Queer mama in need of moral support - 1st pregnancy, 2nd child

[sparkjen]

Any other queer mamas out there who are carrying the second baby after your partner had the first?? I'm 32 weeks preggo and our son, Joss, who my partner carried is a lively and active (and awesome) 17 month old.

My beloved wife is a SAHM, not by choice but due to the awfulness of the job market (she often says that she would have happily been home with Joss for the first 8-10 months, but since then has been pretty desperate to find a job, with no luck (despite a master's degree and excellent references).

Needless to say there is a lot of stress and frustration in our lives right now. I'm the sole breadwinner, when I would be much happier in the (at least part time) SAHM role, and I'm in my third trimester (of a very easy pregnancy, at least!), which means the mood swings are getting more intense. She's not much of a nurturer. I am in serious need of some special nurturing and attention. When I ask for it (in what I think is a reasonable way), I don't get helpful or particularly caring responses (again, she's very stressed and feeling overwhelmed with the care of our son and our three cats, one of whom is incredibly needy). When I say I'd like to get an $80 massage, what I'm really saying is, I need more nurturing, and I know you're not available to give it to me, so here's a way I think I can get it. When she says 'that's way too expensive', I hear 'no way' and feel like I"m being bossed around (that's just one example).

Argh. Sorry for the verbal diarrhea. We had a bit of a showdown last night (which, fortunately, ended rather conciliatorily, but still) and I'm exhausted and weepy and really just in need of some words of support. Of course if you've been in the same position (or are here now), that will help too, but really I'll take whatever I can get!

Thanks to all of you for being out there and willing to read this.

Jen

[MiaMama]

Not feeling heard and nurtured when pregnant is rough.

I only have one suggestion. Instead of saying something that has to be interpreted, try to say exactly what you mean. I woud balk at the suggestion for an $80 massage, too. But if you said "I need more nurturing, and I know you're not available to give it to me (or, I know how hard you are already working), so can we think of a way I can get it?" I would personally respond much more favorably to that.

Having been a breadwinner at times, and a SAHM at times, I can understand how different the perspective is, and it is sometimes difficult to remember what the working partner is going through. Also, taking care of a toddler makes a person forget what being pregnant really feels like. I think direct communication is sooooo helpful, especially before tempers get heated.

I hope you can get the TLC you deserve.

[Qbear'smama]

I've not been in your position but I couldn't read your post without giving you a . I am sure it is very tough being under pressure as the sole breadwinner, especially being as pregnant as you are and craving nurturing you're not getting. Will you get some good time off after the baby's born? I hope you get to enjoy that SAHM time before you go back. I am sure your partner is stressed about the situation, too, some people aren't very good at being nurturing when they're stressed and possibly feeling guilty for the position you're in...I hope the job/financial situation improves, wishing you luck that things change quickly for the better. You'll get through it, you are obviously a very strong mama!

[NicolleLynne]

Hugs Mama! I'm 38 weeks and though not in your exact situation, can definitely empathize. The third trimester mood swings are rough and I find it increasingly difficult to get the support I need from my husband. We also have pets, one a very needy kitty and recently moved and he seems totally consumed by caring for our home and animals, which is great, except that I feel a bit left out. I'm like, "Ummm... I'm so glad you're installing that dimmer but there's a scared first time about to be mama over here who would really, really love a hug!" I think all the work around the house is just his way of coping with his own fears about impending fatherhood but still, I feel a little lonely and that combined with pregnancy hormones is a perfect recipe for tearful breakdowns which I've been having more and more frequently.

I wish I had some awesome solution for us both but I guess there's not much to do but power on through these last few weeks and try to be as understanding of our partners as possible, in the hopes that they in turn, will try to understand us.

Wishing you all the best,
Nicolle

[juliebird]

awww Jen. Hugs to you.

It's always hard emotionally when you're not feeling supported (for whatever reason) from your partner. It's especially hard when you're in the final stages of pregnancy and you're feeling particularly vulnerable. it sounds like she's really struggling too. FWIW, staying at home with a toddler can be really really challenging emotionally and mentally...no matter how much you love the little one or want to be there. Speaking from experience it's tough. Is she going to stay home with the new baby too? Once your maternity leave is over? Is that causing her stress too?

No matter what though, you deserve to be supported through this tumultuous time. You explain things so well in your post (the example of the massage is really telling), have you had the opportunity to say the same to her? Maybe she just needs to hear it put that way.

Just hang in there Jen. Pretty soon you'll have an awesome little sibling for your awesome little Joss. And things will level out at home.

I'm glad you came here for support. it's good that you reached out! Take care and keep us updated.

[COgirl19]

Oh mama, I feel your pain. We are in a similar position, I am working full-time, nearly 27 weeks pregnant, while DH is a SAHD with our 3 year old due to a terrible job market. I agree with what a PP said. I think you need to directly ask your partner for nurturing. Acknowledge she may not be able to give it to you but a frank discussion about HOW you can get it is in order.

Try to maybe talk to her about how she felt during her last trimester with Joss, did she need some TLC too? Did she have fears or worries that needed a calm nurturing response? I would get it all our in the open.

I really think now is the time to deal with this. As much support as you need during pregnancy, i found I needed even MORE post-partum. DH couldn't give that to me since he was in the Navy at the time and gone a lot but I was very blessed to have family fill in for me, though it was still hard and not the same as having the co-parent there. I hope you can get the love you need.

p.s.- is there a faith community or friends/relatives you can also reach out to for help for both of you with Joss, the new baby or the cats?

[mkpgoddess]

Hey mama,

I've been in parts of your situation. I carried/am carrying both children, but my wife was the SAHM with DD #1 until she was two. It was really hard because in our dynamic, she wanted to be the breadwinner and I wanted to be the one at home. Due to the economy and the fact that my job just pays more than hers will for a very long time, it just happened that she was the one at home...and she hated it. She hated it and I resented her for hating what I wanted so badly. Now, she's back to work and MUCH MUCH happier, and I still want to come home...LOL!

Anyway, . I completely concur with the folks PP...actually sit her down and tell her what you need. The fact that she seems so callous could just be obliviousness to what you are really asking for.

Also, http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1200350 is a forum of queer mamas and papas that are in various points in their pregnancies. You are quite welcome to join us!!

[sparkjen]

Hi Samantha, thanks for the tip on the queer/pregnant thread! I looked a bit for something like this, but it didn't come up in my search. Now I've gotten in but am not sure I requested my listing correctly. Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts and experience - it sounds much like our situation in so many ways! You never realize when you're growing up and imagining your future that something so un-romantic as financial straits can throw so much out the window! I do love my job, so at least there's that. But you hit it on the head - hard not to resent my wife for not loving what I wish I had! And of course she in turn feels under-appreciated for the fact that I can't completely know what it's like for her. I just need to keep reminding myself that life won't always be this hard...

[sparkjen]

Thanks to everyone for your hugs and support! Just what I needed this morning. And many of you who said it are absolutely right - all of this is temporary and things will get better (and then, undoubtedly, get worse again at times!). Honesty and openness is what my partner and I have built our 12 year relationship on, and recently (hm, since we had our first child, perhaps?!) things have changed in some rather dramatic ways, including how we communicate with and nurture each other. For understandable reasons. But reminders from time to time that being honest with ourselves (like me, figuring out that it is nurturing I need, not necessarily an $80 massage) before talking to each other about certain things, are very helpful. I am a bit of a drama queen even when I'm not pregnant, so it's coming out ever stronger as I head into the home stretch and start looking toward life with a newborn and a toddler! I will be getting to take 3 months off this summer, so we'll be able to ease into this new situation somewhat slowly. And who knows what the fall will bring in terms of work for her.

Jen

[mkpgoddess]

Jen- that's exactly it. It won't always be this hard. Eventually, your wife WILL go back to work and you WON'T be pregnant. Hopefully, you will get the chance to be a SAHM! I'm still waiting for that day (:sigh but the additional income and a happier, balanced wife still is far and above what it was when she was home and I still rejoice in that.

Just hang on and hang in there. It will get better. TRY to communicate as much as you can what you are feeling in the meantime. Maybe this is a crossroads that both of you need so that BOTH of you are meeting each others needs.

As for the other thread, you did just fine and welcome

[Galatea]

Ahhh, the joys of marriage! It's hard when you are pg and hormonal and tired. I'd also advise being very direct and clear. It sounds like you both feel like the other is not paying enough attention. Maybe you can break the stalemate by giving her a lot of attention (be the change you want.)

[aslyn]

I completely understand, I am 35 weeks and the main breadwinner, my dh is great about keeping up on things so I don't have to do to much other than laundry and dishes. BUT with 3 other kids we do tend to lose track of each other so it gets hard to find that "us" time that I so desperatley need right now! What we started doing was once a week (usualy saturday or sunday nights) we order a movie on DVR or watch whatever we have dvr'd that week. We put the kids in the other room to watch a kids movie and pass out, even if they dont go to sleep unless someone produces blood or a broken bone they arent to come bothering us. Ours are a bit older so you might have to wait til the toddler goes to sleep, but for us it works. Even if we dont actualy watch the movie we just talk and cuddle.

And no it wont always be like this..this is our 4th..and like you we've had our ups and downs..life is ever-changing!

Good luck mamma!!

[HaikuMommy]

I work at an office all day to bring home a paycheck, while my DH works part-time from home. He is home with our toddler, and I am not -- so I understand what it's like to be pregnant and working, missing your little one, hormonal, and wishing you could just be a SAHM. It sucks!

One thing I have noticed is that when I am in a bad mood, my DH catches it like a cold. And when he is in a bad mood, the same thing happens to me. I read somewhere that this is common in very close couples... the more in tune to each other you are, the more difficult it is not to "share" a mood, whether that is happy, sad, or angry!

So when I am frustrated or down, it helps to talk about it as though I was outside looking in. For example, "Wow, we are going through some tough times right now. It's frustrating, huh? Neither one of us is getting the attention/nurturing/whatever we are used to getting." This brings us closer together right away, and sometimes we end up laughing at how crazy life is. When I just say "I'm frustrated!" he will generally feel the need to tell me, "Well, I'm frustrated, too!" and it almost becomes a competition. Then it's hard to comfort each other because we are both saying "What about me?!"

Sounds like you and your wife are very close, and maybe you pick up on each other's moods. Just a thought! Best wishes, and yes... this time will go by and a new situation/season of life will crop up. Hopefully one you will both enjoy more!