Scared to become pregnant but want to...vba2c

[pixie1115]

Ok I am really new here but this is the most active board I have seen and I am excited to be here!

Anyways, a little into..I am 27 and in fine health and good shape. My 1st dd 4 1/2, perfect pregnancy, went into labor on my due date. Got to 8cm and didn't go any farther (although I was only give a couple hours). Also subject to a ton of other interventions which I knew nothing about at the time. Ended in csec.

Baby number 2, is now 18 months old, born Oct. of 2008. I was going to vbac but chickened out. The hospital closest to me that allowed it was an hour away, I was scared I would rupture in the car or something. I didn't have the knowledge I now have. Plus I was not comfortable with the doctor.

Anyways, I have been thinking about baby number 3 since I had number 2. I am DESPERATE to vbac. It is possibly my only mission in life at this time lol. That is crazy I know but I pretty much have spent every single day since my last csec beating myself up over doing that second csec. I knew before I did it I shouldn't do it. I wake up in the middle of the night tensed up dreaming about either a vbac or a csec or something related. It is always in my thoughts. I don't know if that is crazy or normal..?!

But we have begun to think about baby number 3. I WILL try a vbac somehow unless of course there is some serious reason I cannot. But I am scared. I have been putting off getting pregnant because even though I really want to I am terrified. I am not sure I am sold on a homebirth. We are about 15-20 minutes from a hospital..is that close enough if say, I did rupture? I know the best chance of a vbac would be at home and I totally feel like I would be more comfortable at home but I just feel like I am to far away in an emergency? I also somewhat feel like I am having baby number 3 for the wrong reason. I seriously just want to birth it. Of course I do want another child at some point, I will love it, I have always wanted 3 or more kids even before I had a csec. I just feel like I am not being fair because I am desiring the birth more than the baby almost. Is that totally weird? I know if I were pregnant I would love that baby in me, it just isn't real at this point..right?? I just don't want to set myself up to fail and I want to make sure that I am at the right place in my life to have a child regardless of the birth outcome. If I were told I had to have another csec I don't think I am at the point where I would want to get pregnant...so does that mean I don't really want another child yet??? I am so scared and confused by it all. Has anyone been through something similar???

[Lillitu]

First off, stop beating yourself up. You have two wonderful kids, regardless of how they were delivered.

If you wanna try for a VBAC, awesome! I just did that for my second child. My story might be helpful to you, so I'll type it up below...

i was 18 when I got pregnant the first time, and gave the baby up for adoption. The doctor was more concerned with delivering a baby to the new parents in time for his golf vacation than any of my concerns. I had a totally unnecessary C-section after induced labor that was non-productive for a few hours (much like your story- unneeded interventions cascading into unneeded csection).

it wasn't until I was 39 that I decided I wanted a baby of my own, and I wanted a VBAC. but I had some serious issues- a complete placenta previa (which corrected itself- miraculously!) i gave birth vaginally, but not in the birth center as i wanted. when i was a week overdue, i had a "stress test" in the hospital, that is standard procedure for my MW. it showed that i had NO amniotic fluid. not low, NONE.

well, needless to say, the hospital wanted to induce me then and there. i wasn't ready (had student loan checks to pick up, rent to pay, animals to give to sitter) and checked out against medical advice. told them that i would come back the next morning for an induction IF i didn't naturally go into labor on my own.

well, i went into labor at 3 AM, and at 2:30 the next afternoon i was at the birth center and she said i was at 5 cm. then she was gonna clear me to birth at the center. but she started to monitor the baby by doppler and ... uh oh. the baby's heartbeat was going so low during contractions that it was dangerous.

so an ambulance was called and i was rushed to the hospital (not the original testing hospital, another closer one!). they assumed because of my previous c section that my uterus was rupturing at first, and wheeled me straight into the OR. i was pissed and started yelling about being in an OR and not having my MW or doula there.

after a few contractions, my MW appeared (thank the gods!) and pleaded with the doctor on duty to let me try and push. it seems that between the birth center and the hospital i gained dilation- i was up to 9.5 cm and they opened me up the rest of the way (during a contraction- ow ow ow!) and said "it's now or never!"

well, i knew that they meant if not soon, it meant the knife. so i got him out in 3 contractions. i took that threat very seriously, LOL.

poor lil Ro was swimming in meconium and had to be taken to the NICU. my placenta didn't look all that great- i think in that last week (i had an AFI test two weeks before and was on the low side of normal) something happened to make it start failing.

Rowan is great, he spent 14 hours in the NICU, until he was breathing regular air and has been with me ever since. he didn't gin his birth weight back for a month or so- but now he is a cute fat little thing.

It can be done- I went to a hypnotherapist to deal with my fear, a midwife and a doula to work out what I wanted in advance and have them advocate for me when I was vulnerable, and it worked out.

You can do it!

[maotmsmi]

*

Edited by maotmsmi - 5/21/11 at 12:47pm

[MsBlack]

I agree--quit beating yourself up! There is NOTHING WRONG with your very great desire to give birth naturally--it is only natural and right that you should desire this. And the fact that you can consider whether or not you are being 'selfish', tells me that you will not be selfish in the end--you are already aware enough. And hey--you are a mother of 2 already, you know the love, time and work that goes into parenting, you are not going to have another child 'just for the experience of birthing normally'.

I do believe that in most areas, your best shot at vba2c is at home--hard enough to find a vbac provider, nearly impossible to find a vba2c hospital provider. As for your totally normal concern about being close enough to medical help should you need it--there are ways to deal with that. You could have a 'hotel birth', or give birth in someone else's home who lives closer to the hospital....you have options.

If you are not hooked up with the International Cesarian Awareness Network (ICAN), then do look into it. You can start online at

ican-online.org

There you can discover whether or not there is a local ican/vbac support group meeting near you. And even if not, you can find a wealth of info, research and support through the net--including the inspiration of mamas who have had vba2c, vba3c, etc.

You have time to prepare--and we can tell you here that at least, you are NOT crazy or selfish, and you ARE both normal and wise to wish for a normal birth for any other children you may have.

Good luck--you go for it!

[MNHall]

Two things really stick out to me that others said....one is, it's not your body that failed you, I too believe in SO MANY situations like yours and like my c/s baby, it's the medical interventions and the doctors that are in a hurry and want to get you delivered regardless of the method...that's what fails us!

Also, I VERY MUCH AGREE that your concern for doing it for the right reasons means you WILL do it for the right reasons! I too am really really eager for the delivery part! I always knew I wanted #1 and #2 between 18 months and 2 years...they are 22 months. But #2 and #3, DH and I had discussed waiting longer. But ALL I could think about was VBAC'ing again and going 110% natural! (DD was a VBAC, but after 90 minutes of pushing, my OB scared me with the clock (as I had pushed 2 hours with my c/s baby) and told me if I got the epi he could turn the baby and assist).....I don't regret my decision, it got me my vbac, but now I want more!

When deciding when to TTC, well, the thought of a baby was exciting to me, but so was the thought of getting that birth I so desired!!!!!!!! You're right though, once you have that baby in your belly, you grow to love it every single day! So, no doubt in my mind, once you decide to get pregnant, you'll be doing it for the right reasons...for the baby and for the amazing birth you WILL have!

[EricaRN]

Originally Posted by pixie1115

Ok I am really new here but this is the most active board I have seen and I am excited to be here!

Anyways, a little into..I am 27 and in fine health and good shape. My 1st dd 4 1/2, perfect pregnancy, went into labor on my due date. Got to 8cm and didn't go any farther (although I was only give a couple hours). Also subject to a ton of other interventions which I knew nothing about at the time. Ended in csec.

Baby number 2, is now 18 months old, born Oct. of 2008. I was going to vbac but chickened out. The hospital closest to me that allowed it was an hour away, I was scared I would rupture in the car or something. I didn't have the knowledge I now have. Plus I was not comfortable with the doctor.

Anyways, I have been thinking about baby number 3 since I had number 2. I am DESPERATE to vbac. It is possibly my only mission in life at this time lol. That is crazy I know but I pretty much have spent every single day since my last csec beating myself up over doing that second csec. I knew before I did it I shouldn't do it. I wake up in the middle of the night tensed up dreaming about either a vbac or a csec or something related. It is always in my thoughts. I don't know if that is crazy or normal..?!

But we have begun to think about baby number 3. I WILL try a vbac somehow unless of course there is some serious reason I cannot. But I am scared. I have been putting off getting pregnant because even though I really want to I am terrified. I am not sure I am sold on a homebirth. We are about 15-20 minutes from a hospital..is that close enough if say, I did rupture? I know the best chance of a vbac would be at home and I totally feel like I would be more comfortable at home but I just feel like I am to far away in an emergency? I also somewhat feel like I am having baby number 3 for the wrong reason. I seriously just want to birth it. Of course I do want another child at some point, I will love it, I have always wanted 3 or more kids even before I had a csec. I just feel like I am not being fair because I am desiring the birth more than the baby almost. Is that totally weird? I know if I were pregnant I would love that baby in me, it just isn't real at this point..right?? I just don't want to set myself up to fail and I want to make sure that I am at the right place in my life to have a child regardless of the birth outcome. If I were told I had to have another csec I don't think I am at the point where I would want to get pregnant...so does that mean I don't really want another child yet??? I am so scared and confused by it all. Has anyone been through something similar???

I could have written this myself!!! Seriously, this is me. 2 csec, both unnecessary in my opinion. 1st I was in labor 24 hrs (had pushed for 2.5) and once I hit the 24 hr mark they told me I was done. Even though she was so far out I could feel her head.... but I was scared and the Dr. told me my daughter's life was at risk because I'd been in labor too long. 2nd time around, I was in labor 13 hrs and dilated to 5 cm and dr told me he wouldn't allow me any longer (he wanted to do a csec right off the bat when I FIRST got to the hospital and I had to fight him every step of the way) finally at that point I gave in because I was so tired of having to fight him. Now, no doctor will touch me. They say I have to have a scheduled csec and will not allow even a trial of labor. I found 2 homebirth midwives i feel very comfortable with. One of them has even witnessed a rupture which makes me feel that much better. Some people talk about the risks of rupturing like we're putting our babies (and selves) at harm, but if you do your research and compare the risk of uterine rupture vs. the sum of all risks of a csection (infection, bowel/bladder displacement, reactions to anesthesia, accidental harms to baby, increased risk of placenta previa/accreta in future pregnancies, etc.) VBAC is a healthier alternative to major surgery.

To each their own and I would never make someone feel bad because of a c-section or not agreeing with me. But I also expect the respect when I choose what I do. I have obviously done my research and am not taking the decision lightly (which is what I tell anyone who questions me). At the end of the day, I think you can find a homebirth midwife (and maybe birth center ones) that would be willing to do a vba2c. Just make sure you speak with them before conceiving to make sure they'll be willing and able to take you on as a patient. Also, just from my experience, even if a Dr says they will honor your requests for VBAC, dont take that as the WORD, Because my drs told me that and then they instantly changed their mind when it came time for my baby to be born. Just make sure you've talked to people who can help you beforehand so you can have peace of mind. And then be comfortable with whatever happens, knowing that you've done everything possible to ensure the safest and happiest delivery for you and your baby.

*for me, I want the CHANCE to make some decisions in my labor instead of feeling like I'm the only one without an opinion that matters. I DO NOT want another c-section, but if it's necessary I am ok with that. I just want to know that I've been heard. Also, don't beat yourself up about this. You have been through TRAMATIC experiences and you are grieving. That's ok! And I dont even think it's bad to want another baby because of the experience. You're obviously a great mom because you have such a strong desire to have a birthing experience that will let you BOND with your child. You will love your child no matter what and bringing a baby into a loving family is never a bad thing! Do what you feel is right in your heart and don't worry about everything else. If you want it, then do it! Go for it!! :-) Good luck!!! I'll be checking back to see what you decide :0)

[darkblue0729]

Please stop beating yourself up! Your body DID NOT fail you and I am so sorry that you feel so upset with yourself. I have two DDs, one born via a med-free water birth and my youngest, (born in Oct 2008) was born via emergency c/s due to placenta abruption because of a fall...I felt so ashamed of the c/s, felt that I should have tried to do something else, allowed the medical staff to treat me like I wasn't entitled to know what was going on with my own body, etc. etc...and I spent the first 14 months of DD2's life beating myself up about the c/s. Fast forward to now: We are due in September with our third child and are planning a HBAC; I know I can do it, have a midwife and DH who totally support me, and I finally believe in my body again. This child in my womb has healed me in so many ways, just the feeling of awe when you know there is life in there can empower you to do great things-rather than fret over how your previos birth experiences went, I hope that you can find the strength and serenity to begin to heal, mama. If a larger family is what you want then I say go for it!! I also agree with PPs about looking up your local ICAN chapter to find support and information. Good luck and I am sending warm healing vibes your way

[SelenaJean]

I had a HBA2C in April and I experienced a lot of the same feelings you have. I worried about distance from the hospital(we're 25-30 mins from ours), feelings of worry that I was having a baby just to have another chance at a good birth etc. My DH and I had some long talks about if and why we would want another child before TTC and I realized I just wanted a baby no matter how it got here. After that we found some great midwives that we really trusted(found them through ICAN). I think picking the right care providers and really discussing my fears and worries with them is what really got me to feel confident and ready for my vba2c. Also with choosing a homebirth I knew that if I ended up with another csection it would be truly necessary and that was oddly comforting. My MW also could call ahead so the OR would be ready when we got there and really you would have to wait 15-20 for them to prep anyhow if you were already there. Good luck deciding what you want!