Bullying doesn't prepare you for anything

[sapphire_chan]

I don't have the article reference yet but just read this from a friend of mine:

So, educators, parents, psychologists, and brain-scientists (not psychologists- actual physical brain studiers), all got together recently to report this:

Bullying does not make one better at handling situations in which one is bullied. Thicker skin? Nope. Better emotional control? Zip. Confidence, heroism, ability to stand up to fierce foes? Zero. Character building; rite of passage; advancing the fate of the human race? Uh, no.

Bullying, in fact, makes one LESS able to deal with situations in which one is bullied.

...
Also, if you or a loved one is being bullied, get out. You're not proving anything by staying, and it's actively making you a less-capable human being. I have the brain scans to prove it.

Also

the ONLY proven cure for bullying is a peer saying, "That is very uncool. You're being a sneaky little jerk."

It can even reverse the effects of the bullying. You know, "Woah- if Joey thinks I'm worth protecting, I've got to be worth something!"

Teach the kids around you to protect each other. No one deserves to be told "you're worthless" until they believe it themselves.

(I hope I'm within the 150 limit, there's more, but I'll leave that for after I (hopefully) get mod permission)

[LukesMum]

please please please....post a link or something....could you forward to my email?/ I am dealing with this right now

[jessemoon]

I'm interested too!

[sapphire_chan]

Sorry, all I have is from a friends-locked livejournal post. The reference has been requested and as soon as I have a link or other info, I'll add it.

[The4OfUs]

Subbing, becasue I am concerned about my DS being an easy target for bullying a he gets older. Thanks so much.

[madskye]

Wow! That is so interesting. One of my strongest memories from middle school is of getting pushed around one day in band class, and out of nowhere The Coolest Girl In The School came up and got in between me and the bully and said "You don't push her! She's little! Back off, jerk!" (Cool Girl was about 2 years older than I was) I still admire her so much, and I actually wanted to name my daughter after her almost 30 years later!

But yes, that is correct--her standing up for me really helped my feelings of selfworth in that situation. I don't even remember who was bullying me now I just remember Caroline's actions that stopped it.

[mom2ponygirl]

My daughter had a boy spit in her face at the playground. I'll never forget the group of older kids who quickly surrounded my little girl, gave her hugs, and marched over to the moms sitting near by to demand something be done! What could have been a horrible experience ended up being one where my little girl felt protected and like she belonged.

The boy's mom was furious and dealt with the situation immediately (he's on the autism spectrum and had self-control issues when he was younger). My daughter sought this boy out the next park day and figured out how to talk to him about things he liked. They didn't become buddies, but they are friends and never had another problem. (the spitting happened 5 years ago)

I look forward to seeing your references - I so agree that it takes other kids intervening. I also saw mean girl stuff shut down. A girl in the group was taunting a boy and saying he was ugly. All in unison, 4 other girls exclaimed,'That is just mean. You should never say things like that. That is not true!'

[Juvysen]

Interested, too. I had a bully for YEARS in elementary school... I finally worked up the courage to call him a turkey (yep. exactly what my mom said to do.) after he called me shrimp scampi (which in retrospect seems so silly but at the time it was apparently a huge insult - 5th grade) and he backed down and stopped bullying me - actually begged me to stop calling him a turkey. So weird. I'm still a little stunned by the situation.

[sapphire_chan]

Okay, it wasn't from one article it was from a whole series of professional development conferences and reading and so forth that summarized to the above.

My friend recommends watching "This Emotional Life", a PBS show, for more info on that.

And she wants me to clarify:

Finally, as a last clarification, when I speak of bullies, I am not talking about a playground incident in which one child makes fun of or taunts another child. I am talking about an aggressor/victim relationship of long-standing which, were it held between two adults, would have a legal criminal definition. Social put-downs are common to the human existence, and a nice way to build empathy, but do not cover the whole scope of the bully/victim relationship.

Like shaken baby syndrome, the true violence and malevolence of the action can be obscured by the nomenclature.

For more info on social/emotional health in early childhood: http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/

[Geofizz]

I disagree, those first quotes resonated so strongly with many posters here because it does apply to children at school. The research may not be based on children, but the situations are the same.

It's important to note, particularly as Juvysen put it, "playground incidents" tend not to be single, isolated events, but part of a long-running pattern of an aggressor/victim relationship. What's more, it is very hard to a child to "get out" as recommended in the OP, because they are in school. Indeed, it is the mentality of the school that these are isolated incidents that make a parent's job in advocating and helping the bullied kid so hard.

As referred to in the OP, I am forever grateful to that peer who stuck up for me in 8th grade to my long-standing bully telling her that her behavior was out of line ("so not cool" I believe were her words...) It really did make a difference to me.

[SomedayMom]

I had a pair of bullies throughout elementary school. No one ever stood up for me and I definitely agree. It didn't teach me anything positive. It didn't make me stronger. It made me an adult with a lot of social anxiety to overcome. It also made me an extremely protective mother. I spent time choosing a school that had a good policy and record against bullying where i felt that the teachers would take notice and take action if a bullying incident came up. And I watch carefully to make sure my boys are not victims or bullies themselves. My older son is very sensitive and enough like me to make me nervous. I am working hard to give him the skills to stand up for himself and for other kids.

[One_Girl]

I think kids can be very helpful in stomping out bullying. I had a kid who bullied me in my last two years of Elementary school and he was shut down by another kid when he tried to continue the first day of junior high. I think it is also important to seperate isolated incidents from long term ones when we define bullying. A little bit of teasing is normal for people of all ages, especially with kids who aren't able to see that what is fun to them may not be fun to another child. Bullying is more long term and malicious.

[sunnmama]

Want to add a recommendation for Barbara Coloroso's The Bully, the Bully, and the Bystander to this thread. She emphasizes the role of other children in dealing with bullies, as evidenced by the "bystander" in the title.

My dd isn't bullied, but the school does a lot of little workshops on bullying, with the counselor visiting the classrooms and working with the kids. Both at school and at home, she gets the message that kids can and should step in to stand up to bullies.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Geofizz

I disagree, those first quotes resonated so strongly with many posters here because it does apply to children at school. The research may not be based on children, but the situations are the same.

Er, please re-read.
"were it held between two adults" subjunctive case.

[Geofizz]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Er, please re-read.
"were it held between two adults" subjunctive case.

: I read that statement several times before responding, but I guess the fact I was doing it while on a phone conference and an unfortunate line break, I misread several times. I'm glad we view this similarly.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Geofizz

What's more, it is very hard to a child to "get out" as recommended in the OP, because they are in school.

Well, yes, that part was about other situations, but I have seen people who have already made plans to pull their kid out of a bad school situation think that the kid has to finish out the semester or year first. No, "sticking with it" when you can't get the bullying stopped isn't helpful.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Geofizz

: I read that statement several times before responding, but I guess the fact I was doing it while on a phone conference and an unfortunate line break, I misread several times. I'm glad we view this similarly.

That's what I figured.

It really does emphasize how bad bullying is though. To think that if an adult did it to an adult they'd be in taken to court.

[kathymuggle]

Thank you for posting! Bullying is an issue quite close to my heart......

I need to bookmark this post to trot out in the future when someone says something like "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

FWIW, I was laos bullied. I remember one person defending me once -and while it stopped that incident, more ocurred later on. It did not stop it for good.

I almost always vote "get out". I would never tolerate hanging around abusers as an adult - and do not expect my children to .