VENT: parenting disagreements

[annarose999]

So I've found myself in a position where I really just need to vent. My best friend is great. She is kind generous loving caring and as far as I can tell a pretty darn good mother. I trust her with my life, heck she caught my daughter at my much faster than expected homebirth! Then there was today...

It's Bf's sons tball practice and we're all at the park supporting him. I walked from my place with dd in the moby and she was having a grand ol time. Bf wants to hold and play with dd - totally fine this is normal procedure. As soon as we make the handoff dd starts fussing. She's not wet or hungry and presumably not tired so I take her back go for a little walk, swing with her and she's great. After a bit bf's dd wants to play with me so we attempt to make the hand off again. My dd starts fussing again but this time I let my bf hang with her a little longer. Turns out dd was a little tired and was fussing her way to sleep. a couple minutes later it's about time to go. Here's where I made my mistake - I said "Its a bummer dd always wakes up when you move her" and thus started the sleeping debate.

Turns out my bf is a CIO mom. Ugh. Really didn't want to go there with her. We have at it friendly like for a few until I change the topic. Here's where I make error number two: "dd's starting to show some real interest in food. I'm going to start offering her foods (blw style) during meals". And ensues the discussion on how dd could choke and you really ought to be doing this this and this.

Again ugh. I am fully aware we come from different backgrounds and I already avoid certain topics of conversation. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to go through that with her.

Thanks for reading my vent! I just needed to get it out.
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[treegardner]

[ChristyMarie]

I learned to pretty much not discuss sleep or food. Just wasn't worth it.

[BlueWolf]

I've learned... the hard way... too keep my trap shut about what I do with DD that is not commonly accepted. Otherwise I'm inviting other peoples opinions (wanted or not).

[peaceful_mama]

I've learned what conversations not to have with certain people who I still want to have as friends despite our differences. BLW style feeding, extended nursing, bedsharing, all topics I do not bring up with particular individuals, and it's different ones for different people. I've known them long enough to know I'm not going to be the one who changes their mind, so it's just easier to not even go there.

It gets easier. :

[momasana]

Fortunately my BFF shares the same parenting philosophy. But I have had a few conversations like that with other friends. We usually just leave it with a shrug and a friendly "every family is different".

I have kept my sanity by remembering that friends deal with most things in their lives differently - their marriage/partnerships, housework, coworkers and collegues, food and nutrition, people at the grocery store, etc. I'd probably never get in a heated debate over those things and try to treat parenting ideas the same way. Of course, my friends have similar lifestyles for the most part so it's not like I have to overlook anything totally outrageous.

[Learning_Mum]

I have found that if I can discuss these things with another person who doesn't have the "I'm right, you're wrong" attitude you can actually sometimes pick up things that are kind of helpful.

I've learnt lots of things from my friends who have different parenting styles than I do. Stuff that I never would have learnt if I had avoided certain topics.

[rightkindofme]

I try to end these conversations by saying, "Well hopefully they will both reach adulthood without too much therapy needed" and I grin. It tends to be a point that everyone can agree on.

[Norasmomma]

This is one of those thing you just have to let go. I can't stand tons of stuff some of my friends do. One of my friends thinks I'm lame because I'm more of a free-range mama, and don't go scheduling every little second of my kid's lives, what works for her works for her and what I do is really none of her business, end of story.

[zippy_francis]

I agree, my BF and I are pretty much on the same page 99% of the time. But I am also the kind of person who, leaves peoples parenting choices to themselves, without comment. Because I am not perfect, they are not perfect, and it is not a competition (although for some it is). But my BF is the kind of person who tells you when she thinks something should be the way it should be. She is a generous, smart, loving person, and I believe she means well. Truly. But sometimes opinions are not needed or wanted.

Our disagrement came to a head when, while out to lunch at a local restaurant, we decided since it was a nice day to sit on the patio. My kids sit at the table at restaurants either in a booster and highchair or both in highchairs. My kids are 15 mo and 2 1/2. Hers are 5 and 3. She allows her kids to run around, climb on the tables, run under the railing and around the building. And this is not just a one time occourrence. They are always like that in restaurants. My thoughts are, whatever, 'not my kid'. If she is ok/comfortable with that, then by all means, go ahead. I, on the other hand, am not ok with my kids being that way. First, do not want them injured. Second, do not want them to hurt or disrupt someone else. Third, do not want them to get kidnapped. And fourth, restaurants arent playgrounds, that is what McDonalds is for.

She insisted that I am too strict and I should let my DD1 play. She looked sad to not be able to run around with her boys. I said no, but she asked again. I said, well I guess I am just a mean mom. I dont find it appropriate to let children run around a restaurant.

Bottom line, I told her we have different expectations. Leave it at that.


It was tough for me, becaue I do love and respect her more than any other person (besided DH and my mom).

I can just say, I sympathize and

[annarose999]

Thanks everyone. I know sometimes I need to remind myself to let some topics go. I guess in my mind the way I parent seems so logical I forget it's not the norm.
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