What role does your partner take in the baby's care?

[jsh7809]

I know a lot of you have prior children so you and your DH or partner might already have a system basically in place. Ours is struggling.
My DH is a wonderful, sensitive, caring person. The day DD was born, he was with her through her separation from me (due to her meconium aspiration and them my emergency surgery) and felt a bond with her right away. He was thrown into daddy mode instantly and kept his hand on her belly even when he couldn't pick her up, talked to her, held her, etc. The first week of her life, when she was so easy and barely cried, he held her probably more than I did, cuddled her, and barely let any of our family hold her, changed her diapers often, etc. It was adorable!
Then the second week she kind of "woke up" more and started getting more demanding, and much more fussy in the evenings particularly. I was starting to feel physically recovered and more with it but my dreams of the 3 of us snuggled up in bed or on the couch didn't really pan out since he and I ended up taking shifts a lot of the day so we could both rest. He learned how to swaddle and shush her really well but she is already starting to reject that.
Now she is 3.5 weeks, and he's been back at work for a week and a half and his main interactions with her are: crying or grunting baby early early in the morning before work. Then fussy, grouchy crying baby after work up until bedtime.
Last night he and I talked openly and he said he is having a really hard time feeling connected to her because she is so grouchy when he's home, and she doesn't want anything from him (this is a kid who ONLY wants to nurse, constantly), and he feels rejected because she seems to scream more with him. I think this is mostly because he's not used to trying to soothe a baby and gets impatient with her really quickly these days.
I was glad he was honest but it made me sad. I want him to feel connected (I know that comes later for a lot of dads when the babies are more interactive) and I NEED him to get better at comforting and soothing her. Not only do I feel burnt out but in a few weeks I will have to work all day (not every day, just one here and there) and worry he will have a nightmare day with screaming crying baby on his hands.
So, here is my dilemma. I need more help from him. But I see him get to the end of his rope with her within 5 minutes more and more and then no one is getting a break because it stresses me out so much. He is less inclined these days to hold her or offer to change her diaper because she often screams when he takes her.
I would love him to take care of her for some time in the evening but all she wants is the boob. He works all day so I feel guilty and I don't want to wake him up in the mornings. The unfeminist secret in me, too, is that I wanted to have a baby for a long time, and he didn't. He does want and love THIS baby, and was really great and positive throughout my pregnancy. But I can't shake this ridiculous "can't let us be a burden" feeling, which is dumb because he's my partner and her father, and because he sees me breaking down and crying anyway.
At this point I'm going to ask him to work more to help me in ways like: cooking dinners more, cleaning up the house, changing diapers, trying to wear her in a sling, etc. But it's so hard because she is much more fussy with him and he doesn't have the boobs for her...
Maybe this is a vent more than anything. How do you manage this?

[GreenTeaGinger61]

This is one of the toughest aspects of parenting. Dh and I are on four and there are times when we still have to hammer this out. Right now Rowena is totally depending on me more. I see that as pretty normal as she's still a young infant. Her life consists of nursing and adjusting to the world around here. Dh occassionally takes her in the mornings (even on work days he did this this morning) so that I can sleep a bit and so he can bond with her. He also holds her while I cook,etc and takes her outside a lot to walk around when he gets home from work. His big role is supporting me by helping with cleaning, etc. Once he's home for the summer, he'll jump in a lot more.

Now here's what we learned, take it or leave it. It may work for your or not! I had to learn to back off and let dh do his thing. It was very hard for me to do this. It was a lot easier to grab the baby away from him when I could see he was frustrated. I totally messed up dh's chance to bond with our son (not on purpose). The second time around I was forced to let him deal. He had to watch our daughter while I worked. It was the best thing for both of us. He learned to care for her in his own way, and I had a partner in parenting.

What I learned is that sometime its better if I'm around. All of my babies wanted me if they could see, hear, or smell me. And if I was too close, it was way too tempting to step in and take over. But if I'm sleeping (like in the mornings) or if I'm out of the house than dh has to deal with her. I know he's not going to kill the babies so in the beginning I go for a walk, go to the store real quick, or to the gym. Eventually I go to cafes and read, or go out with a friend for an hour. It's an excellent time for dh to find his own way with each baby and I'm not an anxious mess because I can hear the baby crying.

Personally I am not a big believer in nurturing as some kind of inborn thing. I think men and women both have to learn to nurture. Women are often at an advantage because they've been conditioned to nurture from a young age (I wasn't, and I have struggled with this since the birth of my son). I think men often feel underminded and unable to nurture their children. But when given a chance they are awesome at it!

[jolesh]

this is super hard. i have been battling myself for a couple weeks now because DH has a TON of work to do before the summer and that means he is not home much and when he is he is working here or too tired to help/spend time.. i want him to be rested for work (he makes furniture so the tools are dangerous if you are tired) but at the same time i need some help in the night! during the day my intentions are to not wake DH to help me at night but then in the night when i am so tired i find my intentions going out the window because i am tired and frustrated and resentful.

in the summer it is going to be even worse because DH will be gone for 3 or 4 days/nights of the week and i will be totally on my own with the new baby and our 3 year old. not sure how that is going to work. how do single parents do it? i have no idea.

anyway i seem to recall with DD that i felt a similar way but that things eventually slid into place. i am hoping that happens again.. and soon...

[rhiOrion]

I think we're doing a decent job of this. But I do feel bad for DH because he mostly only gets to see the evening fussies and not the cute passed out infant. But, to be fair, I may get to see more of the cute infant, but I also see way more of the fussies.

DH changes diapers way more readily than I expected. It just doesn't bother him, but it helps that she is usually peaceful during diaper changes unless she was already completely losing it.

One thing that DH can do for her that I couldn't for a long time is bounce her on the ball. Bouncing on the ball hurt my tear, and actually still sort of does make it more sore. So he puts her in the pikkolo carrier and bounces. Most of the time it quiets her down. So he has his thing, and I have mine (boobs).

I think I'm going a good job of letting him learn to deal with her in his own way. I can manage to take a bath even if I know she is fussy, though if I can hear that she just wont' calm down then I'll rush through and assume she wants food.

I'm doing all of the weekday middle of the night stuff right now, just because DH has to go to work, and I don't. But once I start back at 12 weeks we're going to have to work out a better balance. He did, however, get up at 2 am the other night when she had been screaming for four hours and he figured I needed a break (and, like I mentioned before, it was a good thing because I'd just set her down in the bouncy chair and told her to just cry). He also tends to take her for about 30 minutes each night right after I get in bed if I can't get her to calm down. It gives me 30 minutes to sleep on my side without a baby on top of me. It helps TREMENDOUSLY. As does the time I get in the bath each night.

He did make me annoyed this morning when he said he didn't have time to change her diaper, so then I had to get up and do it. If he could just set his alarm 5 minutes earlier he'd have time to change her diaper in the morning, and I'd have 5 minutes to turn on my side or whatever. This too will HAVE to change for him once I'm back at work.

But overall, I can't complain.

[mrsbabycakes]

I feel like i'm in a somewhat similar position. The first week when my husband was home, he changed almost every diaper, was the primary swaddler, could get the baby to fall asleep easily. Now that it's all about the boob, plus my husband is back to work, he's losing his "touch" with the baby. I feel bad b/c at night he occasionally tries to take him and calm him down and it never works. I know he's hungry but don't want to be too forceful about telling him "You can't help. He needs me." - in fact, that's the last thing I want. But at the same time, it's frustrating because I hate seeing him fail at comforting our son.

My husband is taking care of everything in the house. Dishes, laundry, food (when others aren't bringing us meals). So I use that a lot to encourage him. "Baby, you're the best Dad in the world. You take such good care of us. I couldn't do this without your support." I try to keep the griping to a minimum, though that doesn't always work. I try to meet him at the door when he comes home or announce, "Daddys home!!" to the baby.

I think my husband appreciates the happy moments with the baby the most. When he's done eating and is alert or in milk coma, I'll change his diaper, grab a pillow and hand him to my husband to burp or play with. I love it when he's alert and happy, but I get to see that a lot while my husband is at work. I figure it's only fair to share.

So far it seems to help... That said we're still working on improving his skill with diapers and dressing, bathing, etc. Once I have a bit of a supply in the freezer, we'll start with a bottle and short solo adventures (maybe a nice, long nap for Mommy )

[nikirj]

DH mostly supports baby by supporting me . He's only changed a couple of diapers and doesn't actually spend a lot of time with the baby. He does spend a TON of time with the older kids and doing household stuff.

So just now he came and got my breakfast dishes and gave me a fresh coffee, and went back downstairs to do something with DS (not sure what, I just hear them down there).

DH wasn't a true coparent until I started abandoning him to be on call, and even then, he kind of relied on me too much (like I should be coordinating things still even if he was the one actually doing them) until I left for a month to volunteer in a hospital overseas.

I am clearly all for abandoning DH and the kids to find their own way. Which looks different when they're babies and you can't take yourself across several time zones to absolutely prevent yourself from managing things. But yeah, there's this impulse in me (and most other moms) to jump in right away and "help" as soon as baby starts crying. How is anyone supposed to figure out how to deal with the baby if I don't let them, though? So with DH (and the kids) I do "one more thing" before I get the baby, as long as I know she's fed so it's not something only I could do anyway. A good amount of the time she's calmed down again before I get to her, a whole minute or two (literally! time DRAGS when you're trying not to go to your crying baby) later.

[cloe]

DDC. I see this is your first baby and am wondering if she may have colic. My daughter was crying like that in the evening and only wanted me until I gave up dairy and caffine and we ended up with a totally different baby. (I wanted to give her up myself.) 3 weeks is about the time that colic starts up also. Just a thought but one you may look into. It may change their relationship entirely if this is the reason and one that can be fixed.

[lizziebits]

At this point, DH's main interaction with the baby comes while she is sleeping. Last night he held her while she slept for at least an hour while I put DS to bed. He will change a diaper if I ask, or walk/bounce/hold her if I'm doing something else at the moment.

His real contribution is taking care of my our older son. They are best buds, and he is 100% capable of and willing to care for him for very extended periods of times (he had him by himself for 2 weeks last summer when I went to Japan).

It took awhile to get to that point though, and truthfully while I know DH could do more of her care, I feel like it is just so much easier for me to at this point. This will change as she gets older.

I agree with PP that the best way for dad to learn to care for the baby is to have to take care of the LO on their own. One of the things my DH mastered when he was taking care of our son was the Moby Wrap. He'd wrap up DS and everyone was happy!

[ivymae]

Right now his job is to take care of me so I can take care of her. He will change diapers if he is home and not taking care of the big girls, and he will cuddle with her while I need to pee/cook/etc, but mostly he just makes it easy for me to focus on her by taking care of the big girls, cooking, and just supporting me where he can.

For the first year, my babies have preferred mama, and with the first he was kind of offended. After 6 months or so i could leave them with him, and he was able to take on more parenting, but they still wanted me if i was available. Once 18 months rolls around though, mama is old news and daddy is The Man. Daddy pushes the swing higher, daddy gives them donuts, daddy will carry them on his head and play in the dirt.

[ann_of_loxley]

He cooks dinner, washes the dishes, does the laundry, hoovers...stuff that I havn't been able to get around to ...and takes DS1 out to play with the ball, etc...specially if we havn't managed to get out of the house that day! lol

Really...when it comes to the actual baby - I would rather be the one seeing to him (seeing as how I am the one that meets all of his needs). Baby needs me, not him. They have forever to bond (trust me, when they get older and can play - the bond with daddy gets super strong). Of course he gives Hamish cuddles and holds him every now and then - but I need him, so he helps by helping me with other stuff that matters. Personally, I feel thats the way it is supposed to be. When our first son was born - it was all 'he has to be invovled' (I felt like thats what he wanted and DH felt like he should feel like that was what he wanted and needed to be a 'good father') and that just made everyone in the house stressful and unhappy. I learned quickly that the way he can be helpful and invovled (and a great father!) was to take care of me so I could take care of our son...rather than him trying to take up 50% of the baby care. No offence to men ... I don't even ask him to change a nappy cause watching him try to do that gets me stressed lol. I would rather he just make sure I was fed and do a half-arsed job on the dishes! lol

Daddy has a place in their lives. But right now - its all mummy.
The great thing about the second time around (since we have learned from the first! lol) is that DH is not offended by the natural course of the boob lol - and I do not feel guilty because of that and the unnatural expectations of overly invovled perfect father are not there for either of us with the guilt that came with that either! Much smoother transition this time around on the parenting front!

[jsh7809]

Thanks for the advice, there are some great ideas, and it helps to know that I'm not alone. I definitely have been doing the "nevermind I'll just do it myself" thing for weeks, but more and more it's also because he is obviously just OVER it. This morning he stayed home for a bit and took her while I took a shower - when I went in she was just waking up, and when I came out he was walking her around in the nursing position and she was furious, he was frustrated and impatient for me. So I had to rush to get dressed and was simultaneously calling out advice like "dont' hold her like that, try her up on your chest or sitting up, talk to her, look her in the eyes" some of which he tried and it helped, some of which he didn't do since he just wanted to get the hell out of here.
So I'm realizing he and I need to have a talk... I'm not sure what I can say that will make it easier for all of us but something's gotta give.
As for colic - I don't think that's it, since she is consolable, just mainly by the boob. But I am studying the Dr. Sears chapter on fussy/ colicky babies and keep telling DH to take a look too.
I am just starting to feel that he's using his overwhelm to check out and I am using mine to cry and post here!
It gets easier, it gets easier, it get easier...

[ann_of_loxley]

It may help if he talks to other fathers. Espeically fathers who have been 'around the block' a few times.
I know when I was planning a 'homebirth' it helps for my DH to hear from other fathers who have been through homebirths before.
Does he come on mdc at all? lol

[krismarie]

i remember that dh felt that way with ds1... hard to connect to him b/c he could "do so little with him"... it gets better before you know it... when ds1 started to smile and react to us, giggle, interact, then dh really started to enjoy him a lot more.

this time around dh is extremely busy with his business and our farm so besides a little hello or a brief hold, he hasn't been able to do much at all. fortunately, when he's home (working outside) he can take the older boys and that helps.

[Peace+Hope]

i just wanted to say that it is HARD for my husband to be working, he'd really like to keep doing what he was, taking care of me so i can take care of charlie, and spending as much time w/ charlie as he can, diapering, comforting, playing...

i feel we have a good, realistic balance, and i'm really fortunate that my husband has a home business, so if he has free time during the day, we all benefit.

the tough part is when we are both tired or have had extra stress in our days. then we can have conflict. last night i was telling him my back had been hurting, and i was kinda touched out and after dinner i was not able to drink water b/c charlie was needing every ounce of my attention. i looked over and he was typing email on his phone.... we had it out, hahaha.

the thing is, he'd had a really stressful day and i was a little more tired than usual, and we were both making assumptions. i thought i was being clear enough about needing help, and i was resenting that i had to ASK him for help. he thought i was having to feed charlie, but only b/c he was so tired he wasn't tuned in. clearly, we both need to be extra careful when tired that we continue to communicate well.

that's hard, but i know we can do it.

[sanguine_speed]

[ivymae]

I make a point, when baby is crying with daddy but I know she isn't starving, to take my time doing what I need to and reminding him (calmly, kindly, leaving all the snark at the door) that she cries with me too. It IS really stressful when a baby cries and you can't fix it, but I think that's a pretty valuable parenting lesson that we all (male or female) need to learn.

I also try not to nitpick how DH is handling the situation, because he has to find his own path. I can kindly give him tips, but it's hard to get the tone right when we are all stressed out, ya know? Usually he takes it as criticism rather than support, which adds more tension to the room, so I just attend to what I need to and then take her when I am done. A sympathetic smile across the room sometimes does more good for the situation than anything.

[crazyeight]

its all complicated! my exh didn't bond with my 2 older kids. he was emotionally unavailable and didn't help with much at all...maybe changed 5 diapers in his life (cept for the 3 days i was gone last year).

R's dad see's him for a few hours a week. first time they met and he was holding R, R started fussing etc (he was tired), i didn't jump in or anything. ex wanted to have kids, wants to be involved and wants to be around for R and part of this is learning how to handle his child. ALL of the child, fusses, diapers, growing etc. no baby ever died of crying and unless he's hungry i try to keep my hands off until he asks for help.

my bf is usually working 50ish hours a week so he is home for about 1-2 hrs of R's day. things that bf does is BURPING. he is a great burper and even if i don't think R needs burped i hand him over after a feed anyways. admittedly i don't have a screamy baby anymore though. also i have noticed that once in a while bf thinks r is hungry and i DON"T think he's hungry and bf told me "he's making that nom nom nom sound while he's sucking (and spitting out) the paci" which at least tells me that bf isn't useing the boob as an excuse to hand him over but listening to cues. maybe make it more of a "test" something more thought needed than instict. "what makes you think the baby is hungry/tired/in pain?" ask your H to look for cues. it'll let him think rationally (and less emotionally hurt) about whats going on with the baby.

[bubbamummy]

I barely see my husband-he is military. So this week he has done absolutely nothing with regard to childcare. He leaves for two weeks soon, so again- i'll be all alone yay

[jsh7809]

After a really REALLY trying day (crying on the phone, crying by myself, telling the baby "stop crying!" and wondering which one of us I was really talking to, crying at the lactation support clinic, etc) I told DH I really need an hour a day MINIMUM from him so that I can be on my own, take a break, or just not hold her for a bit. He totally understood. It's hard because he's struggling with so many things like I am (and part of what he told me is that he doesn't have anyone besides me and his mom to talk to and feels like he is isolated without any dad friends, which breaks my heart because he is so lovable and great). But I am trying not to have the guilt and conflict and just realize that if I don't get some breaks I will lose my mind completely, and neither of us want that.
The good news is that from what I hear (or don't hear!) they seem to be doing well. I think she is full of milk and sleepy and in the sling conked out. I showed him what I think she likes these days, and will teach him how to do the Moby next.
I'm realizing that if I don't get more breaks, I end up spending a lot of time resenting the baby and not seeing how adorable and healthy and happy she is for much of the time. Yes, she is fussy, and it hurts me to see her turning red with painful gas, but she is also AMAZING, super smart, growing fast, and just a really cool person. And I need to be able to step away to see that sometimes.
It would break my heart if I didn't get a chance to enjoy any of her babyhood because of burn out... I am going to ask for help as much as I can, from grandparents, friends and DH.

[leavemealone]

DH actually does a lot with the baby and the other kids as well. Our three youngest are boys and they are all about daddy. He is the physical one that wrestles, plays ball, etc with them (well, not with the baby yet but with the other two). In regards to the baby, DH holds him, rocks him, burps him, changes diapers, etc - just about everything except feeding him. Now, he doesn't always do all those things all the time, but he is certainly willing.

Maybe since this is our fourth child, I don't feel the need to 'correct' him that much, even if he's doing things differently than I would do them. My DH does have what we call "The Daddy Sleeper Hold". Give him any baby, anywhere in the world, crying or awake for any reason, and he can get that baby to sleep just by holding it.