newly separated - what to tell 2 yr old dc?

[DeerMother]

Stbx and I have been separated for about a week. It was sudden and the first few days when dc asked about going home I just said that people move all the time and we moved here. DC (27 months) and I moved in w/ my parents. He stayed at our old house. We are just now trying to work out visitation. We met at a park for about an hour yesterday. Ds handled it fine, was excited to see his dad. Dd screamed and clung to me. Stbx would like the next visit to be at their old house. All of dc's things are gone. Some of the furniture will be the same. Their beds and living room furniture will be there. Today I casually mentioned to dc that mommy and daddy weren't going to live in the same house anymore. Ideally, stbx and I will get on the same page about what to say to dc.

Any ideas on age appropriate ways to explain to dc? Children's book recs? Ways to make the transition easier?

I explained to stbx that overnights would be something we would work towards, starting with a few hours, leading up to full days.

[Learning_Mum]

How old is your daughter? Is she a baby?

I think what you told him is pretty appropriate. I'd leave it at that and answer any questions he might have.

[carriemama]

I really like the book "Two Homes" -- it is very straightforward, basically just saying "Daddy lives here. Mommy lives there. Sometimes I live with daddy. Sometimes I live with Mommy", going on to detail how the kid has a toothbrush at each place, etc. It normalizes it, but does not make a judgment about the situation. My 2 year old DD really likes the book. As for what I told her, I just basically said that she was going to have two homes, Mommy's house and Daddy's house, and through repetition she definitely understands what that means, and actually seems ok about it. Hang in there mama, this first bit is really hard but I promise everyone will get used to it, as unfathomable as that may seem now.

[simplemama32]

I'm interested to see suggestions about this, too! DS and I have been living with my parents for about 6 weeks now, and I haven't really addressed it (DS is 25 months). At first, he would occasionally mention something about going home, but it was more of a general inquiry than being upset about it. I told him that we're staying at Grandmama and Papa's house for now, and we would talk to Daddy tonight on the phone and see him tomorrow (or whenever it happens to be). Sometimes I wonder if he thinks we're on an extended vacation (which we've taken before with his grandparents), or if this really is his new normal.

Now he makes references to "Daddy's house" (our old house) and "Grandmama's house," but seems okay with it all. We do try to keep him well-informed about where Daddy is, when he will see him again, where Mama is, who will pick him up/drop him off, and that sort of thing.

At the moment, he has different toys and activities to look forward to at each house, but going forward, I imagine we'll try to get him some duplicates of certain things. I've thought about getting him a little backpack he could carry back and forth, and he could choose what to put in it.

Carrie -- I'm going to have to look for that book, it sounds great!

[DeerMother]

Originally Posted by Learning_Mum

How old is your daughter? Is she a baby?

They're twins. In my case the c in dc is for children, not child.

Hope my library has that book! They do seem to be adjusting well, I just want to (age appropriatley) keep them in the loop.

[doubledutch]

we moved when ds1 was about 32 months. he did ask for a while when we'd be going back to the old house. i just kept saying that we live here now, we aren't going to live at the old house anymore, and point out (or ask him to think of) things to love about the new house. in your case it might make more sense to say "daddy's house" if your stbx is going to stay there long-term.

i'm still in the planning stages, and i take any opportunity to point out different family configurations (single parents, same sex parents, extended family living under the same roof, a kid who has two homes, etc). just to get them used to the idea that there are a lot of different ways to do it, and sometimes people need to change their living arrangements but it doesn't change the parent-child relationship.

fwiw, i think them being so young right now is a big positive, not a negative.

[dziwozony]

When I moved out, my oldest was 2 1/2yo & my youngest was 10mo. I very simply explained (mostly to the oldest) that mama & dada were going to live in different places now. He was very aware of the fighting so I told him we were going to live in different places so that we didn't fight anymore. He just got it right away! I know he was feeling the stress of conflict, so even though he was sad to spend less time with his dad & sad to be away from the only home he had known, he was happy that the fighting was stopping.

I always give him the space to talk about it, try to gently encourage it without pushing. And I'm always careful to react gently if when, for example, he says he doesn't like me & wants to be with dada (which he does sometimes!), I don't react with emotion, I just ask him to talk about it more. (He's 3 now, so more verbal each day)

I think they understand pretty quickly, even as 2 year olds! Definitely be upfront & honest, while keeping it age appropriate (don't overwhelm with too many details or any negative comments..just straight forward explanations of the logistics).

Oh, & I love The Family Book by Todd Parr!! Just talks about different kinds of families- not specifically about two households, but that fits into it.