Staying at Grandmas

[Wild Lupine]

DD is 3 1/2 and still needs us to stay with her when she falls asleep and also comes into our bed in the middle of the night most mights. We're fine with this. She falls asleep quickly and we like the time together. So we're not looking to change the arrangement we have at home.

My mother has my sister's kids stay with her sometimes and says my DD can stay too if 1) she falls asleep on her own and 2) she stays in her bed all night long. My mother says if DD comes to her bed she'll calmly walk her back to her own bed. She also said DD staying the same room as her but another bed isn't an option.

I don't think DD can do this yet. One of the reasons she comes into our bed is that she gets scared in her own room and I don't want her to be scared at someone else's house and not be able to get comfort from the adult. I'm thinking this is a sign that my mother isn't the best overnight caretaker for DD yet, so we have no plans to let her stay there.

But it has got me thinking about how to get a child used to being someplace other than home should the need arise? It's fine with us if she sleeps with us, but I also would like her to be able to stay at a friends house or grandparents if she wanted to.

[LadyCatherine185]

If your mom is unwilling to compromise on those things, I don't think I would let her stay. My DS stayed overnight with my mom a couple weeks ago, but she held him until he fell asleep, and she slept in bed with him. He actually did GREAT, only woke up once all night (previously he'd been waking a LOT) and didn't cry at all. I trust my mom to uphold our 'AP standards.' If you explained to your DD that she would be spending the night but had to stay in her own room/bed by herself all night, would she even want to go?

[newmommy7-08]

I agree w/ PP. My IL's will be keeping DS when we head in to have the twins. While he's only 2, that has little to do with the fact that she will respect the way we put DS to sleep, holding him and laying w/him until he's asleep. She will try to keep him in the spare room, but that's a really good thing, since FIL is an octopus at night and has nearly knocked her senseless w/ flinging arms lol! However, she'll also lay w/ DS all night if that's what he needs. Your DD will eventually be able to handle sleeping on her own I'm sure, and I personally feel overnights to grandma's or w/friends will wait until that day happens.

[akind1]

would your DD be staying at the same time as her cousins? if so then could all the cousins share a room or a bed? I know it is not the same as an adult helping her to sleep, but just having other people in the room might be a comfort.

with that said, my MIL has a whole nursery set up at her house. and I sincerely doubt DS will ever use it. They babysat one evening and even they ended up resting with DS in their bed until we got there! oh, and DS will likely not spend the night away from us until . . . well until I'm ready! and I don't know if or when that will happen!

[crunchy_mommy]

I think by the time your DD is old enough for sleep-overs at friends' or grandparents' houses, she'll be able to sleep better by herself. Maybe it's just me but I wouldn't have my kid sleep over someone's house without me until at least school age.

But, that being said, as a kid I had lots of trouble sleeping alone, and ended up on the floor of my parents' room most nights. I also remember going to sleepovers but I didn't have any issue with them. I may have been a bit older than when my sleep issues peaked, I don't remember, but it just happened naturally (and I didn't cosleep with my parents as a baby).

[Biscuits & Gravy]

I don't think it is really fair of your mom to have those requirements! Even if your DD was able to comply with her rules, chances are being away from you for the first time will throw her off and she'd likely need some night time grandparenting. KWIM? My mom has had DS1 stay overnight often, since he was about 1.5 years old. She was always willing to sleep with him, lay next to him until he fell asleep, or let him sleep in her bed. She doesn't do that for my niece and nephews, but they don't require it. She adjusts to suit the needs of each of her grandkids. She'll be staying with my boys this fall while DH and I travel (once in a lifetime opportunity) and I guarantee she'll have both of them in bed with her if they need it. The only thing she has ever drawn the line at was when DS1 used to ask her to nurse him in the middle of the night.

I would imagine that you'll know when your DD is ready to stay away from home when her sleep at home changes. Or when she lets you know that she is ready.

[Wild Lupine]

Thanks for the advice; knowing other grandparents are more than willing to do set up a supportive sleeping arrangement put my mother's conditions into perspective. I suppose I should be glad she was so upfront about her requirements. Better know ahead of time than send DD and have the night times be a disaster.

DD probably isn't ready to be away from us over night yet. Maybe her first time away can be with a family that is willing to meet her needs. My friends parent the way I do; my family thinks I'm nuts for ever letting the kids be in our room.

[madskye]

My MIL lays down with DD when she goes to sleepover their house. I think she used to sleep the night with DD in the guest room, but now that DD is 5 MIL eventually goes back to her own bed and DD just sleeps thru the night.

We actually don't/didn't co-sleep, but whether you do or don't, kids usually need a little more reassurance when they're sleeping in a new strange environment!

[Doodlebugsmom]

Wow. My kids have been staying all night with my mom and step-dad, as well as my dad on occasion, since they were around 2 years old. They're now 6 and 8 and they still love to sleep with their grandparents! I always slept with my grandparents too when I was young. I think your mom is being unreasonable.

[ann_of_loxley]

It is amazing how children can cope in an emergency situation - should that need ever arise! I don't think we have to prepare our children for such highly unlikely events. When the birth of this little man of mine resulted in emergency transfer to the hospital, my son coped well with staying at a friends - without us! And hes never been without either DH or I before!!!....And I was once advised to let him CIO as a baby so that if I ever had to go to hospital without him, he would be used to it!...Whatever!!! lol

but I also would like her to be able to stay at a friends house or grandparents if she wanted to.

Chances are, if she wants to - she will be fine with the setup/situation of that!

[Maluhia]

DD sleeps with her grandmother when she stays over in the guest bed as my Dad has a CPAP and is not safe as a nightime grandparent with that on. That being said my Mother just the other day was telling me that she loves how DD likes to sleep (back to back touching just one part - a leg, rear, etc.) and how it reminds her of my biological father who died when I was young but apparently slept just the same. I can't imagine letting her stay somewhere she was not going to be supported and loved if she were afraid of the dark, etc.

[Peony]

My mom sleeps with my kids when they stay the night over, she lays down with them until they fall asleep as well. Back before my sister got married and DD1 used to do sleepovers with her, she would do the same. I come from a non-cosleeping family so it wasn't like this is something that they were used to before I had children, they just know it is what I do with them, and so they follow my lead.