What am I doing wrong?

[earthlycreative]

I'm sure there's a thread here about this or something similar, but forgive me as I'm sleep deprived and teetering on depression and just need to get this written as quickly as possible. My 8 month old is in the car with her papa, hopefully napping, because she won't nap today any other way. I'm at my wit's end..please help.

I feel, of course, like I'm doing something wrong. I have from the beginning. My husband says our baby is just "high need", it's not me or him or anything we're doing - or not doing. But, seriously. Why is she terrified of sleep? Why can't I step foot into our bedroom (also hers, we co-sleep) without her pitching a fit? We have not, and will not attempt, cry-it-out, and there's no reason for her to be "afraid" of the room or of sleep. She has all-night access to me and my boobs...what more could I possibly offer her? What the hell?

Sorry. Very, very frustrated. On top of not napping, she's just not sleeping well. Who am I kidding, she never has. Of course, because of her age everyone will say it's teething or developmental or something else. And, that may be the case, but she's ALWAYS been this way!

I try in earnest to keep a routine for bedtime, keep the same (relatively) bedtime, make sure she naps plenty during the day (even if it means nursing down and nursing her as soon as she wakes a half hour in, which means I lay with her even if I'm not tired enough to nap). More often than not she awakes upset from naps, and about an hour after going down in the evening (the latter, usually in a fit, as if she's had a nightmare..EVERY night).

Is it something I'm doing, not doing? Should I be considering there's something physically wrong with her?

HELP!

*Please, no advice from the cry-it-out, anti-co-sleeping camp*

[annettemarie]

Moved to Life with a Babe. And rest assured, we have no CIO, anti-co-sleeping camp here.

[sugarpop]

I think you need as many hugs as possible! Sleep deprived and frustrated is so draining! My daughter sleeps but has fitful sleep. I know for her it is teething and when it isn't it is gas and when it isn't that then I don't know and I get frustrated then.

ugh high needs babe here too...and she needs...I will write more later sorry just wanted to give you quick support!

ETA: My opinion is your husband is right...you have a high needs babe! Can you get her to fall asleep in your arms in the living room, then move to the bedroom lay down beside her and slowly slip away? I have to nurse sophia down and then do exactly as I said. I can't lay her in crib...she wakes up! I can't nurse her from awake to sleeping while laying down, unless it is the middle of the night. She is scared though so I don't have any idea what that might be or how to address it. Do you baby wear? That might give you a bit of "free time" when the LO goes to sleep. How about a stroller? Go for a walk until LO falls asleep meanwhile you can be daydreaming and thinking while you walk, maybe listening to a bit of music...if you already have a chair, a book and a drink ready outside when you return you could sit there beside the stroller while they sleep.

How old is your LO? I wish I could offer something more, a solution, or a good night of sleep!

[mamadelbosque]

Have you tried wearing her? My ds2 will almost always fall asleep in the mei tei - its almost magical, tbh!!

[makeuptalk]

Our 1st was a high need baby. He never slept. The only way I could get him to nap was by wearing him in a carrier or sleeping with him in the bed. At night time he didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. He was like this, especially at night time, until about age 2. After that he started sleeping better. Now at 9 years of age you can't awake him for anything. He is a wonderful sleeper and has no issues of going to sleep.

You haven't one anything wrong. You just have a high need baby and this stage will pass. I know it's hard to imagine it now but someday you will laugh about it and tell her all about it. Hugs!

[RomanGoddess]

I think that some people just don't go to sleep well during the day, including some babies. Mine is similar to yours. When all else fails, I hand the baby over to nanny when she is here. Funnily enough, she manages to get him to sleep in his arms, whereas he refuses to do that with me. The nanny says that this is because he knows that she doesn't have any milk to give him.

[dislocator3972]

My DD sounds a lot like yours. At bedtime, she will NOT go to sleep, no matter how exhausted she is, until she is wrapped up in the Moby on my husband. That's it. So my only solution for you there is to try everything you can, as I'm sure you have and are. Carriers, bouncy seats, swings, car rides, rocking chair, ball, etc.

As far as staying asleep, have you tried putting her to sleep on an incline? Could she have a little reflux that hurts her while she sleeps? If, as she's laying down, her throat starts to hurt, that might explain why she wakes up so upset.

You could try white noise or lullaby music while she's napping, that might muffles the sounds of your footsteps enough that you can walk in and out.

How often are you changing her at night? And are you sure she's dry when you put her down for a nap? I'm not accusing you of leaving her in a dirty diaper, I just know that my 8 month old has NEVER been able to sleep with any wetness. At all. We even change sweaty diapers during the night.

You could definitely mention the sleep troubles to your pediatrician. There may be something physical that's troubling her. But more than likely, she's just like your husband says. I keep telling myself that this time will pass, she will sleep better one day, and I will look back and miss all this time.

[thedenverduo]

Oh Mama! I hope you find something that will help both of you soon! Just wanted to chime in with an idea (that you have probably already tried). A warm water bottle worked wonders for my son. He went through a phase of not being able to sleep on his own and waking every hour or so screaming and I was at my wits end. My MIL suggested a warm water bottle and it really worked for my son. I don't know if it tricked him a bit into thinking mommy was still holding him or if he just loved the warmth, but it helped him sleep longer and without me being right there.

[LadyCatherine185]

My DS was the same way. And I have some great news-- HE GREW OUT OF IT!!! Actually, 8 months was the WORST time during his life so far. He didn't sleep, fussed all the time, was never happy, etc. Now, he did have some allergy/food intolerance issues and reflux, but even with those remedied, he was not a happy baby. Once he hit 10 months though (and he was walking by then), he turned into a TOTALLY DIFFERENT BABY. He was HAPPY. I think he honestly did not like being a baby, he didn't like being limited in his mobility, etc. Dr Sears "fussy baby/highneeds child" book was a great read. It really helped to put things in perspective, and described my DS exactly. It also gives some great advice/ideas of coping.

Now, he didn't start sleeping well until recently, but things were managable starting around 10 months. He stopped fighting sleep so bad, he began sleeping longer stretches (like, sleeping 1-2 hours at a time instead of 15-30 minutes at a time) and sleeping in a little later in the morning (like sleeping until 6 instead of 5). Oh, white noise and blackout curtains were KEY for us, and still are.

Around 18 months for various reasons we decided to nightwean. I used the Dr. Jay Gordon method (you can google if you want) but went a lot slower. He rec's a 10-day plan, we took about a month or so. He didn't even cry at "no milkas at night".. just fussed a little and rolled over and went back to sleep. He began sleeping 3-5 hour stretches. AMAZING. Then we moved him to his own bed and had Daddy takeover wake-ups. He again, didn't cry at the change, and now he sleeps 7-8 hour stretches!! He only wakes up 1-2 times a night now, and even has slept ALL THE WAY THROUGH twice. He is a happy, active toddler. Sweet, loving, and very silly. It gets better Mama, I promise.

[maptome]

You are NOT doing anything wrong. You babe is high needs. You are beating yourself up too much. You are doing everything you can think of. A GREAT JOB! Accept that you are doing the best for your babe and try to relax, and hopefully that will rub off. I know exactly what it's like to blame yourself even though I am trying everything.