single mama'ish...

[mystic~mama]

hey mamas...I haven't considered myself a single mom for years but given my partners ebb and flow of absences (mostly work related) I am starting to come to terms with the fact that in many ways I am a single mama and it is something I have resisted...I guess, I feel as if I am defective in some way if I am a single mama......

parts inside can feel that I'm not good enough since I don't have a truly present partner or husband in this journey.

it is hard for me to even type that last sentence. I love my DP very much yet, at this point I am feeling more like calling him my boyfriend...

I am wondering if we can ease off a bit and be less serious.....we are approaching our 4 year anniversary and I'm starting to really notice the long term effects of the coming and going on myself, my DD and my relationship...

I guess partly I'm wondering if we can become less serious...we live together and have been in a very serious close relationship for years....

The other morning I told him I want him to lay off trying to be such a big part of parenting DD when he is gone so much that I am a single mama basically more than half the time And I don't feel like he has the bond w/her I do...she is 8.

anyway......I have posted in parents as partners and step family but those never felt like they totally fit...and here I am, this seems to feel like a place where I can get some understanding....

thanks for reading

: )

[Holland73]

I can relate - to a certain degree, although I am no longer in that relationship anymore.

We were together for 18+ months and lived together. He was a workaholic.
For the first 14 months of our relationship, he was working 7 days a week. He was rarely around and I never felt like we were partners, which at the time felt OK. He got along great with ds and they were buddies, but that was about it. He never even attempted to 'parent' ds, so that was never an issue for us.

Eventually, it just wasn't enough and we parted ways. I loved him so very, very much, but ultimately, I wanted more and he couldn't give it to me. I wanted a partner that would be more active in both my and ds' lives.

These were some of the questions that I asked and journaled about as my relationship was starting to come to an end. It helped me a lot to get a clearer perspective. Perhaps, they might help you too.

Why do I stay in the relationship? What am I getting from the relationship? Do I believe that what I TRULY want and desire is not out there for me?

Btw, how does he feel about your suggestions?

[mystic~mama]

i think i'm losing my faith that love will prevail......

[Theia]

Sometimes it is better for all involved to let go because eventually everyone will find a more fulfilling life and or partner. It's not a real failure. If approached from that point, it is an incredibly loving thing to do. For everyone involved.

I also second asking yourself some deep questions such as those Holland suggested.

And don't over think it either. Once you have given it serious consideration and you know and feel what is the right thing to do, give in to it, accept it and follow through on whatever that may be.

[Holland73]

Unfortunately, love is never enough. Love is just one of the major components in a relationship.

Take some time for yourself and just be. Seriously, just sit and be. Stillness is an amazing tool.

You will know what you need to do and when you need to do it. Just trust yourself.

[mystic~mama]

Thank you for your replies.....

Holland73,,,Namaste'....I love the simplicity of your response.


Our counselor says she has hope for us.....we meet with her this week....

blessings

[mystic~mama]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Why do I stay in the relationship?

I have grown an extraordinary amount because of our relationship...we have common life goals...we have a beautiful connection, we have beautiful sex.

What am I getting from the relationship?

I get to look at all my wounds and work at healing them...my partner triggers me way down deep...

We have a nice lifestyle

I get to travel and bring my dreams to fruition...because of his life experience and love for travel and nature....

There is a lot of support to open up and be who I am from my partner

We can be really close friends and we both really love that

I've experienced and learned so much about nature because of him...and so has DD, she has had some amazing experiences...a whole new world has opened up for both of us...

DD has a close although volatile relationship with him, he loves reading to and playing with her and has spend hundreds of hours doing this...she loves him very much.

Do I believe that what I TRULY want and desire is not out there for me?

I believe if DP and I can work through our "stuff" everything I truly want and desire is right here...

Btw, how does he feel about your suggestions?

He said he felt it was harsh when I told him how I feel like a single mama and that he needs to back off trying to parent...yet he also saw some truth in it......

he is at sea so we haven't had a chance to talk about anything else...

[/QUOTE]

[mystic~mama]

Originally Posted by Theia

it is an incredibly loving thing to do. For everyone involved.

I can really feel the love in what you are saying here...

[mystic~mama]

Originally Posted by Holland73

He was a workaholic.
For the first 14 months of our relationship, he was working 7 days a week. He was rarely around and I never felt like we were partners, which at the time felt OK. He got along great with ds and they were buddies, but that was about it. He never even attempted to 'parent' ds, so that was never an issue for us.

Eventually, it just wasn't enough and we parted ways. I loved him so very, very much, but ultimately, I wanted more and he couldn't give it to me. I wanted a partner that would be more active in both my and ds' lives.

so, I'm curious if you saw the workaholism as a symptom of something deeper?

what we are doing in our relationship is working at getting to the root of these behaviors because the desire for the life partnership is there in both of us.

just curious...

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by mystic~mama

so, I'm curious if you saw the workaholism as a symptom of something deeper?

His workaholism was just who he was. He was working like that before, during and, even moreso now, after our relationship.

In the beginning, I was OK with the little amount of time we saw each other. It fit my life and I wasn't really looking for much more.

As we moved forward, I wanted more and he said he did also. He tried, although in hindsight, I think it was more of a matter of something you are 'suppose to do' or 'expected to do' than anything else. So, we moved in together after a year, but ultimately, it just wasn't for him.

Chances are, he will be a bachelor for life. Relationships are difficult, exhausting and not easy for him for various reasons.

It was an amazing experience and I learned so much about myself in that relationship. He'll always be very special to me.