So I pretty much have to be nice now, right? UPDATE post 78 - Page 5

[Stephenie]

So far there's been no reply to the "This is why we are not talking to you" email. Nor has my mom been contacted again. I am sure she's going to be talking BIL's ear off about the whole thing because he leaves today to go visit them...but maybe we'll get a break from the situation for awhile now. Not holding my breath though.

[Ann-Marita]

Stephanie, you may want to look into advice given to the victims of stalking.

www.stalkingvictims.com

They have a lot of good information there, and a discussion forum.

I'd stop ALL contact with them. Don't answer their phone calls or emails, not even to say "we aren't talking with you". If she sends you things by mail, mark them "return to sender" and put them back in the mail unopened. Don't respond to their accusations and threats.

I know this is hard. That period when you are done, but they are still harassing you, that's the hardest. It will pass.

Still so sorry you are going through this. It took about 6 months for my mother to finally stop most of the harassment. And it took another couple of years for her to completely stop all attempts at contacting us.

[Stephenie]

So I spoke too soon. She replied saying "I do understand about boundaries. I've done a bible study on boundaries and learned about them at counseling." She then said she did NOT apologize for contacting my mother on multiple occasions. She seems to feel since they are both grandmothers it is appropriate to contact her as she pleases and share personal information.... Then she said that her and FIL have tried so hard to be nice to me () and that all of these problems stem from me and I have always tried to keep them away from the kids... and now I am trying to take their son away. After he has told her sooo many times that HE wants the space. After I dealt with countless family dinners, bbq's, holidays, etc etc where they belittled my parenting and personal choices.
She then gave him a guilt trip about how she's sick (by the way they are ending her chemo EARLY because she's doing so well...) and quoted some Bible scriptures (another guilt trip really.)
She is nuts. I mean I really think she has a mental disorder. How can she think she is ok with boundaries?
DH is off talking this over with our pastor... hopefully he'll come home in less of a frustrated state than I am in, I really want to call and yell at them (I wouldn't- just would feel nice to give her a piece of my mind....)

[Stephenie]

Ann-Marita, thank you for the link. I would never have thought it would get to the point where I am looking at advice for victims of stalking, but it does seem appropriate.

[Stephenie]

Ok my mom just filled me in on more of their conversation. Apparently, MIL says I am "unbalanced." I can not believe the gall of this woman- to call up MY mother and tell her I am crazy...
Dh had good talk with our pastor who agreed that there really is no way to work it out with them.

[peainthepod]

Three things:

1.) No contact means no contact. Do not answer the phone when they call. Throw their letters and packages directly into the garbage, unopened. "RETURN TO SENDER" is a form of contact. No contact. DH should not talk to her either. The time for talking is done. If he chooses to talk to her/them, he should do it from his own private cell number and email address. You should block her on Facebook (it's under your privacy settings) as well as your FIL and anyone else you think might be sympathetic to her lies and stories. Stop giving her and her allies access to your life.

If possible, block their phone number(s) from calling you (call your phone company or cell provider to find out how); if not possible, put their numbers into a catch-all "DO NOT ANSWER" contact, the same place you put known telemarketer numbers and other assorted annoyances. This makes it much easier not to answer the phone no matter how steaming mad you are at them. You might consider changing your number(s) and keeping the old one(s) and just letting the voice mails pile up. Your stalkers never know you changed numbers because the old ones are still active, and you don't have to be afraid to answer the phone. Read Gavin de Becker's The Gift of Fear for more helpful hints.

Do not discuss them with mutual acquaintances. Do not discuss them with anyone but the police, which leads me to...

2.) Restraining order--it's time to get one. Your MIL's behavior is escalating and at this point I would be fearful that she may try to actually harm you and/or your husband and children. Get it on record with the police that she is actively stalking you, harassing your mother, and otherwise destroying your peace of mind and sense of safety. Seriously, go to the police station in person and find out how to get a restraining order against this person. I know it's intimidating and seems drastic, but the police are used to dealing with this sort of thing. A restraining order is just a piece of paper, but if she violates it she will spend the night in jail. With sociopathic/delusional types like your MIL, sometimes this is what it takes to show them that their insanity and abuse WILL have negative consequences.

3.) It's time to let go. This woman and her husband are clearly mentally ill. They will not change. They will not suddenly see the light and stop being crazy. They will never come around. I know you understand this, and your pastor is helping your DH understand it, and his therapist will too--and that's good. But you really have to internalize what it means to stop caring about their opinions, their lies, and what they say and think about you. Fuming about them and worrying about the latest smear campaigns and lies they spew might be satisfying for a while, but it's actually very bad for your well-being and mental health. Don't let these people's toxicity seep into your life. Don't focus on what they say about you, and don't let well-meaning or meddling mutual acquaintances tell you what they're saying about you. It doesn't matter.

Let them go. Decide that they are dead to you--because they should be--and once you've taken the necessary steps to keep them away, cut the emotional cord that keeps you wondering what they're saying now. And then give your DH the biggest hug in the world, because these people were his parents--he grew up in this craziness, and of course he's in therapy because that's what you have to do when your parents are toxic like this. He's probably the strongest and bravest person you know, and pretty much no one in the world is going to give him a medal for walking away from these lunatics, even though it's clearly the right thing to do--because they're his parents and for some reason, parental abuse of adult children is considered more acceptable in our society than severing contact with those same abusers.

Huge hugs to you and your family. Things might get worse before they get better--but then life'll be so amazing and sane that you'll wonder why you didn't walk away years ago.

[Stephenie]

Thank you peainthepod. You are so right, I need to let go. I have been so shocked by their behavior that I have not really known how to deal with it- but letting go is the only way, I think. Nothing I do will change it. I am so frustrated with it all and it is not doing me any good.

I will talk to dh about a restraining order, I just don't know how he'd feel. I'd be ok with it. I do worry about them getting our address out of BIL. He knows we don't want them to have it, but she says she wants to mail things to the kids and that sounds so harmless that I worry he'll cave. If she has the address I worry that they may eventually, when she's well, just show up on our doorstep. Which would NOT be ok. A retraining order would help prevent that.

I am so sad when I think of DH's childhood. Just so glad he's able to break the cycle and our kids are growing up in a happy home.

[windsorheightsmom]

Lots of good advice from others already in this thread, especially peainthepod.

Stephenie, you are handling this situation extremely well, and I am so glad your husband is standing up to his parents, which must be so hard when you've been raised around that level of toxicity and manipulativeness. As time passes you will truly stop caring about their lies about you--the important thing now is to keep your family's distance, not keep track of the latest crazy thing the crazy in-laws are doing.

[E.V. Lowi]

Originally Posted by hillymum

Hi, my name is BITCH and I would say keep your distance! Sorry but she seems to have gone out of her way to really cause harm. Her being ill (even with breast cancer) does not equal a free forgiveness and open welcome in my opinion. If she called you and apologised then maybe you can start afresh, but only then.
I would, however, encourage dh to be a son and I would support him. I would not let ds stay or visit unsupervised.

Hello, we must have been separated at birth.