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So I pretty much have to be nice now, right? UPDATE post 78 - Page 3

post #41 of 89
oh honey I feel you. I went through some major trauma with my SIL after my DH died and severed ties because she outright lied to me over and over about important info regarding my DH. She developed lymphoma about a year later. It was horrible. We did make up (sort of) thoughshe never apologized to me sincerely for lying to me about some MAJOR things and I just couldn't hack it. I really tried to forgive her but in the end I just can't. After over a year of contact I broke ties again. I felt like a heartless bitch but what it was doing to my insanity was not healthy in any way. She died 5 months later. What a nightmare. In hindsight I should have never let her back in my life. BIG MISTAKE. I understand being compassionate but sickness does NOT make up for being treated badly IMHO. I wish with all my heart thing didn't have to be that way but when you tell someone they are the reason their husband is DEAD and many other cruelties behind mine and my babies backs (and lies that majorly affected us), well sickness just doesn't make up for that. It's a very tough situation to be in but follow your heart. You can still keep a distance and supportive.

I am still very affected by the situation and it's been almost 8 months. It has scarred me more than losing my own husband! (I have major issues you could say)

HORRIBLE either way.
post #42 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephenie View Post
Backstory:
My relationship with my inlaws has been terrible ever since I got pregnant for the first time. I miscarried that first baby. Shortly thereafter my MIL tracked down my mom outside of her work and told her she thought I miscarried the baby because apparently, I am anorexic. That was the start of a lot of craziness...I'll spare you details, but the highlights include my MIL arranging a dinner out, an hour from my home to which she invited my husband and newborn breastfed son (days out of the NICU for brain trauma) but explicitly dis-invited me... my FIL screaming at me on Christmas... FIL telling me all I did was sit around all day when I ran a business AND worked a job at night bartending etc etc etc...

Recently, an incident happened where I decided I was totally done with the inlaws...a few months ago, my family and I moved 2500 miles away from them. Shortly thereafter, I went back with the kids to visit my family. The inlaws were out of town pretty much my whole trip, however I did take the kids over to see them one evening, and my 3 year old stayed the night. The next morning, I went to pick him up and he ran away from me. I figure he just wants to keep getting spoiled, whatever. I take him to the car and he gets increasingly upset. He says I don't love him. Again, I think he's just being a kid who spent the night getting spoiled. Then he won't let me touch him. FREAKS out whenever I do, keeps saying I don't love him. Starts hyperventilating, shaking, crying. Gets hot to the touch he's so upset. And keeps saying I don't love him. So I say "Why do you think that?" and he says "Grandpa." I say "What?" he says "Grandpa say you don't love me." So I am livid, obviously, but I just try to tell him mama loves him. It takes hours to calm him and eventually we talk about how sometimes people are wrong and Grandpa was just mistaken... but he was really upset all day... said things about how Grandpa said I don't love him and how it made him so sad. I have no doubt that something happened along those lines... the idea that he made it up himself does not work for me. He was so upset that he felt feverish and very specific. His story never changed.

So my husband talks to MIL and says that Keagan is upset and asks if anything happened while he was there. She says no. The next day she calls back and asks if he's better. DH tells her that Keagan thinks I don't love him since he came back (but leaves out that he says FIL said it) Then she acted all nervous and said that when I was there I was "really rough" with him and that had to be why. She said she'd "never seen Steph act like that."
BULL. I am anything but rough with my kids.

So we decide that we are just going to pretty much cut them out. I have not spoken to her since and removed her from my facebook. DH has only replied to text messages.

Today she called and he answered. She has breast cancer. It's too early to know how bad it is, she just go biopsy results today. Of course dh is upset (I am too, I am not souless) and he wants us to all make up.

I pretty much have to forget all of this stuff, no matter how crazy she is, right? In any other circumstance, I doubt if I would have ever spoken to her again ... but you can't really turn family with cancer away can you?

I am at a loss here. She needs support, but that does not change what happened. I know I am just going to have to put it aside, but man.... she has caused me a lot of pain.

Tell me to buck it up and be kind to a sick woman. That's what I know I have to do... I am just having a hard time because a lot of this stuff is so fresh.
NOPE! Breast cancer is tragic and all but this woman accused you of abuse of your child abuse to your husband after her husband tried to poison your child and clearly abused him by creating intense trauma. My husband would be invited to go back to his mama for good if he couldn't see why you and your child will not be in any kind of relationship. He can go see her alone. Period.
post #43 of 89
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone for your input. I especially appreciate hearing the stories from those of you who've had to deal with toxic families.

DH is talking with her on the phone. I sent a card. She asked him to try and get me to add her on facebook again, but I won't. She doesn't deserve to be in my personal life and I consider that to be part of it, as silly as that may sound (she tended to put snide remarks up about things like the size of our house or my housecleaning skills....all masked as support, of course, but not well...) I would rather delete the account than have her back on it.

As of right now we still don't have word on how serious it is and if she's getting surgery or chemo or what is happening. It all seems a bit off, but I am trying to assume she is sick, for DH. I have stopped trashing her or saying anything about her really and just supporting my husband through this.

I'll be back in WA this summer for a week and I am just going to be sure she doesn't know. Hopefully, we don't bump into her in town or something.

Thanks again for your support. It's great to have somewhere to let this all out.
post #44 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephenie View Post
Thanks everyone for your input. I especially appreciate hearing the stories from those of you who've had to deal with toxic families.

DH is talking with her on the phone. I sent a card. She asked him to try and get me to add her on facebook again, but I won't. She doesn't deserve to be in my personal life and I consider that to be part of it, as silly as that may sound (she tended to put snide remarks up about things like the size of our house or my housecleaning skills....all masked as support, of course, but not well...) I would rather delete the account than have her back on it.

As of right now we still don't have word on how serious it is and if she's getting surgery or chemo or what is happening. It all seems a bit off, but I am trying to assume she is sick, for DH. I have stopped trashing her or saying anything about her really and just supporting my husband through this.

I'll be back in WA this summer for a week and I am just going to be sure she doesn't know. Hopefully, we don't bump into her in town or something.

Thanks again for your support. It's great to have somewhere to let this all out.
It's great that you are sticking up for yourself, while still respecting DH. Even if his mother is a piece of work, she's still his mother. KWIM? My father's parents were awful, abusive, crazy, nasty, mean, etc but I know that he was still deeply shaken when they fell ill and eventually died. I think that most kids want to think the best of their parents.

There is one thing that stuck out at me: she asked DH to ask you to make her your Facebook friend again? Okay, I've never actually had a terminal illness, and I will believe that everyone deals with that in in their own way... but that seems like a totally f'd up priority for a dying woman. And more like a way to worm herself back into your life for good, than for her to surround herself with loved ones in her final days. It's such a teeny tiny thing, but I think it might be pulling me over to the "fake" camp.

Anyway, good luck! It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and are doing the best anyone possibly could in this situation.
post #45 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
NOPE! Breast cancer is tragic and all but this woman accused you of abuse of your child abuse to your husband after her husband tried to poison your child and clearly abused him by creating intense trauma. My husband would be invited to go back to his mama for good if he couldn't see why you and your child will not be in any kind of relationship. He can go see her alone. Period.
Yep.

And frankly, I'd need to see a doctor's note before I would be okay with dh spending the time.

Especially after the thing about wanting you to add her back in on FB.
post #46 of 89
Yes! My thought exactly. Who the heck is thinking about FB when you're terminally ill? She's trying to worm her way back into your life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lach View Post
There is one thing that stuck out at me: she asked DH to ask you to make her your Facebook friend again? Okay, I've never actually had a terminal illness, and I will believe that everyone deals with that in in their own way... but that seems like a totally f'd up priority for a dying woman. And more like a way to worm herself back into your life for good, than for her to surround herself with loved ones in her final days. It's such a teeny tiny thing, but I think it might be pulling me over to the "fake" camp.

Anyway, good luck! It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and are doing the best anyone possibly could in this situation.
post #47 of 89
Thread Starter 
So I thought I would update:
My BIL (who I trust) has taken her to appointments, so I am going with this is real. I haven't had any contact other than the card I sent. I am supporting DH when he wants to contact them... and that's it for me. I'm praying she gets well, but at this point it's all that I am willing to do.

My son has recently started bringing up the "Mama doesn't love you" situation again and it's reminded me of why I am staying away. Dh still wants to believe somehow our son was confused... but I don't know how that could happen to this degree where he's still affected by it more than a month later.

Anyway, I thought I would give the update, thanks again for all the support everyone.
post #48 of 89
Having cancer does not necessarily mean "terminally ill." She may have cancer that was caught early and is curable, or even if it wasn't caught early she may have years to live.

OP, you did the right thing by refusing to add her back on Facebook. You don't need her in your personal life. Not trashing her in conversations with your husband is also a wise strategy.
post #49 of 89
it wouldnt change anything for me
post #50 of 89
OP, I think your response to this situation is spot-on. I think you're handling the matter with dignity. You don't deserve to be treated like a doormat, and your son doesn't deserve to be abused by his grandparents. Cancer or not.
post #51 of 89
Skipping here from the OP...

I have a similar relationship with my MIL (really...down to the her screaming at me over my son after he was recovering from brain surgery!), so I feel for you in this situation. We have also distanced ourselves.

HOWEVER, I think this is different.

I was also in the spot of your kids at one pont. My mother and her parents had a horrible falling out, and my parents decided to distance themselves from my grandparents for most of my childhood. They only started speaking again when my grandfather told them he had terminal colon cancer. He died a few months later.

As a kid, it's really important to me that I had that last summer with my grandparents. I have so little knowledge of that side of my family, or real memories to hold on to, but the ones I have are precious. No matter how tense or awful (and wow, do I remember the fights) my mom's relationship was with her parents, I loved my grandparents. I'm glad I knew them enough, even at the end, to have memories of my OWN. I'm glad I know what their house looked like, what Grampa and Grandma liked, how they smelled, how they gardened. I'm glad I have a few precious books and belongings they gave to me.

My mother passed unexpectedly when I was 28, and when she passed so did all the knowledge to that side of the family. Literally, all I have left of my grandparents, especially my Grandpa, is from my memories of that summer. It's a treasure I wouldn't trade for anything, and I'm so glad my mother swallowed her pride/pain/anger long enough for us to have that time. I hope, if a situation comes up with my MIL, I'll have the grace to do the same.

My mother, in hindsight, did what you'd probably do for your kids. She did not leave me alone with my grandparents, and she was very heavily involved in making sure we were being treated the right way. At the time it felt like being over-managed by her, but I can see what she was up to. She wanted to make sure my grandparents didn't wage war at her through us. Thankfully, they didn't. My grandmother was experiencing far too much grief, and my grandfather was too sick to play those games anymore. Other than a few fights we overheard, which I think were brought on mostly by the stress and emotions of the summer, it was a peaceful time for us kids. We visited almost every weekend--always with my mom and usually my dad, too.

Protect yourself, protect your kids as well as you can (that "mommy doesn't love you" stuff would kill me), but try to find some middle ground. I don't think you'll regret it, especially if it ends up your MIL passes away.
post #52 of 89
If it, heaven forfend, turns terminal, the OP can rethink things at that point.

It's good that your BIL is taking your MIL to appointments, that way you don't have to worry that she's exaggerating symptoms to get you to go see them.

If she has a short time to live, then yes, take the kids to go see her and stay right there to immediately correct any lies.

But if she has time and energy to ask you to add her on FB, she and FIL can apologize if they really want to see you guys.
post #53 of 89
Thread Starter 
Ugh.
I thought things were going as well as possible... but they are worse.
My FIL called my husband today. He wanted to know why I wasn't MIL's facebook friend anymore. He really pushed. So DH spelled it out for them. What DS has said and that I took it serously. DH said he didn't know what had really happened but he wanted a relationship with his parents. FIL said it was black and white and I was wrong and again said that I was "rough" with my son who FIL said was telling me not to hurt him the whole time I was there. My FIL basically told my husband that he needed to "make" me get over it because MIL is sick and "could die" *never indicated previously, every report from everyone before this has said it's a tiny tumor and this will all be over as quickly as possible. * This all obviously has upset my husband who now feels like he can't have any relationship with them at all if he wants one with me, which he does.

Ugh. I was hoping the thousands of miles between us coupled with the fact I never had a relationship with them before would help all of this but apparently not. Apparently taking someone off FACEBOOK makes me an evil person in these crazy people's eyes and now it's causing even more drama.
post #54 of 89
Just throwing this out there...

...marital therapy, in which my ILs were a major topic, was a huge thing for dh and me. He also felt very divided, very pulled...and it was not good for him, or in the end for our marriage. Having a counselor work through it all with us was enormously helpful.

to you.
post #55 of 89
IMHO, being supportive and kind to her can (and SHOULD) be totally separate from allowing your dear children into their care for more brainwashing and pain-inflicting tactics!

Do what you feel comfortable doing, if you'd like. You can send her a nice card. You can pray for her, and tell her you do. You can call every once in a while and see how she's feeling. Visit with them when you come into town. Etc, etc, etc. You can even re-Friend her on FB, if you want to. But ONLY if you feel comfortable doing those things!

And, I don't think it would be wise or healthy to allow your children to stay with them for any length of time, without your presence to keep things "in the light," IYKWIM.

I have a very dear friend who has a similar relationship with her ILs. Her FIL told her son, "Your mother doesn't love you" and "your sister tried to kill you when you were a baby", and other disgusting lies! He sent the young boys to ride their bikes in the busy street and off to play with a hunting knife "for FUN!" Her MIL unabashedly singles her out & refuses to acknowledge my friend's place in her son's family. It's really rotten, the things the ILs have done to undermine her & her husband's relationship with each other and with their children!

So-- my humble suggestion is that, if you feel so led, be kind to your MIL only to the extent that you feel comfortable in your spirit. Beyond that, be a Strong, Mindful, Loving MOM to your children and protect them As Much As Is Within Your Power, which may include keeping them from your ILs!

I hope this helps! I wish you the Best, Always.
post #56 of 89
Thread Starter 
I told DH today that I want to talk about this situation with a therapist. Hopefully we can work that out as we know noone in the state to provide childcare for the kids while we go.
He emailed them and said that giving him an ultimatium like they tried to do is BS and they shouldn't try and make him choose because they won't be happy with the outcome if they do. We haven't seen a response.
post #57 of 89
Thread Starter 
Happeesupermom, that's kind of what I've been trying. I just caren't handle much because they keep trying to say I am the one who was abusive towards my son. That makes wanting to interact with them really hard. I'd put her back on facebook if she didn't act the way she does on there... she made snarky comments all.the.time. and it was take her off or delete the account, which I really can't do because it's tied to my business account for photography and it's a good marketing tool. I sent a card. I've prayed. I asked people at church to pray for her. I don't really know what else is even really possible...we have never spoken on the phone for more than a strictly practical matter (IE they wanted to come visit my kids when we lived in town or please bring rolls to a birthday dinner) So calling her at this point just doesn't make sense. If I was in town... I don't think I could visit. Maybe with my husband. But not without and all planed trips are without him at this point as he is still new at work.

My son is so affected by the whole thing that when he describes our trip to WA when this happened as this "I went on an airplane and saw (my parents) and I saw (inlaws) and Grandpa D told me Mama don't love me. But he wron g." It makes me sad that when he talks about this trip, which was a great two weeks other than that interaction, that what he remembers most is this abuse.

At this point, dh doesn't even want to repeat all of what fil said, but it was bad. Dh said he doesn't see how after all of this we could all sit in a room together for say Christmas and it makes him really sad.
post #58 of 89
Thank goodness your dh is firmly on your side.

post #59 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Thank goodness your dh is firmly on your side.

This. And I'm so glad he's agreeing to talk to a third party. Even if he's strongly against their treatment of you and your kids, and wholeheartedly believes your side of the story (i.e., that you weren't "rough" with your son, etc.), it will be very helpful for him to have someone else he can trust to talk to when the ultimatum comes into play, or when he decides they are too toxic to have contact with, or whatever happens. And, of course, the guilt that will come when one or both of them passes and he's had all this animosity. After all, yes, they've behaved monstrously, but they're still his parents. It's really hard to reconcile those diverging feelings about people you've had in your life your whole life. He's doing great supporting you through all this drama -- don't forget he's going to need some support too!

And I'm so so sorry any of this had to happen to your family.
post #60 of 89
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stephenie View Post
Ugh.
I thought things were going as well as possible... but they are worse.
My FIL called my husband today. He wanted to know why I wasn't MIL's facebook friend anymore. He really pushed. So DH spelled it out for them. What DS has said and that I took it serously. DH said he didn't know what had really happened but he wanted a relationship with his parents. FIL said it was black and white and I was wrong and again said that I was "rough" with my son who FIL said was telling me not to hurt him the whole time I was there. My FIL basically told my husband that he needed to "make" me get over it because MIL is sick and "could die" *never indicated previously, every report from everyone before this has said it's a tiny tumor and this will all be over as quickly as possible. * This all obviously has upset my husband who now feels like he can't have any relationship with them at all if he wants one with me, which he does.

Ugh. I was hoping the thousands of miles between us coupled with the fact I never had a relationship with them before would help all of this but apparently not. Apparently taking someone off FACEBOOK makes me an evil person in these crazy people's eyes and now it's causing even more drama.
Its over. The man reiterated lies about you abusing your son. Don't know why your husband is torn. I can understand feeling sad and upset, but the decision to cut them both out would be easy. You son was clearly traumatized and they clearly would do the same thing another time. No repentance, no second chance.
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