Looking for perspective--Dd won't be an "only" anymore!

[carfreemama]

Okay, we've been trying for a couple of months to get pregnant. At 42, I thought it might take a while. Surprise!

I wanted this. I do want this. And I am TERRIFIED. I hav a wonderful 6 yo dd who was always meant to be an only, until I got the bright idea that I wanted another child.

Dd has NEVER wanted a sibling.

Well, assuming this pregnancy continues (and believe me, I hope it does), she's going to be a big sister.

I think I can get excited about this pregnancy if I can deal with the massive fear I'm having that I am about to lose my relationship with dd. We are devoted to her. We do so much together as a family. I spend whole days out with her at museums, shopping, the playground, whatever. She comes home for lunch every day and wants to continue. Somehow I will make that happen, even with a newborn. But how?

We don't have a car. We will not get a car.

We are starting over with a BABY!!!

Will I still be able to do things with dd?? Will she feel betrayed? Will we be able to go out and do things as a family anymore? Why am I so scared?

Dd will be 7 when this baby is born. Please, please reassure me!

[Sharon, RN]

You are going to be ok. And congratulations!

DS#1 was about a week shy of his 10th birthday when DS#2 was born. DS#1 is from my first marriage, and I thought he would be an only. Well, I was remarried and... look, a baby!

DS#1 is absolutely devoted to DS#2. Of course, the first several months are intense, but DH and I find time to do stuff as a family and for each of us to do stuff with DS#1 alone. (DH took him to see Iron Man 2 while I stayed with the baby, I took DS#1 to his soccer game while DH stayed with the baby, although most times we all go together.)

The pros: Well, DS#1 can be pretty self-sufficient. Like, today, I just didn't have the energy to get up with him in the morning before school, so we talked but he got himself ready and walked the dogs for me. He can help with the baby, like I'll ask him to hold the baby while I use the bathroom or something.

The cons: I can only really think of 2 things. One is that both of my sons needs are so divergent, that I do often feel I'm going in 2 different directions. (Of course, what mom doesn't feel that way sometimes?!?!) So, I can't ever really plan something for both of them at the same time. I mean, sure, I can go to LLL, but I'm not going to bring my 10 YO, so I can only go to meetings when he's at school or DH is home. DS#1 loves movies, but DS#2 is too young to go. I'll be nursing DS#2 while helping DS#1 with pre-algebra. It's not really a bad thing, but it does take some getting used to.

The only thing I sort of wish I did differently when DS#2 was born was to remember how young DS#1 still is. He seems so mature and big compared to this tiny baby, and I think I expected more from him than he was really ready for. Not big stuff, but all of a sudden I expected him to be able to always keep his room clean or not need me to tuck him in anymore. We have worked through my expectations of him, and what's reasonable, and now it's easier because the baby is 8 months old now, and things aren't quite as intense with him anymore.

I hope all that makes sense! It was very strange going from 1 to 2, especially with such a gap, but it is really working out well. You can do it, carfree!

Congratulations again!

[ann_of_loxley]

I just had my second - he is three weeks old. My son is 4 Years and 8 months old.

First of all - I have to say...you having a bigger age gap is going to help HEAPS!
You can talk to your DD for starters. She can talk to you too! You can both talk about your feelings. This will help you both work through whatever comes your way!
You will also have time for your DD. There is so much she can already do for herself! Of course she still needs you but her needs are not that immediate as your baby's needs will be. She will understand this. You will be surprised at how well she takes it all in! All of you will be fine - just fine.

The way you feel is completly normal. Whilst we were TTC - I felt like I was betraying my son. He never asked for a sibling. I knew our relationship would change. If I am not blessed to have anymore children - then whilst my relationship with DS1 will/has changed - my relationship with DS2 will never change (how is that fair?). I felt sad at the thought of this change. I felt like we would both lose a part of eachother with the change.
Our relationship has changed. But not in a bad way at all. In fact, I feel more like crying tears of happiness for my son (rather than sad tears) because I am so proud of him in everything he is and does. This was a big change for us all (including circumstances that didn't turn out as planned) and he has done so well! He is such a great brother!

It is strange going from 1 to 2!...There is so much I have forgotten as well. Whilst my gap is not that 'huge' - it is much much bigger than most people I know. Even the baby market has changed dramatically! (which is fun! lol) If I am lucky to have more (highly unlikely as I have a DH who isn't so keen) - I will certainly be going for a similar or bigger gap!

I thought this poem was nice (and yes it will make you cry!).

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 6-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then he is born, and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you've never shared me before.
I hear you telling me in your own way, "Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine, "I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.
You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.
But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.
I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.
I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you -- both.
And I thank you both for blessing my life."

Author Unknown

[mamazee]

My dd #1 was 7 when dd #2 was born. She was great with it immediately, had a short while with a bit of misbehavior a few months later when she realized that this was FOREVER, and then she's been a wonderful big sister since. The age difference is really great, IMO. My older dd plays with her like a little mom or something, there isn't any sibling rivalry ye and we're a year and a half in so far. We'll see as they get older as far as that goes. Sometimes she'll say she misses having me to herself, but usually she says it's fun to have a little one around.

[EFmom]

Congrats.

You'll be OK.

I've got two. My older dd did want a sister, but when we actually adopted her sister, it was a different story. After a day, she came to me and explained that it was all a mistake and we could take the baby back and all would be good.

One thing I would say is to acknowledge honestly that in many ways it will suck for her. She's not going to be the center of the universe. She's going to get a lot less attention than she did. She's going to have to share her stuff. There will be less in the way of family resources. It's sort of how I'd imagine it would be if my husband brought home a younger, cuter woman and wanted her to be his second wife, and expected me to be happy about it. Personally, I think the worst thing you can do is gloss over this stuff.

However, my two kids are extremely close. Even though we have plenty of bedrooms, they like sharing one, and they are 12 and 9. I will often come in to their room in the morning to find that they've curled up together. They have very different personalities, yet they get along beautifully. The older one is very protective of the younger, and the younger thinks the older hung the moon.

[TiredX2]

My kids are much closer together (2.5 years) and both were planned, but I just wanted you to know that I think no matter what the spacing, no matter what the plans most people go through *many* grieving processes. I know that no matter how much DS was wanted I did still have to let go the idea of DD being an only. Just because you want one thing, doesn't mean that there are not parts of the other choice(s) you will miss. There were several things like that for me during pg. We were going to have two, so one of each seemed ideal so it surprised me when I found out DS was a DS instead of a DD that I needed to let go the idea of DD having a sister like I had. I hadn't really even thought of that before it was no longer an option, kwim.

Your family is different now. There is no going back. And your years with an only child are something you will probably miss. But you are going on to something different, something you will also love, and in time, something you could not imagine being different.

Be easy on yourself and enjoy

[Girlprof]

Our kids are 4 years apart and it's a bit different since DS was enthusiastic about getting a sibling. But here is my favorite sibling story of the moment. DS is very mature and able to handle fancy restaurants and theater performances. DD is only two and probably doesn't have the personality that will allow her to enjoy these things at such a young age as DS did.

We decided early on we would still have the occasional restaurant followed by theater evening with just DS to give him special time with mom and dad. We went a few weeks ago and the first words out of his mouth as we drove down the street were: I can't wait until my sister is old enough to go with us. It's still a ways off before that can happen, but I can see him now, showing her the seats, telling her where the orchestra sits, etc. They adore each other.

There are some bumps along the way, sure. But the benefits hugely outweigh the bumps. I don't think the car issue will matter at all, btw. You managed one baby w/o a car, right? And your older child is perfectly capable of walking or using other kinds of transportation now.

It was very helpful for DS to be involved with the pregnancy. He went to some MW appointments, he was there for the "big" ultrasound, and he was present at his sister's birth as well.

Congratulations, by the way. This is going to be marvelous!

[carfreemama]

Thanks, mamas! These are exactly the kinds of stories I need to hear. And anne_of_loxley, that poem describes exactly how I feel right now.

This pregnancy feels so unexpected. I thought we were one and done and then, when I decided differently, I thought we had left it too late. We have had a family culture of three, if that makes any sense. We've never outright said to dd, "you are our only, forever;" but I think there's a been a tone of that. No mention about brothers or sisters, no questions about why she doesn't have any. She has never played with dolls or shown interest in babies. She has actively told us she likes being our only.

I've only known about this pregnancy for two days! I am only 4 weeks pregnant. I know how tenuous this is and it could end at any moment. I think that's part of the fear. I don't want to get attached, anyway.

I did a little ritual to welcome the new baby. I lit a candle and put on loose pants and sat on the floor. I welcomed him/her out loud and spoke the names of all his/her family members, all the people who would love him/her. I told him/her that he/she would have a big sister and named her. Then I asked him/her to join me on a journey for however long it's meant to be.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I was freaked out when pregnant with my third because we were done and I didn't know how the kids would take it. We never did a big announcement or anything--more like, "oh, mom's pregnant, don't be rough with her". Turned out she'd been wishing and praying for a little sister (which she got!).

[baglady]

I can't answer from he parent's perspective, but I can give you my experience as a sister to a much younger sibling.

I was 7 when my younger sister was born. I was really excited about it. In a lot of ways, I was old enough to understand that babies need lots of mommy's attention. My mom has said that it was a lot easier than if I had been a toddler. I didn't begrudge her giving the baby attention. My mom made an effort the fit the baby into the life we already had because it had been set for so long. For example, bringing the baby to Brownies rather than making me stop going. That sort of thing would have been hard on me.

I was really interested in helping with the baby, and I was old enough to actually help rather than "get in the way" help. I really liked having her around and playing with her when I was little. What's better than a human baby doll?

As far as our sibling relationship goes, 7 years is a big gap for kids. We played with each other until I was a preteen, then I wasn't interested. But, now that we're both adults, we're very close. I can tell you that we've only gotten into one fight. We had no sibling rivalry at all because we were always in a different place in our lives. I mean why would a 16 year old be jealous of my wedding, and why would a 12 year old get jealous of attention their sibling gets at kindergarten graduation?

Sometimes my mom has said it was like having two only children. When I went to college my sister was 11. We both got almost equal alone time with mom and dad which is kind of cool.

I wouldn't have it any other way!

[mistymama]

My Mom used to talk about how she felt that same way .. she wondered how she could ever love a child as much as she loved me. I was 6 when my sister was born, and I loved her to death. I was like a second Mom to her, and my own Mom learned love expands, it's not divided.

I guess that experience colors how I view this ... I'm 17 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child, and ds will be almost 8 when this baby arrives. From the very start I've been so excited to provide him with a little brother or sister. Over the years I've sometimes felt guilty that he might be an only child and not experience that. And because ds is older, he's very into the pregnancy, how the baby is developing .. he even reads a book to the baby each night.

I think it's normal to be somewhat nervous about how your life is going to change. But as your pregnancy progresses, I think you will all begin to get so very excited.

Congratulations!!!! Sending sticky vibes your way for sure.