need advice, support, hugs, etc. (long)

[dfunk98]

so, af was late and i took a test about 3 1/2 hours ago. it was positive. a total shock, to be honest. both dd and ds were planned and took awhile to conceive. i am nursing both of them, so i am really shocked, since it took 5 months and loads of herbs and vits to get pg with ds, but i digress. dh has said fervently that we are "done", i was only in partial agreement. well, biology has made the decision for us, i guess, so to speak. dh is less than thrilled, obviously. that's that part of the story.
the next part is me and dh's relationship. it's been tough lately. we've been going to counseling, but i'm growing tired of it. it doesn't seem to be helping. here is my feeling about our "problems" and the whole situation...
i have made arrangements for my parents to watch the kids tomorrow so dh and i can go out to dinner and talk about our relationship and our latest "development" . i just feel like laying it all out on the table. like "i need xyz from you what can we do to make that happen?" like really concrete stuff. we've done this before in counseling, but dh puts up a wall and barely listens when we get there. i really want to be happy with him and i want him to be happy with us. it's just sometimes i feel like he wishes he lived in the 50's with kids who are seen and not heard and a wife like donna reed. i paint a pretty picture, right? really it's not that bad-he's not that bad. i just feel like he holds alot in and i can't meet his needs when i don't know what they are.
aside from the fact that i am TOTALLY FREAKING OUT about this bfp. i just need some support right now. thanks.

[me&3]

I hear you - - my dh and I actually started therapy at the beginning of this pregnancy. We stopped going after a few months because things got a lot better, but I think what happened was that my dh just "woke up" to the reality that he needed. I hope it happens with you, too! Hugs.

[etsdtm99]

yikes. big hugs for you! i think you have a good plan, to talk to your DH, just be sure to present it in such a way that he knows you want to make him happy too.. maybe even say that first so he doesn't shut you out because he thinks you're just demanding things of him or whatever.. you know?

i am in a similar situation with a surprise pregnancy, though different because we were planning a 3rd eventually.. but it was a total shock, DS is still nursing, we tried for nearly a year to get pg with DS and motnhs with DD .. so a surprise when we were preventing just seems crazy.. my DH was less than thrilled at first.. refused to talk about it for the most part.. he is doing MUCH better now (22 wks) and has even been dropping hints about #4 (he originally only wanted 2, agreed to 3 for me.. )

[HaikuMommy]

My first one was not planned, and our relationship was not strong. It is a scary experience.

Sounds like some communication problems? I recommend the ICP couple communication program. It helps draw out the resistant partner and helps with listening skills as well. You can search for "ICP couple communication" to find info online. I learned SO much from this program. It's not counseling, but coaching -- in how to talk things out, really listen, and make concrete plans together to actually change the things that bother you.

I think counseling can be great, but if your husband doesn't respond to counseling, communication coaching might be the way to go. It teaches you how to communicate everyday, instead of just trying to work things out in counseling for one hour every week or two. I think ICP can really be great when one partner is more communicative than the other. Not only do you learn skills, but the coach can actually watch you have conversations and guide you along so you get to the heart of the matter and resolve issues then and there.

Anyway, that's my 2 cents! Hopefully you will be able to work everything out. With three little ones (scary, I know!) you have to work hard to find ways to be happy together. I hope hubby is open to it. Lots of hugs, mama.

P.S. If hubby was so fervently against more babies, why didn't he get a vasectomy? I hope he doesn't make this out to be "your fault"! I really feel for you.

[RedOakMomma]

I'm not sure what others have said, but two things come to mind:

1. Find a different counselor. If this one isn't making things happen for you, including opening you both up then you need a new one. Counselors are so different from each other...their styles, their advice, their personalities, their biases...Dh and I had very successful marriage therapy, and the advice we got was to shop around for counselors. When you do a couple sessions with a counselor and things don't seem to be clicking, or working, then try somewhere else. I know it's a pain-in-the-butt process (especially with little ones), but saving a marriage is a big deal. It's worth it.

2. I'm not sure laying it all out on the table is a good idea. Do you think you'll really get satisfactory answers (the answers you want/need to hear), or is this more about dumping out your worries and unhappinesses? When a marriage isn't going well, big-time attempts at clearing everything up all at once seem to fail. Usually (in my observation and experience) they just dredge up all the little problems happening, and nothing constructive is accomplished. It's so hard to listen, or to be a good listener, when you or your husband are unhappy. If he doesn't listen well, don't be too upset with him. You guys sound like you both need to rebuild.

s and good luck to you. Don't give up. We crashed and burned that old marriage in therapy (it got harder before it got better), but this "new" marriage is wonderful. The work is worth it.

[queenofchaos]

I am sorry that you are having a tough time. With this pg, my DH and I were both in agreement about no more kids and then suprise! We have had a really rough year and a half (not just relationally, but in other ways) and I know what you mean when you say you feel tired of it all. It's hard to hang in there and work it out, but worth it. The only thing that I would suggest, when you talk to him, just bring your greatest need or the issue that needs the most attention to the table. I could be wrong, but when you say he puts up a wall maybe he gets overwhelmed. I know taking things a little bit at a time is frustrating, but usually the best. I hope your dinner talk is productive. Working on relationship issues is tough when pg hormones start getting in the mix.

[dfunk98]

thanks everyone for the support and advice. you all make alot of good points. i will keep you posted.

keep it coming