now that I've gotten enough sleep and time with my son, I feel like I could go back and be a better employee, and maybe get more out of my job. I feel like I just need a 25% longer day. Just a few more hours with my son, or sleep or rest and I could do this.

Why aren't there two of me? !

[crunchy_mommy]

Originally Posted by texmati

Why aren't there two of me? !

I know the feeling, I need one of me to clean, one to work, and one to take care of DS... oh and maybe one to read, relax, and spend time with DH... OK so 4. We should all have 4 clones.

I hope things go well & you find peace with your decision!! Any kind of change is hard but this sounds particularly stressful!

[texmati]

thanks for the good wishes crunch mommy! I'm back at work, and feeling like a million bucks. My boss is handing me more responsibility, and the minute I walked in a coworker gave me a magazine clipping about the cost of rasing a child he had saved for me.

I feel like I can do this! Maybe I just need to manage my vacation better. a few days off each month, perhaps?

[crunchy_mommy]

Yes that might make a huge difference, taking your vacation!! I always sandbag my vacation & end up trying to use it all up at once or cash it out or something... Would your employer be receptive to a 4-day workweek? You could combine vacation time with going in early or staying late occasionally so that you have a day off every week or two & still get your 40 hours. Just an idea. I'm glad you are feeling so much better today!!!