Random thoughts as I sort through some feelings I've been having ...
I was doing so well with how I felt about my c/b. And now all of a sudden, I'm angry and hurt and sad again. I don't know why. Although now that I think of it, maybe it has something to do with hearing other women's wonderful v/b stories recently and my being jealous.
I guess I've been thinking a lot about the conflicting attitudes I get about birth, especially c/b. On MDC and via other likeminded people/places, I feel like a total failure, that my birth was some how less of a birth, that I am somehow not a complete woman. What makes me feel worse is that, somewhere deep down inside, I really do feel that my c/b could've been avoided if x, y or z happened or didn't happen, etc. (e.g., if I had a doula, or if dh remembered anything that he read The Thinking Woman's Guide, etc.). Then I just get mad at the world. I've even had fleeting angry at dh, though he is in no way to blame for any of this.
On the other hand, since I live in a place where AP and natural living are in the minority (and I know exactly 3 people IRL who are even moderately AP), most of my friends, etc. seem to think a c/s is perfectly normal and epidurals are the way to go, etc. I've been beating myself up of late over my epidural as I think that was the beginning of the end for me -- the first turn on the road to my c/b. None of these friends (or my dh, for that matter) understand this. My dh (practical, rational guy that he is) keeps saying that, under the circumstances, what was I to do. -- i.e., I made the best decision I could make at the time.
I know all of these feelings are somewhat irrational. I guess what I don't understand is why we as a society have to make such a big deal over the method of birth. Why does it matter so bloody much about the way in which a woman births her babes? I know there are a lot of very unncecessary c/b (and I'm really beginning to feel that I was one of them which is probably why this is irking me so much), but in all honesty, in this day and age, does it really, really matter and is it really necesarry to put so much value on the experience? For those of us that had c/b's (especially those of us for whom a c/b was unplanned), I think it just prolongs the healing process by causing us a lot of unncessary guilt and pain. Isn't the whole point of birth to ensure that baby arrives healthy and strong, and if the best way for that based on reasonable intuition and medical evidence is via c/b, then who cares?
Maybe I'm just missing the point or something but this has really been driving me nuts these last couple of days. I guess I'm just really mad that I didn't get the birth experience I wanted, but I'm also mad that I place (and feel like the world places) so much weight on the birth experience. Didn't my birth lead to a beautiful, healthy, baby boy? Who cares how he got here? Why can't I accept that?
Forgive my ramblings ... I'm still working through this and I'm not even sure I know what I mean.