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So I pretty much have to be nice now, right? UPDATE post 78 - Page 4

post #61 of 89
I'm a breast cancer survivor. I can double check with my oncologist, but as far as I recall, it doesn't mean that everyone in the universe is obligated to have me as a facebook friend.

I think that you did your part with not bashing her to your husband when she was being dx. Now that they are pushing the issue with your dh, while I wouldn't harp about her, I wouldn't pretend, either.

I think it's nice if you can send a card periodically. I liked getting cards while going through chemo. You don't have to say stuff you don't mean in a card--it's perfectly OK to send funny cards, or cards with beautiful pictures and just say something like "hope you are feeling better."

You do not have to pretend to be close to someone who has been toxic to you because they get cancer. And you certainly don't have to let them hurt your kids.
post #62 of 89
Thread Starter 
MIL emailed dh back and ignored the whole point of the email and talked about the move The Passion of the Christ. ??!!


So Dh went more into what FIL said last night... he said that he should call CPS on me for the way I treat my son.

I am so freaking done.

BIL is here with us now visiting and while he let me in on more family info and these people are just crazy.

After all of the crap that went down they had the gall to call BIL (not dh...) and ask if dh and I would skype with them tonight. Wtf. No way crazies.

I can't have any part of any of it anymore.
post #63 of 89
It seems awfully hypocrital to me for someone to be disowned, but then be re-accepted just because of an illness. If you don't want someone in your life, them being sick doesn't change that.

It sounds like there's some major toxicity in this family and you'll be wise to keep them far away, in health or in sickness.

I hope it doesn't backfire on you for letting this far back into your life. That cps comment.....
post #64 of 89
Thread Starter 
Ya the CPS comment really worries me. We should have never started taking their calls again.

FIL also said some weird stuff about how dh needs to "make me" write a letter to them stating that the kids are no longer going to be involved in their lives. I worry that they want me to send this letter to make me look nuts or something so they can send it off to CPS. They can freaking investigate me all they want because I am a darn good mother and anyone who knows me would vouch for me. I am not going to give them a letter to fuel further drama. I don't know why they want it but they are surely not getting it.

It is sad that she's sick, but I don't need this stuff.
post #65 of 89
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Those people are definitely twisted and toxic. Stand your ground. Your children need protecting from these people.

Does your DH have good boundaries in general? It sounds like his parents have exactly none, so it might be a good idea for him to learn about healthy boundaries and how to maintain them with crazy people.
post #66 of 89
Thread Starter 
Dh is actually really good with boundries, probably because he knows what it is like to have yours disrespected your whole life.

We had a long talk. He applogized for not having stuck up for me better sooner. He really just wanted to believe that it could beit worked out.... I don't blame him, who doesn't want things to be better with their family? Who wants to think it's this bad?

The kids and I won't ever have a relationship with them. DH may or may not occasionally call his mother. Not his father. He's realized that this cycle won't end, that they won't change and that this relationship is unhealthy. He doesn't want or expect me to ever deal with them again. He says if they follow through with the CPS threats he will sue them for libel.

So I guess after all of it--- nope you don't have to be nice to someone when they have cancer. It could turn around to bite you big time.
post #67 of 89
Wow. You are so, so lucky that your DH is so level-headed! What a difficult situation for all of you. And yeah, these people are the epitome of bridge-burners. You owe them nothing.
post #68 of 89
It sounds to me like you are trying to be decent and polite, yet they continue to push the envelope. You owe them zero.
post #69 of 89
Saw your other thread on parenting and checked in here.

I am sorry that your son had that terrible experience and it still reverberates. But don't worry -- it will be an incident that made him hear, realize and triply know how much his mom DOES love him.

I think that you can both forgive them and realize they are incredibly toxic people that you and your children should have no interaction with whatsoever.

I recommend the forgiveness and understanding as way to free your heart. Think of them as incredibly, incredibly ill -- which they are.

But I think the extreme cruelty to your son, the lying to your husband, the threatening to call CPS -- I would never trust them again. I would never allow my children to see them.

I would go so far as to request that your husband doesn't talk to them on the family/home phone. I would ask him to ask them to call him on his cell/work phone and to never pick up the home phone when they call/delete all messages. And tell them that this is what will be happening. Because they are spiteful and will be harrassing you, guaranteed.

Regarding her cancer. Please. What the heck does that have to do with anything? It could be her last day on the planet and it doesn't change who she is.

I had an ex who I had had to get an order of protection against. Several years later he contacted my place of worship to ask them to tell me that he had just had major heart surgery and almost died and something he had made for me was still waiting in the hands of a mutual aquaintence. I just laughed and laughed and laughed. How manipulative. Like I would suddenly want to have contact just because he had a brush with death??? Like it changed the fact that he had stalked me, harrassed me, told others he wanted to KILL me, tried to steal my dogs, broke into my home and chased me ....

Finally, I agree -- give your husband the freedom to visit and communicate (not on the family home line) with his parents.

Good luck... hope CPS doesn't come visiting.
post #70 of 89
Definitely cut them out of your life, what disgusting toxic behavior. Can you be sure she wasn't lying about having breast cancer? Also if you do decide to make up with them, have boundaries, don't leave your kids alone with them etc...
post #71 of 89
I am also a breast cancer survivor. Just because I dealt with a crappy disease doesn't mean I have the right to treat people poorly and then have them just excuse it like it is no big deal.

I would think about forgiving your MIL and making peace with the situation. I mean genuinely forgiving her. If she is saying things that are completely untrue and come from no part of reality (and that she has been doing it for a while now), she sounds out of balance to me. In a strange way, I would feel sorry for her. You can forgive and make peace with a person, and in a limited way even offer some support, while still protecting your family. And really, given the distance, that shouldn't be too hard to do. If you guys are 2500 miles apart, it seems pretty easy to keep the kids away from her. So, you could send her a card or write a simple note stating that you are sorry your relationship hit a hard point, but that you would like to move forward in peace - no need to try to place blame or accept blame. It doesn't sound like she is ever going to see your side of the events (because it sounds to me like she isn't really dealing in reality), but I think there could be some value in clearing the air a bit. It seems obvious that you wouldn't leave your kids with her, but given their ages and the physical distance between you, it doesn't really do much to make a point of it all. Other than that, just continue to support your husband in his relationship with his mom. Treating people poorly, even when dealing with a major illness is NOT OK. Sadly, though, I have seen a number of families not handle major illness well and in the process treat others poorly. The stress and fear of it all unfortunately brings out the ugly side of people sometimes.
post #72 of 89
Thread Starter 
As of right now, we don't have plans to speak to anyone. It's been so many years of crappy treatment and we just are done... they've called and left messages as if nothing happened but we are ignoring it for now. DH may or may not explain exactly why or we may just let it go and ignore them. Not really sure. He may talk to his mom but I can not handle either of them so I am not going to.
post #73 of 89
I am so sorry this is happening to you, your Dh and your child It sounds like they have some serious mental problems I hope that they don't call CPS. It sounds like not speaking to them is probably for the best
post #74 of 89
Haven't read any of the responses, but:

I don't think you have to let her back into your heart (or giver her complete access to your children) just because she is ill. Heck, any of us might be dead tomorrow, that doesn't mean you need to allow toxic people into your life.

However, I do think you need to support your husband in connecting with her in any way possible if that's what he wants to do. I don't think you need to be participate directly, though. If she approaches you with apologies and attempts to make amends, that might be different, but otherwise...no, you have no obligation to allow someone who has been so hurtful in the past the opportunity to continue to hurt you now.

Edited to add: And now, having read the rest of the updates, I think you are doing absolutely the right thing by cutting them out of your lives entirely. It sounds like an awful situation all around.
post #75 of 89
Stephenie, has anyone already recommended Toxic Parents? Or maybe Toxic In-Laws?

I went through a somewhat similar situation, culminating in cutting my mother out of our lives.

It was hard, there were even times when I regretted it, but over all, 13 years later, it was the best thing I could have done.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.
post #76 of 89
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita View Post
Stephenie, has anyone already recommended Toxic Parents? Or maybe Toxic In-Laws?

I went through a somewhat similar situation, culminating in cutting my mother out of our lives.

It was hard, there were even times when I regretted it, but over all, 13 years later, it was the best thing I could have done.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this.

I actually have been meaning to check these out at the library. Thanks for the reminder.
post #77 of 89
I've read / scanned through many of the replies and the thing that strikes me most is that your son is 3 (correct?). I have a 3 yr old and while he will occas. tell a "white lie" (e.g. "my brother did it"...even though he did it himself), pretty much any 3 yr olds I've met (ever) would in no way be able to "create" a "lie" to the extent that your IL's (and, maybe at some point DH) say did. In other words, there is no way your son could lie about his gpa having told him "mommy doesn't love you". Not only that, but his reactions (crying, nearly feverish) are a TRUE reaction that he was scared/hurt/confused and again, that is not something kids "make up". If your DH is still not sure his father (or mother?) said that to your son, I'd reiterate all of the above! (though it does sound like your dh is now much more supportive of your views).

Personally, I would never allow my children to be around the IL's at all (even supervised) as they are just to toxic. (if circumstances / illness do change, well, then at that point you can reconsider for BRIEF and COMPLETELY supervised visits with ILs, but for now....NOTHING!!!).
FWIW, I agree with posters comments that you are handling this the best way you can! Your job/duty as a parent is to protect yourself and your children!
Hopefully, things will get better in your new environment and you can meet lots of new friends and just completely move on from this situation!
post #78 of 89
Thread Starter 
So DH has refused to talk to them since the CPS threat. They've both tried to contact us, his father sent a half-hearted apology where he said they'd never meddled in our affairs and he was sorry if we "took anything the wrong way" but he'd never meant to offend us. Right because "I should call CPS on your wife" is compliment in some circles.

But his mom just won't let it go. She sent him a facebook message about two weeks ago saying she'd give him some space... followed by three more emails and a phone message that week. Then a hytrarical phone message where she called me a liar ("Whatever Steph says is not true." ) Then, as my husband is trying to figure out how to process this, my cell rings... and it's my mother, saying MIL had called HER. (They've had almost no interaction... not friends by any means) And of course made everything out to be my fault... which my mom corrected and said she knew that it was DH's choice to keep his distance. After this, dh emailed her saying she needed to give him his space and he was not going to talk to her until he'd had the time to talk about it with a therapist.

So then, I get another call this morning, and she's emailed my mother TWICE this morning, once asking for our address and a second to "let her know that Nick is in therapy." I got off the phone and BIL, who was here at the time, told me that he just got a voicemail that said that DH was getting therapy to learn how to talk to people. Oh my goodness. This woman knows no boundaries.

So DH emailed her and told her that this was exactly why we were not talking to them and she needs to learn boundaries and asked if she thought we didn't talk to my mother, his brother or each other and that he wasn't going to see someone to learn how to talk, but to learn how to deal with all of their drama and weirdness. We'll see how that goes.

I am soo close to changing our numbers... but it wouldn't stop her from harassing my poor mom.

I am quite overwhelmed by this all. I keep hoping it will get better for us, but it doesn't.
post #79 of 89
Oh, no. She is just completely toxic.

I would not blame you for changing numbers!!! And your poor mom. If she has caller ID, I think she should probably not pick it up. Or if she does, say to MIL, "Please do not contact me any further about the issue between you and your son!"

What she is doing seriously IS harrassment.

I feel for you. I wish this did not remind me of my MIL..but it does. When DS and I were sick on Mother's day this yr, and we were supposed to visit her, and then had to cancel because we were just too sick, she called everyone in the family to tell them that I "keep her son from her". Well, not my family, because she doesn't know how to contact them. Thank God. And not ME of course. Just everyone else.

Anyway, keep up the boundaries with her on y'all's end. If you need to change numbers, do it.
post #80 of 89
This woman is totally nutters, and I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.
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